Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls. WB does. Screw them. They need more of an imagination! Why is Jackson the only one interested in carrots? Grrrr… anyway I also don't own Yale or Albert Einstein or Political Correctness or C-span or Yu-Gi-Oh cards or Harley Davidsons. I DEFINATLY don't own Harry potter. That's WB too (and J.K but she doesn't count… this is a media thing). Roxanne belongs to some weirdo 80's singer and stilettos are Italian (I think). And pimped-out rides are inspired by that MM show. Pretty much the only thing I own is that carrot (muahahaha!) the puddle that Jess becomes (HeHe sweat) and all the OOC characters for the WB people. HeHe. Take no offense, this is a joke story, I really love the show (but Dean pisses me off.) Expect more chapters when I'm feeling hyper! HeHeHawHawHardiHarHar! Enjoy!


"Come with me Rory! Move with me to New York!"

"Drop out of school?" Rory was said dumbly. Jess had appeared at her dorm without warning.

"Yes! Come with me Rory! I love you!" Rory was amazed. She loved Jess, and she missed him a lot. Ever since that day at Liz's wedding, she had yearned for his company. It was weird. I mean, she liked Dean too, it was just…. She liked Jess more. He could understand what she was talking about when she wrote a newspaper article. Dean would read it, but he wouldn't be able to talk about it. I guess he's kind of stupid she thought. Rory sighed.

"I don't know Jess…. My whole life is here. I'm going to school and I have the paper…." She trailed off. True, life had been hectic lately. But did she want to just run away? Yes, I'm sick of this whole perfect world! I want to see some dirt! Yale is so frigin clean! Grrrrrr! She got frustrated and made up her mind.

"If you don't enjoy it with me, you can come back. Just please, Rory, give me a chance! Please, my love! Oh, my love!" She looked at him. He seemed so sincere. She really did want to start a new life.

"Oh Jess, how am I going to tell everybody? I love you so much! Oh!" She was being ridiculous. This was stupid, out of the question. But she was still doing it, why? Because she needed a change, That's why. Her life had fallen into a rut lately. Everything was the same. I'm soooo bored, I want some action!

"Oh Rory! Come here!" He enveloped her in a hug.

"Jess, my room is this way, let's go pack!" She took his hand, leading him to her dorm room.

"Can we do anything else in that room?" He smiled in a sly manner.

"Oh you! I just….I just love you so much! Do you know how much I missed you? Do you know how much I missed having intelligent conversations? All I had was Einstein out there." She indicated to the door, and stuck out her tongue at it.

Jess laughed. "Nobody ever accused Dean of being smart, he's just a little more P.C. than I am." He leaned down and kissed her. She ran her fingers through his hair. Oh, how I missed his hair!

"Jess, what am I going to tell my mom?" She whispered. He distracted her by running his hands down her waist. Rory giggled.


Dean was outside the room, leaning against a wall, worrying. What was that rebel Jess doing here? Hadn't he learned that he wasn't welcome around Rory? He didn't have any doubt that Rory was setting his straight at that very moment. What if Jess started causing trouble though? Maybe Rory needed his help! Dean to the rescue!

He stood up straight. Right then, Dean heard a screaming laughter coming from inside the dorm. Rory! He shoved his way inside. The door to Rorys room was closed. Dean heard whispers and smooches coming from the other side. No! That sicko Jess is raping her!

"Rory! Don't worry! I'm coming!" Dean broke down the door.


"Oh my god! Dean, what the hell do you think you are doing? You broke the doorframe!" Wood splinters rained on the half-naked Rory and Jess.

"I'm coming to save you Rory! Just like superman!" He stood in the opening, hands on his hips, smiling. Kriptonite started playing.

"You are an idiot, you idiot! The door wasn't even locked! Jesus!" Jess got up, slid his shirt on and punched Dean in the face. Stunned, Dean fell flat on his butt. His legs stuck out straight in front of him.

"Hey! That hurt! I was just coming to protect my property!" He pouted at Jess. It was not pretty, his right eye was swelling up.

"Since when is Rory your property? You sexist retard!" Jess spat in Deans face. The guy started to cry.

"When sob did I ever sob talk about Rory? sob She has my Yu-Gi-Oh cards in her sob pocket! I assumed that with all the…errr…. Moving sob you were doing on top of her, sob My cards would get squished. whimper"

"Here, you big baby." Rory threw Deans deck of cards at him. "I only wanted to see how many you had that I didn't. I was hoping you'd give me your doubles." She spat on her ex-boyfriend. "I have quite an impressive deck, you know." She added, bragging to her new-old-ex-boyfriend.

"I can see that." He smiled, staring at her chest.

Rory slapped him. "I'm going to go pack."

Dean sucked his thumb. "Why is she packing?" He whined.

"She's moving to New York with me." He rubbed the cheek where Rory had hit him. "Now get out before I call the cops for vandalism." He kicked him.

Dean whimpered, muttered. "This really isn't my day." And started rolling out the dorm. Paris walked in.

"Who are you and why are you rolling on my floor, you 23 IQ'ed construction worker." Paris stepped on him. Her stiletto dug right into his spine.

"Ouf. Ya, I'm….just….leaving." He started singing the theme song for Jaws.

"Whatever, looser." Barely sparing Rory and Jess a glance, she collapsed onto the couch and started watching C-Span.

Dragging out Rorys' suitcase, the two jumped into Jesss' car and sped down the road. They could barely keep each other's hands to themselves.

"Jess! Oh Dearest Jess! Pull over, please! I can't keep this longing suppressed any longer! I love you! I love you! Oh Jess!" They parked in a ditch, ripping each other's cloths off. Steam covered the windows. Rory put her hand against the glass, creating a streak in the fog similar to the one made by Rose in 'the Titanic'. A police officer came out of nowhere and tapped on the window with a flashlight.

"Yes, officer?" Jess opened the driver side door, revealing a heated match of strip-Yu-Gi-Oh. Rory was in a bra and jeans. Jess only had on his boxers.

"What's going on here, kids?" The police officer was younger than they were.

"How desperate is the force? They sent a twelve-year-old?" The kid smiled sheepishly.

"Well," He said. "I'm not really on the police force, it's only a Halloween costume. Do you want a carrot?"

"Gimmee!" Rory grabbed the vegetable out of his hand.

"Wow, it's already Halloween? How long have we been playing cards?" Jess screamed. The boy's face had turned green and had grown warts.

"Its not Halloween, you dork! I am coming to kill you!" The monster reached for Rory. She slapped him.

"Ouuuuuuuch! I'm going to tell Tailor!" Kirk took off the monster mask.

"Get out of here, Kirk. Were playing Yu-Gi-Oh, strip style." Rory tried to close the door.

"Can I play?" He stood in her way. "I have a rather powerful deck, if I do say so myself." He took out his Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

"You so do not." Jess was staring at Kirks chest.

"I do! I'll show you!" He climbed into the car and took off his jacket.

"Whoa! Man! Calm down! Ewwww! I'll pay you to leave!" Jess was covering Rorys eyes.

"Fifty dollars with a seventeen buck tip if I leave the cool monster mask? Ten more if I leave the twelve-year-old disguise too?" He grabbed Jess by the shoulders and started to shake him. Jess was limp in the mans grip.

"Wadwadawadawadawadawadawadawadawadawadawadawadawada!" Finaly Rory knocked Kirk out with a slash of her purse.

"Thanks, doll. What do you keep in there anyway? Bricks?" He stuck his head out the door and threw up, all over Kirk.

"Nice," She commented. "No, I always have a copy of Harry Potter IV in case of emergency, like that. Its way heavier than a brick." She took it out and started reading.

"But….Babe! I want your attention!" He started to cry.

"Harry saved your life, Jess. At least you could let him tell his story." She started reading out loud.

"Noooooooo!" Jess started wailing. Suddenly, Kirk woke up.

"I can recite that entire book off by heart!" He started reciting the entire book off by heart.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh! Nnnoooooooooo!" Jess started to melt. "All I wanted to do was move to New York!" He was a puddle on the floor of his car. The puddle had a face.

"Do you know why you are a puddle Jess?" Lorelai stood in the open car door.

He tried to shake his head. "I don't even have a goddamn head!" He yelped.

"No need to get all excited Jess." Luke was there.

"Why am I a puddle? Why can't Rory and Kirk stop reading from Harry Potter IV?" He was hysterical.

"They have stopped, look!" Lorelai pointed at Rory and Kirk, they were making out. (a/n. ok I'm a deranged psychopath, sue me!)

"Rory!" Cried Jess and Dean in unison. The puddle strangled Kirk and Dean rolled Rory into the forest.

"Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light! You don't have to sell your body to the night!"

The music wafted out of nowhere. Or well, the convertible was called Nowhere, and it had a huge sound-system. Nowhere was speeding down a hill (where did the hill come from?) and into Jesss' car.

"Noooooooo!" Luke jumped in front of the junker, trying to protect Kirk.

"How stupid can you get?" Lorelai put out her hand and a wind-tunnel opened in its palm. She sucked the pimped-out car into oblivion.

"What the motha fu…." You could here the gangsta dudes scream before they completely disappeared. An I-Pod Mini was all that was left.

"Cool!" Lorelai picked it up.

"Gimmee!" Rory grabbed it and put it in her mouth.

"Rory!" Dean came rolling back out of the forest. It seemed he couldn't remember how to walk.

"Rory!" The puddle sloshed out of the car. The pale corpse of Kirk fell out behind him.

"Jess!" Rory started making out with the puddle.

"Oh come on!" Dean wailed. "He is a Goddamn PUDDLE! How can you still pick him over me? Jessus! I'm leaving this freak show!" Dean started to roll away.

"Oh no you don't buddy. I'm feeling hungry." Lorelai skewered Dean with her fingernails and started to eat him.

"Aw mom!" Rory whined. "I asked you not to eat my boyfriends!" She took a dagger out of her bra and stole Dean's arm.

"Oh well, now that he's dead I might as well gnaw on him for awhile." Rory stuck the entire arm into her mouth.

"Lets go Rory, we want to get to New York before my gang gets back from San Francisco because if they get there first they'll get pissed that I didn't water their petunias." The puddle started sloshing towards the car.

"OK, I guess this is good bye mom." Rory started sobbing uncontrollably. Lorelai flipped the bird at her daughter and she and Luke sped off on a Harley into the night. Then an explosion came from where they had just gone. Rory stood there for five minutes until they came crawling back.

"Can I hitch a ride?" Luke asked. He had lost half of his face.

"Ya, but we only have one seat because Kirk is in there and so is my suitcase. Sorry mom." Jess's car left a bloody Lorelai lying on the ground, swearing at the stupidity of human kind.


HeHe. Review! Flame me! Fame me! Frame me! Do whatever tickles your fancy but I really really really really really really really really want feedback! In the next chapter Jess and Rory will go to New York! They might even meet Jess's gang! I know that they are all Out of Character but I did that on purpose. HeHe Muahahahahaa!

Later, dudes

Identitycrisis

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