Ch.4 Daddy
The wind blew violently through the open window in Sirius' old room chilling the area as it did so, and waking Harry from his troubled thoughts. He numbly dropped the third part of the letter he had just finished reading and stood up. As he walked over to the window on the opposite wall from him, Harry felt another gush of wind hit him directly in the face, making the dry tears that had long since been shed, sting coldly on the places where they had stained his face.
Harry reached for the latch on the window, meaning to close it. But as his hand touched the cold steel, he looked up and out into the darkness that was night on the other side of the window. Taking in the silence around him, Harry felt unable to close the window and shut himself into the room that he hated but loved at the same time.
Casting his eyes upwards, Harry saw the crescent moon shining down on him from its motionless position in the sky. Harry, without realizing it, felt himself cast a glare at the white shape that seemed to be smiling down at him. He had developed a recent hate for the moon on Remus' behalf. If anyone deserved to be a werewolf, it wasn't Remus Lupin. He often wondered how Lupin could deal through everything he could, while adding the unfortunate task of being a werewolf onto his back. And every time Harry looked at the moon, his respect and awe grew for his past professor and his hate grew for the moon.
Casting his gaze away from the moon, Harry tried to see how many stars could be seen in the sky tonight. The streetlamps from the houses and the smoke from the buildings built close to Grimmauld Place caused most of the stars to vanish in the night sky, and Harry was lucky to see even thirty on a good night. He looked at the stars that he could see, though few, and was about to look away when a particular bright one caught his eye.
Tilting his head as to see it better, Harry took in the bright star that had caught his attention. As he saw it twinkling in the night, defying the streetlamps and smoke from the city, Harry felt it give him some comfort. Harry knew that the star wouldn't leave him. It would always come back faithfully, every night.
Smiling, as he watched it, Harry oddly felt confidence in himself. He hadn't been sure if he could read the last part of his letter, which was from his father. Harry had always been rather proud of having James Potter as a father and had always tried to live up to what he thought his father would have wanted. But with the star shining its support down to him telling him that it, at least, thought him strong enough to read his fathers words, Harry took a deep breath and shut the window.
He was smiling, but didn't know why such a simple thing as a bright star shining out in the night could give him the help that he sought.
Feeling ready now, Harry went back to the center of the room and lowered himself onto his knees right where he had been before. Hands slightly shaking, he picked up the letter for the forth time and flipped to where the last unread words began.
i Dear Prongsie, (hey, if I'm Prongs, then you're Prongsie. I know it kind of sounds girly. Deal with it.)
Victory is mine at last. If Sirius thought that he could make me write to you last and get away with it, well he was wrong. I just told Moony that Sirius was holding his chocolate ransom. That should go over quite well in my favour, seeing as Sirius does not have said chocolate and will have to go and find some. Fast. Can you tell that I'm smiling to myself right now? Ah, of course you can't. But now you know, don't you? Your father is smiling and that means that everything is good. Remember that.
If you are reading this, then that means that it is your sixteenth birthday, and that you have survived sixteen years so far as a Potter. Congratulations! It isn't easy, is it? You'll learn to love it though, being a Potter that is, just like Lily did. Lily, being your mother. Whatever she tells you now, the truth is that she did not want to be a Potter at first, let me tell you. I don't see why. Ok, maybe it had a little to do with my supposed 'big head' as she used to so kindly put it. For the record, my head is the same size as anybody else's. Sirius and I measured them one day, but I still have the slightest suspicion that she was referring to something else rather then diameter. But none of that matters anymore, because look where we are now! At our son's sixteenth birthday party, of all places! Who would have thought that would ever become a reality? Not Sirius, that's for sure. And they say that man's best friend is his dog. A likely story.
So I am James Potter. And I am your dad. And you are going to have to listen to everything that I say. Nah, I'm just kidding, (ok, I kid a lot.), I don't expect you to listen to everything that I say. In fact, if you did, I might start actually wondering if there was something fundamentally wrong with you. But you'll disobey me, right? You'll make me mad, right? It was doing exactly what my father wouldn't approve of that got me through my teen years. Ah, I probably shouldn't be telling you that, should I? I'm not too good at this father thing yet. I've never had a kid before, obviously, but I'm always up for a little challenge, my boy! It's going to be Me Vs. You from now on, (I hope you let me win sometimes). Well, by your sixteenth birthday I'm sure I'll be an old pro. It doesn't take me long to master things. Know that.
Right now you are in your mother's stomach, and are taking forever to decide when to join us in the world, I might add. Sure you're not due for a couple of weeks, but still. I've already packed a bag to bring to the hospital. It's better to be prepared then caught off guard, as I always say. Ok, so I've never said that in my life. And I don't believe it either, but it just seemed like a good fatherish thing to say. You'll understand if you ever have kids. But, oh god! You can't have kids until you are forty, all right? I don't know if I can handle the term 'Grandfather' without fainting. I'm barely prepared for 'Daddy' as it is. I've changed so much since your mother told me that she was pregnant. Didn't see that one coming! Erm…I mean…we were very responsible and planned the whole thing. Is there an award for the worst father of the year? Haha, I'll just laugh that off and you will never bring it up, all right? That usually seems to work for me. But where was I? Right, so I found out that I was going to have a baby. Me. James Potter. Marauder. Quidditch star. A baby. I never told anybody this, but at first I was a little scared. Now, if you know me like I hope you know me, then you'll know, (hopefully), that I don't get scared usually. Hardly ever, in fact. I'm a strong believer in conquering your fears. I know that may sound cheesy to you, but if you live by it, it's so rewarding. So here's the first thing that I'm going to tell you that you have to listen to, all right? Go out and do what scares you most. Do it right now. I don't even care if you have to leave your own sixteenth birthday party. Ok, well maybe it can wait until tomorrow. But overcome your fears, Prongsie. If not for yourself, then do it for me.
Now, what to talk about. How about I tell you embarrassing secrets about Sirius? Would you like that? He probably told you all the stupid things that I've ever done in my life in his part of the letter, so I guess I better redeem myself. He's not as cool as he thinks he is. Really. He's only cool because I let him hang out with me, Remus and Lily. All right, I admit, changing into a big black omen of death whenever he pleases is kind of cool. But that doesn't mean that he is cool. I'm not the one who has to wear a collar and leash when I go out in public, right? Ah, I hope that you end up bonding with Sirius as soon as you can talk because he is definitely the best person that you will ever have the privilege of meeting. But, I swear, if he tells you to call him dad or something, he will go down. Just kidding, I love the guy.
Now, Sirius thinks of me, and of you (even though you haven't exactly been born yet), as his family. Him and I have been brothers for years. Not the kind of brothers that you see on family tapestries, (trust me when I say I'm not on his family's tapestry…heck I don't even think he's on his family's tapestry…), but we're brothers in a better way. A truer way and, oh screw this, I can't explain it. We have a bond, ok? And it hasn't been broken yet, as I knew it wouldn't. This may help explain what I'm talking about - On the day when Sirius showed up on my doorstep, wait, I'm trusting you with this story, all right? No one has ever heard it before besides Sirius and me. But yes, one day he came to my house very late in the night, woke my whole family up and everything. But he was shaking with rage, telling me that he had run away from his family because he had finally just had enough with them and their pureblood mania and, well, it was probably one of the best days of my life. Let me explain. I'd never seen Sirius cry before, I don't know if anybody had ever seen him cry before, but on that day I saw it. I saw him break down, and I felt honoured that I was one that he felt he could open up to and show his whole, true self to. His family, who he had been living with for the better part of sixteen years, had disowned him. Can you imagine what that must have felt like? Sure, a part of him was glad to get out of there and finally be rid of them, but he was more lost and confused then he had ever been before. And 'lost' and 'confused' were new feelings for him, and they strongly overpowered the happiness he felt. Not to mention he felt regret for leaving his brother alone with his parents. And you know what I did, son? I cried with him. For him. And that was the day when we knew we were brothers. I wanted to tell you that because it was probably the time in my life, as well as Sirius', when we matured a little bit, (yes, matured. But only a little bit!). What I wish for you is that you find a friend like that; one you can joke around with, make fun of at times, (ok all the time.), one who makes you laugh but can also make you cry, and someone that you know always 'has your back', even when they know you're wrong. Especially when they know you're wrong. What you'll find with Sirius, for example, is that he's a smart-ass on the surface, but loyal underneath. And we love him for it.
Wow, I finally get a chance to write a letter to my first-born child, and what am I doing? I'm writing about feelings. Sorry if that last paragraph sounded at all like I was writing in a journal or something. For the record, I don't own a journal. But now that that's all cleared up, let's talk about something else. Even though we're not really talking are we? It would be a kind of one ended conversation. And we all know that parchment can't talk on it's own, right? Wrong! Little Potter, I'd like to take this time to tell you about the Marauder's Map. The key to the Marauders' success at Hogwarts. (Except when it got confiscated by that no good, git of a caretaker…I've still got grudges.) It's a map of Hogwarts but then so much more then that as well. I can't give it justice by just explaining about it. I wish I could give it to you, though. We wrote it, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and me. My, weren't we brilliant in our Hogwarts days? (Don't take that last sentence as arrogance before you see the wonder of this map, because it was quite the product). Yes, and now I'm going to explain our days in Hogwarts in a few sentences. (By the way, I haven't explained what Hogwarts is to you, because I know that you attend there. How could you not?). All right, so here were our days in the school in the simplest words I can find to explain it. Girls, pranks, werewolves, detentions, and straight A's! (And for me 'Lily Evans' was also on the list). I won't explain each one specifically, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about anyways. You smart little Potter, you.
Which reminds me, Lily and I are going to have to stop fighting the inevitable and give you a name. It's an ongoing…erm…disagreement. By the way, I'm sorry for any disagreements you've had to listen to between your mother and I. But it's what we do; we fight, and as a result, we love each other even more. It's a good chain of events actually, brings us closer. But you've got to stop me before I start rambling about your mother because I've been known to do that on occasion. Ok, more then just on occasion. I can't help it! Moving on…your name. Well, Lily is strongly against this name, but what about Snitch? Eh? Eh? I mean, you could have one of those exotic names that nobody's ever heard of before. All right, so it's not that exotic. Ok, so it's a Quidditch ball. But I'm sticking to it! If Lily let's me name you Snitch, I'll buy you a pony.
We actually have one name that we haven't told anybody about yet. Harry. So don't be surprised if you are Harry Potter and you reading this. It's the only one that we haven't argued over, and unless we can find another one that we agree on in four weeks, you will be born a Harry. I like it, it just fits somehow. Lily, James, and Harry Potter. So much for an exotic name, eh? Remember to blame your mother on that one. Harry.
So, know that I am usually much funnier than I let on in this letter. Or so I am told. Ok, I admit, all pride aside, that I am a pretty funny guy. It takes a lot to get Moony to fall off of his chair from laughter, but it has been done. By yours truly! Speaking of Remus, don't think that have forgotten to mention him here. He means a lot to me, just like Sirius does, but with him it's different. Where Sirius is my brother as I have already told you, Remus, well he's my best friend. And the greatest, smartest, nicest guy to ever come along. If there's anyone you can go to or trust, it's Remus Lupin. He has never given any of us any reason to not believe that. Don't forget that. So, anyways, as I was saying, I really am a much funnier person. But I don't expect you to remember me by means of this letter.
So do you want some advice from a Dad? Wow, that felt weird just writing it. I've got some things that I guess you could take to learn from, but know that this is not even a fraction of the stuff I have planned to teach you in your lifetime. Ok, so maybe I do plan things. Ok, here's my advice to you, starting with number ten and counting down.
10. Never trust a dog to watch your food. I know I said that I trust Sirius, but not with food. And definitely not when he's in his 'black omen of death' form. Solution? Lick all of your food before you leave the room.
9. When I was sixteen, my parents also gave me a letter that they had written from before I was born. (Ya, so I stole the idea. It was a good one though.). This was something that my dad told me in the letter and it seems appropriate that I pass it down to you. 'The only way to avoid mistakes is to gain experiences. The only way to gain experience…is to make a mistake.' Don't worry, I didn't understand it at first either, but when I did understand what my father was talking about, I realized that he couldn't have written truer words. It was only after I had made mistakes that I learned that, however. I made them, and you will too. And that's a good thing.
8. Ok, when someone says "Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view", they do not mean it as a compliment. Hopefully nobody says that to you. I had no such luck. Nor did Sirius.
7. Stray from the path. Color outside the lines. Take a leap of faith. However you want to put it, be a leader.
6. Learn from your parent's mistakes! Ya, we have them. But we're still perfect. What am I saying?
5. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
4. There are only two phrases that you need to work the Marauder's Map. 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good' and 'Mischief managed'. The rest is up to you.
3. Love your mother and know that she will do anything for you.
2. Snape is an evil, untrustworthy git who's up to his ears in the dark arts. It's good to know this in case you ever come across him in your lifetime. Oh, what a sad day that will be for you. I feel for you already.
1. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
Well there you go, ten useful points that should assist you in your growing experience. Wow, I just sounded like Moony in that last sentence there. I don't know what is wrong with me right now, this is the first time that I've ever felt like a father I think, and I don't exactly know how to handle that. Oh well, I'm sure I'll figure it out. I always do.
Now for the climax of the letter - Happy Birthday!
Birthdays are always a lot of fun and I hope that you are enjoying yours. We probably all sound like idiots to you in this letter, don't we? Oh well, I don't mind, (Lily might though). I hope to God that I gave you a present that you like. Not socks. If I gave you socks for your sixteenth birthday, then please go and pick them up right now and throw them at me. At my head, specifically. Actually, on second thought, go throw them at Sirius. He'll like that. (I hope you noted the sarcasm there.).
Oh, somebody's coming into the room as I write this, hang on, let me shoo them away. All right, it was Remus and he's gone now. He said that Dumbledore is here in my house. Funny man, Dumbledore, I'd have to say that he's my idol. But anyways, Remus said that Dumbledore wanting to talk to us about a prophecy or something. Doesn't he know that I'm writing to my son here? And that divination is a mistrusted subject? It must be important though, as Dumbledore isn't really known for making house calls. They're calling to me from downstairs now. No, not calling. More like yelling. Honestly, a little patience never hurt anyone. But who am I do disobey Albus Dumbledore? Well, I'd be a fool, that's who.
So, I hope that you got to know me a little better by reading this letter, because it feels like I've written a lot in here. Hopefully more then Padfoot. I'm sorry; it's not a competition, really. I could have continued writing to you forever though, know that. But all good things must end sometime I guess. Right? Oh, just agree with your old man.
Take all that I said to heart, and know that it's what I truly believe as a grown man. Well, mostly grown.
See you on the Quidditch field,
Dad /i
Harry read the last word at the bottom of the last page and felt as if he could have kept on reading his father's words forever. This letter had effected him the most, he knew, but also knew that he was going to need some time to think over and let sink in what he had just read, as to fully experience the emotions that it was sure to invoke.
Harry suddenly heard footsteps right outside of his door and he dropped the letter suddenly in shock. He knew before the person opened the door and entered the room that it was going to be Remus. For Remus always had a knack of having perfect timing.
"Hello, Harry," Remus said as he closed the door behind them.
Remus took one glance at Harry on his knees in the middle of the room with the letter laying beside him face down where it had fallen and knew at once that Harry had finished reading it.
"Hello," Harry said, speaking for the first time in a while before adding, "Uncle Moony."
Remus had not been expecting to be addressed by that, and it showed by the look of wonder on his face.
"Wow," he said and walked across the room to look out of the window that Harry had shut earlier.
Harry got up and walked over so that he was standing right next to Remus who had already opened the window and was now staring out into the night sky just as Harry had done before. They both watched the moon and the stars for a couple of silent minutes before the bright star that had caught Harry's attention the first time he had looked out the window, grabbed his eyes again.
"That one star is really bright tonight," Harry said, wanting to break the silence. He pointed when he said this to where the star was shining even though there was no real need, as it was clearly the brightest one in the sky.
"Do you know what star that is, Harry?" Lupin asked and then forced his gaze away from the star and over to his left where Harry was standing.
"Erm…should I?" Harry asked, wondering why Lupin was asking him a question about stars in the first place.
But truthfully he did want to know the name of the star that had earlier encouraged him to read his father's words. It was the star, though it sounded stupid to him now, that had believed in him.
"Well you'll recognize the name, at the very least. It's Sirius, the Dog Star," Lupin stated like a fact as if he had known the name of that specific star his whole life and could've picked it out in any night sky. Which, Harry reminded himself, Remus probably could.
They stood in silence for a couple more minutes on account that Harry was speechless. They both continued staring at the Dog Star, letting memories that only they could see run through their minds.
Harry, making up his mind, went over to the middle of room once more, bent over, and picked up the letter that he had let drop to the floor. Finding the envelope close by, he grabbed it and stuffed the thick letter into it as he walked back over to the window towards Remus. As he reached the windowsill, Harry sealed the letter, stopped walking, and turned towards the man that was standing there.
"Here," Harry said.
Remus took his gaze away from the moon and looked over to Harry who had his arm stretched out towards him, the letter in his hand.
"What are you doing? I gave it to you, it's yours. It was written to you," Remus said, a little shocked to see Harry giving back his birthday present.
Just as he was in the middle of trying to understand what Harry meant by the offering, Harry spoke.
"I don't deserve it yet. I want you to keep it safe for me and give it back to me on the most important day of my life," Harry said as he stuffed the fat envelope into Remus' fingers.
"And what day will that be?" Remus asked very quietly, looking directly into Harry's shining emerald eyes.
"Whenever you give it back to me," Harry answered.
Remus smiled.
And if Remus could do it, then he, Harry, felt that he could do it to.
With no deep effort and no need to pretend any more, Harry smiled.
…That neither schools nor priests,
Nor Kings may build again,
A people with the heart of beasts
Who made wise concerning men.
Whereby our dead shall sleep
In honour, unbetrayed,
And we in faith and honour keep
That peace for which they paid.
-Rudyard Kipling
The End
A/N - I hoped you liked the story, what did you think?
