A/N : Yo ho and a bottle of rum! Now, kids, if you haven't watched Pirates Of The Carribean yet – Go. I command you to. Now. Orlando Bloom goodness. =) Before I forget, a thanks to BlueEyedWildMage for pointing out to me that Oliver has been added to the FFN fiction character list. Whoo-hoo! A big howdy to all the new reviewers; thank you for being so kind with your reviews (this goes for everyone else, too)! Well now. Let's go see what Madam Puddifoot has in store for our dear Liverboy…

Chapter Fifteen : The Many Names Of Oliver Wood

Cookie. n.1. A small sweet biscuit.
                2. A plain bun.
                3. Madam Loretta Puddifoot's favourite nickname for her grandson, Oliver Fransisco Wood, closely followed by the terms 'poppet', and 'big boy'.

"Cooooooooooookie!" Grandma sang – no, yodeled ­– back to me, her hand resting on The Doorknob Of Doom.

"Er…coming, grandma!"

I was so tempted to yodel.

I was just so tempted to yodel.

I tell you, I was THAT CLOSE.

"Hurry up, cookie," Katie giggled, and Grandma gave Katie's hand a tender squeeze before turning her wrist and leading the two of them into her tea shop, which appeared to have been closed up for the day.

Okay. Take a deep breath, Oliver. It's really not that bad!

"Now, poppet, if you don't hurry along, your little friend will finish all the yummy Cauldron Cakes!" Grandma said brightly, popping her head through the doorway to look at me. "Come on, cookie!" she beckoned.

I tried to smile and slowly walked over to her; the second I was within clutching grasp she did just that – clutched me – and pulled me into her dangerously hot pink tea shop, closing the door behind us. Katie was already seated at one of the small circular tables, gobbling down the remains of a freshly-baked Cauldron Cake ravenously.

"Hey, Orli, come join me!" she mumbled through her cake-stuffed mouth, making wild hand motions with her right arm which I assumed were either a swear word in an obscure alien sign language or her asking me to come sit with her and Enjoy Some Cauldron Cakes.

I'm going with the latter.

I gingerly made my way over to Katie and sat down, avoiding stepping on Grandma's pet cat's tail in the process. Mr Squiggles gave me a dirty look before rising to his feet – er, paws – and trotting over to the other side of the room where he could sleep in peace.

Grandma pulled up another chair to our table and plopped herself down on it with a huge smile on her face. The Face Of Evil…dun dun dun!

"Now, poppet, hurry up and eat your cakes while they're still fresh from the oven – that's right, cookie!" she said happily, reaching her hand out for a cake and stuffing it into my mouth when I made no move towards the cakes whatsoever. "Yummy, isn't it?" she asked delightedly.

"Yes'm," Katie mumbled.

"Yesh, it ish," I managed to choke through the crumbs in my mouth. At least it was the first ten times you baked them for me!

Then my conscience seemed to decide that that moment was about the right time to start kicking into action. Now, now, Oliver, it seemed to say. You know she's only doing this because she loves you, and also cares very much for your friend Katie. All this is merely done out of the goodness of her heart, and therefore you should be grateful! You won't have her around for very long, you know. So treasure her presence while you still can, and – oh, shit. She's getting the pictures out. Ciao, little man, I'll see you on the other side…

"Oh, great, pictures!" Katie exclaimed, straightening up. She had finally finished her fifth Cauldron Cake and was now looking quite pleased with herself. "Do you have any new ones, grandma?"

No, Merlin, please no, please no, please no…

"Now that you mention it, dear girl, yes, I do! Oliver's parents sent me some new photographs last weekend that they had just gotten developed! They're of poppet over there and his younger sister Jennifer during the summer holidays! Come have a look, dear…" Grandma said enthusiastically, waving her wand and summoning two huge photograph albums from a cupboard that was a pale shade of pink.

Dammit.

Last summer holidays…where did I go again?

"Merlin's BEARD, is that a Speedo you're wearing, Orli?!"

Oh, shit.

Bora Bora.

I have been sitting here for the past hour listening to the girl of my dreams and my maternal grandmother laughing over waving pictures of me in a Speedo, sipping iced tea out of a glass with a pink umbrella in Bora Bora.

A lesser wizard would be dead by now.

"Look, er – excuse me, hello –" "Hi, Speedo Ma –" "IF you don't mind, grandma, I'll just take my leave for a second and go use your bathroom."

"Oh, of course, cookie – you do remember how to use the bathroom nicely, don't you? And remember, always leave the toilet seat down again because I'm a lady and as you know, ladies need the toilet seat down –"

"Yes, grandma!"

"Bye, Speedo Man!"

The second I had stepped out of that stiflingly hot room, I sank to the floor, exhausted. I was now in the bright pink stairwell that led to grandma's small apartment upstairs. She lived here alone with Mr Squiggles, who had his own pink basket to sleep in in grandma's bedroom. But this stairwell was now more than Just A Stairwell – it was My Refuge, my Place To Hide From Loretta Puddifoot.

Now if I could just manage to stay out here until half past three…

"Katie, dear, do you mind if we stop looking at photographs for a while…while Oliver's still gone?" I suddenly heard Grandma's voice said, carrying out into the stairwell.

I closed my eyes and moaned inwardly. What the devil was she going to do now, just to humiliate me even further?

"Sure, grandma – what's on your mind?" Katie asked, and I could hear the thud of the heavy photo album she was looking at being shut.

"Well, dear, you see, it's – I'm not so sure whether I should be telling you this but it's – it's…"

Gee. Let me think.

"It's Oliver, sweetheart."

Three points, we have a winner! Ding ding ding!

"Oliver?" I could practically see Katie's brow furrowing; her biting her lip like she always does when she's worried about something, whether she realizes it or not.

"What about Oliver? Is it about him not wanting to eat his Cauldron Cakes? Because if that's it, he's just not feeling very hungry today, that's all," Katie continued.

"Oh, no, dear, it's not that. I was just wondering…you see, I was just wondering whether there are any – feelings – of any sort between the two of you."

There was silence.

I had a heart attack and died.

"Dear?" Grandma prodded kindly.

"Why – why are you asking me this all of a sudden?" Katie asked in a strangled sort of voice.

Yes, grandma, why the heck are you asking her this all of a sudden? My heart can't take this sort of emotional trauma any more! I'm going to sue!

"Well," Grandma began, hesitating slightly, "ever since Oliver brought you to see me when you were both thirteen, I thought that maybe – maybe there was some hope for him, after all. But now you're both getting so big and graduating, and you both seem so close – but why is it that you've never been attracted to my grandson?"

Oh, Merlin, no – hey, wait a minute. Yes! Why is it that you've never been attracted to me?

"Is it because there's something wrong with him?"

Yeah, is it?

"Did he ever do anything wrong to you?"

Absolutely never! Not even once!

"Why won't you give Oliver a chance?"

YEAH!

"I understand if you think he's a – well – a gay, dear, because I thought so too for the first thirteen years of his life, but that's when he brought you over and we all thought he still had hope!"

YE – huh?

"Oh. Well, he's not gay, grandma. But trust me, I know the feeling…" Katie finally spoke up again, laughing slightly.

"So…why, dearie? You're the nicest girl of Oliver's age that I've ever known, and Merlin knows there's no one I want more as a daughter-in-law than you… Just satisfy an old lady's curiosity, Katie – why?"

There was silence again, but this time grandma didn't push Katie to answer.

I strained my ears, trying to pick up every single word they were saying. I couldn't afford to miss out now…

"I…I…" Katie began, and I inched even closer towards the door. When suddenly…

"MEOW!"

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN – YOU STUPID CAT!" I bellowed, jumping to my feet as Mr Squiggles launched himself at my face. I stumbled through the door, a tiny part of my mind wondering whether they had realized that I had been eavesdropping.

"Squiggly, get off Oliver this instant or you won't be getting any dinner today!" Grandma immediately commanded, getting up from her seat; Mr Squiggles immediately let go off my face and skulked away, still scowling at me. I snuck a glance at Katie, whose face appeared very flushed; she was looking at me and blushed when I made eye contact with her.

"Er," I said, clearing my throat nervously, "sorry about that. I was coming back from – the bathroom, you know, and that cat of yours mistook me for catnip, I imagine… Let's all just sit down again and pretend that never happened, shall we?"

I was about to make my ay over to them and sit down again when Katie jumped up. "Er, actually, Oliver, I'm not feeling very well…would you mind very much if I went back to Hogwarts…alone?"

She didn't even give me a chance to reply; instead, she pecked grandma lightly on the cheek, flashed me a quick smile, and then was out the door with a yelled, "Thanks!"

Grandma and I stared after her for a second, then turned back to look at each other.

"Why did she leave like that? Isn't she feeling well?" I asked innocently.

Grandma gave me a long, hard look before replying.

"I suspect, cookie, that she is indeed sick…and in fact, her condition is quite serious. I suggest you let her have some time to herself for now. Goodbye, cookie, come and visit another time, won't you?" she said and gave me a tight hug. We walked to the door together and I was about to set off for the Leaky Cauldron when she called my name.

"Yes, grandma, did I forget something?" I asked, turning around.

Grandma sighed.

"Just a reminder, dear : leave Katie alone for the time being, the poor girl. You see, poppet, she's come down with a very bad love bug and is quite lovesick at the moment – and I think it may be more serious than you or I could ever imagine."

And she closed the door.

A/N : Yay, another chapter over! So, how did I write it? Was it good? Bad? Please tell me! I once again would like to apologize for the long time I'm taking to update nowadays, and I swear to you that once my finals are over (October 10th) the updates will keep comin' as fast as I can write them without actually spoiling the story! Harry Potter fan's honour. =) And yes, I do realize this was a short chapter. I'm sorry, but I was so happy with what Grandma Puddifoot said to Oliver that I decided to just end it there. Besides, there's nothing much more that I can write for this chapter, really. Anyway, as a special treat – the next chapter will have BOTH Katie and Oliver's point of views! If I, you know, update within this century. I promise that you will have an up-close-and-personal look at both their homes and families. Also on a Harry Potter fan's honour. Peace out, guys.