A/N - I've got my icecream in one hand, and my vanilla lipgloss in the other. Life is good. And guess what? Chapter three is here! And it's dedicated to all who reviewed! So sorry for the wait! This is a long chappie for you guys...but is more on the serious side. (for reasons you will understand if you read it!). It features Harry and Remus...hehehe I feel like one of those movie announcers...all right so on to the story? Thanks for reading...hope you still like it, even though it's a little different then the rest. Enjoy!
Disclaimer - Special thanks goes to J. K. Rowling.
Ch.3 Love, Uncle Moony
With his mind completely forgetting that there was a little party going on without him downstairs, Harry Potter walked slowly through the hallway in the direction of the main staircase. His eyes hadn't left the black carpet that he seemed to constantly be staring at these days.
Harry hated to be in Grimmauld Place with all of his heart as every room, lamp, and even fork reminded him painfully of his godfather. Every time he saw something like that, his stomach would drop at being randomly reminded of the loss and he would get angry. He wasn't even sure if being in the Black house was better then being at the Dursley's anymore. Harry had been, for the most part, not eating very much for the past couple of months wherever he was living. And this hunger did nothing to control his emotions that always seemed to be near the surface lately.
Now, after having read the first half of his letter, which had been one of his many sixteenth birthday presents, Harry felt guilty. He was sad and angry now that he hadn't gotten to get to know his mother who sounded like a wonderful person. But more so, he knew that it was the loss of Sirius that was making him vulnerable at the moment. Everything always came back to Sirius.
He knew that Sirius wouldn't have wanted him to shut himself up like he was doing, or for him to refuse to eat proper meals, or have a short temper with his best friends, just because he wasn't around anymore. Sirius would have thought him a coward for sure, Harry knew, and wondered why he was hiding from the truth or even reality for that matter. But what would he, Harry, answer to being called a coward when he knew that he was indeed being one? The thought that Sirius would be disappointed in him if he could see him now did nothing to calm Harry's emotions. In fact, this was the reason that he got so angry all the time.
For the first time in his life, Harry wanted to cut himself out of the magical world on the reasoning that his life wasn't fair. The injustice was killing him inside as he wondered which other loved ones he would have to see die before the war was over. He made a mental note, however selfish it sounded to him, to ask Dumbledore to do his best to protect the remaining people that he cared for in his life and were in danger just because they were close to him. If there was anyone who could do that task, Harry knew it was Dumbledore. He would thank him after the war was over.
But the thought of Sirius was still hard for him. And he knew it was because he hadn't properly mourned for him yet. There had been no funeral so Harry didn't get to say goodbye, or have any closure.
As he walked ever slower in the hall, his thoughts drifted slightly, and he remembered that Lupin hadn't had a chance to mourn either. This just made him feel bad for his past professor though. Harry felt that him and Remus shared an unspoken vow. Neither daring to talk about Sirius in the other's presence or admit how much they missed him. Smiling fake smiles day to day as if in hope that for one minute everything would return to normal. And they had gotten used to it. It was comforting to Harry, knowing that there was someone else out there who felt what he was feeling, even if no words were ever uttered.
But Harry felt that maybe he could act his age for the day and encourage Remus to do the same, if just for the day. They needed to talk about it, he knew that much. And he wanted to talk to Remus before he read his part of the letter and his fathers'. He didn't know why, but he just did. Remus was now going to be, willingly or unwillingly, his new father figure after all.
Knowing that the only reason why Sirius' letter had sunk in more then his mother's had was because he had gotten to know the former and feel his love, Harry walked down the stairs he hadn't realized he had already reached. Thoughts of talking to Remus and breaking their silent vow were now on his mind.
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Harry entered the kitchen expecting to hear loud noises and many conversations. However what greeted him was an intense silence. He scanned the faces of the people who had cared enough to come to his birthday party, and noticed right away Hermione's worried face and Remus' almost too understanding look. It looked as if everyone had frozen at the sight of the 'birthday boy'. He hated everybody staring at him and felt his hand subconsciously race up to his messy hair.
It was only as his hand felt his hair that he was brought back to his senses and realized that he must have looked like a wreck. He probably had red eyes or something from crying, and a sad look on his face.
Harry forced a smile, and when nobody said anything, he spoke with a calm voice.
"Isn't it a little quiet in here for a birthday party?"
Silence.
'Great', Harry thought to himself, feeling like an idiot.
"Harry's right, everybody get back to whatever you were doing and enjoy the night off!" a low growl said from the end of the table.
Harry inwardly thanked Moody for coming to his rescue, as he watched everybody going back to their conversations and whatever they were doing before. It seemed that Fred and George had been putting on a little muggle magic show as Harry took in their costumes and audience.
He noticed Remus walking towards him so he stood in the door entrance waiting until he was approached. He didn't have to wait long.
"Are you alright, Harry?' Remus asked, "You look kind of spaced out right now. Did you finish the letter?"
Harry sighed before answering the best he could, "No, I only got through Sirius and my moms' letters."
Just as Harry had expected, the smile had left Remus' face at the mention of Sirius and Lily.
"Ok Harry, well you don't have to read the whole thing tonight, you know," Remus said, trying to lighten the mood, "Want to open your other presents now? Molly's been insisting th-"
"No," Harry cut him off a little forcefully.
"Well, what do you wan-" Remus started.
But Harry cut him off again.
"I want to talk to you. Right now. In private," he said in barely a whisper as he had now noticed that some of his guests had turned to look at them when he had said 'no' a bit louder then necessary.
Harry took one more look at the kitchen and saw a birthday cake for him on the table with a snitch on it that he hadn't noticed before. He heard the people sitting around the table laughing and joking at something funny that Moody had just said, drinks spilling here and there. He glanced back at the corner where Fred and George were still performing. It looked now as if they were attempting to saw Ginny in half whom, it seemed, had volunteered willingly for this stunt. Harry turned to leave the room, Remus following, upset that he hadn't seen Professor Dumbledore among the guests in the kitchen.
Harry and Remus walked in silence out of the kitchen, down a dark hallway, and into the first room that they found on their left. It was the Black library that Harry had never even known existed before this. Not even caring that the books were all full of dark magic since they reminded him of the subject he wanted to discuss with Remus, he started their 'conference'.
"Look, I just finished reading my mom's part of the letter," he started and was surprised to see that Remus was about to speak.
"And you want to talk about her when I knew her, right? You want to know what she was like back then. Well, I guess I can answer any questions that you may have Harry. It must have come as a little shock to read her words to you, I'm guessing," Remus said.
"They didn't really sink in as much as Sirius' did actually. I feel guilty about that. And that's what I want to talk about. Sirius," Harry said, waiting for Remus to refuse to talk about his past friend or for him to look mad, but neither came.
Remus looked as if he was choosing his words carefully as he looked into Harry's green eyes.
"Look, there's no shame in feeling more strongly about Sirius' letter over Lily's. Sirius was, forgive me, a father to you who you got to know, however brief it was." Remus said with a concerned look in his eyes.
"He wasn't my father," Harry said a little colder then he had intended to, "Remus," he added sorry for sounding harsh.
"I know, Harry. It may be hard to believe, but I do know that," Remus said.
"Sorry," Harry said quietly.
"Don't be," Remus answered and Harry could clearly tell that he was now thinking about Sirius as well now.
After a painful silence, neither knowing what to say, Harry felt the words come out of his mouth before he even knew what he was saying.
"Why did he have to die?" he yelled, foolishly thinking that Remus would know the answer, "why didn't you stop him from falling? Why didn't you let me go after him? Why don't you shut yourself up in your room all the time? Don't you care that he's gone? Didn't you care about him at all?"
Harry stopped himself before he could do anymore damage. He knew it wasn't Remus' fault but blaming somebody made him feel better at the moment. He needed to vent his rage.
Harry saw Remus sit down in an old reading chair by the bookshelves slowly and then put his face in his hands.
"Look Harry," he started but then stopped.
And Harry knew that for the first time, his former professor didn't know what to say. This made Harry more upset however as he had wanted Remus to yell back at him.
"Wasn't he like your best friend? You'd think that you could spare a tear or something for him!" Harry continued, until he saw Remus lift his head.
"Harry, it's all right. I miss him too. You're right, he was one of my best friends who I am eternally thankful to for things that you can't even begin to imagine. I didn't want him to die any more than you did, but you know that I couldn't let you go after him and risk losing you as well. You see, now? Sirius died protecting you. And that's what he wanted." Remus said, and Harry was shocked to see weakness in Remus' eyes. He never saw him lose his composition.
"He didn't want to die, don't say that," Harry said angrily, looking directly in the werewolf's eyes.
They stayed silent for a minute as Harry glared at Remus as if daring him to argue.
"That's not what I meant, Harry," Remus broke the silence quickly, "Sirius was prepared to die fighting. He's been prepared every since he joined the Order of the Phoenix. As have we all," he said.
Harry sat down in the chair opposite Remus and another silence took them over. This time it was Remus again who broke it.
"I know that you're not really mad at me, Harry. Understand that we're going through the same thing here," Remus said, now sounding less and less like a professor and more and more like a parent or a friend.
Harry felt guilt once again that night.
"It's so unfair, Remus. There were so many more things I wanted to do with him. The memories are what's really getting to me," Harry said quietly feeling like he was talking to Ron or Hermione now.
"You know, there's this one thing that I remember him saying once, a long time ago. And it was right after you were born actually," Remus started.
Harry looked up, wanting to hear every detail of Remus' memory.
"We were at your parents' house one night about a week after they brought you home from the hospital. Sirius, James, Lily, you, and me that is. He was holding you in his arms, talking about all of the secrets of Hogwarts, and of all the best pranks that he'd ever played, when he stopped suddenly. We all turned to look at him and we saw him studying your face intently. He then said in a very different voice, which was unknown to all of us back then, 'you know, you're going to be the son that I know I'll never have'. And it was what he truly felt. We all knew that. Sirius never intended to have children, you see, too much responsibility he used to say, and he use to tell me and James that he knew that you'd be enough." Remus said, and then looked at the wall on the other side of the room as if trying to hide his emotions.
Harry just smiled, sitting there picturing the story in his head. It oddly made him feel a little better about everything.
"Anyways," Remus started again, breaking Harry from his happy trance, "I just thought that you'd like to know that. I meant to tell you a long time ago, just like I meant to give you that letter a long time ago. Sirius wanted to give it to you years ago actually so that you'd have something from your parents, but I think that he was afraid of what the letter contained. He suffered a lot when your parents were killed, Harry. Especially for losing James. You have to understand that they were like brothers. I've never seen him as happy or confident with anyone as he used to be with James. Ever," Remus finished.
Harry knew that Remus needed to talk about Sirius. To talk it out. And Harry felt flattered that he trusted him with this.
"He was one of the best people that I've met. It's just so different without his presence here, you know?" Harry asked.
"Yes. He did a lot for me. So did your father. And I thought they'd always be around, but things happen, Harry. There's nothing we can do about it. We've got to just appreciate the things we have and not take anything for granted anymore. It's as simple as that, right?" Remus said.
"I guess. I just didn't ever want to disappoint him and I feel like I did. Like it's my fault that he's gone," Harry said, finally saying what he had wanted to say for the past couple of months.
"It's as much your fault as it is mine," was all that Remus answered.
Another silence filled in the room and both the occupants knew that the conversation was over.
"Why don't you finish your letter, Harry. We can talk later if you'd like about your parents. I'm sure you have some questions by now that only someone who was close to them could answer. I'll be in the kitchen," he said, and then he got up and walked to the door.
Harry saw him close the door behind him. He noticed that his footsteps stopped right outside of it, when he heard Remus Lupin sigh through the closed door. About a minute later, he heard the footsteps again, and knew that Remus had dried his eyes, and was returning to the party.
Harry stood up, spared a glance around the library, feeling better now, if only a little bit and he walked to the door as well. He opened it, walked through it, closed it behind him and then walked quickly back up to the room where the letter was still laying half read on the floor.
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Harry entered Sirius' old room and saw the paper on the ground. He shut the brown door behind him, immediately cutting off all sounds of his party downstairs.
He walked the few steps to the middle of the floor, sat down quickly and picked up the thick letter. He flipped a few pages until he was at the start of the next 'section', which was ironically from Remus. Without pausing, looking up, or taking a deep breath this time, he plunged into the never before read words.
To the birthday boy,
Why hello. Sorry if this letter sounds at all weird to you. The reason for that is simple however. I have never written a letter to someone who wasn't even been born yet, so this is a new experience for me. You can blame your parents for this one, as it was their…well…unique idea. My name is Remus Lupin. I guess it would be important for you to know that so that you don't freak out and think that some random guy off the street is giving you advice. Or something like that. But yes, all thoughts of random guys off the street put aside, your dad has just informed me that he is going to make you call me 'Uncle Moony' as soon as you learn to speak. Lucky you, (I'll explain the Moony part a little later on, don't worry).
I'm not at all sure what to write so I guess I'll start by explaining about myself a little bit. Well, people mainly describe me as quiet, smart, and loyal. Well they'd be true, wouldn't they? But there's a lot more to me then that as you will learn in due time I hope. I just graduated Hogwarts a year or two ago. Now, I'd like to think that I'm funny. But there's no competition when you're best friends with James and Sirius. They put me to shame, I'm afraid. And I'm sure that you will too. Ah, life is good.
So, Happy Birthday! Or Sweet Sixteen I should say! I'm willing to bet that we will all forget what we have written in this 'super-letter' by the time it is your sixteenth birthday and you are reading it, so please be kind and remind us! Wow, I'm sorry, I almost wrote 'please be kind and rewind'. You should understand that statement if you have EVER watched a muggle movie. Your father is rather fond of 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' as I have learned over the many years of watching it with him. But hey, you probably own that movie by now, what with you being a Potter and all. You probably have a television too. I don't know what it is about your father and weird things, especially muggle things, but we love him for it. And on second thought, please don't remind us what we have written to you. We're all pretty young right now. But now that I think about it, we're all so old at the same time. I am so cool right now.
Now that you've enjoyed my light, funny side (haha), let's get into the important stuff. Like why, for example, we seem so old. I hope to God that you don't have a war to deal with when you turn sixteen. Hopefully the world will have learned by then. But your parents, Sirius, and myself are involved in a horrible war in the Wizarding world. Some crazed dark-arts freak named Voldemort is apparently behind it all, and we are forever searching for him. He's not stupid, I'll give him that much. I mean, he even has followers who seem to be just as evil as he is. But we'll catch him. Sirius especially is determined to put an end to him, as his very own family (who he despises), has recently been promoting Mort right to his face. (yes, us marauders call Voldemort 'Mort'. I mean there's just no point to be scared in a name is there?). So where was I? Right. Sirius hates his family (don't be thinking he is a blood traitor or anything like that, because he's not!), but I'm sure you'll get the pleasure to meet them one day. If you haven't already, that is. So hopefully this dark lord will be put to rest by someone before you grow up, so that you can feel free wherever you are…a luxury that our generation never really had. If I could give you one gift, it would be freedom, little Potter. Well my fingers are crossed at least. No joke.
So yes, now that you've learned what we do for a living, don't be worried, because I for one wouldn't have it any other way. And if you know your father and Sirius like I do, then you'll know that they can never sit on the sidelines or let other people get in on the action. So in fact, this job is perfect for them both. They're partners in crime those two. You and I can be partners in crime when you grow up, alright? We'll give them a run for there money. I hope I'm not too much of a grownup by the time you are reading this, because if I know me, I will be. I'm big on academics and everything but every once and a while it's good to just hang out with your friends. But there's a time for that, and I'm guessing that it won't be in sixteen years. I will have changed. Something will have changed me. Just promise me something, ok? Treat me as your uncle. Not just another adult. Please?
Since it is much easier for me to express myself through writing, (I told you I was big on academics!), I want to tell you a secret. James and Sirius, and well… Peter, I suppose…speaking of Peter though…we don't see him much anymore. James and Sirius don't see it as much of a loss. But he's still part of the order against Voldemort with us, and he does come visit occasionally. I just want to know what else he's so busy doing lately. I mean he's never really been one to have that many friends, if you know what I mean. I wonder if you have ever met him. Strange bloke. But anyways, as I was saying, my fellow marauders found out my secret way before I was ready to tell them. I'm really self-conscience about it, and don't tell just anyone, so you should feel special. I hope that you already know by now though. If I've been around you for sixteen years though, you will know. I'm a werewolf. I don't think I've ever written that before. Seriously. I want you to know and hope that you won't be prejudice towards me or any other werewolves for that matter. Know that I would never hurt anyone intentionally and that I am still the same person at heart. I hope you don't think less of me. You parents never did, and for that I am forever grateful. Full moon moony. Get it? Lame, I know. But there's Sirius and James for you, (they gave me the nickname).
I hope that you have inherited the wonderful qualities that both your parents possess. And I'm not just talking about that messy black hair. They are seriously two of the greatest people I have ever had the privilege to meet and I know that they will love you very much. No matter what you do.
So do you play Quidditch then? I bet you do. James would have a fit if you refused to. And I'm not exaggerating here; he actually had a fit one night when Lily wouldn't go for a broom ride with him. It was quite the scene and we all have our fond little memories from that day. I'm just taking a guess here, but do we have another little Gryffindor on our hands? Dumbledore will be proud, (you can tell that it's his favorite house. But ssh that's a secret that nobody else knows).
Here's something interesting. I'm reading this book and I came across this one chapter called 'what your handwriting reveals about you'. I've got it with me right now and it's freakishly accurate. I've checked James, Lily, Sirius and my own handwriting. You're interested aren't you? Alright listen to this.
This is what mine said…SMALL HANDWRITING - indicates a more reserved personality. You're more likely to keep your feelings within you. You also rely on reason over emotion – which is why pals turn to you for answers and advice.
Freaky, eh? Ok this is what your father's said…HANDWRITING THAT LEANS TO THE RIGHT - indicates that you love to have fun and hang out with others. You have a lot of friends and a busy social schedule. You're probably super-involved in things such as sports and school activities.
Can someone say Quidditch! Alright here's your mother's…THE TOPS OF YOUR T's AND D's TEND TO DOMINATE YOUR SENTENCE - indicates that you are a real go-getter. You have big dreams and ambitions. By focusing on the big picture, you're able to let the little things roll right off your back.
And now here's Sirius'… HANDWRITING RISES UPWARDS - indicates that you are positive and adventuresome Your bright personality seems to light up every room you walk into, and you're rarely without a busy social schedule. If people say, 'it can't be done,' you're the first to prove them wrong.
Isn't that interesting how accurate those handwriting revelations are? Just thought that maybe that would be a good thing to read at your sixteenth birthday party.
Advice time! I'm sure you are an old pro at detentions if you have completed five years at Hogwarts by now and are James Potter's son! So I won't lecture you about that…I was a prefect by the way, and I've had my own fair share of lecturing people. Believe me. So as per your mother's request, here's my ten points of advice.
The secret to success is to know something that nobody else knows, (remember that Dumbledore thing).
Try to give everyone a chance, no matter how different they are or where they come from. For we're all human beings in the end, right?
Go to Sirius if you ever want something. He's a big softie and will do anything for you. I know this because he has already told me.
It's good to be a prefect or befriend one at Hogwarts. There are some pretty awesome perks involved. But you didn't hear it from me.
It is not uncool to want a better life and work towards getting it. Simple, eh?
If your life is hard, rearrange it. Don't let people pass you by or make you feel less of yourself. It is those people who have the problem.
Make a couple really good friends, and stay loyal. Forever. People grow and change drastically depending on whom they hang around. Life is dull and so much worse without people that you can rely on but also have fun with. I personally can tell you that. You need friends. Trust them and do anything for them. It's worth it.
Don't ever dare any guys to see who can kiss the most girls in one day. (Especially if they are related to a Potter or a Black. Even if they are related distantly.) It will not end pretty. I repeat, not pretty.
Be kind to your mother. She is the smartest and nicest woman that I have ever met. She deserves everything, so please respect her and realize what a truly wonderful person she is.
A smile works every time.
So there you go. That's the advice from the 'sensible' marauder. I have to finish this letter to you because that father of yours is walking (loudly I might add) up the stairs in this direction, I'm guessing. He's so excited for you. Do him justice, and let the Potter name live on.
Alright now he's trying to bribe me out of the room with chocolate. Can you believe him? Like that's going to work. Yep you've got some big shoes to fill, hahaha. So all jokes aside, I hope you are having a great sixteenth birthday that you will remember forever. And I hope that I was able to make it to it. I'm always here for you if you ever need to talk about anything. I pride myself on being the great 'listener' and 'problem solver' that I am, so just know that I can help you, if ever the ocassion calls. I also know some pretty interesting books, if you ever feel the need to read. I know that was random, but still important nonetheless.
My fingers are still crossed in hopes of that gift that I wanted to give you, if you remember.
Freedom.
I'm watching out for you, (and don't worry, I will not, under any circumstances let James name his first born child 'snitch'). You've got my love always, for you will ultimately be like a child to me as well, who I look forward to growing up and learning with.
No matter how distant we grow or how different we may end up being, or if life takes an unfair twist, know that there's at least one person in the world who you can run to. My door's always open for you. That's my oath to you alright? The door's open.
Awaiting your arrival into the world,
Love, Uncle Moony
P.S. I wonder where your father went with that chocolate. Not that I want any. Ah, who am I fooling. We all have our weaknesses!
Harry looked up for the first time since he started Remus' letter with a smile on his face. The Remus who had written this letter sixteen years ago seemed strangely different then the one that Harry knew today. He knew that he had changed so much though because of his friend's deaths, and Harry felt sympathy for the once funny man who had actually taken the time to examine his friend's handwriting and whose only weakness used to be chocolate.
"Funny what sixteen stupid years can do to a person," Harry said quietly.
He wasn't talking to anybody though, since he was, after all, alone.
