Chapter Eighteen

"Good afternoon, Cousin."

Elizabeth jumped. "Oh! Good afternoon, Cousin Darcy." A small involuntary smile rose to her face on first seeing him. It faded, but he was pleased to see it. She turned back to the rose bush she was searching for the choicest specimens. "Have you been riding with Thomas?"

"Yes, we went all the way to Godfrey Hill; I am very stiff," he laughed. "Do you like to ride?"

"Yes, I do, but Jane is a far better horsewoman than I; unfortunately I never mastered the art."

"We should all go for a picnic sometime, by horseback."

"That's a good idea." Elizabeth thought, with something approaching a smile, that she was really beginning to outdo herself in inanities.

"What are you picking these for? Can I help you?" he asked, approaching the rose bush.

"Mama would like some roses for the red parlour, as Mr and Mrs Deniston will be coming around for tea this afternoon. Thank you. I only want the paler ones."

"Elizabeth."

"The darker ones seem to clash with the wallpaper in that particular parlour-"

"Elizabeth."

She rushed on, knowing what was coming by the tone of his voice – she knew all his tones, all his expressions, everything about him and it pained her. She had to stop it. "I do hope you don't get scratched! They are particularly vicious roses-"

"Elizabeth." He seized her hands gently.

There was no avoiding it. She looked down. She longed for it to be over already, while at the same time she wanted to run away before it could happen.

"I love you."

She gulped down a tear; this was so hard! This was so much harder than she had thought it would be.

"I – I know that I have no right to approach you again on this matter, after your feelings were made clear to me last April, but I cannot hold myself back, dearest Elizabeth-"

"Oh, please don't!" Elizabeth cried suddenly. ""Please, please, don't!"

He stiffened. "You will not consider marrying me?"

She felt a tear on her cheek. "I cannot, Cousin, I cannot; you cannot ask me-"

"Why not?" he said bleakly, before recollecting himself. "Forgive me. I had thought you… you returned my feelings."

"Please, Cousin, do not ask me this!"

He turned away from her, bringing his hand to his eyes for a long moment. After some time he looked up, appearing calm except for a look of despair in his eyes that Elizabeth was quick to notice. "I apologise for embarrassing you, Cousin. It is my ardent wish for you to be happy; I am sorry to make you uncomfortable. You will not be bothered by me again."

Elizabeth fervently wished she could disappear. The grim set of his face made her long to run into his arms and assure him that she was his, but it was too late. The time had come; all her hopes were gone.

He turned to walk away.

"I love you," she whispered as he disappeared into the shrubbery.

Mr Darcy left Matlock soon after this encounter. Elizabeth was not sorry for it. The sight of him could only bring her pain, and she hoped that with his absence she would find a measure of recovery; it was too awkward having him around. They tried to disguise their embarrassment, and managed well enough for most eyes, but Elizabeth was tired of acting and he was depressed and it was best for both of them, for everyone, in fact, that he went.

He told the Earl and Countess that he had business that he had put off for too long, at Pemberley, and that he hoped he could be back among them soon, but he feared it would occupy a significant period of time. He would, at any rate, be there for Jane and Bingley's wedding, as Bingley's best man, and he whispered into the Earl's ear that if anything happened on the Georgiana-Thomas front, he would not be vehemently opposed to it, although he would like to see Thomas about it. The Earl smiled involuntarily. "It cannot be far off."

The whole family waved him off, and both Darcy and Elizabeth mustered calm and friendly enough demeanours to leave no suspicions of the true reason for his departure.

Elizabeth thought, when he left, that she could really relax for the first time, and in accordance with this, she went to the library and read, curled up in a big armchair. She soon found that this was not the case. Of course, it was easier than it had been, having to face him every day as if nothing were wrong. Yet she worried about him constantly. Would he seek solace in other women? Was he safe, all alone at Pemberley? And most of all, she worried about her future. Although her parents never gave the least impression of an intention of making her marry, she had no doubt that that was what was expected. She would have to make a great marriage, no doubt; she was the daughter of an earl. The old Elizabeth Bennet had no desire to be a dead weight on her family, even if the Elizabeth Fitzwilliam that existed now would never want for anything under her family's ample fortune. But Elizabeth had been raised in such a way that such ideas were unbearable. She did not think she wanted to be the maiden aunt, living in Thomas', or Jane's, households, as much as she loved them, and she knew it was impossible for a woman of her place in society to set up her own home, with a chaperone. Yet there was nothing she despised the thought of more than marrying. There was no one she could marry. It would not be fair to marry some poor man while in love with another; she could not do it, it was foreign to her nature. She had never even considered the possibility of marrying a man for anything other than love, and she was even more vehement than ever in this determination now. It was impossible. But what could she do?

Above all, she knew that however she managed to numb herself in terms of Darcy, she knew most vehemently that she would never, ever be able to love another.

Within a week of Darcy's departure, Thomas approached Georgiana and was accepted wholeheartedly. The whole family was overjoyed, and Elizabeth, who had come to love Georgiana sincerely, almost forgot everything else in her delight at the match. To see Georgiana so happy, so confident with herself must make anyone else happy. To see Thomas so protective and caring must make anyone satisfied. The Earl and Countess were very happy with the match, of course. Thomas left home almost immediately after obtaining his parents' consent in order to gain Darcy's; he came back the next day wreathed in smiles.

When he next had time to spare from hovering around Georgiana and responding to her rapturous smiles, he sat down beside Elizabeth on the sopha and heaved a great sigh of contentment. "Well, Elizabeth! You must be thinking us lovebirds great fools by now."

"No, of course not," said Elizabeth with a sly smile.

"I am not so delirious that I cannot recognise that smile, Lizzy."

"What smile, Thomas?"

He laughed. "You minx! Well, I suppose it will be your turn next, anyhow, or Richard's."

Elizabeth laughed, concealing her consternation. "Most likely Richard's, I would expect – that is, unless Rosalind bewitches some poor man."

"Poor man indeed! I would feel most heartily sorry for any man that fell in love with Rosalind – but most happy for her, I think."

Elizabeth laughed. "I do not think she has any inclination to fall in love quite yet, at least."

"Inclination?" Thomas said, raising his eyebrows. "It is nothing to do with that."

Elizabeth gave him a small, thoughtful smile. "No, I suppose not."

"I think some people are just supposed to be together. Only a few months ago I hardly thought about Georgiana. Now… I can't imagine life without her. It would be most unnatural. And I wonder if there are things that keep some lovers apart that should not be considerations. So many people don't marry the one they love because of money, for instance – you have seen this, Bingley and Jane were almost kept apart by this, were they not? I used to think that was very practical; now I think it is foolish. I had a dream a few nights before I asked Georgiana to marry me, and in it I was a simple farmer and Georgiana was a princess. Nobody would let us marry. It was very vivid. And I came out of it with a very strong conviction that if two people are in love, there are some details that are irrelevant." He laughed. "Happily, Georgiana and I are equals in every sense!"

Elizabeth did not answer. She was gazing at her brother thoughtfully.