Day 2:

My morning

I wake up to find myself safely in bed. The last thing I can remember is lying on the floor in the Krusty Krabb stock room with my foot lodged in a box of patties. How did I get out? I'm not sure. But this sort of thing happens often in this stupid life of mine.

I can see that Spongebob is not at my window; this is a comfort to me. Although, it makes me a little uneasy once I begin to wonder where precisely he is! Perhaps you may not understand, but the situation I'm finding myself in is rather disturbing.

I'm about to get out of bed, when a thought occurs to me: He's most likely under my bed! Waiting...just waiting for me to dangle my feet over the edge so he can...do...something. I make myself as still and quiet as possible. Perhaps I can hear him breathing. I do! No, wait...that's my breath. Okay...well, I'll stop breathing. This isn't pleasant, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Slowly, quietly...I lean over the edge of my bed. He's not there. Phew! That's a relief. Ah, but it's only a relief for a second or two, because then it occurs to me that if he isn't under my bed, he could be anywhere! Can you imagine my terror?

I make my way downstairs to call Mr. Krabbs.

Hello, Mr. Krabbs, I'm not coming in today?What's the meaning of this, Mr. Squidward!I'm...not well.But this restaurant is my bread and butter. And no bread and butter will be made if there isn't anybody to collect the money.

I wonder to myself: Who works during my days off?

Squidward, you must know that my life depends on this restaurant running smoothly!Well, mine doesn't. Hire somebody else. I hang up. I think to myself: perhaps that was a stupid move, but then it occurs to me that I can get a job as a clarinet player.

My afternoon

I've quit my job, and so I won't have to deal with Spongebob during my working hours. How to be rid of him during the rest of my day, well...I'll cross that bridge later.

I'm looking through the classifieds in the Bikini Bottom Herald. Counter help needed at the Weenie Hut. A janitor needed at Mrs. Puff's Boating School. Nurses needed at Shady Shoals Retirement Home. Jobs for losers! What I'm looking for is a little more sophisticated. Aha!Clarinet player needed! I call the number listed.

a disinterested voice answers.

Hi! My name is Squidward Tentacles and I'm--I don't care! And he hangs up on me. I call again.

Hi there, perhaps we were cut off earlier-- A click. End of conversation.

I call back again.

A clarinet player?Yes. I am.Can you come in for an interview today?What time?Come by the Bikini Bottom Community Centre at four.Okay, that sounds-- Click.

Later...during my afternoon

I'm sitting in front of a skinny fish with only one eye. He keeps blinking at me, and neither one of us has spoken. I've been here for five minutes already. I clear my throat, hoping that might cause some action.

Do you have any experience?Um...clarinet playing experience?Sure! I've been playing since I was a baby! I love my clarinet.Do you have any references?Um, references?Well, not really.Has anybody heard you play?

Spongebob has heard me play. We can't hire you unless we speak to somebody who has heard you play.Can't you listen to me play?We need a second opinion.Well, there is one reference I might be able to supply.Can you bring them in?You mean now? In person?Do you have a telephone?

My evening

Five hours have gone by, and skinny one-eyed fish and I are still waiting for Spongebob to arrive! We've just been staring at each other. The room becomes narrower and narrower. I can feel sweat pouring out of me and landing on the floor; each drop sounds like a gallon. I wonder how it is that I can notice my sweat, when I'm living under water. When you actually start to think about your life and the world around you, you begin to realize that nothing actually makes any sense. The only thing I can be sure of is...music. My new career as a clarinet player will give me some stability. I will create sense where there is none.

The door bursts open. I'm READY! And there he is, but something has gone horribly wrong. Something naked and purple is smiling there in the doorway. I feel weary.

Yes, Squidward?Why don't you have any clothes on, and why are you PURPLE?I thought I should make a striking first impression.