Author's Note: So I've returned now…and…am I happy to be here!…but unfortunately, I woke up this morning and thought I was going to die…I had the worlds worst migraine…(the first time I honestly experienced a TRUE migraine…) and let me tell you…it is a miracle that I somehow found the initiative to write this, through my migraine…so, not to sound ornery… but you all better appreciate this…lol…jk…but damn does it hurt like hell….whoa…room spins….well anyway, I would like to give out a thanks to my JosephineGracie for making last week bearable...trust me…without you…wow….I cant EVEN imagine…well, enjoy everyone…I hope for the next chapter to be up fairly soon…I have written part of it already and I absolutely adore it! J
No More Memories, No More Silent Tears
Only years have passed since I lost the love of my life and yet, it seems like an eternity. I struggle everyday to wake up and live my life as best I can. It is a nearly impossible thing to do, simply living is nearly hopeless, when all that was once alive in me has died. The only reason that exists for my existence anymore is the young child who is constantly at my side. My daughter…Erik's daughter…OUR Angelique. Everyday I look at her and am filled with such pride and joy, but then I solemnly remember that the man responsible for the miracle that is my daughter, is no longer on this earth.
It has been so challenging to appear as if I have 'recovered' from my loss, when honestly, I only appear to be strong. The truth of the matter is that I act as if all is well for the children's sake. I decided a long time ago that it would do them no good to see what is truly me; a sad and broken woman, pitifully lost without any hope of ever being whole again. I must admit though, that sometimes when I am playing with Angelique in the yard, the loneliness I feel inside of me rips and tears at my heart, pulling it in a thousand different directions until I fear I cannot go on.
Angelique is growing to be more and more like the father she never knew. She inherited his intelligence and already knows much more than any girl three times her age. She has a voice that could make even the angels weep and Erik is, I'm sure, a proud guardian angel of us both. The thought of my beloved husband finally being the actual angel that I saw him as, is a comforting idea, indeed…but I still cannot help but selfishly want him to be here with me; to hold me, to kiss me and to love me until the end of time.
I have also become a kind of 'surrogate' mother to Raoul and Christine's daughter, Helene and although I love her as well, I cannot help bust still hold a hidden grudge against her mother. EVERYTHING…all that Erik ever experienced and did….his crimes…the crimes that forced his death in the end, all were done for and because of Christine. Once Raoul found me crying in my bedroom after the children had retired for the night and he decided to try to comfort me. After he started talking though, all his emotions came spilling out until he said something that made me become enraged at him.
He had simply said that he wondered if Erik had still desired his wife even while with me. He said he questioned that because he doubted Erik's reliability. 'I don't mean that to be a dishonor toward you or your love for him…I only was thinking…' he had said.
My anger towards Christine, because of what she did to Erik and the jealousy she created between the two of them, grew so terrible that I outwardly raged at Raoul
"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT! RAOUL! I …I cannot believe you! I THOUGHT YOU AND ERIK HAD COME TO BE CIVIL AND ALMOST FRIENDLY WITH EACHOTHER…"
"Well, we did…but…I still….I mean…"
"NO! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING? All Erik's life, people constantly denied him the things he wanted most, simply because they thought him to be unworthy of any of his heart's desires…and THAT in turn caused him to be crude and violent at times…It was society that created the kind of man they feared most…one that was so entirely passionate that he would kill for his passions…but he was also the best sort of man a woman could want. He was sensitive, refined, elegant, intelligent and yet had the male protectiveness that I found so enticing…but because of that, he was destined to die for the same reason he was loved…"
He listened attentively but showed no sign of anger in turn towards me.
"And even now that he is…is…," I choked on the word 'dead' and continued, "YOU are still trying to make him out to be nothing but a selfish monster when in turn it was selfish people who caused him to act as he did sometimes…he was NEVER anything less than a gentleman and a compassionate lover to me and I WILL NOT SIT HERE AND LET YOU TELL ME HE WAS NOT THE MAN I KNEW HIM TO BE! YOUR CHRISTINE WAS WORSE OF A PERSON…CAUSING BOTH OF YOU TO FALL FOR HER AND NOT TURNING EITHER AWAY BEFORE THEY COMPLETELY FELL IN LOVE …SHE WAS A MONSTER FOR WHAT SHE DID TO ERIK AND IS ONE FOR THE TERRIBLE JEALOUSY SHE BROUGHT OUT IN YOU! AND I DESPISE HER AND ANY WOMAN WHO THINKS LIKE HER…AND THAT IS WHY I AM DETERMINED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE AS LITTLE LIKE CHRISTINE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE…"
After I had finally finished my shouting, I broke down; the sadness and loneliness I felt ultimately reducing me to tears. He had then unexpectedly wrapped his arms around me comfortingly and spoke softly in my ear.
"I know…I know…we have both lost the love of our lives…I know…you miss him don't you…"
I whimpered softly, "Oh Raoul…I do! I miss him so much, it nearly kills me…but Raoul…I am so sorry for saying those hateful things about your Christine…I only was thinking selfishly of my own pain…I am sorry…I didn't mean those terrible things…forgive me, Raoul….I cannot live if you hate me too…"
"I don't hate you…and shamefully I must admit that I have outgrown the original sorrow that Christine's death had imposed upon me…we have been separated from our spouses for the same length of time now and yet you still are in a constant state of defeat when I am not…it is astonishing and amazing to me that you still are grieving…You seem to be such a remarkably emotional woman and I have grown to love that about you…" He quickly looked to the ground as his face grew flushed.
I stared at him blankly for a few moments until he continued. "Gabrielle, I must be honest…I think I have fallen in love with you…I know," he held his hand up to silence my stunned mouth, "before you say anything, listen…I know that you still love and are loyal to Erik…but I also know that you spend your nights, alone and crying yourself to sleep…and then during the day, I continuously see behind your masked and smiling eyes that you are reliving memories that pain you beyond belief. All I suggest is that we unite our sorrows and at least comfort and provide each other with company…and I do not believe that Erik nor Christine would think any less of us if we were to give in to our loneliness and love each other…"
He looked up at me hopefully, but I shook my head negatively. "Raoul, you know that I could never love you in the way of which you speak…I gave all of my heart to Erik and Angelique…there is nothing left in my to give to you…I am so sorry…"
"But Gabrielle…Just give it a chance…give us a chance…" He sat beside me on the bed and pressed me gently down onto my back. I knew that I didn't love Raoul…not remotely, but we were both completely lost and lonesome without our spouses, so I did not blame Raoul for this, but I did begin to get back up into a sitting position once again. He surprised me when he forcefully pushed me back down and laid down beside me, propping himself up on his elbow so that he was leaning over me. I opened my mouth to protest to his odd behavior, but he couldn't control himself and so he took my mouth with his. I became stiff and rigid underneath him as he filled my mouth with his tongue. As he kissed me, I lazily noticed that nothing about Raoul's passionate kiss stimulated my lifeless heart into beating. He began to move his hands over my body and I quickly sat up causing him to stop and regain his senses and rational thoughts.
He quickly tore his gaze away from me and turned so that I could not see his eyes. "Gabrielle…I am so sorry…truly…it's just…I was…I mean…I…I love you…" I took his head between my hands and forcefully turned it to face my own.
"Raoul! You must NEVER say such a thing…you already know that I do not and cannot love you….It would be deceitful to you, and as I friend I do not want to see you deceived by a fake love…and it would also be a dishonor to my Erik and if I were to dishonor my true husband, I would only begin to think of myself as being nothing better than a traitorous wench…and I do not need that…I do not need to share the qualities of a 'desired woman' with your wife…I would become the kind of woman that I have no respect for…and without love and respect what good would I be? Honestly…Raoul…You have only 'fallen' for me because that is what almost every man I have met recently has done…they all say they love me or want me because I am 'beautiful'…but they don't know what beauty is! Beauty is in the heart and soul…Erik showed me that…but all the men who don't know what it was like to be shunned by the world and to be denied the rights of a man, don't know that beauty isn't only skin deep. I would gladly give up my beauty even now, if only Erik hadn't loved me as I was…If he had once said that he would prefer for me to be less beautiful, I would have gladly cut myself, or…anything to make him happy, as you know considering you stopped me from burning my face…but no…Erik loved me as I was and once said that he wouldn't change a thing about me…and so I am forced to continually push away men who think they love me…but they don't know me…no one knows me….because the true me died when Erik did…and I only live for our daughter because I love her more than life itself…and because Erik deserves to watch over the both of us…"
"Gabrielle….I…"
"NO, Raoul!…I want you to promise me that you will not love me any longer…"
"That's a hard promise to make…"
"I know…but you must…if you value my life, you must…"
"In that case…I promise, Gabrielle…I promise…"
