Ok Lola totally shoved me out of the kitchen with one huge shove. I slammed right into the wall opposite the kitchen. That elf seriously is off her knutter! She kept telling me I was trying to steal Snape! Can you believe that? She can have Snape. I will even gift wrap him if I have too…haha.
Snape stumbled into the kitchen looking like he was in serious pain. That's too bad. I feel guilty, I was going to prance around the house banging on a pot. But if he feels this ill I guess I cant…I mean I can but it wouldn't be nice. Of course kidnapping me and telling everyone I'm your sex slave also isn't that nice.
"Sage!" Snape moaned rubbing his temples. "Sage!" Snape didn't even notice me. That is A-Ok. "Where is that bumbling house elf? Get in her you incompetent sack of worthless shit! I am walking over to the sock drawer! Sage!"
"You told him you wanted him to stay in his hole until hell freezes over Master," Lola said ambling into the dining room cautiously.
"Did I? Well I think I'll scratch that from my list seeing as I drank my weight in alcohol last night. Now where is what's her face. Big hair, really annoying?" Snape asked sitting down and placing his head on the table.
"Do you mean me?" I asked with a tinge of scorn. Snape snapped his head up so quickly he let out a yelp of pain. He began to rub his temples angrily.
"Can you not see I'm in pain? And you insist in trying to scare me? I'm sure Hogwarts finest would love to see you now," Snape said with more scorn than I could ever muster.
"I'm sure they would. Seeing as I'm missing," I said smoothly. He glared at me but this time the pain in his head must of outweighed whatever he wanted to say. He just gave a defeated groan and lay his head back on the table. I had no sympathy for him and rolled my eyes.
"You are a Death Eater and THIS is your weakness?" I asked trying to touch a nerve. "Well I should let Harry know that the way to defeat you is to take you for a few drinks the night before. You must keep Voldemort very proud!"
"Will you shut the bloody fuck up?" Snape roared. He winced and held his head. I rolled my eyes again.
"Do you want my help or not?" I asked stiffly. Snape looked up at me like he highly doubted I could be any help to him.
"How are you going to help me? Read about a hangover remedy in a book?" Snape asked spitefully.
"Actually yes," I said not fazed. "It's titled, 'Stupid Things Stupider People Do.'"
"Oh very funny," Snape said grabbing the wet cloth from Lola.
"Actually I read it in Ladies Home Journal," I said taking a bit of crumpet. "These are good. Have you tried one?" I asked waiting for him to ask me for help. We both knew it was coming because he looked like he was having an eternal battle.
"How long will it take?" Snape said grudgingly.
"With the proper ingredients I say you should be able to think straight in eight minutes. Twelve if you drag your feet," I said sitting back and waiting for him to move.
"Sage!" Snape screamed. "Sage! I promise you can come out of hiding! I swear it on my mother's name!" Sage still did not appear and Snape rolled his eyes and muttered, "I knew that wouldn't work," Snape cleared his throat and tried again. "I swear it on my Italian Leather Boots."
The elf appeared looking frightened. I frowned, slightly amused.
"Italian Leather Boots? Are you sure you're not gay?" I asked with a sarcastic smirk.
"Shut up and make the fucking remedy," Snape said laying his head back on the table.
"I think you forgot something," I said like a mother talking to a misbehaving child.
"Now," Snape yelled. I sat back and folded my arms.
"Dear, dear, what on earth was that last ingredient? I don't want to make the wrong one and have your penis fall off-" I began.
"Please," Snape moaned angrily.
"Aw that's right," I said pleased. "See that wasn't hard. Nothing happened. You didn't die from compassion overload."
"Wanna bet?" Snape grumbled. I heaved myself up.
"Do you have pots? Or does Lola do all the cooking?" I asked. He looked up at me with a What-The-Fuck-Do-You-Think? Look. I sighed and went into the kitchen. I came back out a second later. "Do you have a blender?"
"A what?" Snape said miserably.
"A blender?" I said again. "You know what? It's fine. The chunkier the better," I said stepping back into the kitchen. I giggled at his disgusted expression.
Lola was surveying me with much dislike.
"Miss is to use the kitchen to her liking," Lola said looking at her feet.
"Would you like to help me?" I asked trying to be kind.
"No," Lola answered and slammed a pot down in front of me.
"Thank you," I said grabbing ingredients off the shelf. Lola stared at me again before leaving. "Snape do you have any allergies?"
"Seafood," Snape answered groggily.
"Crap," I muttered. I walked back into the kitchen and then stuck my head out again. "What would happen if you were to say drink some seafood?"
Snape looked up and took the heat packs off his eyes. His look was one of pure outrage.
"You can not DRINK seafood!" Snape said disgusted.
"Uh I'm not going to list what I put in here otherwise you wont drink it. So just take this and pretend it's apple juice," I said handing him a glass filled with gray congealed goo. Snape looked at my doubtfully.
"Is it poisoned?" Snape asked sarcastically.
I hesitated. I could have poisoned him. "I'm making a note not to let you near my food again," Snape said with a frown he held his nose and took a big gulp.
"Don't spit it out!" I warned. He gave me another dirty glance and swallowed.
"That is nasty," Snape said placing the dirty dish on the table.
"Helped though huh?" I said winking at him.
"I guess I would be inclined to agree with you," Snape said again looking like he wanted to make me cry.
"So what were you doing till four in the morning that you came back swerving more than Neville on a broom?" I asked sitting down.
"That is none of your business. And from now on when you exit your room you will be dressed appropriately," Snape said glancing at my white jammies with a dismissive sniff.
"Why you're in your boxers," I pointed to him. He blushed a deep red and did not respond. I smirked. "So I get you were drinking but what I don't get is with whom? Was it Malfoy? Is he your drinking buddy?"
"Miss Granger," Snape began but I stopped him by holding my hands up.
"Snape please. You've held me captive for what? An entire month? Please call me Hermione," I said sarcastically.
"Miss-" Snape began.
"You've also kissed me," I pointed out.
"Grang-" Snape said looking angrier by the minute.
"And seen my boobs," I said watching as he blushed again.
"Hermione!" Snape finally bellowed.
"Yes?" I asked now allowing him to speak.
"What I do in my spare time does not concern you," Snape spat snapping his fingers. Seconds later Lola appeared carrying a tray of food.
"Under any circumstances I would never dream of asking but if you are going to stumble piss drunk into the house, then proceed to crash about and giggle. I would like to know. Also you said you snored! That was not snoring! Ron snores. You use your entire nasal passage. It sounds like your trying to blow a penny out your nose," I said taking a piece of toast. Snape didn't respond. I looked over and saw he was sleeping. Sleeping. SLEEPING! I was in the middle of yelling at him, leaving big gaping holes for him to yell back, and he falls asleep!
I didn't know whether I should wake him or not. I was relieved to see Lola come in and snap her fingers. Snape levitated and she brought him back to his room. You know what? That was rude. I listen to his stupid bitching. Well I at least nod along.
I got up and washed my dish much to Sage's discomfort. He kept trying to take it away from me. I finally let go and let him have it. He washed it, I thanked him, he dropped the dish and began to sob at my feet, I told him it was fine, he blew his nose on my slippers, Lola came back in and dragged him away with a nasty glare at me. Fun times at Snape Manor.
The house, now that it trusts me, is huge and actually picturesque. I kinda like it. Of course I would much rather like to know I'm not being held here against my will. I can pretend that I am his Apprentice that he wont let touch any potions. That is probably what it would be like anyways. Stupid Snape. Stupid Snape Manor. Stupid house-elves. Stupid vase that tried to bite me. Hey a dart board!
A/N Please read and review.
