Forgotten Daze
FF7 Fan Fiction
Chapter 4
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/No!/
--!
And as quickly as it came, it was gone. Cloud could feel the sweat on the back of his neck, the way his hair had been padded down by it, the suffocating heat suddenly upon him as his eyes focused on the whiteness around him.
He wasn't in Nibleheim. This wasn't ... his home. He could hear the beating of his own heart through the mattress, shivering from the exposure of his back and neck, fearing what the dream had shown. His breath was fast, and he rolled onto his back as quickly as he could, protecting himself from behind, his hand to his chest as he tried to contain his heart, his eyes wide and unfocused on the ceiling.
It was a dream-- it had to be. His thoughts began to focus along with his sight, the new surroundings clicking into place as his breath evened out. The first time he had ever woken up in his new home. Cloud let his muscles relax, his eyes shutting slightly. He was used to the dreams, it was just a matter of letting himself slowly return to reality.
The world returned, as it always did, and Cloud could hear low talk in the other room, behind the closed door. The bedroom was silent, and Cloud knew the other occupant was gone. It was morning, the room bright enough even behind closed blinds to signify that. The low murmurs were slightly comforting, the idea that there were others so close completely reassuring.
Cloud frowned, suddenly. How had he gotten to his bed? He had unpacked, and Zack had come. They left together to train, and ... oh god, they had fought. Cloud cringed, rolling onto his side as he tried to block the thoughts, embarrassed to himself. He hit the other man, and had then wrestled for superiority. It was an impossible fight ... and he ...
The memory returned, and Cloud groaned out loud, burying his face into his sheets in attempt to hide. Sephiroth.
/"Come this spring ... I'm leaving this town for Midgar."/ Tifa had looked to him, her face soft in the moonlight.
/" ... All the boys are leaving our town."/ She turned, her eyes on the ground. Cloud had hardly noticed.
/"But I'm different from all of them. I'm not just going to find a job. I want to join SOLDIER. I'm going to be the best there is, just like Sephiroth."/
Tifa had turned then, examined him slightly before looking back, thoughts on her mind that Cloud hadn't bothered to even try and guess at. /"Sephiroth ... the great Sephiroth ... "/
Cloud stared into the nearby screen, his entire mind conflicted. He could barely handle memories of the night before, how was he expected to handle memories of his home? But ... he had meant it. What he told her that night, it was true. He had never told her the reasons that involved /her/ ... Just like he wouldn't tell any member of Shinra the reasons that involved Sephiroth.
He nearly cringed again, suddenly feeling as though he had two separate lives. Who was he, then, really? Was he still the scared little boy who was powerless to help the one person he wanted to protect? Was he still the timid, silent child that felt he deserved the blame for everything? Or was he this seemingly new Cloud ... the boy that had joined Shinra to follow his dream and become like the infamous, god-like figure he had worshipped from afar? Hell, or was he just the pain in the ass recruit that went around punching other SOLDIERs, and wrestling with them on the floor?
Whatever he was, whichever persona he chose to inhibit once he worked up the motivation to step out of his bed, he hated them all. All the Clouds that existed ... the blond furrowed his brow, resting it against his fisted hand. He still felt as though none of them were the true Cloud. Of course, he didn't know who that was, he had lived too long as something else to even be sure. But he knew there was someone there ... there had to be. If he was truly any of those personalities deep down, then how could he separate them from each other? How could he play the omnipotent being that watched all the people he portrayed as they played out their lives? There had to be another Cloud.
Introspection, Cloud thought, his gaze placid as his emotions gradually faded, was a horrible skill. He let his thoughts be silenced ... at least about all internal dealings. There was nothing he could do about the one prevailing thought in his mind. Zack.
What had happened? He vaguely remember the wave of nausea that overtook him when he realized just how close he was to ... well ... /him,/ so had he passed out? If he had, then did that mean that Zack had brought him back to his apartment?
No, why would he? Although ... he had made it painfully clear that he wanted to "help" the poor boy, but after their brief power struggle, Cloud wasn't sure how badly the other man would want to do anything remotely close to him ever again. Maybe he had just left him there, on the ground. Some clueless official could have spotted him and used his ID to take him back home.
It wouldn't have surprised him in the least. So, what new self-hating thoughts could he come up with? What new adjective could he pin on himself? He was tired. Tired of himself.
Cloud let his legs slowly swing over the side of his bed, pulling his head up as best he could. His body was weak from the long sleep, and he could feel a low pounding in the back of his head, a heat induced headache not far from springing up.
The voices outside the room seemed unfamiliar, but Cloud was fairly sure they weren't any threat to him. If they were some sort of Shinra officers here to kick him out, they would have already been at his bedside. None of them were Zack, either, and Cloud couldn't help but sigh from relief, glad that he wouldn't have to face Zack so soon after ... well, whatever it was that had happened.
He stood slowly, ruffling his sweat soaked hair into it's usual shape, and moved for the door, craving water like nothing before. His dreams always did a bit to take it out of him, and his current insatiable thirst outweighed his desire to stay out of sight.
The door opened silently enough, exposing three young recruits in his small living room. Kail sat on the floor, facing him, while his two friends stretched themselves out comfortably on the small love seat.
"Oh, hey, you're up?" Kail asked, looking over to Cloud. The blond nodded slightly, still rubbing the side of his pillow-creased face.
The blond made his way into the kitchen, digging violently for a glass, and filling it up as quickly as he could. He heard Kail murmur something, and turned back.
Kail grinned when he met Cloud's gaze, and quickly turned back to his friends. "He fainted yesterday," he said. Cloud felt his stomach drop as he swallowed the last bit of water. Oh god, he knew? He knew what a pathetic excuse he was, fainting at the sight of his hero?
Cloud turned, setting the glass down, ready to go back into his room. He had a brief dilemma with himself, realizing there was nowhere to hide once he went back in. Kail's friends murmured to themselves, and Cloud knew escaping them was inevitable. It wasn't as though a person could spend time around the blond and not come to the same conclusion eventually. Pathetic.
"Yeah," Kail readjusted himself on the floor, "He was with Zack. You know, /Zack./ They were /fighting./"
"Fighting?" One of the boys looked to Cloud. "Jesus! You don't look hurt at all!"
Cloud returned the boys gaze, completely baffled. "... huh?"
"Yesterday, remember?" Kail grinned, watching Cloud. "You and Zack left to go train. He brought you back a little while after, saying that you had blacked-out after fighting with him."
Cloud stood still.
"Wow, I always thought if I had the chance to spar with a real SOLDIER I'd never make it back to talk about it,"
"Yeah, and a First Class one, at that."
"So why were you fighting?"
The blond watched the three boys, still not quite sure what had happened. "Well ... he ... " Cloud suddenly felt something. What if he just told the truth? "He's helping to train me." Three sets of eyes widened. Cloud almost smiled. "But, well, we were walking and ... he made me mad, so ... I hit him. And then we fought."
The room fell silent. The smaller of Kail's friends was the first to speak up. "You /hit/ him?"
Cloud nodded. They began talking at once, each exchanging their own Zack stories. The blond watched for a moment, seemingly forgotten in an instant. Well. He had forgotten the perks of knowing someone higher up, perhaps things weren't as bad as he had expected.
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The emotion was familiar. There would always be certain things that couldn't be helped, certain aspects of his life that would always haunt him. His breath left him in a flash as he hit the ground, sliding on the smooth floor, a horrible squeal of bare skin on tile. Both sides of his face were in flames now, one from the hit, the other from his skid. He stopped just short of the wall, his body horribly twisted from the land.
Aiden stood above him, his eyes ablaze. "Say that again."
Cloud forced himself not to whimper slightly as he pushed himself up on the arm he had landed on. He looked to the redhead, attempting a sneer through half a numb face. "You're a /fuck,/" the blond spat, a bit of blood in his mouth. Aiden's expression remained as constant as it had when he first said it, although it wasn't what had gotten him hit.
"I'll turn you in," the redhead said quietly, his hands hanging nonchalantly to his side. Funny, Cloud thought, when he had hit Zack, his hand had nearly broken. Aiden's hit had apparently not even left the smallest mark of a reminder on the redhead's fist.
"For what?" Cloud bent his legs, trying to pull them under himself to sit up. Aiden stepped forward, pulling the boy up to meet his eyes.
"You didn't fucking make it into Shinra," He whispered, despite the empty hallway. Cloud stared back into the other's own eyes, unafraid. "That fucking SOLDIER did it, didn't he? I could turn you both in, get you both kicked out."
"You don't even know what you're talking about anymore," Cloud managed to say, the blood from his split lip and the minor shake from the whole incident making his voice slightly uneven.
Aiden's grip tightened on the boy's shoulders. "Don't fuck with me," he said, not for the first time. Cloud smiled.
The second blow, Cloud realized, could have been avoided. The blond slumped to the ground again, the world spinning. Jesus, had he hit him in the temple? Couldn't you /die/ from that?
"You never know when to stop, do you, Strife?"
Cloud's world continued to shake, his eyes unable to focus through the ringing in his head. The pain was nothing, not when he could hide it. The boy tried to laugh, tried to do anything to show that the redhead's efforts were in vain. Of course, his constant dismissals of Aiden's threats were what had gotten him in trouble every time, but the blond just couldn't help himself.
"You don't have a fucking clue," Aiden mumbled, turning from the blond. Cloud tried to focus on his figure, sneering as he walked away.
The boy disappeared around the corner, but Cloud's glare refused to die. The blond kept one hand to the side of his face as he stood, grasping at the wall behind him for support. At least now he knew where Aiden stayed. He would be sure to avoid this hallway in the future.
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Cloud moved the pack of ice along the side of his face, shivering from the cold and from the sickening feeling as the bag moved over the large welts. He heard the door open in the other room, but felt no motivation to close the one to the bathroom.
"Hello?" Zack's voice rang out through the apartment, already far too familiar to Cloud. The blond yelled back an answer, knowing Zack would come in regardless. At least if he knew he was there he might not--
"What the hell happened to you?" Zack asked, his head already in the bathroom. Cloud jumped. How had he moved so fast?
"Jesus!" Cloud stood from his seat on the bathtub's side, moving to shut the door in the other man's face.
"What?" Zack put his foot in the door, watching Cloud with humor. "You know I have no shame. Besides, you're fully clothed."
"That's not the point," Cloud mumbled, his voice distorted through the bruises. Zack refused to move, and Cloud knew there was no point in trying to fight. He sighed, returning to his seat, the pack of ice never moving from his face.
"So what happened?" The dark haired man asked, walking into the small room.
"Fight," Cloud said quietly, cringing as he moved the ice up his face. Zack watched him with interest.
"Fight fight? Or training fight?" Suddenly his eyes went wide. "Wait, I didn't do that, did I?"
Cloud looked up to him, shaking his head. Zack grinned. "No, a ... just a regular fight."
"With who?"
The blond glared to the other man. "No one you'd know," he said softly.
"You never know, what's his name?"
The ice pack fell to Cloud's side as he sighed in exasperation. "What are you, my mother?"
Zack watched the blond for a moment, giving the question true thought.
"Aiden," Cloud said, before Zack could make any sort of comment. "He's ... he was the guy, at the prelims."
Zack nodded. "Oh yeah. Red hair? Shaggy? Kind of demonic looking? I remember him." He looked around the bathroom, the two men silent for a moment. Cloud knew the next question, he also knew that Zack knew. He was just trying to give it enough time. "So," Zack spoke up again, his gaze settling back on Cloud's bruises, "why'd you two fight?"
Cloud shrugged, taking the pack from his face and examining the melting ice inside. "I was thinking of going into the city, but we ran into each other, and ... well, he's not too fond of me," The blond was unsure of how much he should tell the other man. "but I suppose I do my part to rile him, too."
"I can see how you might have a slight talent in that," Zack said, smiling. Cloud only glared. "He's had it out for you for awhile, hasn't he?"
Cloud nodded, the ice returning to his swollen face. Zack moved to the counter across from the boy, pushing himself back until his legs dangled over the side. The blond suddenly felt a surge of emotions, and for reasons he failed to grasp, he felt as his apathetic exterior melted away to a horrific blush. He turned to the door, his eyes adverted as best as possible. Sitting in a bathroom in complete silence, talking about himself with someone else ... it wasn't entirely familiar.
"You all right?" Zack asked suddenly, obviously aware of Cloud's color. The blond nodded, not bothering to turn. Things were /far/ to awkward, he needed this to end.
"Are you just going to stay in here all day?" He asked softly. He saw Zack shift slightly out of the corner of his eye.
"I assumed we'd try to go train again today. Maybe we could make it to the room this time."
Cloud turned back slightly, already well aware of the massive grin Zack was shooting towards him. What exactly is it that drives friendly people on? Plain ignorance?
"Official training begins tomorrow," Cloud said, hoping he could take another route to get out of Zack's plans. "It'd be kind of pointless for you to help me when I'm already going to be working six hours a day or so. And when I'm not training, I have to go where they tell me to."
"Mmhmm," Zack examined the sink to his side, uninterested in what Cloud said. "You think six hours of training twice a week is enough?"
The blond turned fully this time, watching the other with slight surprise. "Well ... yeah."
"Well," Zack said, laughing slightly, "that's just too bad, isn't it? 'Cause you're going to be doing a lot more."
Cloud remained expressionless, not willing to give the other man the satisfaction of any sort of response.
"I was thinking about just nursing my wounds for tonight," he said finally, Zack not showing any signs that he was going to leave.
"Those are hardly wounds," He answered earnestly. "Besides, you're not going to train with your face now, are you?"
The blond furrowed his brow, staring at Zack to see if he was truly serious. The black haired man grinned, and Cloud sighed, releasing his will to fate. After all, it seemed to have a fairly well-set plan.
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It had been only been three days of training by the time Cloud decided to accept a few things. Training was training, after all, and if someone like Zack wanted to make him stronger, help him towards his goal, then he should let him do that, right? That, and the soldier seemed to have a fairly decent supply of money, and was more than willing to spend it on various vended products, Cloud's entire life apparently now supplied in a dark, humming machine in the back corners of Shinra.
"Then there was this intern, I think her name was Jennifer," Zack stared out the nearby window, resting against the wall. Cloud looked to him with distaste.
"You /think./"
Zack turned. "Well, yeah, I mean nothing ever happened, she just had this thing for me. I was already with ... oh, god, who was it then?"
Cloud scowled, taking another swig from the can in his hands. How on earth had they ended up on this subject?
"Karleen? Yeah, I think it was her." Zack continued to murmur to himself, going over his long list of relationships in his mind, and filling Cloud in on the random uttered details.
Cloud set down the half empty can, doing his best to rid his mouth of the atrocious taste. Coffee was never his thing, and when it came in a can, it could only be worse. "So," Cloud kept his gaze forward, completely worn from a day of constant activity, his demeanor placid as he rested. He blamed that for why he actually encouraged the conversation. "You've never had a relationship that lasted more than a matter of weeks, is that it?"
Zack turned sharply, his brow furrowed. "I never said that." He looked back to the window, Midgar's horizon surprisingly unattractive. "Before I joined here there was this girl, we were together for a bit. I suppose it was fairly serious."
The blond nodded, not entirely interested. The man was a whore, plain and simple. Whatever temp that had walked by them, triggering the conversation was nothing more than a simple check in a long list of names.
"Yeah," Zack continued, hugging his knees to his chest. "But then I came here. She knew it would be hard to see each other. Besides, I'm sure she's found someone new by now, anyway."
Cloud nodded, staring off into the distance. What of his own relationships? Or ... lack thereof, really. Not the easiest thing to discuss, and the blond already knew the next question out of Zack's mouth.
"So what about you?"
The blond remained silent, the question already asked to himself. Zack let him sit, and finally he shook his head. "No." Cloud looked to the floor absentmindedly. For some reason he didn't seem to mind telling the other man anything. Maybe because the worst he could do would be to poke fun at him until the day he died, and by the looks of it, he'd be doing that regardless. "I'm not one for relationships in general, especially not romantic."
"Get out," Zack said, standing up. "You? Anti-social? Come on."
Cloud shook his head slightly, glad that nothing else had come of his slight explanation. The dark haired man turned, walking around the small lounge. Cloud felt a small smile begin to creep up on him. He turned his gaze up, watching Zack's silhouetted figure against the large window.
Zack stood in silence for a moment before turning back to Cloud, a question already on his lips. Instead, the man noticed the emotion on the blond's face, and stopped, watching in questioning silence. Cloud's grin only grew.
"You're a slut." He said quietly. Zack's eyes narrowed as he examined Cloud. An expression then took him over that the blond couldn't identify.
"I'm not a slut." He said finally, after a brief internal deliberation.
Cloud continued to meet his eyes, sitting in silence, and Zack finally scowled, looking away from the accusation.
"I'm /not./ I'm nice to people, and if certain things happen it doesn't bother me. It's not like I don't care about them, I'm just too young for anything long term."
"So you just go around and ... " Cloud trailed off slightly, his arm moving slowly through the air as he tried to pin down what he needed to say, "get with everyone you can, because you don't have any stigmas on certain relationships?"
Zack threw his arms up as he looked back to Cloud. "It's supposed to be what a 'healthy outlook on relationships' is! But no! Because it's me, I'm just a whore!"
The blond looked to his hands curled in his lap, trying not to let Zack see his amusement. "Call it what you want, if it makes you feel better ... "
"Since when do you know so much about me?" Zack asked, pointing angrily at the blond.
"I thought that was my line," He replied, quietly.
"Don't get smart with me," Zack growled. Cloud shrugged slightly.
A nearby intern suddenly appeared in the room, absorbed in the files she was carrying. Cloud examined her, and the expression on Zack's face. The black haired man turned to Cloud, noticing the condemning look on his face, both men quite aware that Zack had a history with her, too.
"God dammit!" Zack yelled, pounding his fists downwards. Cloud put a hand to his face to hide the emotion as the intern looked to both of them, trying hard not to stop her steady pace, avoiding meeting Zack's eyes. "I am /not/ a /whore!/" He yelled, glaring at the blond. The woman stopped suddenly on the other side of the room, Zack's declaration obviously a bit unnerving. The dark haired man looked to her, and she turned quickly, walking out of the room.
The young recruit played with his can of coffee, rolling it on it's edges as he watched Zack pace the floor. The dark haired man continued to mutter to himself, the blond occasionally picking up random words and curses, most along the lines of "slut," and "not a," and "little blond prick."
Cloud smiled softly to himself, his head falling back against the wall as he watched the silent evening horizon out the windows, a dark haired shadow occasionally walking by, murmuring words to himself and casting glares back at him. For once, things seemed relatively complacent, and even the atrocious odor of canned coffee that seemed embedded in Cloud's uniform couldn't break that.
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Cloud stumbled in the door, his right shoulder aching and his leg sending spasms of pain through his entire body every step he took. The blond shut the door behind him quietly, praying silently to god that Zack would give him a day off for once.
"You're back early," Kail said, standing in the small kitchen, his hands in the sink. Cloud looked to him, limping slightly as he walked to the counter.
"Yeah, Zack had an important meeting, " Slowly the blond propped himself on a stool, leaning against the plastic bar counter, the only thing remotely close to a table they had. Kail nodded, still a bit too uninvolved in Cloud's affairs to show true interest.
He had barely spent any time in his new home the first few weeks of his time with Shinra. Zack had him up at the crack of dawn, in a small training room hidden somewhere in the corner of Shinra. He'd train there until he had to go where he was assigned; guard duty on one of the higher levels, escorting random officials to their destination, standing around crowded rooms to make the inhabitants as uncomfortable and nervous as they could be, whatever Shinra decided he was most apt for.
Then of course there were the days Shinra had set aside for training. Cloud loved those. Waking up early, training with a madman, then spending 6 hours with another, only to be re-found by the first madman and sentenced to a total of something around 16 hours of nonstop work. At least when he had guard duty he could let himself relax slightly, granted his partner didn't catch on to his plan, and report him to their superior officer for sleeping on the job.
After every day of work or training, Zack would be right on his heels, following the boy to the mess hall for dinner, making sure he ate enough to ruin any sort of excuse Cloud could throw at him about not having enough energy left to fight.
If the blond was lucky, he could crawl his way back to his apartment by eleven. Of course he was most frequently late, as the two would spend the last few hours of the day arguing the most insignificant of things. Mainly why Zack didn't seem to have a life, why Cloud was such a prick, or why either of them even bothered.
The better days didn't happen too often, but Cloud couldn't deny that they did. It was the kind of moment that was so completely inexplicable that the blond still couldn't fully understand why it had happened. Things like it had happened so rarely to him in the first place, having them occur so randomly didn't give him enough time to really study it.
Usually it started with a failed argument, both of them either too bored with yelling insults at each other or too frustrated that the other was so hard-headed that the situation somehow turned ... well, entertaining.
Cloud let his chin fall heavily into his hands as he leaned forward on the countertop. The night's events were odd. He felt guilty, somehow. Actually, he bordered very close on something he knew had to have been happiness, or at least extended amusement, but that in and of itself was probably what racked him with guilt.
They had argued, again, the same thing that they brought up every night. The blond thought hard to remember exactly what had happened, but knew he couldn't recall it. He had meant to say something, call the other man some sort of name, but it had come out ... wrong. Really wrong.
Zack had stopped completely, watching him with confusion. Cloud returned the stare, questioning what had been said. Finally the dark haired man's sword fell to the ground, it's deafening clatter overshadowed by it's owners own laugher as he tried to ask Cloud what in the hell he had just said.
Cloud tried to repeat it, but couldn't, his own laughter suddenly swelling up to the point of absurdity, his breath completely taken by it. The harder he tried to talk, the worse it was; the simple act of trying to remember it only made his laughter come harder. Cloud let it take him over, as he knew he couldn't control it, doubling over and covering his face as Zack tried to talk as well, both of them quite well on the verge of tears.
The blond watched as Kail put away the few glasses they owned, realizing solemnly that he really couldn't remember ... god, could he even say with any shred of honesty that he had laughed like that had at one point in his life?
It seemed so pathetic. He was guilty of something. He couldn't name it, but he knew it was there.
"Well I'm going to bed," Kail said, the last of the glasses put away. Cloud looked up, reminded of a world outside his own mind. The large man turned, heading for the bedroom. The blond had been around so rarely, it was no surprise the two roommates had nothing along the lines of a relationship.
Cloud almost laughed. As if his being there would have made it any more real. At least his constant work kept him out of the apartment, letting Kail live his own normal life, never having to worry about the silent figure that lived somewhere in the back room. The blond felt his head droop again, too tired to support it any longer. He pried his eyes from the wall he had been staring through, looking around slowly before standing and entering the room himself.
The two men silently went to their own sides. Cloud sat on the edge of his bed, his body aching for rest, and his mind begging for a resolution.
Why couldn't he just ... accept things? What would happen if he gave in? What would happen if he decided to let the world do what it wanted? It always seemed to get it's way in the end, perhaps he could just do his part to speed it up.
Zack wanted to help him reach his goal. For whatever reasons he may have had, he was helping him. Cloud surged for a moment as a thought came to him. He /could/ simply use the help as long as he was willing to give it, then if whatever motives he truly harbored surfaced, it wouldn't matter. He would still have all the time he had spent, and everything he had improved on.
He grimaced slightly, realizing what he was doing. Changing a situation so that there was no way he could get hurt. Pathetic, pathetic ...
He had to let someone in. God help him, he did. It wasn't as though he had even placed his emotions out on a ledge ever before. Everything that had happened to him was independent of himself. He hadn't shown anyone that had hurt him his true side, everything that occurred was completely beyond his ability to ever control.
The truth was, he never shown his real side to anyone. No one knew who he really was. There was no way he could know of any true rejection or betrayal, he had never let anyone reach him far enough to do so.
So, what then? Let himself open up? Let himself act human? It still seemed pathetic, to have to make such a deliberation over whether or not to let someone really know him ... but then again, had there even been anyone before that had /wanted/ to know him?
Maybe the truth was that he just didn't know how to go about it. He had never been of any interest to anyone, and now that he had been singled out, it seemed as though changing his own stead-fast rules was inevitable.
God. He let himself fall onto his back, the mattress squeaking as he bounced slightly. The single table lamp next to him set the room in a soft comforting glow, and Cloud let himself drift off slightly, the pain dealt to him by the day's activities suddenly insignificant to the desire to sleep. He knew there was anxiety somewhere, his own inhibitions and fear surfacing as he tried to decide how to continue to act, but that too was silenced.
Slowly he turned, clicking the nearby lamp off, and fell back to his spot. Whatever had to come could come, at that moment, there was nothing but himself falling into the darkness, letting his own world of comfort take him.
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FF7 Fan Fiction
Chapter 4
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/No!/
--!
And as quickly as it came, it was gone. Cloud could feel the sweat on the back of his neck, the way his hair had been padded down by it, the suffocating heat suddenly upon him as his eyes focused on the whiteness around him.
He wasn't in Nibleheim. This wasn't ... his home. He could hear the beating of his own heart through the mattress, shivering from the exposure of his back and neck, fearing what the dream had shown. His breath was fast, and he rolled onto his back as quickly as he could, protecting himself from behind, his hand to his chest as he tried to contain his heart, his eyes wide and unfocused on the ceiling.
It was a dream-- it had to be. His thoughts began to focus along with his sight, the new surroundings clicking into place as his breath evened out. The first time he had ever woken up in his new home. Cloud let his muscles relax, his eyes shutting slightly. He was used to the dreams, it was just a matter of letting himself slowly return to reality.
The world returned, as it always did, and Cloud could hear low talk in the other room, behind the closed door. The bedroom was silent, and Cloud knew the other occupant was gone. It was morning, the room bright enough even behind closed blinds to signify that. The low murmurs were slightly comforting, the idea that there were others so close completely reassuring.
Cloud frowned, suddenly. How had he gotten to his bed? He had unpacked, and Zack had come. They left together to train, and ... oh god, they had fought. Cloud cringed, rolling onto his side as he tried to block the thoughts, embarrassed to himself. He hit the other man, and had then wrestled for superiority. It was an impossible fight ... and he ...
The memory returned, and Cloud groaned out loud, burying his face into his sheets in attempt to hide. Sephiroth.
/"Come this spring ... I'm leaving this town for Midgar."/ Tifa had looked to him, her face soft in the moonlight.
/" ... All the boys are leaving our town."/ She turned, her eyes on the ground. Cloud had hardly noticed.
/"But I'm different from all of them. I'm not just going to find a job. I want to join SOLDIER. I'm going to be the best there is, just like Sephiroth."/
Tifa had turned then, examined him slightly before looking back, thoughts on her mind that Cloud hadn't bothered to even try and guess at. /"Sephiroth ... the great Sephiroth ... "/
Cloud stared into the nearby screen, his entire mind conflicted. He could barely handle memories of the night before, how was he expected to handle memories of his home? But ... he had meant it. What he told her that night, it was true. He had never told her the reasons that involved /her/ ... Just like he wouldn't tell any member of Shinra the reasons that involved Sephiroth.
He nearly cringed again, suddenly feeling as though he had two separate lives. Who was he, then, really? Was he still the scared little boy who was powerless to help the one person he wanted to protect? Was he still the timid, silent child that felt he deserved the blame for everything? Or was he this seemingly new Cloud ... the boy that had joined Shinra to follow his dream and become like the infamous, god-like figure he had worshipped from afar? Hell, or was he just the pain in the ass recruit that went around punching other SOLDIERs, and wrestling with them on the floor?
Whatever he was, whichever persona he chose to inhibit once he worked up the motivation to step out of his bed, he hated them all. All the Clouds that existed ... the blond furrowed his brow, resting it against his fisted hand. He still felt as though none of them were the true Cloud. Of course, he didn't know who that was, he had lived too long as something else to even be sure. But he knew there was someone there ... there had to be. If he was truly any of those personalities deep down, then how could he separate them from each other? How could he play the omnipotent being that watched all the people he portrayed as they played out their lives? There had to be another Cloud.
Introspection, Cloud thought, his gaze placid as his emotions gradually faded, was a horrible skill. He let his thoughts be silenced ... at least about all internal dealings. There was nothing he could do about the one prevailing thought in his mind. Zack.
What had happened? He vaguely remember the wave of nausea that overtook him when he realized just how close he was to ... well ... /him,/ so had he passed out? If he had, then did that mean that Zack had brought him back to his apartment?
No, why would he? Although ... he had made it painfully clear that he wanted to "help" the poor boy, but after their brief power struggle, Cloud wasn't sure how badly the other man would want to do anything remotely close to him ever again. Maybe he had just left him there, on the ground. Some clueless official could have spotted him and used his ID to take him back home.
It wouldn't have surprised him in the least. So, what new self-hating thoughts could he come up with? What new adjective could he pin on himself? He was tired. Tired of himself.
Cloud let his legs slowly swing over the side of his bed, pulling his head up as best he could. His body was weak from the long sleep, and he could feel a low pounding in the back of his head, a heat induced headache not far from springing up.
The voices outside the room seemed unfamiliar, but Cloud was fairly sure they weren't any threat to him. If they were some sort of Shinra officers here to kick him out, they would have already been at his bedside. None of them were Zack, either, and Cloud couldn't help but sigh from relief, glad that he wouldn't have to face Zack so soon after ... well, whatever it was that had happened.
He stood slowly, ruffling his sweat soaked hair into it's usual shape, and moved for the door, craving water like nothing before. His dreams always did a bit to take it out of him, and his current insatiable thirst outweighed his desire to stay out of sight.
The door opened silently enough, exposing three young recruits in his small living room. Kail sat on the floor, facing him, while his two friends stretched themselves out comfortably on the small love seat.
"Oh, hey, you're up?" Kail asked, looking over to Cloud. The blond nodded slightly, still rubbing the side of his pillow-creased face.
The blond made his way into the kitchen, digging violently for a glass, and filling it up as quickly as he could. He heard Kail murmur something, and turned back.
Kail grinned when he met Cloud's gaze, and quickly turned back to his friends. "He fainted yesterday," he said. Cloud felt his stomach drop as he swallowed the last bit of water. Oh god, he knew? He knew what a pathetic excuse he was, fainting at the sight of his hero?
Cloud turned, setting the glass down, ready to go back into his room. He had a brief dilemma with himself, realizing there was nowhere to hide once he went back in. Kail's friends murmured to themselves, and Cloud knew escaping them was inevitable. It wasn't as though a person could spend time around the blond and not come to the same conclusion eventually. Pathetic.
"Yeah," Kail readjusted himself on the floor, "He was with Zack. You know, /Zack./ They were /fighting./"
"Fighting?" One of the boys looked to Cloud. "Jesus! You don't look hurt at all!"
Cloud returned the boys gaze, completely baffled. "... huh?"
"Yesterday, remember?" Kail grinned, watching Cloud. "You and Zack left to go train. He brought you back a little while after, saying that you had blacked-out after fighting with him."
Cloud stood still.
"Wow, I always thought if I had the chance to spar with a real SOLDIER I'd never make it back to talk about it,"
"Yeah, and a First Class one, at that."
"So why were you fighting?"
The blond watched the three boys, still not quite sure what had happened. "Well ... he ... " Cloud suddenly felt something. What if he just told the truth? "He's helping to train me." Three sets of eyes widened. Cloud almost smiled. "But, well, we were walking and ... he made me mad, so ... I hit him. And then we fought."
The room fell silent. The smaller of Kail's friends was the first to speak up. "You /hit/ him?"
Cloud nodded. They began talking at once, each exchanging their own Zack stories. The blond watched for a moment, seemingly forgotten in an instant. Well. He had forgotten the perks of knowing someone higher up, perhaps things weren't as bad as he had expected.
--------------------------------
The emotion was familiar. There would always be certain things that couldn't be helped, certain aspects of his life that would always haunt him. His breath left him in a flash as he hit the ground, sliding on the smooth floor, a horrible squeal of bare skin on tile. Both sides of his face were in flames now, one from the hit, the other from his skid. He stopped just short of the wall, his body horribly twisted from the land.
Aiden stood above him, his eyes ablaze. "Say that again."
Cloud forced himself not to whimper slightly as he pushed himself up on the arm he had landed on. He looked to the redhead, attempting a sneer through half a numb face. "You're a /fuck,/" the blond spat, a bit of blood in his mouth. Aiden's expression remained as constant as it had when he first said it, although it wasn't what had gotten him hit.
"I'll turn you in," the redhead said quietly, his hands hanging nonchalantly to his side. Funny, Cloud thought, when he had hit Zack, his hand had nearly broken. Aiden's hit had apparently not even left the smallest mark of a reminder on the redhead's fist.
"For what?" Cloud bent his legs, trying to pull them under himself to sit up. Aiden stepped forward, pulling the boy up to meet his eyes.
"You didn't fucking make it into Shinra," He whispered, despite the empty hallway. Cloud stared back into the other's own eyes, unafraid. "That fucking SOLDIER did it, didn't he? I could turn you both in, get you both kicked out."
"You don't even know what you're talking about anymore," Cloud managed to say, the blood from his split lip and the minor shake from the whole incident making his voice slightly uneven.
Aiden's grip tightened on the boy's shoulders. "Don't fuck with me," he said, not for the first time. Cloud smiled.
The second blow, Cloud realized, could have been avoided. The blond slumped to the ground again, the world spinning. Jesus, had he hit him in the temple? Couldn't you /die/ from that?
"You never know when to stop, do you, Strife?"
Cloud's world continued to shake, his eyes unable to focus through the ringing in his head. The pain was nothing, not when he could hide it. The boy tried to laugh, tried to do anything to show that the redhead's efforts were in vain. Of course, his constant dismissals of Aiden's threats were what had gotten him in trouble every time, but the blond just couldn't help himself.
"You don't have a fucking clue," Aiden mumbled, turning from the blond. Cloud tried to focus on his figure, sneering as he walked away.
The boy disappeared around the corner, but Cloud's glare refused to die. The blond kept one hand to the side of his face as he stood, grasping at the wall behind him for support. At least now he knew where Aiden stayed. He would be sure to avoid this hallway in the future.
--------------------------------
Cloud moved the pack of ice along the side of his face, shivering from the cold and from the sickening feeling as the bag moved over the large welts. He heard the door open in the other room, but felt no motivation to close the one to the bathroom.
"Hello?" Zack's voice rang out through the apartment, already far too familiar to Cloud. The blond yelled back an answer, knowing Zack would come in regardless. At least if he knew he was there he might not--
"What the hell happened to you?" Zack asked, his head already in the bathroom. Cloud jumped. How had he moved so fast?
"Jesus!" Cloud stood from his seat on the bathtub's side, moving to shut the door in the other man's face.
"What?" Zack put his foot in the door, watching Cloud with humor. "You know I have no shame. Besides, you're fully clothed."
"That's not the point," Cloud mumbled, his voice distorted through the bruises. Zack refused to move, and Cloud knew there was no point in trying to fight. He sighed, returning to his seat, the pack of ice never moving from his face.
"So what happened?" The dark haired man asked, walking into the small room.
"Fight," Cloud said quietly, cringing as he moved the ice up his face. Zack watched him with interest.
"Fight fight? Or training fight?" Suddenly his eyes went wide. "Wait, I didn't do that, did I?"
Cloud looked up to him, shaking his head. Zack grinned. "No, a ... just a regular fight."
"With who?"
The blond glared to the other man. "No one you'd know," he said softly.
"You never know, what's his name?"
The ice pack fell to Cloud's side as he sighed in exasperation. "What are you, my mother?"
Zack watched the blond for a moment, giving the question true thought.
"Aiden," Cloud said, before Zack could make any sort of comment. "He's ... he was the guy, at the prelims."
Zack nodded. "Oh yeah. Red hair? Shaggy? Kind of demonic looking? I remember him." He looked around the bathroom, the two men silent for a moment. Cloud knew the next question, he also knew that Zack knew. He was just trying to give it enough time. "So," Zack spoke up again, his gaze settling back on Cloud's bruises, "why'd you two fight?"
Cloud shrugged, taking the pack from his face and examining the melting ice inside. "I was thinking of going into the city, but we ran into each other, and ... well, he's not too fond of me," The blond was unsure of how much he should tell the other man. "but I suppose I do my part to rile him, too."
"I can see how you might have a slight talent in that," Zack said, smiling. Cloud only glared. "He's had it out for you for awhile, hasn't he?"
Cloud nodded, the ice returning to his swollen face. Zack moved to the counter across from the boy, pushing himself back until his legs dangled over the side. The blond suddenly felt a surge of emotions, and for reasons he failed to grasp, he felt as his apathetic exterior melted away to a horrific blush. He turned to the door, his eyes adverted as best as possible. Sitting in a bathroom in complete silence, talking about himself with someone else ... it wasn't entirely familiar.
"You all right?" Zack asked suddenly, obviously aware of Cloud's color. The blond nodded, not bothering to turn. Things were /far/ to awkward, he needed this to end.
"Are you just going to stay in here all day?" He asked softly. He saw Zack shift slightly out of the corner of his eye.
"I assumed we'd try to go train again today. Maybe we could make it to the room this time."
Cloud turned back slightly, already well aware of the massive grin Zack was shooting towards him. What exactly is it that drives friendly people on? Plain ignorance?
"Official training begins tomorrow," Cloud said, hoping he could take another route to get out of Zack's plans. "It'd be kind of pointless for you to help me when I'm already going to be working six hours a day or so. And when I'm not training, I have to go where they tell me to."
"Mmhmm," Zack examined the sink to his side, uninterested in what Cloud said. "You think six hours of training twice a week is enough?"
The blond turned fully this time, watching the other with slight surprise. "Well ... yeah."
"Well," Zack said, laughing slightly, "that's just too bad, isn't it? 'Cause you're going to be doing a lot more."
Cloud remained expressionless, not willing to give the other man the satisfaction of any sort of response.
"I was thinking about just nursing my wounds for tonight," he said finally, Zack not showing any signs that he was going to leave.
"Those are hardly wounds," He answered earnestly. "Besides, you're not going to train with your face now, are you?"
The blond furrowed his brow, staring at Zack to see if he was truly serious. The black haired man grinned, and Cloud sighed, releasing his will to fate. After all, it seemed to have a fairly well-set plan.
--------------------------------
It had been only been three days of training by the time Cloud decided to accept a few things. Training was training, after all, and if someone like Zack wanted to make him stronger, help him towards his goal, then he should let him do that, right? That, and the soldier seemed to have a fairly decent supply of money, and was more than willing to spend it on various vended products, Cloud's entire life apparently now supplied in a dark, humming machine in the back corners of Shinra.
"Then there was this intern, I think her name was Jennifer," Zack stared out the nearby window, resting against the wall. Cloud looked to him with distaste.
"You /think./"
Zack turned. "Well, yeah, I mean nothing ever happened, she just had this thing for me. I was already with ... oh, god, who was it then?"
Cloud scowled, taking another swig from the can in his hands. How on earth had they ended up on this subject?
"Karleen? Yeah, I think it was her." Zack continued to murmur to himself, going over his long list of relationships in his mind, and filling Cloud in on the random uttered details.
Cloud set down the half empty can, doing his best to rid his mouth of the atrocious taste. Coffee was never his thing, and when it came in a can, it could only be worse. "So," Cloud kept his gaze forward, completely worn from a day of constant activity, his demeanor placid as he rested. He blamed that for why he actually encouraged the conversation. "You've never had a relationship that lasted more than a matter of weeks, is that it?"
Zack turned sharply, his brow furrowed. "I never said that." He looked back to the window, Midgar's horizon surprisingly unattractive. "Before I joined here there was this girl, we were together for a bit. I suppose it was fairly serious."
The blond nodded, not entirely interested. The man was a whore, plain and simple. Whatever temp that had walked by them, triggering the conversation was nothing more than a simple check in a long list of names.
"Yeah," Zack continued, hugging his knees to his chest. "But then I came here. She knew it would be hard to see each other. Besides, I'm sure she's found someone new by now, anyway."
Cloud nodded, staring off into the distance. What of his own relationships? Or ... lack thereof, really. Not the easiest thing to discuss, and the blond already knew the next question out of Zack's mouth.
"So what about you?"
The blond remained silent, the question already asked to himself. Zack let him sit, and finally he shook his head. "No." Cloud looked to the floor absentmindedly. For some reason he didn't seem to mind telling the other man anything. Maybe because the worst he could do would be to poke fun at him until the day he died, and by the looks of it, he'd be doing that regardless. "I'm not one for relationships in general, especially not romantic."
"Get out," Zack said, standing up. "You? Anti-social? Come on."
Cloud shook his head slightly, glad that nothing else had come of his slight explanation. The dark haired man turned, walking around the small lounge. Cloud felt a small smile begin to creep up on him. He turned his gaze up, watching Zack's silhouetted figure against the large window.
Zack stood in silence for a moment before turning back to Cloud, a question already on his lips. Instead, the man noticed the emotion on the blond's face, and stopped, watching in questioning silence. Cloud's grin only grew.
"You're a slut." He said quietly. Zack's eyes narrowed as he examined Cloud. An expression then took him over that the blond couldn't identify.
"I'm not a slut." He said finally, after a brief internal deliberation.
Cloud continued to meet his eyes, sitting in silence, and Zack finally scowled, looking away from the accusation.
"I'm /not./ I'm nice to people, and if certain things happen it doesn't bother me. It's not like I don't care about them, I'm just too young for anything long term."
"So you just go around and ... " Cloud trailed off slightly, his arm moving slowly through the air as he tried to pin down what he needed to say, "get with everyone you can, because you don't have any stigmas on certain relationships?"
Zack threw his arms up as he looked back to Cloud. "It's supposed to be what a 'healthy outlook on relationships' is! But no! Because it's me, I'm just a whore!"
The blond looked to his hands curled in his lap, trying not to let Zack see his amusement. "Call it what you want, if it makes you feel better ... "
"Since when do you know so much about me?" Zack asked, pointing angrily at the blond.
"I thought that was my line," He replied, quietly.
"Don't get smart with me," Zack growled. Cloud shrugged slightly.
A nearby intern suddenly appeared in the room, absorbed in the files she was carrying. Cloud examined her, and the expression on Zack's face. The black haired man turned to Cloud, noticing the condemning look on his face, both men quite aware that Zack had a history with her, too.
"God dammit!" Zack yelled, pounding his fists downwards. Cloud put a hand to his face to hide the emotion as the intern looked to both of them, trying hard not to stop her steady pace, avoiding meeting Zack's eyes. "I am /not/ a /whore!/" He yelled, glaring at the blond. The woman stopped suddenly on the other side of the room, Zack's declaration obviously a bit unnerving. The dark haired man looked to her, and she turned quickly, walking out of the room.
The young recruit played with his can of coffee, rolling it on it's edges as he watched Zack pace the floor. The dark haired man continued to mutter to himself, the blond occasionally picking up random words and curses, most along the lines of "slut," and "not a," and "little blond prick."
Cloud smiled softly to himself, his head falling back against the wall as he watched the silent evening horizon out the windows, a dark haired shadow occasionally walking by, murmuring words to himself and casting glares back at him. For once, things seemed relatively complacent, and even the atrocious odor of canned coffee that seemed embedded in Cloud's uniform couldn't break that.
--------------------------------
Cloud stumbled in the door, his right shoulder aching and his leg sending spasms of pain through his entire body every step he took. The blond shut the door behind him quietly, praying silently to god that Zack would give him a day off for once.
"You're back early," Kail said, standing in the small kitchen, his hands in the sink. Cloud looked to him, limping slightly as he walked to the counter.
"Yeah, Zack had an important meeting, " Slowly the blond propped himself on a stool, leaning against the plastic bar counter, the only thing remotely close to a table they had. Kail nodded, still a bit too uninvolved in Cloud's affairs to show true interest.
He had barely spent any time in his new home the first few weeks of his time with Shinra. Zack had him up at the crack of dawn, in a small training room hidden somewhere in the corner of Shinra. He'd train there until he had to go where he was assigned; guard duty on one of the higher levels, escorting random officials to their destination, standing around crowded rooms to make the inhabitants as uncomfortable and nervous as they could be, whatever Shinra decided he was most apt for.
Then of course there were the days Shinra had set aside for training. Cloud loved those. Waking up early, training with a madman, then spending 6 hours with another, only to be re-found by the first madman and sentenced to a total of something around 16 hours of nonstop work. At least when he had guard duty he could let himself relax slightly, granted his partner didn't catch on to his plan, and report him to their superior officer for sleeping on the job.
After every day of work or training, Zack would be right on his heels, following the boy to the mess hall for dinner, making sure he ate enough to ruin any sort of excuse Cloud could throw at him about not having enough energy left to fight.
If the blond was lucky, he could crawl his way back to his apartment by eleven. Of course he was most frequently late, as the two would spend the last few hours of the day arguing the most insignificant of things. Mainly why Zack didn't seem to have a life, why Cloud was such a prick, or why either of them even bothered.
The better days didn't happen too often, but Cloud couldn't deny that they did. It was the kind of moment that was so completely inexplicable that the blond still couldn't fully understand why it had happened. Things like it had happened so rarely to him in the first place, having them occur so randomly didn't give him enough time to really study it.
Usually it started with a failed argument, both of them either too bored with yelling insults at each other or too frustrated that the other was so hard-headed that the situation somehow turned ... well, entertaining.
Cloud let his chin fall heavily into his hands as he leaned forward on the countertop. The night's events were odd. He felt guilty, somehow. Actually, he bordered very close on something he knew had to have been happiness, or at least extended amusement, but that in and of itself was probably what racked him with guilt.
They had argued, again, the same thing that they brought up every night. The blond thought hard to remember exactly what had happened, but knew he couldn't recall it. He had meant to say something, call the other man some sort of name, but it had come out ... wrong. Really wrong.
Zack had stopped completely, watching him with confusion. Cloud returned the stare, questioning what had been said. Finally the dark haired man's sword fell to the ground, it's deafening clatter overshadowed by it's owners own laugher as he tried to ask Cloud what in the hell he had just said.
Cloud tried to repeat it, but couldn't, his own laughter suddenly swelling up to the point of absurdity, his breath completely taken by it. The harder he tried to talk, the worse it was; the simple act of trying to remember it only made his laughter come harder. Cloud let it take him over, as he knew he couldn't control it, doubling over and covering his face as Zack tried to talk as well, both of them quite well on the verge of tears.
The blond watched as Kail put away the few glasses they owned, realizing solemnly that he really couldn't remember ... god, could he even say with any shred of honesty that he had laughed like that had at one point in his life?
It seemed so pathetic. He was guilty of something. He couldn't name it, but he knew it was there.
"Well I'm going to bed," Kail said, the last of the glasses put away. Cloud looked up, reminded of a world outside his own mind. The large man turned, heading for the bedroom. The blond had been around so rarely, it was no surprise the two roommates had nothing along the lines of a relationship.
Cloud almost laughed. As if his being there would have made it any more real. At least his constant work kept him out of the apartment, letting Kail live his own normal life, never having to worry about the silent figure that lived somewhere in the back room. The blond felt his head droop again, too tired to support it any longer. He pried his eyes from the wall he had been staring through, looking around slowly before standing and entering the room himself.
The two men silently went to their own sides. Cloud sat on the edge of his bed, his body aching for rest, and his mind begging for a resolution.
Why couldn't he just ... accept things? What would happen if he gave in? What would happen if he decided to let the world do what it wanted? It always seemed to get it's way in the end, perhaps he could just do his part to speed it up.
Zack wanted to help him reach his goal. For whatever reasons he may have had, he was helping him. Cloud surged for a moment as a thought came to him. He /could/ simply use the help as long as he was willing to give it, then if whatever motives he truly harbored surfaced, it wouldn't matter. He would still have all the time he had spent, and everything he had improved on.
He grimaced slightly, realizing what he was doing. Changing a situation so that there was no way he could get hurt. Pathetic, pathetic ...
He had to let someone in. God help him, he did. It wasn't as though he had even placed his emotions out on a ledge ever before. Everything that had happened to him was independent of himself. He hadn't shown anyone that had hurt him his true side, everything that occurred was completely beyond his ability to ever control.
The truth was, he never shown his real side to anyone. No one knew who he really was. There was no way he could know of any true rejection or betrayal, he had never let anyone reach him far enough to do so.
So, what then? Let himself open up? Let himself act human? It still seemed pathetic, to have to make such a deliberation over whether or not to let someone really know him ... but then again, had there even been anyone before that had /wanted/ to know him?
Maybe the truth was that he just didn't know how to go about it. He had never been of any interest to anyone, and now that he had been singled out, it seemed as though changing his own stead-fast rules was inevitable.
God. He let himself fall onto his back, the mattress squeaking as he bounced slightly. The single table lamp next to him set the room in a soft comforting glow, and Cloud let himself drift off slightly, the pain dealt to him by the day's activities suddenly insignificant to the desire to sleep. He knew there was anxiety somewhere, his own inhibitions and fear surfacing as he tried to decide how to continue to act, but that too was silenced.
Slowly he turned, clicking the nearby lamp off, and fell back to his spot. Whatever had to come could come, at that moment, there was nothing but himself falling into the darkness, letting his own world of comfort take him.
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