Day 4:

HOOOOOOOOOOONK!

I scramble like mad to a corner of Spongebob's bedroom. We're obviously under attack. My heart has lodged itself in my throat as it attempts to flee a body about to be blasted out of existence.

HOOOOOOOOONK!

Oh my God! Why can't they just blow my head off and get it over with? Why must they sound that horrible alarm over and over again! Just get it over with!

Spongebob! He's obviously still alive. I wonder if it's safe to lift the tentacles from my eyes and see what's left of our surroundings. Uh, maybe just a second or two of ignorance...

Hey, Squidward, what are you doing in the corner? And why are you shaking? And why are you covering your head? And why --

Ding!

Ah, an idea has just occurred to Mr. Yellow Dumb-ass Pants. You can tell because of the stupid bell that sounds to a mark the occasion.

You're having a seizure!

I take the risk, and open my eyes. There is Spongebob standing at full attention at the end of his bed. And then I see it, his fog horn alarm. Oh, for pete's sake, it was only--

Spongebob leaps at me. I learned about this in Mrs. Puff's required Fish Aid Seminar! Let me just put you into the recovery position.Spongebob, I'm not having a--

He grabs my head and throws it to the ground. Then he grabs a tentacle and jams in between my head and the floor. Okay, now...let's see...then I ...I sort of...
And he begins poking and prodding up and down my body.

I don't think there's any bleeding.Of course there isn't any BLEE--

Spongebob jams a spoon in my mouth.

Don't try to talk, Squidward! You'll swallow your tongue!

He grabs a free tentacle and brings it to his ear. Or, at least, where an ear is supposed to be.

You're still alive, Squidward, I can hear a pulse! Isn't that great! Aren't you glad I took that seminar?

I spit the spoon out, and it lands on that stupid snail of his. Spongebob, get away from me!I need to keep you warm now. Here, let me get you a blanket.

He throws a blanket on my head. I think I'll just sit here for a while. It's much safer that way.

Lunchtime in Loonytown

That sure was a close call this morning, Squidward.You haven't touched your onion, ketchup and marshmallow sundae. I thought you might like some nourishment after your brush with Death!

I regard the seeping, fermented glop in the bowl he's placed in front of me. I've been in outhouses where the contents were more appetizing.

I didn't have a brush with death. I'm just a normal, peace-loving guy, who would like to wake up to a traditional beep-beep.I get it, Squidward, I read once that after you realize your mortality, you begin to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Personally, I look forward to rubbing Gary's eyestalks.

He plops his stupid snail on the table beside my sundae. Here, give it a try!

The slug in front of me just stares. Man, that thing is creepy.

Spongebob...I am not going to rub his eyestalks.Suit yourself! And he does it himself. Right here in front of me. The snail's eyes begin to wobble and sway. Oh my god, he's purring.

Okay, Spongebog, not that this isn't fun...

I make my way to the door, but Spongebob beats me to it. His body expands to form a barricade preventing my escape. You can't leave, Squidward. You've got to stay here where it's safe. I can take care of you! You don't have a house, or money, and you almost died this morning!Spongebob, I do have a house. I just have to get it back from those morons! And I have money. You just need to give it to me!

He opens his mouth wide...wider...cavernous! And out pops his tongue in the shape of a cash register drawer. There is even a stupid ding to accompany it.
And there, in the centre of his tongue/cash register, is a coin, It pops out and lands on the floor at my feet.

What's that for?That's your allowance.Ohhhhwwwwww! I don't want an allowance! I want all of my money!That would be foolish, Squidward. You'll just dig yourself into a deeper hole.The only hole I'm in is this stupid pineapple you call a dwelling! And it's your fault that I'm here! I would rather starve, sell my emaciated body to pirates to use as a flag on their ship, and spend my final days on this stupid planet as a toilet for scallops than continue living with you here in this furnished fruit, accepting a piddly allowance. I never had an allowance. Even when I was a kid. I always worked for a living. I'm independent.Y'know Squidward, sometimes it's better to admit that you need help. Everybody needs help every once in a while. I need help all the time!Spongebob, can you just remove yourself from the doorway, and let me get on my way?

He shrinks down to normal size again, but the eagerness has drained from his face.

Okay, Squidward...obviously I haven't provided the right sort of life for you. I guess good intentions just don't cut it in the real world. In the real world, your children grow up so fast, and they get jobs and find places to live and suddenly you find yourself alone with the memory of your good intentions. That's it! Just memories! Memories and the little nicks in the wall where you measured their fragile bodies year after year. I tried, Squidward! I tried to make this work! But I'm just a small sponge in a big sea!

And the pathetic creature shrinks to the size of a peanut right here in front of me.

Why don't you just step on me, and get it over with?

Plankton walks up to join Spongebob on the floor at my feet. That's what I've been saying for years! Even if you weren't as dumb as you are, even if you had the kind of brilliant mind that I have, you wouldn't be any better off.Hey, Plankton. Now I understand now how it feels to want something as bad as you do. Your desire for that Krabby Patty Secret Formula...why, that's just like my desire to be a good role model for Squidward. You wanting to make the Chum Bucket a success, why...that's no different than me wanting to get Squidward back on his feet.

What is Plankton doing in Spongebob's pineapple? Doesn't anybody knock around here? I am going to put a stop to this once and for all.

Plankton, what the hell are you doing here, I ask.

I was hoping you'd tell me the Krabby Patty secret formula.Have we ever given you the Krabby Patty formula? Haven't you learned anything from your many foiled attempts? Why don't you get on with your life! Try something else. Maybe, like me, you have a certain gift for music.Well, with a little more exercise, I could play the harmonica! Oh, I see what you're doing...you're trying to distract me from my purpose.I'm trying to point out that it might be in your best interests to find another purpose.

Spongebob interjects: But Squidward, what would our lives be like without Plankton trying to steal the Krabby Patty formula?Different! Our lives would be different, you moron! And different would be a good thing. Aren't you tired of the same stupid routine? Aren't you tired of standing at the grill making those disgusting patties? Aren't you tired of poking your head out of the order window and seeing me every single day? What about your pants and shirt and tie? Don't you have anything else to wear? Don't you want to spend time with somebody that isn't a squid, crab, squirrel or starfish?

Spongebob looks baffled, but then catches sight of Gary and his face brightens. I do know somebody who isn't a squid, crab, squirrel, or starfish...Gary!

I have nothing more to say. I scowl at him, but it seems to do no good. What is good, is the fact that Spongebob was distracted enough to disregard his guarding duties, and I walk out into the open air.

I inhale deeply.

I take a step forward, when a jellyfish comes swooping down and zaps me in the head.

Fish paste.

An evening headache

I have no choice but to lay here on Spongebob's sofa, nursing my headache. I hate jellyfish. Now I'm crippled and can't go anywhere until the pain is gone.

Spongebob is giving Gary a bath. Let me rephrase that, he's trying to give Gary a bath. Is it always such an ordeal? Why must everything be done the hard way?

Maybe tommorrow will be better? I'll get my house back. I'll find a nice job. It'll be great! This is just the break I needed to get myself back on track. It's always darkest before the dawn, right? I will let this brush with poverty inspire me! I'm gonna go find a fridge to keep my lemons cold, damn it!