Author's Note: The song lyrics quoted in this chapter are from "Carnival", by Tori Amos. This is a great song – Tori Amos rocks. Also, it occurred to me that I should point out, if anyone out there doesn't already know, that Kevin and Freak are the same person. Sorry if this has caused any confusion.
A Better Fate Than Wisdom
Chapter 7: This Magical Day
So after that, it's like for Aerinah, I don't even exist. She goes back to sitting where she used to sit in paleo – or at least I assume it's where she used to sit, in the middle section of seats but six rows up. She keeps sitting across the room from me in English, and she starts talking in class again, but she never speaks to me or even looks at me. I still haven't seen her talking to other people, outside of class, but when she doesn't know I'm around she looks relaxed, and she smiles to herself sometimes about whatever she's thinking. But when she sees me in the hallway or outside she sets her jaw, stares straight ahead, and walks faster till she's past.
Now the only time I talk to anyone is in class, or during my weekly phone calls with Gram and Grim and the Worm. I'm back to not having any friends, back to having nothing to do except study and go to movies by myself and write letters to Worm. Which ought to be business as usual, cause that's the way my life has always been. Except the studying part, I guess. And for most of my life, before Rachel and before Kevin, I didn't have any friends at all. So you'd think I'd be used to it by now.
But for some reason, the more Aerinah ignores me, the more I want to talk to her. Only I don't know what to say; it's too late now. And I seem to run into her everywhere. I know she's trying to avoid me but we live in the same building, eat in the same dining hall, take some of the same classes, study some of the same stuff; we're bound to run into each other. I keep seeing her in the library, and the computer lab, and the quad, and everywhere.
This one time, I was in the library looking for a book for my English essay, and I saw her down a dim aisle, trying to reach a book off the top shelf. I started to walk over, figuring I could get the book for her and then maybe she could hit me with it if she wanted, but she saw me coming, climbed up the bookcase like it was a ladder, and got the book herself. Then she disappeared down the other end of the aisle. Without looking back.
Or, another time, I went for a walk to the lake, and I didn't come back till really late, after midnight. It was wonderful outside, though, windy and cool and sharp, and there were crisp leaves all over the ground, crunching under my feet. The stars looked almost as clear over the quad as they had over the lake, and I was just standing there looking at them, thinking about something Kevin told me once. About how looking at the stars is almost like going back in time, cause the light we see has actually been travelling for millions or billions of years.
That made me think of Aerinah, and how she got so excited talking about dinosaurs that day, in my room. She said scientists had made models that showed brachiosaurs couldn't raise their heads higher than parallel to their bodies, and that pterosaurs weren't good fliers, couldn't take off from the ground, but had to jump off cliffs to get going. But she said they'd also made models that proved bumblebees couldn't fly, and that anyone who had never seen a live mountain goat or a live horse would believe, just from looking at their bones, that a goat could climb a vertical cliff, or that a horse could swim. "So all that really proves is the limitations of models," Aerinah said.
I remember how excited she was, her eyes flashing bright green, and how my shirt, miles too big for her, slipped down her shoulder as she waved her arms around. "Dinosaurs – and extinct organisms in general – were a lot more successful than we think," she said. "If we could go back in time, we could see brachiosaurs rearing, and T. rex hunting, and pterosaurs flying, no problem. I'd give anything to just see that, you know?"
So I'm just looking at the stars, thinking about time travel and dinosaurs and the longing in her voice, when this movement catches my eye. There's a dark patch on the hill about twenty feet away from me, that I thought was a shadow or a pile of leaves or something, but when it moves again I realize it's actually a person, lying on the grass and looking up at the sky.
It's Aerinah, and the movement that caught my eye was her reaching up to push her hair out of her face, and clasp her hands behind her head. She's murmuring something, almost whispering, and I move closer, as quietly as I can, so I can hear what it is. After a few moments I recognize one of my favorite poems: "Epistle to be left in the Earth," by Archibald Macleish. Sounds like she has the whole thing memorized, which is so cool. I never met anybody else who did that before.
The desolate lines mesh perfectly with the bright stars and the chill November air. Aerinah closes her eyes, and her hair is like a dying sunset, muted gold and orange, around her pale face. I mouth the last few lines along with her.
It is very cold
there are strange stars near Arcturus
Voices are crying an unknown name in the sky
I notice there's a spiral-bound book on the ground beside her. I wonder if it's her journal. Maybe she was out here writing in her journal, and looking at the stars. I wonder what she was writing, and what she's thinking.
I've kept a journal off and on, since Freak died. It helped me a lot, to write down our adventures together; and later I wrote down everything that happened when Worm and I ran away, so we wouldn't forget anything. I haven't had much to write about lately though – unless you think homework is exciting, there isn't much happening in my life right now – so I've been writing more poems lately instead. They're not very good, but I guess maybe if I keep at I might get better, and like I said, it kind of helps sometimes to write down what I'm feeling. Maybe if I had someone to talk to I wouldn't need to, but there's nobody around here I can talk to now. I tell Worm most things, but not everything. And some stuff, even if I would tell her in person, I don't feel comfortable typing in an email in the computer lab. Even when I get a seat in the back of the room I still feel like people are looking over my shoulder, reading what I'm writing.
Suddenly I realize Aerinah's moving. She opens her eyes, picks up her journal, and stands up; and I panic and duck behind a tree, hoping she doesn't see me as she passes by. What the hell would I say if she did? 'I know you hate me, and you think I hate you, but I can't stop watching you'? And what's up with that, anyway? I don't understand why I can't just forget about her.
I wait a few minutes, to let Aerinah get a head start, and then I follow her back to the dorm, and go to bed.
----
That was a few weeks ago. Now it's a Sunday, and I'm at the mall. I'm going to go to a matinee in a bit, but the movie I want to see doesn't start for like forty-five minutes, so I'm killing time in fye, looking at CDs. It's not busy in here for some reason, maybe cause the first real snowfall of the year is coming down outside. I don't see anyone else in the rock section at all. The only Tool they have is Undertow and Aenima; I have those two already, and I don't really see anything else I'm in the mood for. But I have nothing else to do and they're playing cool music (right now it's "Flurry," by Social Code), so I step around into the next aisle and start working up the S section.
"Flurry" ends and this slow, sexy kind of song starts playing. It has this throbbing beat and sort of twinkly sparkly sounds in the background – like when you're watching a play that happens in the winter, and there's supposed to be snow falling, so they sprinkle whatever they use for fake snow and play this tinkly sound effect. It's like that.
I'm thinking it's a perfect song for today, whatever it is. And then a woman starts singing, so slowly I can barely make out the words, and her voice is so beautiful, it takes my breath away.
I sing to the sun in the sky
I sing to the sun rising high
Carnival time is here; magical time of year
And as the time draws near, dreams fill my heart
I turn to look at the CDs on the other side of the row and something bright orange catches my eye.
It's Aerinah.
She's a couple of rows away from me, looking at CDs, and singing along with the music. She's dancing too, sort of; swaying her hips and skimming her hands over the rows of disks. Then, as I watch, she closes her eyes and tilts her head back.
I'll sing while he plays his guitar
I'll sing as the night wakes the dawn
Will love come my way on this magical day?
And will hope stay in my heart?
I realize I'm just standing there staring, and probably I look like either a big retard or else some kind of pervert, but I can't stop. I've never seen anything like this. I remember when Joanie got Worm to dance with her in the Prairie Schooner that one day, it was cool cause Worm kind of got lost in it; she was having such a good time you could see she forgot everything except the music, for a little while. I can tell Aerinah's feeling the same way: she's miles away from here, and she isn't feeling anything except this song. But this is different for me.
This is nothing like watching my sister dance.
I sing while he plays his guitar
I sing in my dream from afar
Will love come my way on this magical day?
And will love stay in my heart?
Will true love come my way on this magical day
Or will love only live in my…
The music changes; it's pulsating and really sexy, and I can't understand any of the words now, but it doesn't matter because it's still the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. And seen.
I don't know why, really; I've seen lots of dancing, and heard lots of singing, and seen lots of beautiful women, on TV and in movies and stuff. And Aerinah is short and plump and just a girl dancing by herself in a record store. But she's real, and I don't know, there's just something about how she's so lost in the music. Or maybe it's how she doesn't seem to care if anyone's watching her.
Of course, she probably doesn't think anyone is watching her. If she knew I was standing here staring at her like some psycho stalker, maybe she wouldn't be so carefree. But I don't know, somehow I think she would. I can't explain it, I just feel it.
"Can I help you find something?" this girl says suddenly right behind me, and I just about jump out of my skin.
"Um, no thanks," I mutter, looking anywhere but at her. Or at Aerinah. I can feel my face burning. "Uh, I don't think I want anything today." Then I haul ass out of there – but I look back as I'm going through the doorway, to see if Aerinah saw me. I don't think she did. There's a different song playing now, and she's back to looking at the CDs, not dancing anymore.
I'm glad she didn't catch me staring at her, but I almost wish she had seen me. I wonder, if she had, or if I went up and said hi, and if I said I was sorry for yelling at her that day, if she'd want to hang out with me for a while.
Yeah, probably not.
And I wish I knew what that song was.
----
I kill another fifteen minutes in the bookstore – I pick up a collection of poems by e. e. cummings on sale, which is awesome; he's my all-time favorite poet – and then head over to the theater. I get my ticket from one of those automated machines, and get a large popcorn and drink combo from a real person. Then I try to go into the theater and sit down, but the girl taking tickets tells me they're still cleaning it. (She looks absolutely terrified of me, like she thinks if she doesn't let me in I might twist her head off like a bottle cap, or maybe eat her.)
So I turn around and head for the tables and chairs in the corner, and I see Aerinah sitting there. She's waiting to get in to the movie too, looks like – there's a medium pop, a box of Junior Mints, and a ticket on her table. She's also holding a book open in front of her – Contact, by Carl Sagan (I read it last year, it was really good) – but she's not reading it. She's looking at me, and when I meet her eyes my stomach does this weird little somersault. This is the first time she's looked at me in like three weeks.
Maybe that's why I go over to her table. "Hi," I say nervously. "Uh, can I, um, join you?"
There's a long pause while several emotions chase across her face, so fast I can't catch them all. I can see for sure that she trusts me about as far as she could throw me. Which I admit I deserve.
"Okay," she says finally, closing her book and moving her stuff over so I can set my food down.
Now that I'm here I have no idea what to say to her. "That's a great book," I say, pointing at the paperback. "The ending kicks ass; way better than the movie."
"Yeah, I know," she says slowly, studying my face like she's trying to figure out what I'm really thinking. I don't even know what I'm thinking. "I've read it like five times already; it's one of my favorites."
"Yeah, it was great," I say. You said that already, moron. I'm just rambling now. "Um, you want some popcorn?"
"No," she says, frowning; then, "Max, what do you want? Why are you talking to me? You don't like me. Remember?"
"Oh," I say. God, I'm going to have to do better than that. She looks just about ready to jump up and walk away. Like last time.
"I... that's not what I meant," I say. "I don't not like you. I mean, I do l—" Shit, I can't say that. And I have to stop babbling like an idiot.
I take a deep breath. "Aerinah." I say. Good start; now what? "Look, I… I was pretty upset that day, about my poem. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know it wasn't your fault. Can we just…" I trail off. Just what?
Aerinah still looks cautious, but she doesn't look pissed off anymore, which is a good sign. "Start over?" she says.
"Yeah," I say gratefully. "Start over."
She gives me this long look, really intense, like she's reading my secrets right from my face, and I can feel myself turning red, but I force myself to look back. Grim says if a man's honest he'll look you in the eye; if he doesn't, then you know to steer clear of him.
"Alright," she says quietly.
"Great," I say, and I can't help it, I have this big stupid grin on my face.
Aerinah smiles back at me, guarded but genuine, and suddenly today feels like a really good day.
Behind me the ticket girl calls out "Theater 2 is ready for seating!" and Aerinah stands up, starts gathering up her stuff. So I'm wondering, now that we're friends or whatever, now that we're starting over, does that mean we're going to sit together, or not?
Aerinah starts for the theater, then looks back at me, still sitting at the table like a moron. "Max? You coming?"
"Yeah," I say, jumping up (and grabbing my popcorn so enthusiastically a third of it spills up out of the bag). I follow her into the theater, and all I can think is, at least she's in front of me so she can't see the stupid grin that's plastered on my face again.
