Staring Down The Abyss


And just like that, the memory vanishes, leaving me shaken and confused. I haven't thought about my childhood in years. Why should I remember it now? Why should I ever remember my development in that dark blue belly of light with its secrets like the layers of a gysahl pickle? Am I going to relive my whole damned life, despite my best efforts? Not that I have many regrets, but rather that there are things I've swallowed that I have no wish to regurgitate...

"Garland."

"What is it?"

"What is going on here?"

"Memory and experience are one in this place. There are only two of us here, and this world is newly born and extremely volatile. I expect that we will both relive many more memories before the end comes."

Remembering the overwhelming rush of memories and the complete loss of identity I experienced just after entering the Iifa Tree, I frown. That isn't an experience I'd care to repeat, and I say as much to Garland.

"I doubt that will happen," he says, sounding surprisingly undisappointed. "You will almost certainly travel back through your own memories. And, as I had the pleasure of witnessing your... what was the phrase again?"

I know from experience what that light tone means. There's only one thing that could have amused him like that...

"...'Unwarranted abuse of your fellow Genomes'," he continues, savouring the words like a fine wine. "I am prepared for the possibility that you will see my past. Perhaps you will realise that I am not the ogre you believe me to be."

I don't want to see Garland's memories, and he has no right to see mine. He has no right to know how much I owe to him. Not just wealth, property and control of the Invincible (when it suited him, I think bitterly as I recall the way Alexander was snatched from my grasp), but the person I was when I finally left Terra to begin my work on Gaia. I don't want him to know how long it took me to realise that he was using me completely. Using me from the moment I was born.

"'He will look upon the world and make it his own...'" The statement hangs heavy in the air like woodsmoke. Using me. Lying to me.

"Are you disappointed by the role you played in Terra's restoration? You did well, Kuja. Have you no pride in your achievements?"

"You really don't understand, do you Garland?" There is nothing I can say to bridge the gulf between us, and that is always how it has been. I thought when I was young that one day we'd see eye to eye, that one day there would come a shining moment when I could turn to Garland and say to him: 'I understand you. I see how your desire and your will turn'. I was wrong. "Taharka and the Chaoses are dead and gone. You're only here because you're too stubborn to lie down and die. The flower of Terra is withered even before it blooms. Why are you so satisfied?"

"What would I prove by railing against my fate? I am satisfied by the path destiny has chosen for me, and I will do whatever is in my power to guide Zidane along his path."

"And what of my fate, Garland? I follow my own script now. I have nothing to say to you, and it is time for our ways to part once more. I trust you will not be too offended by my lack of manners?" I bow mockingly to the air and walk towards the castle, but in my mind's eye he still walks beside me and smiles.