Disclaimer: OMG, 17 days till HBP! That's my disclaimer. OH YES. 17171717171717. Aren't you EXCITED? –dies-

Author's Note: Okay, finally. Please don't kill me I haven't updated earlier! Don't flame, pleaseeeeee. I just couldn't update while it's been so hot – it's a bit distracting, yaknow. Something 'bout this chappie? It's not so dynamical, but I hope you'll like it. Yeah, well. I don't expect everyone to like my story – you can't be universally popular. Just like good ol' Dumbledore said to Hagrid – "if you're holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a long time." He's right. And I agree. Woohoo. Still, I do have rights to hope you'll enjoy what I write. It's my story, after all. I write what I think & feel I should. Suggestions are welcome, though. All right, enough of this babbling.

Love you all who reviewed, even that one person who didn't like the last part, LOL. So a big biiiiiiiig thanks to Snuffles Is Loony for Moony, blacksmoon, starburstsweetie, Shuffle Queen, HermioneLuna, MrS-SiRiUs-BlAck, UnforseenShadow, Bhekie, the-girl-named-kittie, starryfaerie, Sarrie, xXxShellyxXx, Leftover Jackson, Annieboo92, Ladt-Elizabeth4242, the-power-of-love, chocoholicbookworm, Maykwa, YamikiofAnime, Bosco19, asdfjkl; (MY FLAMER, YAY! LOL), MaraudahLily, Luvin'it, harajoukugirl, LittleWinterGirl, GlitterGreen, bookwormgirl19, Nuclearphysics, beachbabe17, Snuffy ...

Ready? Go!

Not So Holy Matrimony

written by Milka-Weasley


Chapter 12 – Meet the Evans (part 1)

"Sirius, get out of there already!" cried Remus, knocking desperately on a door of their small bathroom. "Show some mercy, I'm begging you! Do understand my strong craving for a matinee bath! You know it's the most effective way for me to completely wake up."

"And sober down," added a muffled voice from the other side of the door.

"How many times must I repeat that I, unlike you, did not get drunk last night!" exclaimed Remus, irritated, suddenly feeling hot and confounded. "I was cheerful and chatty because I was in holidays mood. It had nothing to do with your smuggled Blinking Rums. And stop snickering. I know you're doing it, even though I can't see you!"

"Mister Moonlover claims he didn't get drunk, yet he did try to kiss me on our way back to the dorm," Sirius said, sounding amused. "Is he, by any chance, suggesting he wanted to do it free-willingly? Oh, Moony, I'm flattered."

"I didn't try to kiss you!" protested Remus. "More like, I was trying to bite you! Oh, come on, Sirius, let me in, I really require that shower!"

"You can require it as much as you wanna," Sirius didn't give up, "but I still need to do the urgent discharging of all the yucky stuff from my guts. The mixture of everything I ate and drank on that Christmas feast last night... well, it ain't pretty. The more you nag, the longer it'll take."

Remus frowned. "Spare me the details and hurry up."

"Meanwhile, check the present I got you. It's in the drawer, next to the bed."

"You got – what –" Remus mumbled, off line. He walked to the drawer and opened it cautiously, as though it was about to explode. You can never be too careful around Sirius - that had been Remus's motto for the past seven years. He took out a rectangle shaped object which was clumsily wrapped in festival cellophane and grinned. "Imaginative, Padfoot," he yelled. "I'd never expect a book."

Sirius tried to say something, but he only managed to let a bunch of incoherent words mixed with intension and stress.

"Ugh, Sirius," Remus said, disgusted. "Don't even bother speaking. I can tell it's rough in there. Just keep your chin up, mate!"

"ShtyomouthRms."

Remus decided to ignore the charmless sounds that were coming out of the bathroom and open the gift instead. A book. He was right about that one, but he would have never guessed what the book had been about.

"Brazilian Jiu-jitsu Bible," he read out loud, trying his best not to start laughing. "Your Guide to Successful Self Defence. Very thoughtful of you, Padfoot. Practical, too. And I mean it. This is probably the best gift you've ever got me! Unlike that last year's one. I've never even tried those thongs on."

A new flow of gibberish gabbling filled the air. Remus translated it as "you're welcome mate, but please labba-gabbi-dabba-bleurgh."

"Sirius, I begged you not to speak while... doing whatever you're doing," Remus replied, still grinning at the Christmas present he had got from Sirius.

Somebody knocked and Remus went to open the door of his and Black's dorm. "James, Evans, happy Christmas!"

"' Christmas, mate," replied James, looking hurried. "Where's Sirius?"

"Hear the lovely groaning?" Remus asked, whilst Lily and James nodded. "That's Sirius, struggling to survive the consequences of consuming too much butterbeers, Sparkle Vodkas, grilled chicken and French fries."

"Nasty," affirmed James, looking sick. "I'd stay and cheer for him, but can't. Apparently, I'm leaving for Lily's house to meet her parents."

Remus's jaw nearly dropped. "You two are pretty serious about this whole marriage thing, aren't you?"

"Well, Matrimonium Alveum obviously is," shrugged James, smiling. "Therefore, I guess, we are too. Meeting her parents is my task, actually. The Christmas card destined the meeting, so... ya know, who am I to fight the destiny?"

"James," Lily mildly reminded, showing her wrist watch. "The train's leaving in 15 minutes."

Remus glanced towards Lily, suddenly realizing she had been oddly staring at him throughout the whole conversation with James.

"Mate?" he said, looking alarmed. "Can I see you in private, please? Won't last long."

"Er, sure," replied James and the two of them went away from Lily. "What's up? Got problems with Padfoot? Need a marriage counselor? I thought I told ya I didn't wanna know any particularities 'bout your shared life."

"Lily gave me the look," Remus said, keeping his voice as down as possible.

James raised his eyebrow. "What kind of look would that be?"

"The 'poor you' look," Lupin replied, frowning. "What do you have to say about that?"

"I... I'm not following you, Moony. Sorry. Try speaking English, I'm not too good at Lithuanian."

"It was the 'poor you, being a werewolf must be difficult' look," Remus hissed. "I'm pretty sure you'll be the one to tell me why it happened."

"There's no such thing as 'poor you, being a werewolf must be difficult' look," James said apprehensively. "Maybe you decoded it wrongly. Maybe it was a 'poor you, spending so little time with James lately' lo--"

"I know what I saw." Remus cut him off. "I'll be direct and I expect even more direct answer from you - did you or did you not tell Evans about my.. condition?"

"I really have no idea what you're..." James avoided Remus's look, but he couldn't lie to him. "Oh, all right. If you really must now... well, I had to do it."

"What! What do you mean you had to do it? You didn't have to do it! You only have to die, everything else can be prevented in one way or another!" Remus shouted, nearly overpowering Sirius's unattractive moaning. He nervously looked at Lily, who faintly smiled at him, trying to look as innocent as possible. Remus figured she had already realized their subject of discussion, but he couldn't force himself to keep his voice down.

"Moony, I didn't want to, but I had no other choice. I got a card with a truth spell last night and Lily wanted to know how we got our interesting nicknames... so, you see, there was no way out. Believe me, I fought it, but the spell was too strong! The words were literally flying out of my mouth!"

"But she..." Remus mumbled, looking crushed. "D'you realize she knows now? She knows. That's... well that's just... not encouraging at all... Now wonder she's been looking at me like that..."

"Remus, the way I see it – better a 'poor you' look than a scared one. Or imagine a glance filled with hatred! Now that would be discouraging! Lily could be frightened to death now that she knows she's in a close vicinity to a wild animal. Nothing personal, Moony, but it could seem that way. Or she could've been an insane werewolf hater trying to make you a funeral fire, for all we know. People like that do exist and you're very well aware of it. Instead, Lily's on your side, feeling your pain. Shouldn't that be somewhat comforting?"

"Tick-tock, tick-tock," announced Lily, still trying to look as though she had no idea what the boys were talking about.

James gave Remus a live smile as he joined his wife again. "Lily won't tell. The Potters don't blurt out secrets in their own free will! She'll keep the secret safe, I swear on my good ol' fancy broomstick and even fancier Broom Speeder she got me. Quite amazing present, really! Can't wait to try it out!"

"Nine minutes and we're still on the third floor." Lily's voice started to sound slightly panicky. "Won't be too nice if we miss the train."

"All right, really must go now. Tell Sirius to try with Hangover Fighter Brew. It should help. See you in a couple of days... and watch our for the mistletoes!"

Lily tenderly looked at Remus once again and whispered: "I'll never find full moon as appealing as I used to. I truly hope the transfiguration's not as painful as it sounds..."

Remus gave her a long look. "It's far worse."

"Then you're lucky to have these fine lads to be there for you, right Moons?" James said cheerily, before he and Lily disappeared through the door of Lupin's and Black's dormitory.


The journey went pleasantly for the young couple. Hogwarts Express wasn't entirely full because most of the students had chosen to stay at Hogwarts during this Christmas break -- Matrimonium Alveum had obviously had great impact on half of the school. Nearly everyone who took part in the game wanted to stay with their destined ones during the holidays.

Lily and James were happy they got a free compartment only for themselves, so they used it maximally. The time passed in loud chatting, laughing, energetic playing of Exploding Snap, a few random spells were cast on each other and James's presentation of some fireworks was pretty fun too.

After several hours of rhythmical jolting on the train, the scarlet steam engine began to slow down, finally pulling in at platform nine and three quarters.

James observantly looked all around him as they got off the train and headed for the enchanted barrier.

"What are you looking for?" asked Lily.

"Evans number two, of course. Along with the seniors."

Lily laughed. James looked at her, blinking. "They are greeting you on the Kings Cross, right? Christmas day and all, not to mention the cold weather... They're on the other side of the barrier waiting for us in their weird Muggle car. Close to the truth?"

Lily looked wistful.

"Mum... and Dad would've probably been here, yeah, definitely... and as for Petunia... I reckon she'd rather let a bulldozer run over her manicured fingernails than greet me. And let's not forget the fact she spends all of her pocket money to get her nails polished in a shocking red shade. No wonder she wouldn't be too happy to see them ruined..."

James stared at Lily and didn't even notice they had already stepped through the barrier and entered the Muggle world.

"You said... you said your parents would've come," James sounded suspicious. "As if you didn't finish that sentence--"

"Ah, well," Lily said casually, "That's because they don't know I'm coming home. Thought I'd give them a little Christmas surprise. Taxi! Over here!"


Three quarters of hour later, a yellow Muggle taxi stopped in a quiet London suburb, right in front of an average middle-class family house. Lily paid the driver (James offered galleons and knuts, but the driver looked at him oddly for some unexplainable reason), grabbed their bags (James would have done it for her, but he was still trying to slide the wizarding money into confused chauffeur's hands... unsuccessfully) and she and James stepped out of the car in a cold, but still quite pleasant evening.

James noticed there were numerous blurry stars scattered across the cloudless winter sky. He immediately grew fond of the fact there was no sign of snow.

Lily breathed deeply, letting the chilly air fill her lungs thoroughly. As she told James to follow her up the red brick path, she couldn't restrain herself from smiling. It's not that she had missed home – Hogwarts was, possibly, her favourite, cardinal and irreplaceable spot ever- but seeing her own house after a few months of being away felt slightly... weird. Especially at Christmas time.

"Home, sweet home." said James gently, noticing Lily's cheerful grin.

"Guess so", she responded, shrugging slightly. "Now, would you, please, be just a little bit more – shhhh? We'll go in through the back door and I'd like not to be heard."

"Why do I suddenly feel like a burglar?"

Lily nudged James with her elbow, showing him to quiet down.

"I get it now! This is not your house at all and you're simply using me to rob it! One tip, sister - I snatch the money and you grab the jewelry. Meet you in half an hour near that hydrant. Stuff the prey in your pants. Or bra. It's the safest way."

Lily shot him a warning glance. James snickered, but stopped babbling. Lily appreciated it greatly.

"If you want a proof this really is my house," whispered Lily as they reached the back door. "check the writing near the door frame."

James glimmered towards a slippery infantine writing. "Rbert and Lili siting in a three. K-I-S-S-S-I-N-G."

"For all I know," murmured James, trying not to start laughing at Lily's bad spelling. "this could be that Rbert bloke's house as well."

"Actually, his house is the first to your left. Unless you wanna tell me you think I could've owned that kind of mansion... then this one's definitely my home."

James looked sideways. Apparently, Rbert's family possessed a big, fancy Victorian house with lots of lightened windows. There were large preserved esplanades front and rear and three spacious garages with names of each family member on them. James had a feeling Rbert led quite a luxurious life. Somehow, he couldn't help but imagine the guy having a brand new red, shiny Rolls-Royce, which secretly, James had always wanted to try out.

"Come on," murmured Lily, rousing James from his thoughts. "We haven't come here to freeze ourselves outside."

James nodded and they slipped in the hallway. Lily and James noiselessly left their light baggage on the floor and Lily entered the lounge.

The first thing she saw was her mother kneeling in one corner of the room, devotedly rearranging flower-pots and plants, humming some Christmas carol absent-mindedly. Lily recognized it as "What Child is This". She remembered loving that song. It reminded her of all those long past years when she and Petunia were just little girls who enjoyed ornamenting Christmas trees with their parents, listening to carols and singing them altogether. When did that happen last? Ten years ago? Twelve? Lily couldn't remember. It seemed like an ancient history to her.

"That Christmas flower is blooming real nice." she said smoothly, noticing her mother's shoulder's tightened the moment she heard Lily's voice.

"I'm taking a good care of it," responded the dark-haired woman and turned around, her green eyes meeting Lily's exact same pair. "Oh, dear Lord, Lily! You... here? Home for Christmas? That's... that's... oh, Lily, it's such a beautiful surprise!"

Lily nodded and hugged her mother tightly, grinning. "Happy Christmas, Mum."

"Happy Christmas, dear," Rose Evans smiled from her heart. "Why didn't you notify us you'd be coming? I'd clean the whole house and--"

"Mum," Lily said mildly. "It's alright. Everything's fine. I'm only staying for a day or two. Also, I've brought a friend to stay over."

"Oh, right, you know I love guests! Is it Clementine? Or Flora?"

Lily frowned. "No, definitely not Flora. I don't think I'll call her my friend ever again. Don't ask, please, long story. An unfinished story, too. I'll tell you more later. Oh and it's not Clem either."

"Then who is it, dear?" the woman insisted. "Don't let her stay in the hall any longer, she may catch a cold. You know it's not the warmest part of the house. Tell her to come inside and take the chill off near the fireplace."

"Mum, er... d'you remember... James Potter?"

James entered the room, flashing one of his most charming smiles. Lily noticed his hair was messier than it had been, so she figured he must have ruffled it seconds before.

"Good evening, Mrs. Evans," he said politely, offering a hand. "How d'you do?"

Rose Evans was slightly caught off-guard. "Well, I must say I've heard a thing or two about you over the past years, young lad. How's... Quidditch going?"

"Very well, thank you. Lily," he turned to his destined wife, eyeing her amusedly. "you've never mentioned you've spoken about me?"

She snickered. "You've never asked. Mum, where's Dad? And Petunia? It's Christmas... and you seem to be all alone, " said Lily, almost disapprovingly. "Are they upstairs?"

"Ah, you know your father, dear," Mrs. Evans faintly smiled. "Once a workaholic, always a workaholic. He had some business at the bookstore, so he had to take care of it. As for Pet, well, ever since we've got new neighbours, she's spending less and less time at home. Don't tell her I told you," Lily's mother added amusedly, "but I think she fancies that chubby son of theirs."

Lily's eyes widened. In shock, noticed James. "You're saying Petunia... actually likes... somebody! Oh, dear, that's... well... good for her, then, I guess."

Somehow, James had a feeling Lily wanted to finish that sentence with 'disastrous' or 'catastrophic', but her good manners didn't let her do it.

"Besides," Mrs. Evans cheerfully added, looking at James and Lily. "I'm not alone now, am I? You two are making me company. Also, I'm expecting both of them to come home for dinner. Oh and, don't take amiss because I must now one thing," she said curiously, irresistibly reminding James of an eager child. "Am I be too big of a snoop when I ask if you two are... you know... going out? Together? As a couple?"

James didn't know why, but he suddenly felt there was no point to hesitate. Mrs. Evans made him feel comfortable and relaxed. He knew he could directly tell her the bare truth. Snickering proudly, he spoke in his most solemn voice:

"Actually, Mrs. Evans, Lily and I are married. Happily and contentedly."


"Your Mum's so cool!" thrilled James as he helped Lily set the guest room in order. He fired a few useful charms around and soon, the room was stored. "She's so youthful, and chatty and you two seem real close! Like, like... friends, even," he said worshipfully. "Methinks she liked me! I told you it'd be easy to charm your folks, didn't I?"

Lily beamed. "Well, yeah... Mum is one of my best friends. She likes the same things as I do. Can be a bit snoopy sometimes, but still a fabulous ally. I like to share my secrets with her. She's like a..." Lily paused, trying to find a right word. "Something like a moving diary here, I'd say."

James thought about it for a second. "Can't imagine how it must feel."

"Why?" asked Lily, fondly stroking James's hair. "Aren't you close to your parents? At least one of them?"

James slowly shook his head. "It's... well, different. The relationships are... different."

"What do you mean? How different?"

"Well--"

"Kids!" Lily's mother yelled from downstairs, interrupting their conversation. "The dinner's ready! You father will be here any moment, I heard his car. And I think I see Petunia coming our way too!"

Lily sighed slightly, fixing James with her emerald eyes.

"You'll tell me later. Now I want you to know meeting Mum was a piece of cake. Much harder part's here... Petunia is, well, you'll see. And Dad... he's... well... Does my Mum remind you of somebody?"

"Yeah," James openly responded, giving her an honest smile. "She looks quite a bit like you."

"Thought so," replied Lily earnestly. "The same way, Petunia reminds everyone a lot of my Dad. I'll cross my fingers that Potter charm of yours doesn't stop working now."

"It won't." said James solidly.

"All right, then. Here we go."