It was the rapping on the door that woke him. He stumbled out of bed, checking his watch as he made his way to the door. It was seven in the morning. He didn't know anyone was awake at this hour.
"If it's one of those church people, I'm going to Avada Kedavra something," he muttered. He opened the door. "What do you-"
"Severus, please-"
Severus closed the door. He turned away, and leaned against the door. Was he on Elixir? Had he taken it? He couldn't remember. Was this a memory? He wasn't sure. Was he imagining this?
"Severus?"
This couldn't be real. All of his ghosts from the past were suddenly coming to haunt him. This had be a bad trip. He swallowed the nothing in his throat. "Yes?"
"Let me in, please. Please."
"Go away," he hissed, sliding down onto the floor. "Wake up. Wake up now!"
"I'm opening the door."
"Go away!" Severus pinched his arm. It hurt. This wasn't a dream. However, it could still be Elixir. He tried to remember taking it. No, he went to sleep. Regulus overdosed and then he came back and threw out all of the drugs. Except for the Potions.
He jumped up and opened the closet door. The Potions were there, untouched. This was real.
Severus turned to the door and opened it slowly. "What do you want here? What do you want with me?"
Remus looked at him with tired eyes. "Just a shower. And a hot meal, perhaps?"
"There's no food here."
"Then I'll just take the shower." Remus stumbled in, walking with a limp that Severus couldn't remember him having before.
"Help yourself," Severus said in an unnaturally pleasant voice.
Remus noticed and gave him a strange look. He did not comment on it, though. He pulled off his threadbare winter coat and tatty jumper. He stood in the living room in his dirty t-shirt, work pants, and boots. "Which way, then?"
"Down the hall. First door."
"Still with Regulus?" Remus asked as he made his slow way to the hall.
"Yes. He'll be home at noon."
"Not here?"
"He, uh, he spent the night at the clinic."
Remus stopped. "Is he ill?" His voice made it clear he knew better.
"Overdose," Severus said. "Are you still with Sirius?"
"No. No more." Remus didn't say another word as he limped down the hall.
Severus pondered his next move. He pulled his cloak from the closet then locked the closet door. He reached into the pocket, retrieved a rubber band and pulled his hair into a greasy ponytail. He felt around and slipped his fingers into the lining and found a ten pound note.
As the old pipes squealed from use of hot water, Severus left. He went to the grocery and got a few staples. He thought about work, and how he should be there in three hours. With Regulus, with everything, he couldn't be bothered with work.
He used the bit of change he had left to leave the shop a message from the pay phone on the corner.
Severus went back to the apartment, shifting the paper bag in his hands. He closed the door with a push from the heel of his foot. He stepped into the kitchen to see Remus standing at the sink, wrapped only in a towel. Severus could see a nasty looking scar that went from just above the back of Remus' right knee, to his ankle. It looked like his leg had been split open.
"What are you doing?" Severus asked.
"Rinsing out a few of my clothes. I only have one set," Remus replied. "I hoped that I'd finish before you got back."
"Not with drying," he said. "Put on some of Regulus' old things. I'll take those down to laundry."
"No, it's fine. Fine. I don't want to wear his clothes."
Severus chewed on his tongue for a moment. He swallowed and asked, "What happened? To your leg, I mean."
"Sirius. You know how he is."
"I do, but that doesn't explain."
Remus' jaw stiffened. "Sirius enjoyed my afflictions. He took pleasure in..."
Severus had nearly forgotten. The scars across Remus' face, they had always been there, and he spent years never suspecting that those scars were connected to Remus' lycanthropy.
"He enjoyed the transformation," Remus finished. "Either direction."
"Ugh." Severus hadn't meant that to be said aloud. He could remember once when Remus was a friend, when he was more than a friend. They would study together in the libraries and discuss herbology (both for class and recreational) in hushed voices, and Remus would put his hand over Severus'. When they would kiss in the dormitories when no one else was there.
Severus dropped out of university first. It didn't take long for them to break, when Remus was still busy with his studies and Severus was slipping into his drugs. Three nights later, Severus found himself at a party, waking up with his face between the legs of a strange witch, in the company of a handsome young man smoking a joint.
"I know," Remus said. "I never really had much say. Especially at the end of the night."
"You're still human, Remus," Severus said. It was a familiar saying. He had said it many times before.
Remus shrugged, neither agreeing nor disagreeing.
"You can blame me, if you want. I'm the one who introduced him to you. I did it when I knew he was as he was."
"Did you sic him on me, Severus? Still holding a schoolboy grudge, and you took the nastiest man on the face of the Earth and sent him on me. Oh, Sirius is handsome and charming, but he takes everything good inside of your and sucks it out, leaving a shell of discontent."
"No! No, I would never, Remus."
"Oh fuck it. I spent a very long time trying to convince myself that I hated you, and I never did. I wouldn't come here if I did. I left you in university because I needed to concentrate on school when you only wanted drugs. I knew that you hated me for it, but our lives were different.
"When Sirius did this to me. My leg, he did that to me. I blamed you, I did. But I'm above that now. I could have said no to him. At the beginning. Before he sucked me in. Before he threw me into the world that I had been trying to avoid. I graduated from university with honors. With honors, Severus. And do you know what I've done with that? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Because I got involved in drugs. Not like when we were at school, that was nothing compared to the shit I've put in my body and fucked up my life. It was my fault. I can't even blame Sirius for that."
Severus had no response to that.
"I can't get a job. I have scars on my face from a childish mistake. I have a scar on my leg because one night when I was still a wolf, Sirius tried to screw me. I was out of control. He panicked and he pulled a knife on me. By the time I had transformed back into a human, he me in shreds. As far as I know, I tried to attack him and he tried to cut off my leg. He was so wasted that while I was lying on the floor bleeding to death, he was laughing so hard I could hardly get the story out of him. Let alone get him to call an ambulance. For a while, I used a cane, but I had to pawn it so I could buy food. When I left Sirius, I knew that I was leaving his family's fortune." Remus turned away and seemed to be finished.
Severus silently made sandwiches. Words really were not an option at this point.
They ate and Remus got dressed in his damp clothes.
"Thank you, Severus," Remus said. "Give my best to Regulus."
Severus paused. "Stay, will you?"
"I don't want to impose."
"This is a clean house. You wouldn't have to worry about that. Not from me, not anymore."
"It's not that," Remus said. "It's... I know you, Severus. Probably better than you know yourself. You love Regulus. You love him more than you could have ever even conceived loving me. No matter what shit you two have gone through, you went on to something better. Unlike me. Honestly, I don't know if I could stand to sit by and watch that."
Severus hated being wrong. He hated it when other people were right. However, he never knew how to act when people were wrong, and there was nothing he had done to be right. And things had always been different with Remus.
"I don't think that's... that's not right. I've never-"
Remus held up a hand. "It's all right."
"No, it's not. Yes, I love Regulus. I love him a lot. But you were the first. Every time, everything, with you it was first. Nothing can take that back."
"Well, let me tell you, Severus Snape, everything, with you was the last. When it really mattered. I can't stay."
"At least until Regulus gets home. You can rest. Take a load off your leg."
Remus considered. "All right."
