Day 3:

Another Morning, Another Migraine

I'm awake. I hate being awake. But since I am, I'm going to make the best of it. Spongebob ruined my shot at a great career as a clarinet player. I can't do anything about that, but I can be the master of my own attitude.

I make my way downstairs to the kitchen. What will I have for breakfast thing morning. I need something hearty and nutritious since I'm about to embark on a whole new life! I've got...nothing in my fridge. Oh well, I'll just go down to the store to fetch some sustenance.

Right after I take my bath. La-da-da, la dee-dee... Today will be a good day.

Early afternoon

I love the supermarket. All the food you could ever want right here in front of me. Here we go -- canned bread. I'll have ten cans of that.

La-da-da, la dee-dee.

You know Squidward, if you had only quit your job at the Krusty Krab earlier, you could have been a happier squid by now. Freedom, sweet freedom.

Oh, look. It's my favourite cashier. What's his name, with the brownish fins.

Hey there, and how are you today? I ask.

Ten cans of bread? You're a wild party there, fella.I am feeling unusually festive today, yes.Uh-huh...that'll be twenty bucks.Twenty dollars! Are you telling me that these cans cost two dollars each?Uh, yeah...I guess that's what I'm sayin.Don't you think that's a little expensive?Canned bread is shipped from up above somewhere. You have fancy tastes, you gotta pay fancy prices. Can I have your money now, sir?You're lucky I'm feeling generous today.

I open my wallet, feeling like a big spender...oh yes, indeed. Oh, fish paste! I haven't got any money on me.

It seems that I'm a bit short at the moment.Will it be only five cans of bread for you today, sir?I'll be right back.

I make my way over to the bank. I wish I had been clever enough to check my wallet before shopping, but my good mood is taken away my common sense.

I approach the teller, a pretty fish with both of her eyes.

Hello, sir.I would like to withdraw some money please.Are you Mr. Squidward Tentacles?Yes, I can see I've made quite an impression around here.Um, yes...there's a photo of you on the wall over there. None of us are allowed to give you any money. You're account has been closed due to your lack of employment.Hahaha, now really...I enjoy a good gag as much as the next sea dweller, but I'm kind of in a hurry to get some canned bread...so if you don't mind--Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave, there's a client behind you.Ahem...young lady, there is a client in front of you now!Sir, you don't have an account with us.How does that make any sense? I just quit my job yesterday, how can my account possibly be closed already!It's a new system that's just been set up, sir. Your payroll information is linked to your account registration, and the termination of your employment immediately effects the status of your account.But I had money in that account!Fifty dollars and twenty-eight cents.Well, I'm sure I had more, but fine! I would like that money!It has been transferred into the account of your coworker. A Mr. Spongebob Squarepants.Transferred, sir.Why, dare I ask, did that happen!I can't disclose bank policies, Mr. Tentacles.This is ridiculous!Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.I'm not leaving UNTIL I GET MY FIFTY DOLLARS AND TWENTY-EIGHT CENTS!

Two beefy fish just grabbed my arms and are dragging me to the door. One of these guards, looks down at me and says, Hey, you're the guy who always takes my lunch order. I've always wanted get the chance to do this.Do what?

And they toss me into the middle of the road.

That's for all the times you glared at me from behind the counter, you stupid, bald loser!

I have never been so insulted in my life. Look at all these fish just staring at me! How dare they!

Go ahead and look! Someday I'll own this town, and then you'll all wish you were grey and bald!Why are yelling in the middle of the road, Squidward?

Spongebob is running up to me with his spatula and Krusty Krabb hat.

I came just as soon as I heard there was a bald, grey lunatic in the middle of the road.Spongebob, go back to WORK!Oh, don't worry...it's my break.

My evening of rotten lemons

I'm in Spongebob's house. I hate it here. Who in their right mind would live in a pineapple?

Okay, Squidward. Here is the plan. I'll give you an allowance of one dollar a day. That should last you about three months..

I can't believe I'm listening to this.

I'd like my money, Spongebob. Can you just give me my fifty bucks?That's not good financial planning, Squidward. The heavy responsibility of managing your finances has fallen to me. I take that responsibility seriously.Spongebob, I don't need a financial manager.You're a squid in denial. It breaks my heart to see you like this.Oh, how touching! Just tell me when we get to hug!Right now!

And he leaps on me. The big yellow moron just threw himself at me. Those arms of his that change their length to accommodate his every whim, are wrapping around me over and over again. Am I the only one in this stupid town who's freaked out by Spongebob's body? Doesn't anyone else stay up at night trying to make sense of such a freak show? Let's pretend for a moment that I can ignore the fact that his face takes up 80 percent of his total surface area...can I come to terms with the fact that he can shatter into pieces one moment, and then liquify the next?

Okay, Spongebob, that's quite enough.

Suddenly, I hear a loud rumble from outside. It's followed by an even louder CRASH! I pry Spongebob's arms off of my body, and run to the door.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! What are you doing?

A bulldozer is shoving my Easter Island Head right off my property and down the road!

Wait a minute! That's my house!

I run as fast as I can, but it's no use. My house is gone! I want to crawl under a rock and spend the next 40 years pretending that I'm somebody else!

Y'know, Squidward, you can stay at my house. It'll be like a sleepover. Except we can do it over and over again every night! And you won't have to go home ever, because you don't have a home!

Suddenly Patrick's rock pops up and out he comes.

Hey! What's the ruckus?Oh, hey Patrick. They just took Squidward's house away.

Patrick comes right up to me and lays a comforting hand on my shoulder.

Y'know what they say.No, Patrick, I don't know what they say.When life hands you lemons, remember to put them in the fridge.But Squidward doesn't have a fridge anymore, Patrick.Oh...I guess your lemons will go rotten.

Yes, Patrick, my lemons are indeed going rotten.