Cupboard and the Phantom: Oh, now I see….and I love it! Raoul is always hiding in cupboards! Ahaha!

Disclaimer: If you still think I own Dracula after all these disclaimers, I sure hate to disappoint you. Actually Dracula is, deep down inside, really deep down, he's actually Mickey Mouse, although he prefers the name 'Steamboat Willie.'


"I think you were supposed to turn right at that WalMart back there." Anna looks at the map. It is now torn in several pieces.

"No no." Stephen Sommers says, "Just go straight for that big tall white mountain."

"Does anyone have a pair of sunglasses?" Dracula yells above the high stakes poker game that is going on in the back of the bus. "I a vampire, ok? I don't do this sun thing."

"Oh ----" Carl swears in friarly tones. "You won again." He throws his two pair at Monster and pouts.

"Ok, so now you have to take off the little pieces of plastic that make your ears stick out." Monster says happily.

Carl looks bleak, "Wouldn't you rather me take off my shoes?"

"Nope."

"But I like having my ears stick out."

"No dice. Play fair or I'll make Velkan eat you."

"Mates I need a bloody pair of sunglasses good and bloody quick or we'll all be in a mess. The cops have been open slather on us so far but the anchors in this bomb are bloody jacked and if I can't bloody see the road we're bloody going off it!"

Van Helsing absently reaches into the pockets of his long underwear and pulls out a pair of sunglasses. He hands them to Dracula. They are yellow cat's eye sunglasses with rhinestones in the edges.

Dracula apparently doesn't notice this because he puts them on without comment.

"I'm in." Velkan says gleefully. He has lost all of his clothing and has subsequently changed into a werewolf. Now he's pulling off pieces of his skin for every time he loses.

"I'll see you the five and raise you." Van Helsing mutters.

"Are you sure that this is the way to Universal Studios?" Dracula asks suspiciously. "I'm beginning to think that we're in Anaheim."

Stephen Sommers is fiddling around under the dashboard. There are sparks. He pulls out a bag of popcorn. "Oh yeah, I'm sure this is the way to Universal. Trixie used to work there at the Jurassic Park ride."

"Is that why I can see Sleeping Beauty's Castle and Space Mountain?"

Stephen Sommers sits up abruptly, "Ooh the Matterhorn, we must be in Switzerland! How did we get here? I can almost smell the chocolate and anonymous bank accounts!"

"Nooooo! Not my hat!" Van Helsing howls.

"Oh come on. I'm sure not having you take off that long underwear."

"But my hat!"

"You'll live."

"Wow," Anna comments, still looking at the map, "I hear this strange rushing/flapping/distant moaning noise that seems to be getting closer. Is the ground shaking?"

"My children?" Dracula asks and turns around. However this brief moment of distraction is all that is needed to sweep the Electric Mayhem and our hero into the rushing throng of the Pilgrims of the Mouse. The bus ends up in the queue for the parking garage along with fifty million other cars.


"I'm sorry Miss, You'll have to park in Pinocchio, you're too tall for the garage." The parking attendant says cryptically in Dracula's direction.

Stephen Sommers starts making hand motions, "We no speak the Swedish! Is Americans!"

"No we are bloody not!" say several manly voices from the strip poker game.

"That will be forty six dollars Miss." The attendant rolls her eyes.

"Can I pay by credit card?" Dracula asks and hands the attendant a Super Platinum Diamond Adamantium Kryptonite Visa Card.

"Certainly Miss… Mr. Roxburgh." The attendant says, "May I see a drivers license?"

Dracula produces the necessary documentation with a poof of glittery stuff and some lightning.

"By the way," the attendant says when she hands him the parking permit, "I love the shades."

"All right, everyone," Dracula yells into the back seat, "Get dressed, we're going to Disneyland."

"But, but!" Stephen Sommers says desperately. "Watchmakers! Yodeling! Goat Cheese!"

"But, but!" Igor says desperately, "I was winning!"


"Don't look at them and they won't look at you." Dracula hisses, "Now get in the tram."

Velkan is shaking all over, "Does it move?"

"Yes. That's why everyone is getting in it."

"Really fast?"

"No. Obnoxiously slow."

"Will it hurt?"

Dracula pushes Velkan into the tram, "Not at all."

"That's what you said when I asked if the lightning surgical table contraption was a tanning bed."

"Well you did get tan, didn't you? Sure it was a little crispy in spots, but it was completely ultraviolet free. Just think of how I've reduced your risk of skin cancer." Dracula smiles toothily at the spikey-haired Goth teenagers he sits down next to.

Van Helsing flops across the tram and goes to sleep in Dracula's lap. "Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred." He mumbles inanely in a rich 'Oh what a beautiful morning' tenor.

The rest of the Van Helsing characters manage to squeeze inbetween strollers and vomiting infants and children with colds and umbrellas and backpacks full of PBJ's. The tram lurches forward.

One of the Goths edges nervously closer to Dracula, "Um, Mr. Roxburgh sir, could I have your autograph?" She holds out a pen and a Disney manufactured, officially sanctioned autograph book.

Dracula smiles at her winningly. "Certainly dear, what's your name?" He pushes up Van Helsing's sleeve.

"Uh, my name? My real name? It's sorta like, well I like to be called Susan the WarRider of Darkness."

Dracula stabs Van Helsing's arm repeatedly with the pen, signs his 'to Susan with love' with a flourish and hands her back the autograph book. She takes it happily and scoots back over to her friends. The other Goths take one look at the autograph and hand her over some Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

The man sitting next to Velkan begins sneezing violently. Velkan tries hard not to smell like a wet dog.

Eventually the tram halts. Not before someone asks Carl to absolve him from his sins.


The bored looking woman at the clothing counter barely even glances up at Dracula. "I'm sorry Ma'am but we don't sell tickets to the park here. You have to walk through Downtown Disney and over to the Security Station at the Park Entrance."

Dracula pulls off his sunglasses and slams them on the counter. "Ok, look, why is everyone calling me Ma'am and Miss and Mother? Is it the sunglasses? Is it the rhinestones?"

The sales clerk sighs, "Maybe it's the ponytail, earrings, and dress."

"I am not wearing a dress!"

"Ook lookee!" Anna makes strange noises, "Pink Colored Hot Chocolate! Maybe it's tuna fish flavored!"

"Mister," the sales clerk leans across the counter, "You will be responsible for everything that your children break."

Dracula leans forward too, "I'll have you know that my children are small, grey and batlike and they are perfect little angels."

The sales clerk doesn't blink, "I remember them, they came through this morning. All wearing matching lime green sweaters and hats with orange bobbly eyes on antennas. About six thousand of them?"

"More or less? Did you see Sylvia…er Verona?"

"The chick with no boobs? They were heading for Splash Mountain."

Dracula takes her hand and shakes it heartily, "Thank you very much. You have reunited me with my children and it will only be a matter of time before we subdue the world with our nefarious schemes! When the revolution comes you will be remembered!"

"Don't mention it."

Dracula stands up backs away from the table, spreads his arms wide and laughs up at the brightly painted orange ceiling. Lightning cracks.

"Hey do you know where the guys went?" Anna hits Dracula on the back of the head with the can of Pink Hot Chocolate.

Dracula stops laughing.

"Because I thought I saw them wander off to the Princesses section." Anna finishes.


At a remote border guard station, the telephone rings.

"Hello?" the lone guard answers into it, "Yeah, we got it here again. You might want to call your credit card company and put a stop on your card. Also your credit bureau for a fraud alert. I think your identity might have been stolen. Yeah, see ya soon mate. Bye."


"Does this tutu make me look fat?"

"I really think you need those Little Mermaid Platform Shoes."

"I can see a member of the clergy carrying around a Tinkerbell Wand, can't you? You could perform miracles. You could be like the new Our Lady of Lourdes."

"I can never get that seashell bra to fit, it's been one of the most depressing things of my life."

"Actually I think you'd look better in the Pocahontas outfit. Fringe turns me on."

"Ok, how about this, I match the Jasmine Poofy Pants with this Sleeping Beauty bodice and then wear my hair like Snow White."

"Naw man. I think it looks better with a pink bow right there."


Note: Contrary to what it might seem, the previous conversation was not in fact held by the Van Helsing gang that Anna and Dracula are searching for. It was a conversation selected at random from the average Disneygoer. Our characters are somewhere else. Here is their conversation:


"Ooooooo Legos."

"Wow is that a full size Darth Vader?"

"Dude, it's the bricks."

"How do they get them to stick together?"

"They have Harry Potter keychains, why don't they have me? Like what? I'm not as famous as Harry bloody Potter?"

"You're franchised to Universal. Disney wouldn't take the script. I tried to get them to make the movie but they wanted to add a Winnie-the-Pooh song to the part where all of Dracula's kids get blown into goo."

"I wonder if Dracula will let me buy this with his stolen credit card."

"You moron, Legoland isn't owned by Disney! They're their own independent company!"

"No, you mindless fictional creation, everything's owned by Disney. Beware of the Mouse! It'll find you if you talk like that!"

"Stupid director! You didn't use my singing or dancing talents! I'm not owned by Disney! Deal with my agent, drongo!"

"Shhh fool! Do you want to get us all killed!"

"Hey Igor, look what happens when I push this."


A sudden hush descends over the crowded shops and bustling people.

"Will Mr. Charlie Dracula come to Lost and Found? His party is waiting for him."


"You thought my name was Charlie?" Dracula grabs Van Helsing and smashes him against he nearest Disney cast member.

"Well Monster thought your name was Elizabeth and Velkan was voting for Ferdinand, so Igor and I teamed up and paged you as Charlie." Van Helsing tries to smile.

"Didn't I tell you my name in a dramatic enough fashion? Prince Vladislaus Draculea the Third?"

the author cannot stand referring to Dracula as 'Count' h/s/I considers it a travesty of justice.

Van Helsing concentrates really hard, "Um, wait, Vera's House Drag Ooh-La-La." Something in his brain clicks, "Is that why you wear the dress?"

Dracula looks hurt, "But we've had such history, you and I."

"But I'm an amnesiac, remember? At least I think I'm an amnesiac. If you're some kind of house calling kinky Drag Queen I certainly hope that I'm an amnesiac."

"Don't worry, I'll burn you alive at the stake for that comment. Don't you be sarcastic to me, young man." Dracula grabs him by the ear and starts dragging him toward the park, "Look I bought the tickets, we're going to go in there and find my children."

"You lost your children in Disneyland?" Velkan snorts. "And you expect to find them?"

Monster's lower lip starts trembling, "Mumsy, you won't lose me in Disneyland, will you?"

Igor pulls a handily concealed cattle prod out of his pants. "Stop crying! I can't stand crying! You sniveling brat! Respect your elders!"

"Hey I think we lost Anna." Van Helsing whines up at Dracula.

"No, she went to the restroom so she could tighten her corset in private. We are waiting here for her." Dracula says, "Do you have any idea how hard this is? If any of you misbehave, I'll hunt you down and suck all of your blood. And you are not buying any, I repeat, no souvenirs!"

"Well we might as well stand in line for the security check," Velkan says. "It doesn't look like it's moving very quickly."


Three hours later, the security guard has to call his manager, and his manager has to call his supervisor, and his supervisor has to call his company representative, and his company representative has to call Roy Disney. Roy Disney's secretary says that he can't be bothered.

"Uh, I think we should let them through," The security guard says tentatively.

"I don't believe those two can turn into werewolves. That's physically impossible." The supervisor is thumbing through a Disney Security Rulebook.

Velkan gets this eager look on his face, "Want me to show you?"

Dracula elbows him in the gut.

"And that one," The company representative points at Dracula, "He can't be a vampire. His teeth are straight."

"That's because he can stick his fangs out or pull them in any time he wants," Anna says helpfully.

Dracula glares at her.

"I don't think we should let the Monk in, separation of Church and State and all that," the supervisor comments, "He might try to proselytize someone."

Carl goes pale, "But I'm only a friar."

"Oh, well that's settled then," the supervisor checks an item off of a list, "Now about the vampire."

"Um, sir, we let that group of six thousand vampires in this morning." The security guard hazards.

"But that was a school field trip." The supervisor says. "This is entirely different." The man looks up at Dracula, "Do you have any weapons in your party to declare?"

Van Helsing slowly raises his hand and Dracula quickly zaps him with a bolt of lighting.

The security guard makes a grab for Dracula's hands, "I'm sorry sir, we'll have to take that away from you, you can keep it in a locker outside the park."

Dracula looks pained. He manages to convey the fact that he pities every single stupid poor mindless droning mortal that he meets. "Once again, I think I am justified in what I'm about to do."

The company representative looks up tensely, "What's that?"

"I'm going to reveal to you that I am actually an auditor for the Federal Trade Commission and that I an my colleagues are going to inspect your roller coasters to make sure that they meet with Consumer Product Safety Commission standards."

The security guard moves closer to his supervisor and begins muttering, "How would a guy with an Australian accent like that know about the US Consumer Product Safety Commission? Sounds suspicious to me."

"Oh please!" Anna throws her hands up in the air, "You boys just don't know how to do this." She takes the company representative by the hand, "Now I sure we can reach some kind of understanding here. Why don't you let myself and my companions enjoy your beautiful theme park? You wouldn't discriminate against us because we're racial minorities, would you?"

"Vampires are racial minorities?" Velkan asks snidely. Dracula bashes him in the head.

The company representative is starting to get a glazed look on his face, "Makes sense. Would you like a free lunch at one of our fabulous restaurants?"

Anna flutters her eyes a little and pinches the man's cheek, "Oh you are a dear little man! Thank you very much. Follow me men!" She marches the group through security, past the astonished ticket collectors, and straight into Fronteirland.

"Wow you are lucky." Van Helsing says admiringly.

"I'm hungry." Velkan whines.

"I wanted to go to Toontown," Stephen Sommers snivels.

"I'm scared of the man in the costume over there!" Carl bleats, pointing at Van Helsing.

"Um can we have your autograph?" several hundred people say to Dracula, assuming that he's owned by Disney because they read the disclaimer at the beginning of the chapter.

But Dracula is spellbound. Across the park, there is a line of six thousand grey flapping greasy things in lime green sweatshirts and orange bobbly eyed antenna-hats lining up for the Dumbo ride. At the head of the line, a woman in skimpy negligee is arguing with the ride attendant that three vampire bat babies should be able to ride in an elephant because they weighed significantly less than a normal child.

"Cara mia!" Dracula runs forward arms held wide.

"Oh not again." Verona rolls her eyes and tries to hide behind a very large diaper bag that is decorated with daggers and chalices.

"Daddy!" Six thousand bat babies shout exuberantly.

"KEEEEELLLL THEM ALLLLL!" Van Helsing reaches for his Tupperware can openers.

Anna tries to pull something large and spiky out of a Disney flowerbox plant display.

Stephen Sommers squints appraisingly at the bat babies and authoritvely states that the lighting is all wrong and perhaps they should have made them furry after all.

Carl smiles haplessly at the watching tourists, "I'm not with them. I'm only a friar."

Velkan has grabbed Van Helsing's hat and is executing street ballet for money.

What happened to Dracula ranting about stuff? Join us next week for Verona's Rant, a look at the movie Van Helsing from a vampire bride's point of view. Will Dracula get his block knocked off? How do you feed six thousand hungry vampire babies in a crowded amusement park?

Find out next week in Lady Dracula's Lover, or Miss Otis Regrets She Is Unable To Lunch Today.