Chapter 4 – Gathering Clouds
Part 1 – Arrivals and Departures
On the verge of spontaneous combustion.
Woe-is-me.
But I guess that it comes with the territory;
an ominous landscape of never ending calamity.
I need you to hear, I need you to see that I have had all I can take and exploding seems like a definite possibility to me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.
Not two days ago, I was having a look in a book and I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees. I said, "I can relate," cause' lately I've been thinking of combustication
as a welcomed vacation from the burdens of the planet earth.
Like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...
and thinking so much differently.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.
Incubus (Pardon Me)
"I'm sure that Ritsuko is thinking that I'm an 'indecent woman' right now."
"Those who are hooked on sexual desires seem more human. I think we might just be fooling them a bit.
"Intelligence? Commander Ikari, Ritsuko, or me?
"No, me..."
"Others... I'm right? You aren't interested in others but you feel lonely. You really are like my father..."
"Cigarettes, you still smoke?"
"I smoke only after doing things like these... So only you know about this."
"I feel honored, but is this the only reason we meet? For you to gain things?"
"Yeah, that's one of the reasons. I'm rather honest, don't you think?"
"The honor would be entirely mine, if a lady would make a cat's-paw of me."
"At present, it's important that I let you know my hopes. What is the true goal of NERV and Commander Ikari?"
"Ah but it's I that wants to know that."
"Stop dodging my questions. Aaah! No, don't put things in there! What are you trying to do anyways?"
"Here is a present, for the first time in eight years, I suppose."
"Wha?"
"I'm afraid that it's the last one."
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Kaji Ryouji sighed as he turned his computer terminal off. He checked his watch... 'Not much time now' he thought to himself as he leaned against the terminal. He pulled out a small pistol, checked the clip. "How strange... I know the exact amount of bullets in my clip, yet I feel compelled to double check... I always have to make sure, don't I?" he chuckled to himself mentally as he slid the clip back in. He sighed as he waited for what he felt was the inevitable. He had grown too dangerous, had poked about where 'he shouldn't have'. Now it was time for SEELE and NERV to get rid of their little tool, before it had the chance to turn on them.
"Chances are, I'm not going to get out of this alive if I decide to stay..." he wondered out loud. "One has to wonder, what happens if I live? No, I don't think I can be allowed to live... It'd be stupid to keep going... Ah well, I wonder how they'll remember me when I'm gone? Most likely as the ever-present tramp..."he sighed, again. A moment later he chuckled. "I'm getting much too sentimental in my advanced age," he laughed as he continued to wait for his deliverance.
It came soon enough, as a few minutes later he felt something cold and hard press against the back of his head.
"You're rather late" he said smiling as he silently pulled out his gun, hiding the motion by lifting his left arm, showing his assailant the time.
"I know"
Several gunshots later, a body fell to the floor, the sound of the impact coupled with the previous gunshots echoed throughout the corridor ominously. It was over...
----------------------------
The knife fell, slicing the meat that it encountered in half... Thick red fluids flowed like small rivers... It was over...
Shinji hummed softly as he packed the sandwiches away into his and Asuka's lunchboxes. He sighed as he started to think of her. It seemed, to him at least, as if she had been avoiding him over the past few days. He had considered talking to Misato about it but had eventually decided that it was nothing to worry about. Not yet anyways, and to be truthful he was sort of enjoying the peaceful that came as a result of Asuka's absence. 'Why risk destroying that?' he thought as he remembered her harsh words, her scorn, and how it had been so hard for him to deal with. At least for now he wouldn't feel too hurt.
"Come on Third! Hurry up and get moving! Don't want to be late, do you?" Asuka shouted from down the hall before exiting. She had no intentions of waiting for him, because she knew that if she did, she'd be tempted to talk to him... And she didn't want to do that just yet.
'You do know that you will have to talk to him eventually, you said so yourself,' her inner voice scolded her before adding an accusation, 'Not as ready as you think you are now, are you?' Asuka brushed the voice aside mentally as she stepped inside the elevator down the hall from the apartment. She caught a glimpse of Shinji rushing out the door and looking around wildly before the elevator doors closed. She sighed as she pressed the button for the ground floor. She watched as the light indicating the floor, slowly made its way down to the end.
Shinji cursed as he hastily closed and locked the front door. He began looking around for Asuka. After seeing the elevator doors closing he cursed again and headed for the nearest stair case. "Great, First day back to school and what happens? I'm going to be a little late because Asuka decides that it's a good time to be a bitch and not wait for me. Marvelous" he muttered darkly as he flew down the stairs. 'Not only that but it seems that everyone in NERV thinks something's wrong with me, the way they all keep their distance from me...' he thought angrily as he remembered his first day back.
======================
'Shinji gave Misato and Asuka a broad smile as he sat down and watched them try the pancakes he had made. "So what do you think?", he asked, eagerly awaiting their answer. It had been the first time he had attempted making blueberry pancakes, and he wanted to take note of anything wrong for future references.
Misato was the first to try. "Hmmm, it's different... But I like it!" Misato said before inhaling the contents of her plate. Or at least it seemed that way to Shinji. 'Well, considering that she can stomach her own food, Misato may not be the best food critic... Let's see what Asuka thinks' he thought as he turned to her. "Well?" he asked, watching her intently.
Asuka simply sighed, and took a few bites. She chewed slowly and thoughtfully. Shinji waited patiently as she took her sweet time tasting it. "What do you know, I guess Shinji's good for something after all", she laughed. Shinji flinched subtly at the comment. He began to apologize, but changed his mind half way through, finally realizing the stupidity of it. "I'm sorry..." he said softly. Asuka rolled her eyes, and was about to say something when Shinji cut her off. Still using a soft voice he added, "I'm sorry that you feel that this the only thing I can do..." Without looking at Asuka or Misato he sat down and turned his attention to his own breakfast. He took a deep breath, trying to push dark thoughts out. 'Mmmm, not bad,' he thought to himself as he took a few more bites.
Misato was the one that broke the silence. "Ritsuko wants to run some tests with you, be at her office at noon," she said. Shinji nodded, it was reasonable enough. After all, after what had just happened, they were probably wondering if he could still pilot... 'Or if I'll continue piloting...' he thought to himself as he finished off his plate. Besides, it would give him some time to think... 'Maybe it won't be so bad,' he shrugged mentally.
======================
"Ha, stupidest assumption I ever made!", Shinji muttered as he skipped a few stairs.
======================
Ritsuko gave Shinji a somewhat re-assuring smile. As re-assuring as an older woman can be when one isn't wearing much. "Is it really necessary for me to be...er...naked?" he asked twitching slightly covering his nether regions. Ritsuko gave an exasperated sigh. "Yes, it's necessary, I want to see how well you synch with and without a suit on," she explained motioning to the empty plug waiting in the test room next door.
Shinji knew it was pointless to resist, or argue for that matter. "Fine, but could you at least tell the techs to stop giggling? It's a little off- putting," he asked, refusing to move until the female technicians stopped. Ritsuko gave another sigh, "Okay... You heard the man, stop it, especially you Fubuki!" she shouted. After giving a "Yes Ma'am!" the tech in question fell silent. Shinji took the opportunity to rush into the test room, practically diving in to the entry plug.
"Finally", Ritsuko said, "Begin the procedure! Ready?" "Ready as I'll ever be", Shinji sighed, closing his eyes as he waited for the LCL to fill the plug. It did so slowly, its warmth encompassing his body as the plug neared fullness. 'Mother' he whispered mentally as he felt her familiar presence nearby. 'Not real' he thought sadly as the feeling slipped away, hollowness replacing it.
He breathed in deeply, letting the LCL fill his lungs. He grinned as he recalled his first experience with it. He had held his breath as long as he could, resisting the (at the time)foreign liquid. Eventually his lungs had given out and he had been forced to allow the substance to enter his lungs. He shuddered slightly as he remembered that first gulp; the way the LCL had oozed down his throat, slowly dripping into his lungs, the warmth invading his shell. And now it was second nature... no longer alien.
'Adaptation', Shinji thought. Adaptation, it was what made humanity different from other life, what gave it it's greatest strength. 'And combined with hope, should be able to win us this so called Angel War...' he pondered as he waited for Ritsuko's signal to start.
"Let's begin"
======================
"Thirteen hours... For thirteen hours she poked, prodded, probed and practically dissected me... WITH COLD HANDS!" Shinji growled to himself, remembering those grueling thirteen hours of torture. He shuddered violently as memories of the physical came up, unbidden. In doing so, he missed a step. He barely had time to shout before slamming into a wall, fifteen steps down.
He hit the wall feet first, his left leg fracturing on impact. It took everything he had to keep from screaming as pain coursed through his leg. He found it strangely ironic. He had suffered injuries far worse than a broken leg while piloting, yet because it was actually happening to him it seemed worse. "Marvelous," he spat, rather sarcastically, through grit teeth. Taking rapid, shallow breaths he tried to block the pain mentally.
"Happy thoughts... Painless thoughts... Tranquil thoughts..." Shinji repeated as he lay crumpled on the floor.
'But what brings me happiness, without also causing me pain?" he wondered, trying to sit up as best as he could. His first thought had been of Asuka, and of her once in a blue moon genuine smile... but the bitter realization that it wasn't because of or for him, caused him to stop.
"Even now she causes me pain", he mused, suddenly remembering his current predicament. "I'm going to be so late", he chuckled, as he leaned against the wall, wondering what he was going to do.
----------------------------
"Where is that idiot?" Asuka muttered as she entered the classroom, just as the bell rang. She had been forced (due to a number of things) to stop several times along the way to school. "Shinji should have caught up with me at the second light...,'she pondered out loud, worry creeping into her mind. 'Why am I worrying about him?' she asked herself. Instead of an answer she received Hikari. "Worried about Ikari, are you?" she asked, sidling up next to Asuka. This immediately set off Asuka's built in countermeasures, allowing them to kick in just in time for her to save face.
"No, I'm just wondering why the stooge is so damn late, he has my lunch, and I forgot to bring my wallet along today," she half-lied. "Oh really? Then why did you blush when I asked?" Hikari asked slyly with an eyebrow raised. 'Oh she's good... fluch!' Asuka swore mentally, whilst simultaneously trying to come up with a plausible explanation. She couldn't find one, and her pride wouldn't let her admit that she was feeling anything (except utter contempt) towards Shinji. 'When in doubt, or close to defeat, use horribly confusing and complicated answers,' Asuka thought smugly. Hikari cut her off before she could begin. "And don't try to use the 'confuse em with a complex answer' approach, you know I'm not stupid," Hikari added.
Asuka was getting desperate. 'She's right... she knows me too well, I can't use my best stuff... but I can't tell her either, not outright anyways', she sighed mentally. "We'll talk later, class is starting" Asuka finally replied, opting to cop out.
----------------------------
Shinji gasped as he felt something warm trickle down his injured leg. He pulled the pant leg back carefully, groaned as he saw the blood. "What the..." he began to speak as the blood began to form bubbles. A moment later his leg began to liquefy. "This isn't happening! This isn't happening! This isn't happening!" he repeated, closing his eyes as numbness took him. When he looked again, his leg was solid once more; there was no sign of the blood anywhere. Slowly and carefully, Shinji got up. He felt no pain in the injured leg. It seemed...fine?
"I'm going insane... That's it, that's the only explanation. I've officially lost it," he laughed, taking a few wary steps. Feeling no discomfort of any sort he picked up his bag and walked down the remaining steps, making a mental note to talk to Asuka when he had the time. 'Speaking of which... I'M AN HOUR LATE!' he screamed mentally, as he checked his watch.
"An hour, an hour! I swear I'll kill that girl!", he told himself out loud as he exited.
"That's a very strange way of saying you're displeased with someone, don't you think?" a cheerful voice asked him. "Huh?", he asked turning in mid stride. "Re" he stopped in mid-sentence as he realized that it couldn't be Rei. The girl before him shared the same red eyes, albeit a little darker, and she too was very pale. But that's where the similarities ended. For one thing, she was too emotional to be Rei. Her hair was longer and (even) unrulier than Rei's. Not only that but it was gray...
Shinji stared at her for a few moments. 'Interesting color for someone this young... I wonder if it's natural?' he wondered. She wore a school uniform, was she a new student? Fear gripped him. 'A new pilot? No, we don't have a spare unit, and all of us are fine... Why are you here?' he asked himself.
"After all, I don't think you'd hurt anyone... not intentionally" the gray haired girl said before giving Shinji a smile and walking off. He followed her with his gaze for a few more moments, constantly studying the way she moved, putting it away for future usage. He shook his head before breaking into a run. He'd wonder about this new girl later, right now he had to get going, he was already horribly late as it was...he really didn't have the time to walk. 'Please, let Mr. Zakunachi understand, please don't let him be as bad as Asuka makes him out to be' he thought as he began running faster.
----------------------------
"Ikari, Shinji?" Mr. Zakunachi called as he took the attendance... "MR.IKARI?" he repeated before asking, "Does anyone know where Ikari is?" When no response came, he marked Shinji absent.
Asuka sighed as she watched. 'What's he gone and done now? He's never this late, and he doesn't have the balls to skip classes,' she thought, finding herself growing worried, much to her dismay. It wasn't as if she didn't have reason to be worried... NERV's security... The seemingly omnipresent Section 2 had lost Shinji before, it could happen again. 'How long did he manage to get away from them for? Three days was it?' she asked herself, trying to recall details of the incident. After only a few moments of sifting through her mind she brought them up.
After getting the chewing out of a life-time by Misato for disobeying a direct order to retreat, Shinji (according to the official report) had experienced emotional distress and had become increasingly isolated, locking himself in his room. Only two days after he had started doing so did Misato finally discover that he had fled from her apartment. Shinji in the meantime had spent four days wandering about Tokyo-03 before heading off into the mountains, where Section 2 finally caught him.
"I'm- I'm sorry I'm late sir!" A familiar voice shouted as the door burst open and someone stumbled in. "Mr. Ikari, I assume?" Mr. Zakunachi asked calmly as Shinji caught his breath. "Yes sir" Shinji nodded, opening his mouth to apologize again. "You are only a few minutes late Ikari, no need for so many apologies... However, be sure that it does not happen again... You may be seated", he said softly. Shinji nodded gratefully again before heading off to his seat.
Asuka watched him as he took his seat, a few desks in front of her. A mixture of relief and anger flushed through her as she examined him with her eyes. 'He doesn't seem to be hurt... Bastard! Making me worry like that! Soon as he boots up I'm giving him a piece of my mind,' she fumed silently as she started her own laptop up.
'Only a few minutes late?' Shinji pondered, confused as hell as he checked the classroom clock. 'I'm losing it... Slowly but surely...I'm losing it...' he sighed, as he marveled at his good fortune. With a more audible sigh he pulled his laptop out.
Within seconds of it becoming operational, a messenger screen popped up.
UberPilot says: You and I need to have a little chat, Third...
Shinji scratched his head, discreetly taking a look in Asuka's direction. 'She looks angry...Not good...'Shinji groaned,' Be strong, go on the offensive...Don't hold back'
=Ikarus= says: I agree, we've needed to talk for a while now
Asuka frowned slightly. She hadn't been expecting this, but then again, what had she been expecting?
UberPilot says: Good! How about we kick it off with, why the hell you're late?
=Ikarus= says: Hmm...
UberPilot says: Well?
=Ikarus= says: Well, I really don't think you'd believe me if I told you
UberPilot says: Oh no... No copouts for you Shinboy! I don't care how outrageous it sounds. You're going to tell me!
=Ikarus= says: sigh when did you start caring?
UberPilot says: You're copping out again, and when did you grow a pair?
=Ikarus= says: So are you, and I've always had them, I just happen to hide em smirks
UberPilot says: Right, so are you going to tell me or what?
Shinji rolled his eyes and began typing up a response, but was cut off by another message screen popping up. He smiled when he realized who it was.
=/X0r says: Come on man1 talk to me!
=Ikarus= says: Calm down! I can hear you muttering and I'm eight desks away!
=/X0r says: Sorry bout that
=Ikarus= says: Not a problem, I've missed you!
=/X0r says: Same here... It hasn't been the same without you
=Ikarus= says: Let me guess, you want to know where I've been for the last month or so?
=/X0r says: (: Well... yeah... When the hell did I get that predictable?
=Ikarus= says: Sorry to burst your bubble ken, but you've always been predictable!
=/X0r says: Ha, now I know you're bsing me... Anyways, good to have you back from?
=Ikarus= says: You never stop, do you?
=/X0r says: Wouldn't be me if I did, would I? :p So?
Shinji chuckled as he typed a somewhat elaborate story, one that was passable, yet one that Kensuke would eat up. He waited a few seconds for Kensuke to respond.
=/X0r says: Top secret training! MAN! I wish I was a pilot...
=Ikarus= says: sigh So what did I miss?
Asuka grew angrier and angrier as seconds turned to minutes and still no response came from Shinji. She watched as his fingers danced across his keyboard, pausing for only a few seconds every now and again. Finally Asuka couldn't take it anymore and felt that a bit of reminding was in order.
UberPilot says: ANSWER!
=Ikarus= says: After you (and I thank you soooooo much for it) left without waiting for me, I had to run for it and take the stairs... In doing so, I tripped, flew down a good 15 or so stairs and shattered one of my legs... Which shortly turned into tang and solidified half an hour later, after which I ran all the way here... Happy?
Asuka blinked as she re-read the message. She stifled a laugh as she read it again. 'Well, I suppose I did say that I didn't care how outrageous it sounded... but this is ridiculous!' she thought... 'He's changed quite a bit...' a little voice inside her head tingled. Asuka agreed as she began formulating a response. 'Let's see how big they've gotten'
UberPilot says: You're bullshitting me... I want the truth
=Ikarus= says: Hypocrite... All right! I'm lying to you, I'm late because I stopped to ogle some women and then went off to touch myself... Satisfied?
UberPilot says: I knew it! You are such a filthy pervert!
=Ikarus= says: And you are such a bitch!
UberPilot says: ... What did you just call me?
=Ikarus= says: It's always about you, isn't it? YOU YOU YOU! No one else ever matters! You don't even care about everyone you tease, or hurt...
UberPilot says: .......
=Ikarus= says: Do you know what? Just forget it... Forget I ever said anything... Forget like you always do...
UberPilot says: Fuck You! I will not forget it! TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN!
-Message could not be sent because "=Ikarus=" appears to be offline-
'The nerve of that bastard! I don't need anyone! I don't need him! They're all below me... They should be grateful, filthy ingrates, that I'm risking my neck to save them!' Asuka's ego started screeching, threatening to explode.
Meanwhile, at his desk, Shinji sat in cold contemplation, pondering over his words.
'I shouldn't have been so harsh'
'Nonsense! You were telling her the truth, one that she would have to face sooner or later anyways'
'I should apologize'
'Gah! There you go again... She's right! You're pathetic!
'What?'
'You're always apologizing!'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Everything! For one thing, you seem awfully insincere!'
'It's just another way of keeping everyone happy...'
'But that's impossible, there's now way in hell that you can appease everyone!'
'I can try, can't I?'
'True... still'
'Still what?'
'You really should stop doing this.'
'Stop doing what?'
'Stop doing a lot of things! Stop putting other's happiness first at the expense of your life... Stop degrading yourself for others, stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong, stop apologizing for things you didn't do, and stop having long drawn out conversations with yourself... Just to name a few'
Shinji sighed as he broke off from his inner dialogue. 'I'm not going to apologize... not yet anyways' he decided as he turned his attentions towards the teacher, trying to push Asuka out of his mind. Or at least he tried... "Bronte... Milton... Oh how I loathe thee," Shinji mumbled as he lay his head on his desk and trying to drift off into blissful unconsciousness.
In the meantime, Asuka had calmed down enough to start an internal dialogue herself.
'Why did he call me that? I thought he loved me! Has that changed?'
'Maybe he's finally gotten tired of having to bow down all the time'
'What's THAT supposed to mean?'
'Don't play stupid with me, you know what I mean. You force Shinji down, time and time again... just so you can feel better about yourself!'
'And why shouldn't I? I'm a pilot! Savior of Humanity, Slayer of the Angels! I'm better than them, I deserve better than that coward... He didn't even want to pilot, and look at him! He's stealing my victories! It's not fair!'
'Ego... Shut up and let the girl speak for herself!'
'What?'
'You're not the one that's talking... Only an aspect of you is, in this case, your ego... which happens to be the one usually in control'
'Riiight... So you are?'
'Your common sense, and to some degree, your intuition'
'So tell me this... Is it normal for a person to be talking to themselves like this?'
'What do you think?'
'My guess is, Yes'
'..........'
'Well, aren't you going to give me an answer?'
'No, I'm only your common sense, not your intelligence... Besides, you're the college grad. You tell me'
'Yes then'
'If you say so'
'For common sense, you seem rather useless'
'Says the worthless one'
'What?'
'You are a college graduate, yet you know very little, you're a pilot, yet you fail to realize that you will be utterly useless once the last Angel comes and goes (chances are, with your current losing streak, that you'll be dead before Seventeen rolls around, anyways... You've got a chance to have a fulfilling relationship with a guy that seems to genuinely care about you, yet you choose to treat him like shit because you'd much rather lust after a man twice your age whom could easily pass off as your father... In short, you're a little girl pretending to be all grown-up without bothering to think of the consequences of her actions, or of anything for that matter'
'Shut up... SHUT UP!'
'What's wrong? Can't take the truth?'
'Fuck you! Go away! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!'
'I'm you, remember? I can't go away'
Asuka tried to shut out the voice, but it refused to be silenced. Relentlessly it pressed its assault, seemingly determined to shatter the girl's protective misconceptions of those around her.
'Shut up! LEAVE ME ALONE!' she screamed in her mind, a futile gesture. It still repeated, the voice reaching a frenzy pitch... And then all went silent...
Ironically the silence was worse than the ever screeching, ever accusing voice...
Asuka realized that her breathing was shallow and ragged... 'I will not break... I will not cry... I will not give in...' she repeated in her mind as she willed her armor back into place. A quick glance to either side quickly alleviated her fears of someone discovering her moment of weakness. Asuka took a deep breath, and closing her eyes, leaned back in her chair.
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A pair of eyes observed the two from their hiding place at the side of the room. 'Strange...' Rei thought as she watched. 'Sohryu seems troubled by something... Ikari is acting in a similar fashion. Is this a result of their quarrel, or perhaps it is the result of something else?' the pale girl wondered, keeping her face passive as always.
Ever since the Second's arrival, she had taken it upon herself to observe her fellow pilot's interactions. At first she told herself that it would increase efficiency in battle and would teach her more about the human psyche. But soon found that she was driven more by curiosity more than any other reason she could think of. Not to say that she wasn't justified in some regard. The quasi-relationship between the Second and Third Children was a fascinating one, especially to one who had never witnessed such a thing.
'Ikari clearly has a romantic interest in Sohryu... Yet he does not express them... Instead he seems content to watch from a distance, only daring to come close occasionally... Sohryu also seems uncertain about her feelings concerning Ikari; such is the state that they are in... Something has changed... It is no longer unstable...' Rei noted, watching her subject's reflections in the window beside her desk. Most people assumed that she was just looking out the window, unaware that she was watching their every move... watching and waiting...
'Most curious...'
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"... I've also been growing... flowers. I'd appreciate it if you took care of them for me... Shinji knows where they are... Don't hesitate, move on! If I ever see you again, I'll say the words I could not, eight years ago... The truth is with you; take care of yourself, Katsuragi..."
Click......... whhhhhrrrrrr.........click
"Katsuragi, it's me...I'm sure you're listening to this message..."
"Idiot......"
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Brrrrriiiiinnnng!
Shinji let out a rather audible sigh of relief as the bell signaling the beginning of the lunch break rang.
It got caught in his throat as the potential consequences of his rash words concerning Asuka and the fact that he held her lunch in his hand caught up with him. 'Damn it... Not good... not good!' he sighed silently as he got up slowly from his seat, bento in hand. He walked like a man facing certain death. He kept a hand in his pocket, ready to move it to a blocking position should Asuka become... angry. He had felt the force of her blows a long time ago, he quickly recalled how badly bruised his face had been afterwards. He had no wish for his boys to end up the same way.
"Here goes nothing", he muttered as he approached.
Asuka saw Shinji coming, and for a split second, wondered why. 'Has he come to apologize? To confess his feelings? Or... is he...just bringing me my lunch' She prepared an insult... or rather tried to. For the first time, she couldn't think of anything particularly insulting or demeaning to say to him.
"What are you, stupid? Gimme that you idiotic pervert!" she blurted as he opened his mouth to say something, quickly snatching the bento from his hand. She proceeded to stomp off in a suitably melodramatic fashion, Hikari in tow.
Shinji exhaled. Asuka was still a little off balance after his little outburst. The haphazardly constructed insult was all the proof he needed of that. 'Not quite at the top of your game are you?' he smirked inwardly for a moment before remarking, "Where did that come from?"
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'She keeps lashing out at you, making you hurt... Yet you simply take it and take it... Why? I must discover what lies within your heart... But first we must get rid of the Second... Ah! I see that you've noticed me. Come! Let's begin our little game...'
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'Mutter ficken gotterdammerung schiesse!' issued a long string of rather potent curse words from Asuka as she sat down to eat. 'Smug bastard, look at him... sitting there on the roof... talking... with... Rei?' Asuka muttered as she observed Shinji from afar.
He seemed deep in conversation with a girl whom Asuka had at first mistaken for Rei. 'What the hell is going on?' she wondered.
----------------------------
"Hello again! Still feeling murderous, by any chance?" the mystery girl laughed as she watched Shinji ascend to her perch. "You again!" Shinji called out as he hoisted himself up. "Who... who are you?" he asked, catching his breath.
"Where's the fun in telling you just yet?" she taunted, "Let's just say that I'm like yet unlike you in more ways than one." She gave him a broad grin, staring at him with her crimson eyes. "What do you mean? I don't understand!" Shinji exclaimed, growing more curious by the second. This girl was different, clearly; otherwise he wouldn't be pursuing her so actively. He felt a compulsion to find out why.
"Well of course you don't understand, silly!" she laughed before beginning to muse. "If you did, perhaps you wouldn't be as eager... or maybe you'd become even more interested?" she giggled, getting up. Shinji pondered her words as she began to dance around him, humming softly. 'Just who... or maybe better question would be... What are you?' Shinji wondered as the gray haired girl continued dancing, the humming having been replaced by her extrapolating on her numerous views on truth and reality.
"... Look how fragile it is for you Lillims!" she ended abruptly as if greatly disturbed by something. "I should go..." she said seriously, a grave look upon her face. It unsettled Shinji greatly. She seemed to notice it, and decided to give Shinji a rather unexpected surprise...
"Don't worry... I'll be seeing you again... Count on it" she smiled as she pulled away and faded from Shinji's view.
----------------------------
'An unknown variable... This is...unexpected. I do not know how to proceed, Should I inform the Commander, intervene at my own discretion, or simply observe?
Strange... There is a feeling about this one. Familiarity? Is she the same as I, of the same origin? No... She is different. Different yet not different. Most distressing... I must protect Ikari, I must wait to inform the Commander...
I believe I shall observe for now'
----------------------------
Shinji stood in a state of total shock... He was frozen in place, unable to comprehend what had just happened. His brain simply could not compute...
'Mysterious gray haired girl, that looks like Rei random babbling on both of our parts ki... ERROR, SYSTEM ERROR, CANNOT COMPUTE, SYNTAX ERROR! SYSTEM MELTDOWN IMMINENT! DANGER SHINJI IKARI DANGER!'
He was snapped out of his haze by a hard smack on his back, followed shortly by a loud and vigorous "MAN! Nice work!" from the perpetrator of the prior smacking. "Wha... What just happened?" Shinji asked, still slightly dazed by recent events. "Oh ho ho! You're a sly dog, Shinji..." his bespectacled friend Kensuke laughed before commencing a bombardment of questions. "So what's her name? How long have you been doing it? How long have you known her? She any good? Does she spit or swallow?" and so on and so on.
Shinji tried his best to answer, or rather clarify but had a very bad feeling that he wasn't getting through. "I don't know, we're not doing anything!(I think), I just met her... KENSUKE! Could you please stop asking me stuff like that!?"
----------------------------
"Asuka! Where are we going?" Hikari inquired as she was jostled along by a German that seemed very anxious about something. "To find that weibchen" Asuka snapped. "What? Asuka! What are you talking about?" Hikari barely had time to ask before Asuka grabbed her and started running. "That girl! You saw her! The one kissing Shinji!" Asuka exclaimed, stopping for a moment to look about frantically. The girl she had seen a few minutes ago was nowhere to be found. It was during this brief pause that Hikari said in a sing song voice, "And why are we looking for her? ... Are you jealous?"
Asuka suddenly turned very red... and shortly afterwards, very loud. "Hell no! I just want to make sure that any girl stupid enough to try and pursue a relationship with that perverted fool knows what she's getting into!" she shouted at the hapless brunette, forcing her lie across. Truthfully, she was feeling slightly envious... 'Bitch, trying to take my Shinji! I'll show you...' Asuka fumed inwardly, still searching for the bitch in question.
'So he's your Shinji now? I don't recall you thinking that way before' her inner voice interjected. 'Oh shut up! If I won't have him, no one else will!' 'Are you certain that it's not, can't?' 'Just what are you implying?' 'That you are incapable of reciprocating his feelings and as a result, wish for him to be alone, until you are capable of doing so.' 'As if!'
'All right, prove it then... Ask him out to a date'
'Wha!?'
'What do you have to lose, if you're so capable?'
"Asuka? Could you please let go already! It's starting to go numb!" Hikari shouted, breaking her concentration. "What? Oh! Sorry..."Asuka apologized, releasing Hikari from her iron grip, "Did you see where she went?"
Hikari shook her head, and then sighed. It was at that moment that Asuka felt it might be best if she gave up the chase for the day. People had started to stare at her; for all the wrong reasons. "What the hell are all of you looking at?" she shouted at them. They went back to whatever it was that they were doing. 'Damn it... I'll find you... And when I do...', Asuka thought, before heading out to lunch with Hikari.
Part 2 – Crack
Empty spaces - what are we waiting for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for
Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah...oh... oh... oh...
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends!
The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the show
On with the show
The show must go on
Queen (Show Must Go On)
Shinji took a deep breath to both calm and prepare himself for the verbal whipping he would surely endure upon entering his home. Thankfully he had been on clean up duty, and therefore had been spared a lot of the initial heat from his little 'Bitch' comment. Seeing as Asuka had gotten home earlier, she would have had more time to cool down. At least, that was the logical way of looking at it.
'Then again, since when has she ever acted logically?', Shinji sighed mentally... 'Please...please be at Hikari's tonight...' he prayed fervently, 'Yeah right... and miracles happen how often?'
He took another deep breath, opened the door, and stepped inside. "I'm home!" he called out; half out of habit, half out of courtesy. 'It is better to let whatever shall come, come...' he thought, 'better if she bitches at me now... at least I'll have gotten it over with', he told himself as he slipped out of his sneakers and continued into the den.
The apartment was surprisingly silent. Shinji didn't like it. It wasn't the peaceful quiet he longed for. Rather, it was a tense silence, like that of the eerie calm that always seemed to come before the onset of a mighty storm. Something felt as if it had to give. Shinji tried hard to figure out what was causing the feeling. 'Asuka?' he guessed as he set off for his room. 'No, this feels different...'
Suddenly that intangible string holding the silence together snapped. Faint sobbing, seemingly magnified by the previous lack of sound, assaulted his ears. Shinji quickly determined the origin. 'The kitchen... Misato!' he thought as he rushed to its entrance. His thoughts were immediately confirmed as he reached it. The purple haired woman was leaning over the kitchen table, cradling something in her arms.
He wanted to ask her what was wrong, but found that he could not move past the kitchen's doorframe, or make a sound. It was as if his power cord had been cut and the battery had just run dry. His mind raced frantically. 'What's wrong? What happened? What do I do?... Asuka!' he said, reaching a conclusion. He couldn't do it alone, so... he'd get Asuka's aid. He quietly sneaked off to get his ill tempered roommate.
"Asuka?" he asked, barely audible, as he knocked softly on her door. He ignored the badly written "Go away" sign, and continued to knock when no answer came. "Asuka, something's wrong with Misato... I d-"
"Piss off Shinji! I really don't feel like talking to you right now, why don't you go find your new doll and play with her?" she shouted at him through the door, "Just leave me the hell alone!"
"Fine..." Shinji muttered, walking away. He paused for a moment as he passed the kitchen. Misato was still crying. Even as he closed the door to his sanctum, he could still hear her howls of despair. The terrible feeling that he was useless, alongside guilt and shame coursed through him as he tried to shut out that horrible sound.
He snatched up his SDAT from its resting place on his bed, and hastily put in the headphones. He could still hear it... He turned up the volume, but he still heard that terrible noise. He buried his head under his pillow... but the noise was relentless. His last thoughts before he forced himself into unconsciousness were, Damn it... I'm just a kid, I wish that I could help her, but I'm just a child...'
----------------------------
Asuka fumed quietly in the comfort of her own room. Choosing to isolate herself instead of taking out her frustrations on the source. She hadn't taken Shinji's attempt at piercing this solitude very well and was now swearing viciously in her head as not to attract Misato's attention. 'Nerve of that verdammnt bastard, coming to try and talk to me after what he pulled today...'she muttered mentally as she laid back onto her bed.
As she stared at her vast empty ceiling, she found that her ire burned a little less hot. 'Just what was it that he was saying anyways?' she wondered for a while before dismissing it. 'Probably came to apologize for what he did', she told herself. The thought cheered her up for some reason. That was before reality and the increasingly intrusive voice in her head kicked in.
'Yeah... riiiight'
'... You again, don't you have anything better to do?'
'No, not really'
'Let me guess, you're here to tell me that I should accept the fact that his feelings about me have most likely changed?'
'Smart guess, but incorrect!'
'So... random bout of introspection, most likely brought about by some sort of trauma?'
'Getting warmer'
'He's not going to apologize'
'Not yet, anyways'
'Why do you suggest that? The whole 'Look at me, I've got a spine and I'm going to use it!' act?'
'My, aren't we observant today'
'Spare me the sarcasm and get to the point... Assuming that there even is one'
'Should there be?'
'Well... yeah!... There's no point in this, is there?'
'Aside from my little visits being a wonderful indication of your rapidly deteriorating sanity... not really'
Asuka sighed as the voice broke off. 'I've really got to stop doing that... Now if only I had been paying attention to Shinji...'
----------------------------
Shinji woke up feeling horrible. He couldn't shake off the guilt that had been hounding him. "Three days... It's been three days," he whispered as he remembered Misato's cries... and how they just wouldn't stop. He had guessed soon afterwards that it had something to do with Kaji. Shinji's first instinct was that the older man had been hurt somewhere. After the second day his fears became more and more concrete, as Misato continued crying. Eventually he figured it out.
"He's dead..." Shinji whispered to himself, a tear making its way down his cheek. Logically it was the only reason... the only reason that Misato would be sobbing. As Shinji had been living with her for almost a year, and had only witnessed her crying once. It had been after his escape from the 12th Angel...
Suddenly he thought of Asuka. "Asuka, she can't know about this... She mustn't..." he decided after further contemplating the revelation. Asuka already seemed on edge, news of his death would only serve to push her over it. Between her last defeat, upcoming synch tests, and what he could only guess was that time of the month, she was a time bomb waiting to go off.
The bomb in question was waking up. Just like Shinji, she felt terrible. Her period had started the day before, and the cramps were only getting worse. She hadn't spoken to Shinji since the night of the kissing incident, and worst of all to her, she realized that she hadn't seen Kaji in weeks. Which meant of course, that it was the first thing on her mind when she came into consciousness.
'Where is he? I haven't seen him since... that night,' she thought, unwillingly digging up her most recent memory of the man of her dreams. It had been before Shinji's return.
The plan that night had been to go to Hikari's. That's what she had told Misato a few days prior. But with the hospitalization of Hikari's older sister, that had been called off. Of course, Asuka had neglected to mention it to Misato. When she got home that night, she had noticed an extra pair of shoes at the door... men's shoes. She had stupidly assumed that it was the eve of Shinji's return, because of them. She heard faint noises coming from down the hall, and decided to stay quiet, hoping to sneak up on Shinji. As she drew closer to the living room the noises became more pronounced. People whispering...
Asuka had inched closer... She heard Kaji's voice and struggled to keep from running into the room. She failed and burst in... The cry of joy had died in her throat, as a horrible sight greeted her eyes.
'Kaji was... and Misato was... They had been... They are... having sex...' she thought with a mixture of despair and disgust. She had lost her battle to win the man over before she even had a chance. She had refused to admit it until the fact was shoved into her face. She had managed to suppress the memory, the reality of it... However, it didn't last, just as her attempt to suppress the reality that was her piloting record hadn't lasted. She had failed to gain the affections of Kaji, and she had failed to defeat the last three Angels. Always defeated, always outshined by either Shinji or Misato... The strange thing was that defeat at Misato's hands was preferable to Shinji...
"That bastard doesn't need me or wonder-girl... He's found himself someone else... The journals were a lie," she rasped bitterly, as she found a concrete target for her hormone fueled rage.
----------------------------
Misato sat alone at the breakfast table, trying hard to drink her beer. For the first time in a long time, it felt wrong... the taste, once sweet, had become bitter. She was incapable of drowning her sorrows with it anymore. It simply could not keep her under long enough to forget.
"Kaji," she wondered aloud, almost as if she were speaking to a ghost, "What were you looking for... what was so important that you were willing to die for it?"
She took another sip, tossed the can aside. 'Funny, it reminds me of my very first beer... it also tasted like shit, and I ended up throwing it away, half full,' she laughed mentally as she sank back into her chair. It was going to be a long day.
----------------------------
"I might as well get out of bed... It's a school day, but... then again, I don't want to," Shinji muttered, as he sat up in his bed. The covers lay about him like layers of discarded skin, as he contemplated what he was going to do with his day.
On the one hand, he could return to school as he had been absent for the past... "Three days," he whispered, as the knowledge of the wasted days suddenly materialized within his mind. The Katsuragi had fallen into an apathetic despair after that first night.
He hadn't seen or spoke to Asuka since then... It scared and, at the same time, confused him. He was afraid. Afraid because he felt that Asuka might've done something stupid to herself. 'Does she know then? That Kaji is dead?' he wondered, 'Or maybe this is all because of that girl? The kiss?' That was the part where the confusion kicked in.
As far as he knew, Asuka did not harbor any romantic feelings for him. "So why was she screaming at me like that? I mean, she's can't be jealous... can she?" he muttered to himself, visions of Asuka and the gray- haired girl, dancing in his head.
----------------------------
High up in the mountainside, on a cliff edge sat the girl in Shinji's head. She stared down at the city below her. 'Amazing, how fragile they are... And yet they've managed to create something that has managed to stay standing, even after the countless attacks... truly remarkable', she mused as she admired the many glass towers.
"Rei Ayanami, First Child... Pilot of the prototype Evangelion, Unit- 00, Am I right?" she asked with a chuckle as she heard the blue haired girl approach.
Rei was surprised that her target had identified her so quickly. She had acquired the skill of moving silently, several years ago, and had yet to be detected unwillingly when she chose to employ it. "You are correct... but who are you?" Rei inquired, moving closer.
The girl made no move to get up, or even turn to face her hunter.
"We are very much alike... I am called Kaoru, Kaoru Nagisa," she said with a smile, as she simply continued staring at Tokyo-03. Rei remained unsettled by the girl's behavior, but was unsure of how to proceed. "You are correct... on the surface we are similar, but-", she started before Kaoru cut her off. "But on the inside we are very much different... won't you sit down and enjoy the view with me?" she asked Rei, turning her head to give her fellow albino a warm smile.
Rei blinked, pondering the best choice of action. She decided that further conversation would allow her to better understand her new nemesis. So she took a seat next to Kaoru, undaunted by the proximity to what would most definitely be a fatal fall, were she to slip.
"What are your intentions, concerning Ikari?" she inquired coldly of the girl. "You're very blunt... just as I had expected," Kaoru retorted, as she let her feet dangle off the edge of the cliff. She lay back down onto the sparse grass, and closed her eyes. "To answer the question, my intentions are the same as yours."
"You are lying, Nagisa," Rei said, conviction in ever word. She frowned at gray haired girl. Kaoru, propped herself up on her elbows and stared. Crimson met Crimson. "Oh? I expected you to be blunt... but not so, honest?" Kaoru laughed," I simply wish to explore the wonders of my humanity with him. Isn't that exactly what you've been doing?"
"You...are...correct, but my actions thus far have been to protect him, whereas yours have the potential to harm him," Rei parried verbally. Kaoru's grin faded. "You seem so very sure. How is it that you know what possible consequences the actions that you and I have taken, or have yet to take, will have?" she asked, irritation burned in her eyes.
Wind rushed past them. It created an odd howling noise as it did so... Rei chose to remain silent for its duration. When it finally died away, she spoke. "I cannot... however I can feel that your actions will not be beneficial. I can feel it, just as I feel the wind that had caressed my face a moment ago," she told her adversary. The comment surprised Kaoru, as she didn't respond immediately. She simply looked Rei up and down, as if she were searching for something. She stopped at the eyes. "I didn't expect you to be so deep either... Ikari's done a good job," she chuckled, her grin having returned.
"I do not understand," Rei stated, confused. "Don't worry, I didn't expect you to," Kaoru simply laughed in response.
----------------------------
The sandy haired Kensuke Aida sighed as he took a seat on top of his desk. He looked around his classroom, that was, save for himself, the class representative and a sprinkling of students, empty. Even their substitute teacher, Mr. Zakunachi was absent at the moment... It had been this way for the last two days.
"It must be getting worse... Shinji hasn't been in for days, and from the look of it he took the rest of the class with him" he wondered aloud, expressing his frustrations.
"Asuka too... and Suzahara's still in the hospital," Hikari's voice sighed. The girl took a seat next to the bespectacled war geek. Kensuke looked up from his own seat, and nodded with a grim smile.
"Not only that, but everyone's started to move away... slowly but surely, they're all fleeing, ever since that last battle. No one wants to live in a war zone," he added, examining his camera lens.
"You seem to," Hikari laughed as she watched, "I'm willing to bet that you're the only one that's enjoying this damn war"
Kensuke frowned at that very truthful comment, as it brought up memories of happier days. At least, compared to the past few weeks they were. "Weird, Touji said the same thing to me during the second attack..."
"I'm sorry..." Hikari apologized, blushing as she remembered their fallen classmate. The two of them had been somehow brought closer by that tragedy. They had even started to take lunch together, finding ways to relate due to the quasi-relationship that their two other friends shared. They had even visited Touji together, something that seemed to surprise the dark-haired boy. "He's been getting worse, hasn't he?" Hikari said quietly, as she remembered their last visit. It had been disconcerting, seeing the once healthy, strong, tanned jock... broken and pale. Worse yet was his missing leg. Her comrade in concerns merely nodded again, as he mirrored her words in his head.
----------------------------
Shinji took his seat at the dinner table that evening with a sigh of resignation. He kept his eyes pointed downwards, staring at the dish of ramen noodles before him. He didn't want to meet Misato's gaze, lest guilt loose his tongue and he spill the fact that he knew what she knew. He didn't want to face Asuka either. He knew he'd feel an obligation to tell her about Kaji and he didn't quite feel up to confronting her about... 'Everything', Shinji thought, frowning as he reluctantly picked up several noodles with his chopsticks and lifted them to his mouth. He swallowed slowly. It seemed to him that everything had become a stand-off with Asuka lately. The slightest action, or any conversation always led to a shouting match. Before, it had been a battle for supremacy within the household, but now it felt different to him. Perhaps it was the feelings he now felt unsure of, or the fact that there seemed to be an odd desperation to Asuka's jabs.
"Pass the pork", Misato requested, her words cutting through the air like a knife. She noticed that Shinji barely looked up from his plate as he did so. She accepted the dish and simply nodded her thanks, choosing not to question the dour mood that everyone seemed to be in. 'It's been so long since we sat down and had a proper dinner together, but tonight it's so awkward... I don't blame them for it'
They continued to eat in silence, tension building and building... Just when she thought that she couldn't take it anymore, when she just wanted to scream... if only to break the damned silence, the phone rang.
It continued to ring, while everyone sat still, surprised at the invasion. Eventually Shinji got up to answer it. "My my, He doesn't just save the world!" Asuka jeered as he picked it up.
Shinji just chose to ignore it at the moment. "Hello?" he said uncertainly, as a foreign language greeted his ears. "Oh, sorry... May I speak Asuka I her mother?" an old woman's voice greeted him in broken Japanese.
"One second, please" he told her, before turning to Asuka, "It's for you, from overseas; I think she said she was your mother?" He held out the receiver.
Asuka, having been ignored by him previously, snatched the receiver from his out stretches arm, baiting him whilst doing so. "Oh, I'm so sorry that I made the Invincible Shinji perform such a menial task!" she taunted. 'The hell is all that about?' Shinji sighed mentally as he went back to his seat, and continued to eat.
"Guten Tag, mutter!" Asuka laughed into the phone, a wide grin on her face. "Danke, sehr gut. Und Ihnen?" she continued in German.
Shinji watched her movements, the way she talked, listening to the strange tongue. She seemed so different to him now, like a different person.
"Du solltest nicht dafur sorgen"
Shinji wondered what the two women were talking about. 'Perhaps, me?' he laughed privately, knowing the impossibility of what he had just thought, 'Yeah... that's as likely as me sleeping with an Angel.' He continued watching, unaware that he was being watched by a mildly amused Misato.
'Should I taunt him about it? No...Let him enjoy the view, you're only young once', Misato mused as she took a sip from can of beer. She had yet to shake the damnable habit. 'Ah, to be young again'
"Auf Wiedresehen!" Asuka said finally, seemingly ending the conversation. She put down the phone, confirming it. She looked up from the phone, and found Shinji staring at her intently. "And just what the hell are you looking at?" she half-shouted. Shinji panicked slightly, realizing that he had no valid excuse. So he decided to escape a forthcoming argument by changing the subject.
"Why are you being like this? You were smiling into the phone just a second ago!" he parried, finding his mistake too late to stop it. He simply awaited the verbal blows that were sure to come.
"You think that I really want to? It's just an act... a routine communiqué, she's not my real mother" she told him hesitantly. Shinji was surprised, he had been expecting a 'None of your business, Idiot' from her, not an explanation. Perhaps he had finally succeeded in cracking her?
"I mean she did raise me... and it's not like I hate her or anything," she continued, oblivious for the moment to the fact that Shinji was hanging on to every word she was saying. "It's just that- Why the hell am I telling you any of this?" she shouted, breaking the temporary atmosphere of peace. Shinji got out of his seat.
"Well, sorry for caring!" Shinji retorted as sarcastically as he could, finding instead that his words felt sincere.
Asuka took the opportunity to belittle him some more, trying to cover up her moment of weakness. "Well, I guess I know I've hit rock bottom, when I start getting sympathy from a loser like you!" she stabbed verbally before pushing him out of the way, and heading for her room. "I'm done," she muttered as she passed out of sight.
On the verge of spontaneous combustion.
Woe-is-me.
But I guess that it comes with the territory;
an ominous landscape of never ending calamity.
I need you to hear, I need you to see that I have had all I can take and exploding seems like a definite possibility to me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.
Not two days ago, I was having a look in a book and I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees. I said, "I can relate," cause' lately I've been thinking of combustication
as a welcomed vacation from the burdens of the planet earth.
Like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...
and thinking so much differently.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.
Incubus (Pardon Me)
"I'm sure that Ritsuko is thinking that I'm an 'indecent woman' right now."
"Those who are hooked on sexual desires seem more human. I think we might just be fooling them a bit.
"Intelligence? Commander Ikari, Ritsuko, or me?
"No, me..."
"Others... I'm right? You aren't interested in others but you feel lonely. You really are like my father..."
"Cigarettes, you still smoke?"
"I smoke only after doing things like these... So only you know about this."
"I feel honored, but is this the only reason we meet? For you to gain things?"
"Yeah, that's one of the reasons. I'm rather honest, don't you think?"
"The honor would be entirely mine, if a lady would make a cat's-paw of me."
"At present, it's important that I let you know my hopes. What is the true goal of NERV and Commander Ikari?"
"Ah but it's I that wants to know that."
"Stop dodging my questions. Aaah! No, don't put things in there! What are you trying to do anyways?"
"Here is a present, for the first time in eight years, I suppose."
"Wha?"
"I'm afraid that it's the last one."
----------------------------
Kaji Ryouji sighed as he turned his computer terminal off. He checked his watch... 'Not much time now' he thought to himself as he leaned against the terminal. He pulled out a small pistol, checked the clip. "How strange... I know the exact amount of bullets in my clip, yet I feel compelled to double check... I always have to make sure, don't I?" he chuckled to himself mentally as he slid the clip back in. He sighed as he waited for what he felt was the inevitable. He had grown too dangerous, had poked about where 'he shouldn't have'. Now it was time for SEELE and NERV to get rid of their little tool, before it had the chance to turn on them.
"Chances are, I'm not going to get out of this alive if I decide to stay..." he wondered out loud. "One has to wonder, what happens if I live? No, I don't think I can be allowed to live... It'd be stupid to keep going... Ah well, I wonder how they'll remember me when I'm gone? Most likely as the ever-present tramp..."he sighed, again. A moment later he chuckled. "I'm getting much too sentimental in my advanced age," he laughed as he continued to wait for his deliverance.
It came soon enough, as a few minutes later he felt something cold and hard press against the back of his head.
"You're rather late" he said smiling as he silently pulled out his gun, hiding the motion by lifting his left arm, showing his assailant the time.
"I know"
Several gunshots later, a body fell to the floor, the sound of the impact coupled with the previous gunshots echoed throughout the corridor ominously. It was over...
----------------------------
The knife fell, slicing the meat that it encountered in half... Thick red fluids flowed like small rivers... It was over...
Shinji hummed softly as he packed the sandwiches away into his and Asuka's lunchboxes. He sighed as he started to think of her. It seemed, to him at least, as if she had been avoiding him over the past few days. He had considered talking to Misato about it but had eventually decided that it was nothing to worry about. Not yet anyways, and to be truthful he was sort of enjoying the peaceful that came as a result of Asuka's absence. 'Why risk destroying that?' he thought as he remembered her harsh words, her scorn, and how it had been so hard for him to deal with. At least for now he wouldn't feel too hurt.
"Come on Third! Hurry up and get moving! Don't want to be late, do you?" Asuka shouted from down the hall before exiting. She had no intentions of waiting for him, because she knew that if she did, she'd be tempted to talk to him... And she didn't want to do that just yet.
'You do know that you will have to talk to him eventually, you said so yourself,' her inner voice scolded her before adding an accusation, 'Not as ready as you think you are now, are you?' Asuka brushed the voice aside mentally as she stepped inside the elevator down the hall from the apartment. She caught a glimpse of Shinji rushing out the door and looking around wildly before the elevator doors closed. She sighed as she pressed the button for the ground floor. She watched as the light indicating the floor, slowly made its way down to the end.
Shinji cursed as he hastily closed and locked the front door. He began looking around for Asuka. After seeing the elevator doors closing he cursed again and headed for the nearest stair case. "Great, First day back to school and what happens? I'm going to be a little late because Asuka decides that it's a good time to be a bitch and not wait for me. Marvelous" he muttered darkly as he flew down the stairs. 'Not only that but it seems that everyone in NERV thinks something's wrong with me, the way they all keep their distance from me...' he thought angrily as he remembered his first day back.
======================
'Shinji gave Misato and Asuka a broad smile as he sat down and watched them try the pancakes he had made. "So what do you think?", he asked, eagerly awaiting their answer. It had been the first time he had attempted making blueberry pancakes, and he wanted to take note of anything wrong for future references.
Misato was the first to try. "Hmmm, it's different... But I like it!" Misato said before inhaling the contents of her plate. Or at least it seemed that way to Shinji. 'Well, considering that she can stomach her own food, Misato may not be the best food critic... Let's see what Asuka thinks' he thought as he turned to her. "Well?" he asked, watching her intently.
Asuka simply sighed, and took a few bites. She chewed slowly and thoughtfully. Shinji waited patiently as she took her sweet time tasting it. "What do you know, I guess Shinji's good for something after all", she laughed. Shinji flinched subtly at the comment. He began to apologize, but changed his mind half way through, finally realizing the stupidity of it. "I'm sorry..." he said softly. Asuka rolled her eyes, and was about to say something when Shinji cut her off. Still using a soft voice he added, "I'm sorry that you feel that this the only thing I can do..." Without looking at Asuka or Misato he sat down and turned his attention to his own breakfast. He took a deep breath, trying to push dark thoughts out. 'Mmmm, not bad,' he thought to himself as he took a few more bites.
Misato was the one that broke the silence. "Ritsuko wants to run some tests with you, be at her office at noon," she said. Shinji nodded, it was reasonable enough. After all, after what had just happened, they were probably wondering if he could still pilot... 'Or if I'll continue piloting...' he thought to himself as he finished off his plate. Besides, it would give him some time to think... 'Maybe it won't be so bad,' he shrugged mentally.
======================
"Ha, stupidest assumption I ever made!", Shinji muttered as he skipped a few stairs.
======================
Ritsuko gave Shinji a somewhat re-assuring smile. As re-assuring as an older woman can be when one isn't wearing much. "Is it really necessary for me to be...er...naked?" he asked twitching slightly covering his nether regions. Ritsuko gave an exasperated sigh. "Yes, it's necessary, I want to see how well you synch with and without a suit on," she explained motioning to the empty plug waiting in the test room next door.
Shinji knew it was pointless to resist, or argue for that matter. "Fine, but could you at least tell the techs to stop giggling? It's a little off- putting," he asked, refusing to move until the female technicians stopped. Ritsuko gave another sigh, "Okay... You heard the man, stop it, especially you Fubuki!" she shouted. After giving a "Yes Ma'am!" the tech in question fell silent. Shinji took the opportunity to rush into the test room, practically diving in to the entry plug.
"Finally", Ritsuko said, "Begin the procedure! Ready?" "Ready as I'll ever be", Shinji sighed, closing his eyes as he waited for the LCL to fill the plug. It did so slowly, its warmth encompassing his body as the plug neared fullness. 'Mother' he whispered mentally as he felt her familiar presence nearby. 'Not real' he thought sadly as the feeling slipped away, hollowness replacing it.
He breathed in deeply, letting the LCL fill his lungs. He grinned as he recalled his first experience with it. He had held his breath as long as he could, resisting the (at the time)foreign liquid. Eventually his lungs had given out and he had been forced to allow the substance to enter his lungs. He shuddered slightly as he remembered that first gulp; the way the LCL had oozed down his throat, slowly dripping into his lungs, the warmth invading his shell. And now it was second nature... no longer alien.
'Adaptation', Shinji thought. Adaptation, it was what made humanity different from other life, what gave it it's greatest strength. 'And combined with hope, should be able to win us this so called Angel War...' he pondered as he waited for Ritsuko's signal to start.
"Let's begin"
======================
"Thirteen hours... For thirteen hours she poked, prodded, probed and practically dissected me... WITH COLD HANDS!" Shinji growled to himself, remembering those grueling thirteen hours of torture. He shuddered violently as memories of the physical came up, unbidden. In doing so, he missed a step. He barely had time to shout before slamming into a wall, fifteen steps down.
He hit the wall feet first, his left leg fracturing on impact. It took everything he had to keep from screaming as pain coursed through his leg. He found it strangely ironic. He had suffered injuries far worse than a broken leg while piloting, yet because it was actually happening to him it seemed worse. "Marvelous," he spat, rather sarcastically, through grit teeth. Taking rapid, shallow breaths he tried to block the pain mentally.
"Happy thoughts... Painless thoughts... Tranquil thoughts..." Shinji repeated as he lay crumpled on the floor.
'But what brings me happiness, without also causing me pain?" he wondered, trying to sit up as best as he could. His first thought had been of Asuka, and of her once in a blue moon genuine smile... but the bitter realization that it wasn't because of or for him, caused him to stop.
"Even now she causes me pain", he mused, suddenly remembering his current predicament. "I'm going to be so late", he chuckled, as he leaned against the wall, wondering what he was going to do.
----------------------------
"Where is that idiot?" Asuka muttered as she entered the classroom, just as the bell rang. She had been forced (due to a number of things) to stop several times along the way to school. "Shinji should have caught up with me at the second light...,'she pondered out loud, worry creeping into her mind. 'Why am I worrying about him?' she asked herself. Instead of an answer she received Hikari. "Worried about Ikari, are you?" she asked, sidling up next to Asuka. This immediately set off Asuka's built in countermeasures, allowing them to kick in just in time for her to save face.
"No, I'm just wondering why the stooge is so damn late, he has my lunch, and I forgot to bring my wallet along today," she half-lied. "Oh really? Then why did you blush when I asked?" Hikari asked slyly with an eyebrow raised. 'Oh she's good... fluch!' Asuka swore mentally, whilst simultaneously trying to come up with a plausible explanation. She couldn't find one, and her pride wouldn't let her admit that she was feeling anything (except utter contempt) towards Shinji. 'When in doubt, or close to defeat, use horribly confusing and complicated answers,' Asuka thought smugly. Hikari cut her off before she could begin. "And don't try to use the 'confuse em with a complex answer' approach, you know I'm not stupid," Hikari added.
Asuka was getting desperate. 'She's right... she knows me too well, I can't use my best stuff... but I can't tell her either, not outright anyways', she sighed mentally. "We'll talk later, class is starting" Asuka finally replied, opting to cop out.
----------------------------
Shinji gasped as he felt something warm trickle down his injured leg. He pulled the pant leg back carefully, groaned as he saw the blood. "What the..." he began to speak as the blood began to form bubbles. A moment later his leg began to liquefy. "This isn't happening! This isn't happening! This isn't happening!" he repeated, closing his eyes as numbness took him. When he looked again, his leg was solid once more; there was no sign of the blood anywhere. Slowly and carefully, Shinji got up. He felt no pain in the injured leg. It seemed...fine?
"I'm going insane... That's it, that's the only explanation. I've officially lost it," he laughed, taking a few wary steps. Feeling no discomfort of any sort he picked up his bag and walked down the remaining steps, making a mental note to talk to Asuka when he had the time. 'Speaking of which... I'M AN HOUR LATE!' he screamed mentally, as he checked his watch.
"An hour, an hour! I swear I'll kill that girl!", he told himself out loud as he exited.
"That's a very strange way of saying you're displeased with someone, don't you think?" a cheerful voice asked him. "Huh?", he asked turning in mid stride. "Re" he stopped in mid-sentence as he realized that it couldn't be Rei. The girl before him shared the same red eyes, albeit a little darker, and she too was very pale. But that's where the similarities ended. For one thing, she was too emotional to be Rei. Her hair was longer and (even) unrulier than Rei's. Not only that but it was gray...
Shinji stared at her for a few moments. 'Interesting color for someone this young... I wonder if it's natural?' he wondered. She wore a school uniform, was she a new student? Fear gripped him. 'A new pilot? No, we don't have a spare unit, and all of us are fine... Why are you here?' he asked himself.
"After all, I don't think you'd hurt anyone... not intentionally" the gray haired girl said before giving Shinji a smile and walking off. He followed her with his gaze for a few more moments, constantly studying the way she moved, putting it away for future usage. He shook his head before breaking into a run. He'd wonder about this new girl later, right now he had to get going, he was already horribly late as it was...he really didn't have the time to walk. 'Please, let Mr. Zakunachi understand, please don't let him be as bad as Asuka makes him out to be' he thought as he began running faster.
----------------------------
"Ikari, Shinji?" Mr. Zakunachi called as he took the attendance... "MR.IKARI?" he repeated before asking, "Does anyone know where Ikari is?" When no response came, he marked Shinji absent.
Asuka sighed as she watched. 'What's he gone and done now? He's never this late, and he doesn't have the balls to skip classes,' she thought, finding herself growing worried, much to her dismay. It wasn't as if she didn't have reason to be worried... NERV's security... The seemingly omnipresent Section 2 had lost Shinji before, it could happen again. 'How long did he manage to get away from them for? Three days was it?' she asked herself, trying to recall details of the incident. After only a few moments of sifting through her mind she brought them up.
After getting the chewing out of a life-time by Misato for disobeying a direct order to retreat, Shinji (according to the official report) had experienced emotional distress and had become increasingly isolated, locking himself in his room. Only two days after he had started doing so did Misato finally discover that he had fled from her apartment. Shinji in the meantime had spent four days wandering about Tokyo-03 before heading off into the mountains, where Section 2 finally caught him.
"I'm- I'm sorry I'm late sir!" A familiar voice shouted as the door burst open and someone stumbled in. "Mr. Ikari, I assume?" Mr. Zakunachi asked calmly as Shinji caught his breath. "Yes sir" Shinji nodded, opening his mouth to apologize again. "You are only a few minutes late Ikari, no need for so many apologies... However, be sure that it does not happen again... You may be seated", he said softly. Shinji nodded gratefully again before heading off to his seat.
Asuka watched him as he took his seat, a few desks in front of her. A mixture of relief and anger flushed through her as she examined him with her eyes. 'He doesn't seem to be hurt... Bastard! Making me worry like that! Soon as he boots up I'm giving him a piece of my mind,' she fumed silently as she started her own laptop up.
'Only a few minutes late?' Shinji pondered, confused as hell as he checked the classroom clock. 'I'm losing it... Slowly but surely...I'm losing it...' he sighed, as he marveled at his good fortune. With a more audible sigh he pulled his laptop out.
Within seconds of it becoming operational, a messenger screen popped up.
UberPilot says: You and I need to have a little chat, Third...
Shinji scratched his head, discreetly taking a look in Asuka's direction. 'She looks angry...Not good...'Shinji groaned,' Be strong, go on the offensive...Don't hold back'
=Ikarus= says: I agree, we've needed to talk for a while now
Asuka frowned slightly. She hadn't been expecting this, but then again, what had she been expecting?
UberPilot says: Good! How about we kick it off with, why the hell you're late?
=Ikarus= says: Hmm...
UberPilot says: Well?
=Ikarus= says: Well, I really don't think you'd believe me if I told you
UberPilot says: Oh no... No copouts for you Shinboy! I don't care how outrageous it sounds. You're going to tell me!
=Ikarus= says: sigh when did you start caring?
UberPilot says: You're copping out again, and when did you grow a pair?
=Ikarus= says: So are you, and I've always had them, I just happen to hide em smirks
UberPilot says: Right, so are you going to tell me or what?
Shinji rolled his eyes and began typing up a response, but was cut off by another message screen popping up. He smiled when he realized who it was.
=/X0r says: Come on man1 talk to me!
=Ikarus= says: Calm down! I can hear you muttering and I'm eight desks away!
=/X0r says: Sorry bout that
=Ikarus= says: Not a problem, I've missed you!
=/X0r says: Same here... It hasn't been the same without you
=Ikarus= says: Let me guess, you want to know where I've been for the last month or so?
=/X0r says: (: Well... yeah... When the hell did I get that predictable?
=Ikarus= says: Sorry to burst your bubble ken, but you've always been predictable!
=/X0r says: Ha, now I know you're bsing me... Anyways, good to have you back from?
=Ikarus= says: You never stop, do you?
=/X0r says: Wouldn't be me if I did, would I? :p So?
Shinji chuckled as he typed a somewhat elaborate story, one that was passable, yet one that Kensuke would eat up. He waited a few seconds for Kensuke to respond.
=/X0r says: Top secret training! MAN! I wish I was a pilot...
=Ikarus= says: sigh So what did I miss?
Asuka grew angrier and angrier as seconds turned to minutes and still no response came from Shinji. She watched as his fingers danced across his keyboard, pausing for only a few seconds every now and again. Finally Asuka couldn't take it anymore and felt that a bit of reminding was in order.
UberPilot says: ANSWER!
=Ikarus= says: After you (and I thank you soooooo much for it) left without waiting for me, I had to run for it and take the stairs... In doing so, I tripped, flew down a good 15 or so stairs and shattered one of my legs... Which shortly turned into tang and solidified half an hour later, after which I ran all the way here... Happy?
Asuka blinked as she re-read the message. She stifled a laugh as she read it again. 'Well, I suppose I did say that I didn't care how outrageous it sounded... but this is ridiculous!' she thought... 'He's changed quite a bit...' a little voice inside her head tingled. Asuka agreed as she began formulating a response. 'Let's see how big they've gotten'
UberPilot says: You're bullshitting me... I want the truth
=Ikarus= says: Hypocrite... All right! I'm lying to you, I'm late because I stopped to ogle some women and then went off to touch myself... Satisfied?
UberPilot says: I knew it! You are such a filthy pervert!
=Ikarus= says: And you are such a bitch!
UberPilot says: ... What did you just call me?
=Ikarus= says: It's always about you, isn't it? YOU YOU YOU! No one else ever matters! You don't even care about everyone you tease, or hurt...
UberPilot says: .......
=Ikarus= says: Do you know what? Just forget it... Forget I ever said anything... Forget like you always do...
UberPilot says: Fuck You! I will not forget it! TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN!
-Message could not be sent because "=Ikarus=" appears to be offline-
'The nerve of that bastard! I don't need anyone! I don't need him! They're all below me... They should be grateful, filthy ingrates, that I'm risking my neck to save them!' Asuka's ego started screeching, threatening to explode.
Meanwhile, at his desk, Shinji sat in cold contemplation, pondering over his words.
'I shouldn't have been so harsh'
'Nonsense! You were telling her the truth, one that she would have to face sooner or later anyways'
'I should apologize'
'Gah! There you go again... She's right! You're pathetic!
'What?'
'You're always apologizing!'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Everything! For one thing, you seem awfully insincere!'
'It's just another way of keeping everyone happy...'
'But that's impossible, there's now way in hell that you can appease everyone!'
'I can try, can't I?'
'True... still'
'Still what?'
'You really should stop doing this.'
'Stop doing what?'
'Stop doing a lot of things! Stop putting other's happiness first at the expense of your life... Stop degrading yourself for others, stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong, stop apologizing for things you didn't do, and stop having long drawn out conversations with yourself... Just to name a few'
Shinji sighed as he broke off from his inner dialogue. 'I'm not going to apologize... not yet anyways' he decided as he turned his attentions towards the teacher, trying to push Asuka out of his mind. Or at least he tried... "Bronte... Milton... Oh how I loathe thee," Shinji mumbled as he lay his head on his desk and trying to drift off into blissful unconsciousness.
In the meantime, Asuka had calmed down enough to start an internal dialogue herself.
'Why did he call me that? I thought he loved me! Has that changed?'
'Maybe he's finally gotten tired of having to bow down all the time'
'What's THAT supposed to mean?'
'Don't play stupid with me, you know what I mean. You force Shinji down, time and time again... just so you can feel better about yourself!'
'And why shouldn't I? I'm a pilot! Savior of Humanity, Slayer of the Angels! I'm better than them, I deserve better than that coward... He didn't even want to pilot, and look at him! He's stealing my victories! It's not fair!'
'Ego... Shut up and let the girl speak for herself!'
'What?'
'You're not the one that's talking... Only an aspect of you is, in this case, your ego... which happens to be the one usually in control'
'Riiight... So you are?'
'Your common sense, and to some degree, your intuition'
'So tell me this... Is it normal for a person to be talking to themselves like this?'
'What do you think?'
'My guess is, Yes'
'..........'
'Well, aren't you going to give me an answer?'
'No, I'm only your common sense, not your intelligence... Besides, you're the college grad. You tell me'
'Yes then'
'If you say so'
'For common sense, you seem rather useless'
'Says the worthless one'
'What?'
'You are a college graduate, yet you know very little, you're a pilot, yet you fail to realize that you will be utterly useless once the last Angel comes and goes (chances are, with your current losing streak, that you'll be dead before Seventeen rolls around, anyways... You've got a chance to have a fulfilling relationship with a guy that seems to genuinely care about you, yet you choose to treat him like shit because you'd much rather lust after a man twice your age whom could easily pass off as your father... In short, you're a little girl pretending to be all grown-up without bothering to think of the consequences of her actions, or of anything for that matter'
'Shut up... SHUT UP!'
'What's wrong? Can't take the truth?'
'Fuck you! Go away! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!'
'I'm you, remember? I can't go away'
Asuka tried to shut out the voice, but it refused to be silenced. Relentlessly it pressed its assault, seemingly determined to shatter the girl's protective misconceptions of those around her.
'Shut up! LEAVE ME ALONE!' she screamed in her mind, a futile gesture. It still repeated, the voice reaching a frenzy pitch... And then all went silent...
Ironically the silence was worse than the ever screeching, ever accusing voice...
Asuka realized that her breathing was shallow and ragged... 'I will not break... I will not cry... I will not give in...' she repeated in her mind as she willed her armor back into place. A quick glance to either side quickly alleviated her fears of someone discovering her moment of weakness. Asuka took a deep breath, and closing her eyes, leaned back in her chair.
----------------------------
A pair of eyes observed the two from their hiding place at the side of the room. 'Strange...' Rei thought as she watched. 'Sohryu seems troubled by something... Ikari is acting in a similar fashion. Is this a result of their quarrel, or perhaps it is the result of something else?' the pale girl wondered, keeping her face passive as always.
Ever since the Second's arrival, she had taken it upon herself to observe her fellow pilot's interactions. At first she told herself that it would increase efficiency in battle and would teach her more about the human psyche. But soon found that she was driven more by curiosity more than any other reason she could think of. Not to say that she wasn't justified in some regard. The quasi-relationship between the Second and Third Children was a fascinating one, especially to one who had never witnessed such a thing.
'Ikari clearly has a romantic interest in Sohryu... Yet he does not express them... Instead he seems content to watch from a distance, only daring to come close occasionally... Sohryu also seems uncertain about her feelings concerning Ikari; such is the state that they are in... Something has changed... It is no longer unstable...' Rei noted, watching her subject's reflections in the window beside her desk. Most people assumed that she was just looking out the window, unaware that she was watching their every move... watching and waiting...
'Most curious...'
----------------------------
"... I've also been growing... flowers. I'd appreciate it if you took care of them for me... Shinji knows where they are... Don't hesitate, move on! If I ever see you again, I'll say the words I could not, eight years ago... The truth is with you; take care of yourself, Katsuragi..."
Click......... whhhhhrrrrrr.........click
"Katsuragi, it's me...I'm sure you're listening to this message..."
"Idiot......"
----------------------------
Brrrrriiiiinnnng!
Shinji let out a rather audible sigh of relief as the bell signaling the beginning of the lunch break rang.
It got caught in his throat as the potential consequences of his rash words concerning Asuka and the fact that he held her lunch in his hand caught up with him. 'Damn it... Not good... not good!' he sighed silently as he got up slowly from his seat, bento in hand. He walked like a man facing certain death. He kept a hand in his pocket, ready to move it to a blocking position should Asuka become... angry. He had felt the force of her blows a long time ago, he quickly recalled how badly bruised his face had been afterwards. He had no wish for his boys to end up the same way.
"Here goes nothing", he muttered as he approached.
Asuka saw Shinji coming, and for a split second, wondered why. 'Has he come to apologize? To confess his feelings? Or... is he...just bringing me my lunch' She prepared an insult... or rather tried to. For the first time, she couldn't think of anything particularly insulting or demeaning to say to him.
"What are you, stupid? Gimme that you idiotic pervert!" she blurted as he opened his mouth to say something, quickly snatching the bento from his hand. She proceeded to stomp off in a suitably melodramatic fashion, Hikari in tow.
Shinji exhaled. Asuka was still a little off balance after his little outburst. The haphazardly constructed insult was all the proof he needed of that. 'Not quite at the top of your game are you?' he smirked inwardly for a moment before remarking, "Where did that come from?"
----------------------------
'She keeps lashing out at you, making you hurt... Yet you simply take it and take it... Why? I must discover what lies within your heart... But first we must get rid of the Second... Ah! I see that you've noticed me. Come! Let's begin our little game...'
----------------------------
'Mutter ficken gotterdammerung schiesse!' issued a long string of rather potent curse words from Asuka as she sat down to eat. 'Smug bastard, look at him... sitting there on the roof... talking... with... Rei?' Asuka muttered as she observed Shinji from afar.
He seemed deep in conversation with a girl whom Asuka had at first mistaken for Rei. 'What the hell is going on?' she wondered.
----------------------------
"Hello again! Still feeling murderous, by any chance?" the mystery girl laughed as she watched Shinji ascend to her perch. "You again!" Shinji called out as he hoisted himself up. "Who... who are you?" he asked, catching his breath.
"Where's the fun in telling you just yet?" she taunted, "Let's just say that I'm like yet unlike you in more ways than one." She gave him a broad grin, staring at him with her crimson eyes. "What do you mean? I don't understand!" Shinji exclaimed, growing more curious by the second. This girl was different, clearly; otherwise he wouldn't be pursuing her so actively. He felt a compulsion to find out why.
"Well of course you don't understand, silly!" she laughed before beginning to muse. "If you did, perhaps you wouldn't be as eager... or maybe you'd become even more interested?" she giggled, getting up. Shinji pondered her words as she began to dance around him, humming softly. 'Just who... or maybe better question would be... What are you?' Shinji wondered as the gray haired girl continued dancing, the humming having been replaced by her extrapolating on her numerous views on truth and reality.
"... Look how fragile it is for you Lillims!" she ended abruptly as if greatly disturbed by something. "I should go..." she said seriously, a grave look upon her face. It unsettled Shinji greatly. She seemed to notice it, and decided to give Shinji a rather unexpected surprise...
"Don't worry... I'll be seeing you again... Count on it" she smiled as she pulled away and faded from Shinji's view.
----------------------------
'An unknown variable... This is...unexpected. I do not know how to proceed, Should I inform the Commander, intervene at my own discretion, or simply observe?
Strange... There is a feeling about this one. Familiarity? Is she the same as I, of the same origin? No... She is different. Different yet not different. Most distressing... I must protect Ikari, I must wait to inform the Commander...
I believe I shall observe for now'
----------------------------
Shinji stood in a state of total shock... He was frozen in place, unable to comprehend what had just happened. His brain simply could not compute...
'Mysterious gray haired girl, that looks like Rei random babbling on both of our parts ki... ERROR, SYSTEM ERROR, CANNOT COMPUTE, SYNTAX ERROR! SYSTEM MELTDOWN IMMINENT! DANGER SHINJI IKARI DANGER!'
He was snapped out of his haze by a hard smack on his back, followed shortly by a loud and vigorous "MAN! Nice work!" from the perpetrator of the prior smacking. "Wha... What just happened?" Shinji asked, still slightly dazed by recent events. "Oh ho ho! You're a sly dog, Shinji..." his bespectacled friend Kensuke laughed before commencing a bombardment of questions. "So what's her name? How long have you been doing it? How long have you known her? She any good? Does she spit or swallow?" and so on and so on.
Shinji tried his best to answer, or rather clarify but had a very bad feeling that he wasn't getting through. "I don't know, we're not doing anything!(I think), I just met her... KENSUKE! Could you please stop asking me stuff like that!?"
----------------------------
"Asuka! Where are we going?" Hikari inquired as she was jostled along by a German that seemed very anxious about something. "To find that weibchen" Asuka snapped. "What? Asuka! What are you talking about?" Hikari barely had time to ask before Asuka grabbed her and started running. "That girl! You saw her! The one kissing Shinji!" Asuka exclaimed, stopping for a moment to look about frantically. The girl she had seen a few minutes ago was nowhere to be found. It was during this brief pause that Hikari said in a sing song voice, "And why are we looking for her? ... Are you jealous?"
Asuka suddenly turned very red... and shortly afterwards, very loud. "Hell no! I just want to make sure that any girl stupid enough to try and pursue a relationship with that perverted fool knows what she's getting into!" she shouted at the hapless brunette, forcing her lie across. Truthfully, she was feeling slightly envious... 'Bitch, trying to take my Shinji! I'll show you...' Asuka fumed inwardly, still searching for the bitch in question.
'So he's your Shinji now? I don't recall you thinking that way before' her inner voice interjected. 'Oh shut up! If I won't have him, no one else will!' 'Are you certain that it's not, can't?' 'Just what are you implying?' 'That you are incapable of reciprocating his feelings and as a result, wish for him to be alone, until you are capable of doing so.' 'As if!'
'All right, prove it then... Ask him out to a date'
'Wha!?'
'What do you have to lose, if you're so capable?'
"Asuka? Could you please let go already! It's starting to go numb!" Hikari shouted, breaking her concentration. "What? Oh! Sorry..."Asuka apologized, releasing Hikari from her iron grip, "Did you see where she went?"
Hikari shook her head, and then sighed. It was at that moment that Asuka felt it might be best if she gave up the chase for the day. People had started to stare at her; for all the wrong reasons. "What the hell are all of you looking at?" she shouted at them. They went back to whatever it was that they were doing. 'Damn it... I'll find you... And when I do...', Asuka thought, before heading out to lunch with Hikari.
Part 2 – Crack
Empty spaces - what are we waiting for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for
Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah...oh... oh... oh...
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends!
The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the show
On with the show
The show must go on
Queen (Show Must Go On)
Shinji took a deep breath to both calm and prepare himself for the verbal whipping he would surely endure upon entering his home. Thankfully he had been on clean up duty, and therefore had been spared a lot of the initial heat from his little 'Bitch' comment. Seeing as Asuka had gotten home earlier, she would have had more time to cool down. At least, that was the logical way of looking at it.
'Then again, since when has she ever acted logically?', Shinji sighed mentally... 'Please...please be at Hikari's tonight...' he prayed fervently, 'Yeah right... and miracles happen how often?'
He took another deep breath, opened the door, and stepped inside. "I'm home!" he called out; half out of habit, half out of courtesy. 'It is better to let whatever shall come, come...' he thought, 'better if she bitches at me now... at least I'll have gotten it over with', he told himself as he slipped out of his sneakers and continued into the den.
The apartment was surprisingly silent. Shinji didn't like it. It wasn't the peaceful quiet he longed for. Rather, it was a tense silence, like that of the eerie calm that always seemed to come before the onset of a mighty storm. Something felt as if it had to give. Shinji tried hard to figure out what was causing the feeling. 'Asuka?' he guessed as he set off for his room. 'No, this feels different...'
Suddenly that intangible string holding the silence together snapped. Faint sobbing, seemingly magnified by the previous lack of sound, assaulted his ears. Shinji quickly determined the origin. 'The kitchen... Misato!' he thought as he rushed to its entrance. His thoughts were immediately confirmed as he reached it. The purple haired woman was leaning over the kitchen table, cradling something in her arms.
He wanted to ask her what was wrong, but found that he could not move past the kitchen's doorframe, or make a sound. It was as if his power cord had been cut and the battery had just run dry. His mind raced frantically. 'What's wrong? What happened? What do I do?... Asuka!' he said, reaching a conclusion. He couldn't do it alone, so... he'd get Asuka's aid. He quietly sneaked off to get his ill tempered roommate.
"Asuka?" he asked, barely audible, as he knocked softly on her door. He ignored the badly written "Go away" sign, and continued to knock when no answer came. "Asuka, something's wrong with Misato... I d-"
"Piss off Shinji! I really don't feel like talking to you right now, why don't you go find your new doll and play with her?" she shouted at him through the door, "Just leave me the hell alone!"
"Fine..." Shinji muttered, walking away. He paused for a moment as he passed the kitchen. Misato was still crying. Even as he closed the door to his sanctum, he could still hear her howls of despair. The terrible feeling that he was useless, alongside guilt and shame coursed through him as he tried to shut out that horrible sound.
He snatched up his SDAT from its resting place on his bed, and hastily put in the headphones. He could still hear it... He turned up the volume, but he still heard that terrible noise. He buried his head under his pillow... but the noise was relentless. His last thoughts before he forced himself into unconsciousness were, Damn it... I'm just a kid, I wish that I could help her, but I'm just a child...'
----------------------------
Asuka fumed quietly in the comfort of her own room. Choosing to isolate herself instead of taking out her frustrations on the source. She hadn't taken Shinji's attempt at piercing this solitude very well and was now swearing viciously in her head as not to attract Misato's attention. 'Nerve of that verdammnt bastard, coming to try and talk to me after what he pulled today...'she muttered mentally as she laid back onto her bed.
As she stared at her vast empty ceiling, she found that her ire burned a little less hot. 'Just what was it that he was saying anyways?' she wondered for a while before dismissing it. 'Probably came to apologize for what he did', she told herself. The thought cheered her up for some reason. That was before reality and the increasingly intrusive voice in her head kicked in.
'Yeah... riiiight'
'... You again, don't you have anything better to do?'
'No, not really'
'Let me guess, you're here to tell me that I should accept the fact that his feelings about me have most likely changed?'
'Smart guess, but incorrect!'
'So... random bout of introspection, most likely brought about by some sort of trauma?'
'Getting warmer'
'He's not going to apologize'
'Not yet, anyways'
'Why do you suggest that? The whole 'Look at me, I've got a spine and I'm going to use it!' act?'
'My, aren't we observant today'
'Spare me the sarcasm and get to the point... Assuming that there even is one'
'Should there be?'
'Well... yeah!... There's no point in this, is there?'
'Aside from my little visits being a wonderful indication of your rapidly deteriorating sanity... not really'
Asuka sighed as the voice broke off. 'I've really got to stop doing that... Now if only I had been paying attention to Shinji...'
----------------------------
Shinji woke up feeling horrible. He couldn't shake off the guilt that had been hounding him. "Three days... It's been three days," he whispered as he remembered Misato's cries... and how they just wouldn't stop. He had guessed soon afterwards that it had something to do with Kaji. Shinji's first instinct was that the older man had been hurt somewhere. After the second day his fears became more and more concrete, as Misato continued crying. Eventually he figured it out.
"He's dead..." Shinji whispered to himself, a tear making its way down his cheek. Logically it was the only reason... the only reason that Misato would be sobbing. As Shinji had been living with her for almost a year, and had only witnessed her crying once. It had been after his escape from the 12th Angel...
Suddenly he thought of Asuka. "Asuka, she can't know about this... She mustn't..." he decided after further contemplating the revelation. Asuka already seemed on edge, news of his death would only serve to push her over it. Between her last defeat, upcoming synch tests, and what he could only guess was that time of the month, she was a time bomb waiting to go off.
The bomb in question was waking up. Just like Shinji, she felt terrible. Her period had started the day before, and the cramps were only getting worse. She hadn't spoken to Shinji since the night of the kissing incident, and worst of all to her, she realized that she hadn't seen Kaji in weeks. Which meant of course, that it was the first thing on her mind when she came into consciousness.
'Where is he? I haven't seen him since... that night,' she thought, unwillingly digging up her most recent memory of the man of her dreams. It had been before Shinji's return.
The plan that night had been to go to Hikari's. That's what she had told Misato a few days prior. But with the hospitalization of Hikari's older sister, that had been called off. Of course, Asuka had neglected to mention it to Misato. When she got home that night, she had noticed an extra pair of shoes at the door... men's shoes. She had stupidly assumed that it was the eve of Shinji's return, because of them. She heard faint noises coming from down the hall, and decided to stay quiet, hoping to sneak up on Shinji. As she drew closer to the living room the noises became more pronounced. People whispering...
Asuka had inched closer... She heard Kaji's voice and struggled to keep from running into the room. She failed and burst in... The cry of joy had died in her throat, as a horrible sight greeted her eyes.
'Kaji was... and Misato was... They had been... They are... having sex...' she thought with a mixture of despair and disgust. She had lost her battle to win the man over before she even had a chance. She had refused to admit it until the fact was shoved into her face. She had managed to suppress the memory, the reality of it... However, it didn't last, just as her attempt to suppress the reality that was her piloting record hadn't lasted. She had failed to gain the affections of Kaji, and she had failed to defeat the last three Angels. Always defeated, always outshined by either Shinji or Misato... The strange thing was that defeat at Misato's hands was preferable to Shinji...
"That bastard doesn't need me or wonder-girl... He's found himself someone else... The journals were a lie," she rasped bitterly, as she found a concrete target for her hormone fueled rage.
----------------------------
Misato sat alone at the breakfast table, trying hard to drink her beer. For the first time in a long time, it felt wrong... the taste, once sweet, had become bitter. She was incapable of drowning her sorrows with it anymore. It simply could not keep her under long enough to forget.
"Kaji," she wondered aloud, almost as if she were speaking to a ghost, "What were you looking for... what was so important that you were willing to die for it?"
She took another sip, tossed the can aside. 'Funny, it reminds me of my very first beer... it also tasted like shit, and I ended up throwing it away, half full,' she laughed mentally as she sank back into her chair. It was going to be a long day.
----------------------------
"I might as well get out of bed... It's a school day, but... then again, I don't want to," Shinji muttered, as he sat up in his bed. The covers lay about him like layers of discarded skin, as he contemplated what he was going to do with his day.
On the one hand, he could return to school as he had been absent for the past... "Three days," he whispered, as the knowledge of the wasted days suddenly materialized within his mind. The Katsuragi had fallen into an apathetic despair after that first night.
He hadn't seen or spoke to Asuka since then... It scared and, at the same time, confused him. He was afraid. Afraid because he felt that Asuka might've done something stupid to herself. 'Does she know then? That Kaji is dead?' he wondered, 'Or maybe this is all because of that girl? The kiss?' That was the part where the confusion kicked in.
As far as he knew, Asuka did not harbor any romantic feelings for him. "So why was she screaming at me like that? I mean, she's can't be jealous... can she?" he muttered to himself, visions of Asuka and the gray- haired girl, dancing in his head.
----------------------------
High up in the mountainside, on a cliff edge sat the girl in Shinji's head. She stared down at the city below her. 'Amazing, how fragile they are... And yet they've managed to create something that has managed to stay standing, even after the countless attacks... truly remarkable', she mused as she admired the many glass towers.
"Rei Ayanami, First Child... Pilot of the prototype Evangelion, Unit- 00, Am I right?" she asked with a chuckle as she heard the blue haired girl approach.
Rei was surprised that her target had identified her so quickly. She had acquired the skill of moving silently, several years ago, and had yet to be detected unwillingly when she chose to employ it. "You are correct... but who are you?" Rei inquired, moving closer.
The girl made no move to get up, or even turn to face her hunter.
"We are very much alike... I am called Kaoru, Kaoru Nagisa," she said with a smile, as she simply continued staring at Tokyo-03. Rei remained unsettled by the girl's behavior, but was unsure of how to proceed. "You are correct... on the surface we are similar, but-", she started before Kaoru cut her off. "But on the inside we are very much different... won't you sit down and enjoy the view with me?" she asked Rei, turning her head to give her fellow albino a warm smile.
Rei blinked, pondering the best choice of action. She decided that further conversation would allow her to better understand her new nemesis. So she took a seat next to Kaoru, undaunted by the proximity to what would most definitely be a fatal fall, were she to slip.
"What are your intentions, concerning Ikari?" she inquired coldly of the girl. "You're very blunt... just as I had expected," Kaoru retorted, as she let her feet dangle off the edge of the cliff. She lay back down onto the sparse grass, and closed her eyes. "To answer the question, my intentions are the same as yours."
"You are lying, Nagisa," Rei said, conviction in ever word. She frowned at gray haired girl. Kaoru, propped herself up on her elbows and stared. Crimson met Crimson. "Oh? I expected you to be blunt... but not so, honest?" Kaoru laughed," I simply wish to explore the wonders of my humanity with him. Isn't that exactly what you've been doing?"
"You...are...correct, but my actions thus far have been to protect him, whereas yours have the potential to harm him," Rei parried verbally. Kaoru's grin faded. "You seem so very sure. How is it that you know what possible consequences the actions that you and I have taken, or have yet to take, will have?" she asked, irritation burned in her eyes.
Wind rushed past them. It created an odd howling noise as it did so... Rei chose to remain silent for its duration. When it finally died away, she spoke. "I cannot... however I can feel that your actions will not be beneficial. I can feel it, just as I feel the wind that had caressed my face a moment ago," she told her adversary. The comment surprised Kaoru, as she didn't respond immediately. She simply looked Rei up and down, as if she were searching for something. She stopped at the eyes. "I didn't expect you to be so deep either... Ikari's done a good job," she chuckled, her grin having returned.
"I do not understand," Rei stated, confused. "Don't worry, I didn't expect you to," Kaoru simply laughed in response.
----------------------------
The sandy haired Kensuke Aida sighed as he took a seat on top of his desk. He looked around his classroom, that was, save for himself, the class representative and a sprinkling of students, empty. Even their substitute teacher, Mr. Zakunachi was absent at the moment... It had been this way for the last two days.
"It must be getting worse... Shinji hasn't been in for days, and from the look of it he took the rest of the class with him" he wondered aloud, expressing his frustrations.
"Asuka too... and Suzahara's still in the hospital," Hikari's voice sighed. The girl took a seat next to the bespectacled war geek. Kensuke looked up from his own seat, and nodded with a grim smile.
"Not only that, but everyone's started to move away... slowly but surely, they're all fleeing, ever since that last battle. No one wants to live in a war zone," he added, examining his camera lens.
"You seem to," Hikari laughed as she watched, "I'm willing to bet that you're the only one that's enjoying this damn war"
Kensuke frowned at that very truthful comment, as it brought up memories of happier days. At least, compared to the past few weeks they were. "Weird, Touji said the same thing to me during the second attack..."
"I'm sorry..." Hikari apologized, blushing as she remembered their fallen classmate. The two of them had been somehow brought closer by that tragedy. They had even started to take lunch together, finding ways to relate due to the quasi-relationship that their two other friends shared. They had even visited Touji together, something that seemed to surprise the dark-haired boy. "He's been getting worse, hasn't he?" Hikari said quietly, as she remembered their last visit. It had been disconcerting, seeing the once healthy, strong, tanned jock... broken and pale. Worse yet was his missing leg. Her comrade in concerns merely nodded again, as he mirrored her words in his head.
----------------------------
Shinji took his seat at the dinner table that evening with a sigh of resignation. He kept his eyes pointed downwards, staring at the dish of ramen noodles before him. He didn't want to meet Misato's gaze, lest guilt loose his tongue and he spill the fact that he knew what she knew. He didn't want to face Asuka either. He knew he'd feel an obligation to tell her about Kaji and he didn't quite feel up to confronting her about... 'Everything', Shinji thought, frowning as he reluctantly picked up several noodles with his chopsticks and lifted them to his mouth. He swallowed slowly. It seemed to him that everything had become a stand-off with Asuka lately. The slightest action, or any conversation always led to a shouting match. Before, it had been a battle for supremacy within the household, but now it felt different to him. Perhaps it was the feelings he now felt unsure of, or the fact that there seemed to be an odd desperation to Asuka's jabs.
"Pass the pork", Misato requested, her words cutting through the air like a knife. She noticed that Shinji barely looked up from his plate as he did so. She accepted the dish and simply nodded her thanks, choosing not to question the dour mood that everyone seemed to be in. 'It's been so long since we sat down and had a proper dinner together, but tonight it's so awkward... I don't blame them for it'
They continued to eat in silence, tension building and building... Just when she thought that she couldn't take it anymore, when she just wanted to scream... if only to break the damned silence, the phone rang.
It continued to ring, while everyone sat still, surprised at the invasion. Eventually Shinji got up to answer it. "My my, He doesn't just save the world!" Asuka jeered as he picked it up.
Shinji just chose to ignore it at the moment. "Hello?" he said uncertainly, as a foreign language greeted his ears. "Oh, sorry... May I speak Asuka I her mother?" an old woman's voice greeted him in broken Japanese.
"One second, please" he told her, before turning to Asuka, "It's for you, from overseas; I think she said she was your mother?" He held out the receiver.
Asuka, having been ignored by him previously, snatched the receiver from his out stretches arm, baiting him whilst doing so. "Oh, I'm so sorry that I made the Invincible Shinji perform such a menial task!" she taunted. 'The hell is all that about?' Shinji sighed mentally as he went back to his seat, and continued to eat.
"Guten Tag, mutter!" Asuka laughed into the phone, a wide grin on her face. "Danke, sehr gut. Und Ihnen?" she continued in German.
Shinji watched her movements, the way she talked, listening to the strange tongue. She seemed so different to him now, like a different person.
"Du solltest nicht dafur sorgen"
Shinji wondered what the two women were talking about. 'Perhaps, me?' he laughed privately, knowing the impossibility of what he had just thought, 'Yeah... that's as likely as me sleeping with an Angel.' He continued watching, unaware that he was being watched by a mildly amused Misato.
'Should I taunt him about it? No...Let him enjoy the view, you're only young once', Misato mused as she took a sip from can of beer. She had yet to shake the damnable habit. 'Ah, to be young again'
"Auf Wiedresehen!" Asuka said finally, seemingly ending the conversation. She put down the phone, confirming it. She looked up from the phone, and found Shinji staring at her intently. "And just what the hell are you looking at?" she half-shouted. Shinji panicked slightly, realizing that he had no valid excuse. So he decided to escape a forthcoming argument by changing the subject.
"Why are you being like this? You were smiling into the phone just a second ago!" he parried, finding his mistake too late to stop it. He simply awaited the verbal blows that were sure to come.
"You think that I really want to? It's just an act... a routine communiqué, she's not my real mother" she told him hesitantly. Shinji was surprised, he had been expecting a 'None of your business, Idiot' from her, not an explanation. Perhaps he had finally succeeded in cracking her?
"I mean she did raise me... and it's not like I hate her or anything," she continued, oblivious for the moment to the fact that Shinji was hanging on to every word she was saying. "It's just that- Why the hell am I telling you any of this?" she shouted, breaking the temporary atmosphere of peace. Shinji got out of his seat.
"Well, sorry for caring!" Shinji retorted as sarcastically as he could, finding instead that his words felt sincere.
Asuka took the opportunity to belittle him some more, trying to cover up her moment of weakness. "Well, I guess I know I've hit rock bottom, when I start getting sympathy from a loser like you!" she stabbed verbally before pushing him out of the way, and heading for her room. "I'm done," she muttered as she passed out of sight.
