Forgotten Daze
FF7 Fan Fiction
Chapter 5
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"God dammit!" Cloud cried, hopping away on one foot as he held his arm to his chest.
"Well stay out of the way, then!" Zack called after, scowling and letting the tip of his weapon fall to the ground. "A key method to fighting is learning not to stand in your enemy's weapon's path!"
"Well maybe you shouldn't use a real fucking sword!" Cloud yelled, his cut forearm in his mouth as he tried to ease the pain.
"What do you want me to use, then? A rubber one?"
"Why do you even /use/ a sword?!" There was a bit of blood on the blond's lips now, his vampiric stance slightly humorous, although Zack was far more irritated than he was amused. "Jesus, you know they did invent this thing called a /gun./"
Zack mumbled a curse to himself, picking his large sword off the ground again. "Guns are for shitty soldiers," he said quietly, hoping that Cloud did hear. "Besides!" His voice picked up, "Can you defend yourself against a sword blow with just a stupid fucking machine gun?!"
"No," Cloud turned, his unhurt arm grasping the other tightly, "but I could pump a good five rounds into your head before you reached me."
"Would you rather me have /shot/ you?" Zack asked.
"You could teach me /hand to hand/ fighting, you know!"
Zack made a low, unappreciative noise, brushing the comment off with one hand. "What do you know, anyway." The black haired man turned, walking from the room. Their time was done. Cloud continued to mutter to himself, following after, his arm still squeezed tightly by the other.
"I suppose you'll want a bandage," Zack said after a bit, leading the blond into a small locker room. Cloud made no attempt to reply, but Zack began his forage into the medical bin regardless. He heard the other move across the room, sitting down on a bench. "Bloody Shinra ... " Zack dug deeper into the small container, silently praying that he wouldn't accidentally prick himself with some pre-used hypodermic needle.
The locker room was empty and silent, save for the soft clutter of Zack's work, and the occasional ruffle as Cloud changed behind him. The dark haired soldier's hands brushed against what he wanted, and he stood, looking over his shoulder to a shirtless Cloud.
"Here," Zack said, tossing a roll of gauze to the blond. He caught it easily, turning around to bandage himself.
Zack looked around the room silently, aware suddenly that he had managed to work up a sweat during their routine. It had been perhaps the very first time Cloud had managed to keep up with him. The blond seemed to have had an unusual amount of pent-up aggression.
Settling down onto a nearby bench, Zack stretched his legs away from him, staring through Cloud as his muscles relaxed.
"You know, you're not too bad," He said randomly, his thoughts freeing themselves as he drifted off. The blond finished his job, turning back to a small locker to retrieve a clean shirt. He made a soft noise of inquisition, but Zack knew he wasn't paying attention. "You've got potential, I mean."
Cloud pulled an oversized t-shirt over his head, his spikes emerging untouched. He turned to Zack as he pulled it down, slight curiosity in his eyes. "Potential?" He repeated, almost smiling.
"Yeah," Zack let his head fall back against the metal doors, "I mean, if you worked on your confidence a bit more."
The blond scowled as he sat, reaching for his boots. "You're not going to tell me that if I believe in myself, anything is possible, are you?"
"Oh, by no means!" Zack grinned. "But don't underestimate a soldier who'll rush into battle despite the odds."
"You're telling me to be a headstrong idiot, then? I was wondering when you'd start trying to mold me into another you."
This time Zack scowled, sitting up straight. "I'm serious, Spike. You could do really well here. You just need confidence."
"Just confidence?" Cloud asked, his voice full of cynicism. Zack shrugged slightly.
"Well, that and better footwork. And timing. And a better stance. And quicker reflexes."
Cloud stopped, one shoe on, looking to Zack. "But other than that."
"Yeah. See, this is what I mean. You don't even believe that I think you have talent."
The blond fell silent as he finished dressing, standing once he was done. Zack remained in his place, his eyes unfocused as he gazed downward.
"Why did you call me Spike?"
"Huh?" Zack looked to him, obviously having forgotten he had even said it. Cloud stood still, looking back to him with interest. "Oh, you know, 'cause of your hair."
Cloud furrowed his brow, watching Zack closely. "/My/ hair?"
Zack watched him for a moment, not fully understanding. Finally Cloud sighed, unconsciously running and hand through his own set of spikes.
"I think you're the worse offender here," the blond said, his eyes closed. Comprehension dawned on the SOLDIER.
"Hey!" He said, finally understanding it enough to feign being hurt. "You think I can help it? That thing's got a mind of it's own!" He pointed to his head. A faint smile began to creep up on Cloud, and Zack felt himself grin as well.
He had nearly forgotten the new experience: Cloud could smile. When it had happened at first, the black haired soldier had thought it a fluke. There was no way someone so focused on appearing uninterested and unattached could let themselves slip so easily. But then it happened again, and again, and even again, until such things seemed almost /normal./
It was incredibly amazing, and a feeling of guilt began to take Zack over the longer he was around him. Making Cloud smile or laugh did more for him than anything else, and the sickening accusation that the only reason he did it was to make /himself/ happy had to be constantly pushed aside in his mind.
"Where is everyone, anyway?" Cloud asked, drawing Zack from his thoughts. He shrugged, standing up as well.
"Who knows. I suppose out carousing. It /is/ Friday night after all."
Cloud fell silent and Zack took the lead, their typical destination in mind. He hadn't bothered to change, he may have finally gotten a slight workout, but it was nothing that required new clothes, at least, nothing like the sweat-soaked blond behind him. Zack could hear Cloud behind him, doing his best to remain silent, though Zack's artificially high-tuned senses were quite aware of his slight breathing, and the hesitance that hung around him.
"Something on your mind?" He asked finally, coming up to a small balcony overlooking a large, plush Shinra waiting room. Cloud made a small noise as he attempted to speak, but silenced himself. Zack turned, taking in Cloud's meek stance, one arm holding the other as it hung to his side like a child. "Spike?"
Cloud's expression changed instantly, his timid curiosity quickly flaming into all-too-familiar irritation. "Don't call me that," He said flatly. Zack only grinned. Cloud groaned, putting a hand to his forehead as he realized his fatal mistake. Any utterance that Zack's annoyance had succeeded was guaranteed to keep him doing it as long as humanly possible.
"But really," Zack said, trying to get back to Cloud's original emotion, "what's wrong?" Again the blond's expression changed, his eyes turned away as quickly as the question had come. He shrugged, attempting a smile. "Nothing, forget it."
"No." Zack stepped closer, causing the blond to mirror the movement, stepping back quickly. Zack rolled his eyes, tired of having to break down the walls on his own. "Tell me or I'm not buying you dinner."
Cloud's eyes narrowed even as he continued to back away from Zack's approaching figure. "You already said you weren't going to. Remember? I tripped you when you were trying to--"
"I know what I said!" Zack sighed out of frustration. "Well now I'm really not going to! Tell me!"
"It's nothing, really!" Cloud held his hands up in defense. "I just, well, it's like you said, you know? It's Friday and most people are out having fun." The dark haired soldier stopped his approach, and Cloud finally straightened up. "I was just wondering why, you know, you weren't out too."
Zack scoffed suddenly. "Aren't we out right now?" Cloud looked around the empty hallway. "Come on, I'm tired of packaged food. How about we actually go somewhere?" Cloud looked to Zack, who, surprisingly enough, was already engrossed in a face-splitting grin. "Like you said, it's Friday! We should enjoy our weekend."
" ... Aren't you--"
"Yes," Zack beat Cloud to his line, staring up at the ceiling in mild frustration. "Yes I am going somewhere tomorrow for Shinra, I don't care, it doesn't make what I said any less valid. Now come on!"
Zack grabbed the blond by his arm, Cloud's eyes going wide as he was suddenly tugged along. Despite the near /month/ of what Zack assumed could have passed for a friendship in /some/ sort of culture, Cloud still could barely handle confrontation, flustering at the drop of a hat.
"W-what are you doing?" He asked, caught in an internal conflict. Zack could feel as he attempted to pull against his grip, but still struggled to keep up.
"I'm dragging you along," Zack answered, looking forward. Cloud squirmed behind him, another inaudible battle raging that only Zack picked up on.
"Why?"
"Because I'm hungry as hell, I have money that's burning a hole in my pocket, and you're just about the only person I don't mind spending it on right now."
Cloud made a dramatic decision to stop in his tracks. Zack sighed, realizing he'd have to comply for once. He turned to face another angrily confused expression, such a thing failing to surprise him anymore, as Cloud seemed quite capable of merging such emotions. "You want to go somewhere other than a vending machine for once?" he asked. Zack nodded. "Because for once you have money, even though being a SOLDIER first class pays a mind boggling amount?" Zack nodded again. "Why in the hell haven't you offered an actual restaurant ever before?"
Zack looked around. "Well ... cause ... Look, do you want to come or not? 'Cause I don't have to keep forcing you along, you know!"
The blond looked to the side, for once consciously chastising himself for smiling at the comment. Zack only sighed, grabbing his arm once more and pulling him along.
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The restaurant was bathed in a soft golden light, the low conversations and occasional titters of the patrons basking the entire room in a sense of decadence and luxury. All of which seemed to only pinpoint the fact that Cloud now sat at a center table, a giant oversized white t-shirt and baggy pants accentuating his mud caked boots and embedded locker room stench, sitting across from a now irate, completely disheveled soldier who was doing his best to frighten the waitress enough to never look another man in the eyes.
"Um, Zack?" Cloud let his fingertips rest on the edge of the table, tentatively looking to his friend to try and gain his attention.
"Well I don't /fucking care/ what he says!" Zack yelled, the waitress stepping back slightly from the outburst, her black tray held up to her chest in defense. "You tell that little ass-bitch that he can fucking tell it to my face!"
"Zack?" The argument had only gone on a few minutes, but apparently his patronage, as well as his outbursts, were more than common in the restaurant, as the other customers merely glanced over at the occasional obscenity, surprised by things the man could string together.
"Sir, it's not my place to--"
"I know what your place is! Just tell him that I'm not leaving, and if he's got a fucking problem with it he can fucking come and fucking kiss my ass in person!"
The waitress turned quickly, scurrying away before Zack could get his hand any closer to the butter knife he was slowly working towards.
" ... Zack?"
"What?!" Blue eyes blazed as they stared down at Cloud. The blond slunk down in his seat as Zack's anger failed to diminish. Finally the dark haired man sighed, sitting down hard and slamming his elbows onto the virgin white table.
"You gonna--"
"God damn fucking Shinra ass bitches," He muttered, his face buried in his hands. Cloud turned, unwilling to prod the subject any further.
He took to examining his surroundings again, trying to ignore the deep cusses that continued to flare from the opposite end of the table. The restaurant seemed extremely high class. Why someone like Zack would be a regular failed him. He couldn't decide if the image of Zack ordering truffle soup and a side of sherry was comical or just unsettling.
"It's ... nice," Cloud said softly, avoiding Zack's eyes. The other man looked up, but Cloud continued to stare to a nearby table.
"What is?" He asked, his voice still gruff.
"This place ... "
Zack sighed, leaning back in his seat. Cloud finally turned to him, his anger fading slightly as he rubbed his eyes. "Yeah, it's decent."
"Are you sure I'm really meeting the uh, dress code?" the blond asked, fingering the cheap undershirt he was sporting.
Zack nodded, breathing deeply as he let his mood return to it's neutral state. "Yeah, don't worry about it. I come here a lot so they know me. They wouldn't think of throwing a SOLDIER out anyway."
Cloud stared at the table. Not all his questions were fully answered, but he didn't feel up to pushing Zack's mood. "It's uh, it's ... pretty ... fancy."
The dark haired soldier looked to him, his eyes half shut in mild irritation as he picked up on the blond's true meaning. "I'm not fancy enough to come to a place like this?" he asked.
"Oh, no!" Cloud's hands shot up, waving the accusation away, despite it's truth. "I just meant--"
"Cloud."
" ... Yeah?"
"One day you're going to stop being so timid, and I'm going to have a fucking heart attack." Zack reached for his water, sipping it as he held his head up with his spare hand. "Anyway, despite it's looks, this place is pretty good. It's nice to know you there's a place you can order some escargot with a side of fries."
Cloud knitted his eyebrows together as he watched Zack stare into oblivion. Perhaps Mako affected mood swings, as well. He took note, watching a nearby party with a slight lack of interest, and was completely unaware of how long it had been since Zack turned once more, watching him silently.
"So what happened?" Zack asked, his voice snapping Cloud back to the table.
"Huh? About what?" The question had obviously caught him off guard, but Cloud was quick to tighten in his spot, dreading whatever the other man wanted to talk about.
Zack looked down, his chin still buried in his hand. "With Sephiroth?"
Cloud's expression remained constant. He was sure the question should have completely demolished him, but for some reason he couldn't fully understand it. Had he done something recently involving him? "What do you mean?"
"A couple weeks ago, when you freaked out."
Oh yeah, that. "Oh."
"I mean I'm pretty sure I know why, I just want to make sure."
The reality of it was surprisingly less harsh than the blond had anticipated. Perhaps it was because things had been going so awkwardly well lately, but he merely felt a small sinking sensation deep within his chest. He'd have to face it eventually, wouldn't he?
"It's not like it's anything surprising," Zack said, meeting Cloud's meek eyes. "I'm pretty sure it's the same for everyone."
"What do you mean?" Cloud asked, unsure of why he encouraged the conversation. Zack shrugged, his eyebrows raised.
"He's the best. He was made to be the best and he'll always be the best, everyone comes here because of him, and everyone stays here because of him." He looked around suddenly, frowning slightly. "It's not like you're any unique case, basically everyone loves him at some point."
"What?!" Cloud nearly choked on his own breath, whispering the harsh word as loud as he could so as not to gain anyone else attention. His eyes darted around the room before he leaned over the table, gaping at Zack. "What are you talking about?!"
Zack smiled. "It's hero worship, right? Everyone's got it."
"No!" Cloud sat in shock, unable to form a coherent sentence in his mind. "It's--no! I mean--"
"Oh, Jesus." Zack rolled his eyes. "Come on, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not accusing you of lusting after the man, I mean everyone basically worships him, whether they want to or not."
Cloud fell silent. "Oh."
Zack was busy ignoring him now, and Cloud was thankful. The sinking feeling returned, but this time the blond couldn't place why.
"And he's such a bastard," Zack mumbled. "Such a stupid fucking stiff-necked manipulative emotionless pretty boy ice prince bastard."
Cloud's expression finally fell, the blond staring to the table while Zack continued to mutter bitter curses toward his colleague. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but this obviously wasn't it.
"Are you ready to order?" A chirpy voice perked from the side of the table. Zack looked up from his brooding, and Cloud from his silent introspection.
Zack ordered something that sounded relatively foreign, and Cloud settled for one of the few things on the menu he recognized. Their table was shrouded in silence once the waitress (who, Cloud noted, was most obviously /not/ the original that Zack had managed to rip apart,) departed.
Cloud knew he would never find the words to say anything, to anyone. He hadn't been able to in Nibleheim, he sure as hell wouldn't be able to in Midgar. The table seemed to fall further into silence as Cloud picked up on Zack's own emotions. The two men were now both silent, despondent about their own personal dealings.
Unconsciously, the blond fingered the bandage around his arm, watching Zack's distracted figure. If the black haired soldier was down, then something was definitely wrong. Cloud shrouded his eyes, gazing down into his lap. Whatever it was, he wouldn't bother going anywhere near the subject. Being unable to deal with your own problems didn't make it any easier to deal with other's.
Cloud sat in silence, waiting for their dinner, knowing how the rest of the now awkward meal would play out. At least it was free.
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It was his first real break in nearly two weeks of nonstop training. Cloud sank deeper into his bed as he shut his eyes slowly, reveling in the warmth and silence. He was physically exhausted, pushed to every limit he had by Shinra's rigorous courses, and then toppled over the edge by Zack.
Despite his body's yearning for rest, his mind continued to race. He had nights like this before, nights when his thoughts were so prevalent in his mind that sleep simply wouldn't come. There had even been times when he had been so worried or anxious that even a day or more's lack of sleep couldn't lull him into the oblivion he craved.
Tonight, Cloud realized, turning slowly onto his side, was going to be one of those nights. His thoughts flew from conclusion to question, worry to shame, confusion to embarrassment. It was never ending, and the inability to pin down one specific emotion only made his eyes clench tighter, groaning audibly and tossing in his bed.
His roommate, the great hulking recruit that Cloud would have thought had lied about his young age, if not for the naive ignorance he seemed to simply spew every time his mouth was opened, was gone for the evening. Apparently Cloud wasn't the only one with a life. That was, if a 'life' could be considered a forced march of death by a complete buster sword wielding lunatic.
The blond frowned from under the covers, angry with himself that he'd ruin what was such a rarity in his life. A night away from Zack, away from the training rooms, allowed a full night's sleep, completely alone in his apartment ... All because he couldn't figure out what in the hell he was supposed to do.
/"Everyone loves him at some point,"/ Cloud dwelled on the words. Memories mixed together to form something that did nothing for the tightening sensation in his stomach.
/"Sephiroth ... the Great Sephiroth ... "/
Zack was wrong. How could anyone feel like he did? There were so many willing to throw their lives down for the great General, they would do anything for him, for a chance to gain recognition in his eyes. But none of it was anything more, was it?
It was a silent realization he had come to over time. Idol worship. He had put emotions to a face, a personality of his own dreams and desires to a picture on the front page. He had built something that wasn't real, something that /couldn't/ be real.
It would fail, inevitably, it would fail. It would crumble down as soon as he learned the truth, that the god he had constructed in his mind wasn't real. It couldn't even be possible. But still ... it was what he held on to.
What could he tell Zack, though? How could he explain something to the man when it was really Cloud who had no idea? He couldn't tell Zack the truth, not unless he figured it out first.
So, what then? Cloud knitted his eyebrows together, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He had come to Shinra to become stronger. To help people. To eliminate his weakness. His model all throughout had been one man, the man he had placed all his dreams on, the man who had exceeded humanity in his own mind.
Did he want to /be/ him? Cloud's head turned, half his face buried in his pillow. No, he wanted ... he wanted ...
His mother was distant. She was there for him, constantly mending his wounds, bandaging his cuts, going over his bruises. But she wasn't what he wanted. His family had always consisted of just her, what could he think of value? Family meant nothing to him, he had never had one.
Tifa? The tightening increased, butterflies in his stomach as anxiety continued to rise. All the children in Nibleheim. What did he want from them? Acceptance? Somewhere to go? Someone to talk to? Someone to listen to?
Embarrassment washed over him, twice as strong as he realized how pathetic it was so be so worried over his own actions, especially when they were all in his mind. He wanted them to accept him, but they never did. So he distanced himself. Made it so that /he/ was the one who didn't want anything to do with /them./ Things were easier that way.
But still, he had never been able to let go of the nagging that pulled at him constantly, the want and need of someone, anyone, near him, in any sense of the meaning.
So what had he done? He had created fantasy. The allure of a life in Midgar, of becoming stronger, of attaining status, of being recognized. Becoming like the great Sephiroth.
Everything he had placed on the man just grew over time, his own fictional Sephiroth so enticing and perfect ... he had made what he wanted. What he couldn't find anywhere, he made.
Cloud shifted in his bed quietly, the silence around him awkward. He curled up on his side, his arms wrapped around his bare chest.
So it was idol worship. It was what everyone else had ... but Cloud knew somehow, what he harbored within him was something beyond what anyone else could make. The word wouldn't come to the blond as he laid there, it was too dramatic, too final ... yet he knew it was true, it couldn't be anything /but/ true. He had to admit it to himself, had to let himself accept it. Simply living his life without naming it was futile, it wouldn't solve anything.
All forms of self-consciousness left him suddenly as he sighed. What would denying it do, in the end? Sephiroth was his hero, his god, his ... his idea of perfection. He would do anything for a chance ... for a chance for him to see ... that he loved him.
There was a new Cloud, the hidden one deep within him he'd never let out before. It heard the words, relief swelling within him. The truth would define him in the end, and for once Cloud felt his anxiety dissipate, silent acceptance comforting him. He couldn't live as someone else any longer ... he had to be true.
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The thick sound of air parting rang through Cloud's ears as the saber swung again and again. To the left, up, down, up again, out to the right, down once more, back to his original stance. A perfect star carved into the invisible enemy. Cloud let out a ragged breath, the tip of his weapon resting on the ground as he used his free hand to quickly wipe his forehead.
"Did you run?" Zack asked, walking in the quiet training room. Cloud was faced against the door, but didn't turn, lifting his sword onto his shoulder.
"Yeah, before I came."
"Good. I've got to be somewhere in a bit," the dark haired man said, moving to an adjacent wall and sitting down against it. "So you're on your own."
Cloud nodded, his hands shaking noticeably as he lifted the weapon once more, ready to repeat his motions. He stepped forward, a deep cut in the enemy's torso, pulling it out sharply and to the side, blocking the retaliating blow with the weapon's blade, before quickly shooting it to the side once again, cutting the neck line before another offensive attack could be had.
"'Could've gutted you before you even got it up past their shoulders." Zack said quietly. Cloud let the weapon fall to the ground once more, his hand aching as he continued to hold the handle tightly.
"I've been here for two hours," the blond said diminutively.
"If you can't keep up with yourself after only two hours, you're never going to make it."
The sword clattered as it slipped out of his tired hands. Cloud placed his now free hand on his side as he looked to the ground, his eyes closing. "Where are you going?" He asked, void of any real emotion.
"Meeting," Zack said, his voice equally empty. "There's an ex-SOLDIER somewhere up north. 'Been causing trouble in some town, Shinra wants to send someone to go retrieve him. They're either going to send me or Sephiroth, probably. They think he's pretty dangerous, and everyone else is gone to Junon for the month."
Cloud remained still, turned away from Zack slightly. "Sephiroth, huh?" He said, more to himself than the other. Zack ignored it anyway, one leg hugged to his chest as he stared to the ground.
"You know ... " Cloud let his hands fall to his side. He had to tell him. He had to do something, he had finally made a decision about his life, he couldn't go and ruin it now. The newfound Cloud wouldn't let him. "I really should ... tell you."
Zack looked up at the blond, his eyebrows raised in question. Cloud watched him over his shoulder, his body never moving. Zack waited for him to continue, and cocked his head slightly when he didn't. "Tell me what?"
Cloud turned away again. "You know me better than anyone else here," he said in a low tone Zack was easily able to pick up, "and ... I feel like by lying to you I'm ... lying to myself tenfold." The words surprised himself, and the blond stopped, thinking them over. It was true, wasn't it?
He heard Zack stand up, his shirt rubbing against the wall softly as he moved. Maybe this real Cloud was entirely made by the other man, maybe he had nothing to do with it at all. Whatever he told Zack, whatever he did around him, that was what slowly began to define the real Cloud.
The thought encouraged him. He couldn't hide his true self, what good would it do? A soft voice of dissent spoke up in his mind. The truth may be good, but who said he had to tell him? As long as he didn't lie, right? What did it even matter to the other man? Why was he pushing it upon him?
Cloud shook the thought away, sighing. "Well, it's ... " Cloud continued to stare away from him, slightly more comfortable in knowing he didn't have to face the other man outright. "I don't know, I'm not sure if there's any point in telling you, but I feel like ... I should. Just ... the other night at the restaurant, when you asked about Sephiroth ... "
Cloud intentionally trailed off, glancing back over his shoulder. Zack looked to him silently, his hands behind his head as he watched Cloud with an interest he tried to hide. "What about it?"
"Well ... there's ... " Cloud turned back, his words suddenly failing him. Why should he bother telling him this? What would he gain? Did he even have anything to lose? Was this so-called friendship they had so important to him? "I mean you said--but, I ... "
Suddenly, Zack laughed. Cloud turned quickly, meeting the other man's slightly amused eyes. "Oh come on, Spike," He said, grinning. Cloud failed to recognize the humor. "You don't give me nearly enough credit."
"What do you mean?" he asked softly, fearing the slightly manic soldier.
"I /mean,/" He said, placing his hands behind his back and pacing, "I know what you need to tell me, why you're afraid to tell me, and all that other stuff you've probably been pouring yourself over for god knows how long."
Cloud's eyes narrowed, anxiety quickly replaced with curiosity. "What are you talking about? How do you know what I'm going to say?"
Zack paused momentarily in his walk. "You said it's about Sephiroth, right?"
The blond turned once more, flushing slightly.
"And have you forgotten that I know you a hell of a lot better than you think?" Zack's grin was nearly audible. Cloud refused to turn. "I can read you like a book, don't try to deny it."
"I somehow doubt that ... " The blond murmured. Zack laughed.
"All right, let me guess, then," Zack sighed dramatically, still smiling as he paced. "You came here because you wanted to be like Sephiroth, you trained hard because you wanted to be like Sephiroth, and the more you stayed and the more you worked the more you realize just how much you /really wanted to be like Sephiroth./ But then somewhere along the way the lines between wanting to be /like him/ and be /with him/ blurred, because he is, in your mind and the mind of many others, the epitome of greatness and perfection, and now you're too embarrassed to tell me because you're afraid of what judgment I'm going to pass on you, or what I might do to ruin the reputation in Shinra you never bothered to build."
Cloud fell silent, looking back Zack without emotion. "Wh--"
"Seeing as how I'm right," Zack continued, his pace starting up again, "let's just agree to move on with our lives, as it really has no importance whatsoever to anything regarding either of us, and you can be confident that you told the truth and suffered no consequence from it."
Again the blond was silent, thinking over the words carefully. Finally his head turned up. "All right."
"Good, so anything else you need to tell me?"
Cloud looked to Zack, silently drawing his own conclusion from the speech. What else could he possibly know? Nibleheim? Tifa's father? His mother? The bridge on Mt. Nibel? "No ... Not yet, anyway."
Zack smiled. "All right, then, good, I'm running out of long winded speeches anyway. I've gotta get going, too, you should turn in early. No point burning yourself out when you're still in training."
Cloud nodded, unable to decide if he should have returned the other man's smile. Perhaps he had just misjudged an unspoken bond between them with the black haired soldiers complete and total insanity. Zack raised one hand in a wave, walking to the door with his hands behind his head.
That ... wasn't what he had expected. Cloud put a hand to his head, his trade-mark apathy suddenly taking him over as he struggled to comprehend the past few moments. Nothing came to him, and although Cloud knew he should have been grateful for the moment of blank feeling, he couldn't help but force himself back to reality, struggling to grasp what he knew he must have felt.
The room was empty now, Zack's footsteps dying out in his mind. Cloud continued to stand in silence, the sound of distant voices outside the room echoing quietly around him. Was he embarrassed? Zack now knew how he felt. Relief that he had actually done it, and that Zack had taken it so gracefully? Well, with as much grace as someone like Zack could allow, anyway. Still, Cloud's mind was blank, and he made a silent vow to himself to beat the emotionally suffocating facade he had built up around him.
Of course there was more than enough evidence for Zack to have come to his own conclusion /weeks/ ago. There was always the first time he had seen him, passing out in the hallway like the pathetic fan boy he seemed to be. Then there was the time in the bar, somewhere in the back alleys of Midgar. He had come in, looking for Zack. Cloud had gone to the bathroom, and watched the exchange through the crook of a door, eyes wide as he realized that -dear god- in terms of degrees of separation, he was /one bloody person away from Sephiroth./
Then there was the first time he had visited Zack's apartment, waiting for the man while he searched through his belongings with manic vehemence, cursing and yelling as his uniform continued to elude his grasp. Cloud had spotted something in the midst of his clothes. It was leather. Cloud had laughed, unable to imagine Zack in any such attire. Zack had only growled, saying that Sephiroth had left it there the last time they sparred. The words struck Cloud hard, a piece of the man's /clothing/ suddenly taking precedence in his thoughts.
/Then/ there was the other time they had passed him in the hall. Sephiroth hadn't even /looked/ at him, probably hadn't even noticed anyone asides from Zack, but my /god,/ Cloud could hear him /talk./ Reprimanding Zack for his earlier behavior, calling him something along the lines of a 'pathetic excuse for a SOLDIER,' but with much more grace. Even his /insults/ were like poetry.
Cloud sighed, ruffling his spikes unconsciously. All the tension he had stored within him faded, suddenly confident in his actions, even in his life. Everything that had happened suddenly hit him. All at once he felt as his feelings were defined. It wasn't anxiety, it wasn't anger, it wasn't even confusion. The blond placed a hand to his head once more as it took him over, the horrific feeling drawing him to the floor as he buried his face in his hands, the sheer insanity of everything he had been through striking him harder than anything else could have. Cloud made no attempt to snuff the feeling as it continued to grow in intensity, and let himself sit on the floor, his entire body shaking. Tears threatened to stream from his eyes as he continued to choke, supporting his torso with on hand, the other covering his mouth, his laughter completely out of his control.
He had no idea what was going on, in /any/ aspect of his life, but the laughter continued to pour out of him, everything that had happened since his entrance into Shinra was so completely insane, he realized the futility of his apathy, and let it all laugh himself into tears.
--------------------------------
So it was true. Zack sighed, letting his head rest on the wall of his apartment. He was alone for a moment, Shinra was off his back, as was Sephiroth. He had all the time he needed to think. And that, he realized, was the last thing he wanted to do. Of course he had rushed from the training room. Who knew what Cloud had thought, Zack admitting the boy's own feelings, and then leaving as quickly as he had said it.
His television buzzed in the background, mindless talk and colors flashing before his unfocused eyes. No matter how many distractions he presented himself, he knew he couldn't avoid his thoughts. Not only did such revelations mean so much in his relationship with the young recruit, but it also made him resent what he had, and the fact that he had to go face the same man in only a matter of minutes.
Of course everyone /loved/ him, he was their /god,/ after all, but Zack knew that for some people, it was something much more. But how could that be true? How could he even love? Cloud was analytical to a fault, couldn't he realize such idol worship was different than what he really wanted?
Zack scowled, looking to the ceiling. Sephiroth was, to be quite frank, an asshole. He was undeserving of the love and adoration the many hordes of Shinra soldiers were willing to give to their golden leader. He knew quite well the man's true emotions, and how quick he was to act, how little forethought he gave anything ... he could break someone so easily, even if he would regret it later, there was no way to deny his inability to realize the consequence of the actions.
It was hypocrisy, plain and simple. If someone were to hurt him, he would retaliate in the most deadly fashion. However, he would expect nothing from another if he were to hurt them. How someone so versed in military strategy, being able to foresee every single move of the enemy, could be so completely blind to such normal human emotions was beyond him.
Of course, Zack realized rather solemnly, he could only be condemning his General because it helped to shift the blame from himself. Was he lying then, too? Was it even that important to Cloud? How did he know he had such an impact on him? Would it end up being what broke him in the end? Simply because he couldn't find it in himself to tell the truth? How could he--
"Lieutenant?" A voice called from outside his door. Zack turned slowly, his thoughts cut off. He had hoped for a longer break before the meeting, but was also grateful to be broken from his own introspection.
He stood silently, feeling uncharacteristically quiet, and walked to the door, greeting the somewhat timid soldier there to escort him with a simple, forced smile. There were more pressing matters, anyway. At least he could comfort himself with the thought.
--------------------------------
"And how exactly did he get a hold of all the weapons?" Sephiroth asked, his voice wet with contempt. The official looked to him, an attempt at superiority failing as the SOLDIER stared back.
"Well, that would--He, well you see--"
"Would it have been Shinra?" The white-haired man asked, his arms crossed against his chest. Zack grinned from behind him. For once he was happy the other man was such a jackass, it made for quite the spectacle when faced with asinine Shinra politics.
"Y-Yes, yes it was Shinra who originally supplied him with weapons, but--"
"And this so called 'background check,'" Sephiroth continued, reaching for a nearby paper, "failed to arouse suspicion at the man's mental competence?"
"Well what happened was--"
"You knew the man was unstable."
"Yes-- well, no! I mean, we did /know/ but not--"
"You /knew./"
"Our reports labeled him as merely bipolar, it wasn't a concern to us at the time as he was fully capable of--"
"Tell me then," Sephiroth closed his eyes, crossing his arms once more as Zack took the report from his hands, "why exactly would you bother with a mental examination, if it's results mean nothing to a SOLDIER's final selection?"
"We have turned down applicants before because of the background check," the man continued, struggling to regain the upper hand. "This was a highly unusual case, the man was completely capable of taking care of his own mental state, and it was of no concern to us at the time, as he showed no signs of anything remotely like--"
"Remotely like what?" Sephiroth asked, his eyes open again, blazing as he stared down the other man, who now, for some reason, seemed unable to speak. "The ability to take an entire town hostage with the weapons cache so generously offered to him by you?"
The official shook his head, anger beginning to override his intimidation. Zack continued to leaf through the report, Sephiroth's indignation all too commonplace. "We had no way of knowing that he would lose it! He showed absolutely no outward signs of any kind of--"
"Celes," Another Shinra suit said, placing a hand on the bumbling official's shoulder. The man turned, his eyes ablaze as he was interrupted yet again. "Why don't you take a break, I'll handle it from here."
The first man grumbled, looking over at Sephiroth once more, before turning to leave. The second official flashed a slight smirk at the two men, one who stood at now perfect attention, his eyes glowing with condescension, and the other who was looking through a report, occasionally turning it sideways to view a picture, looking quite familiar with the action.
"I must apologize for my colleague," The man's eyes were only half open as he gazed at Sephiroth, no sense of fear in his voice. "You bring up a decent point, however, Shinra is not to blame."
"One of your own men took a horde of weapons to an innocent town, took it over, killed many anonymous civilians, and now holds the entire place for ransom, all because you let him slip through your filters."
"I assure you, /General/," The man smirked again, and Zack saw Sephiroth straighten in his stance slightly, the smug words quickly rising his ire. "His mental state was of no importance when we let him in. Everyone has their own quirks, so to speak, but if we were to be so strict in our actions, we wouldn't have any of our soldiers. I assure you, a pure mental state is extinct in this world, everyone has their own cross to carry, if not their own instability to deal with. You of all people should know that, General. You would not be here yourself if we were so rigorous."
Zack felt his stomach drop. There was an instant prick, Sephiroth's arms falling to his side as the words hit. He had to do something. "Let's get to the point," Zack said quickly, stepping forward so that half of his body shielded Sephiroth. The silver haired man didn't bother to look to him, his malevolent anger so apparent Zack thought he could take the room down in a single breath. "What do you want us to do?"
He felt as Sephiroth stood still, but was unwilling to let his breath out just yet. The official bowed his head, smiling. "Only you," He said quietly. "The General has other important things to attend to, we'll only be needing your services."
Zack furrowed his brow, watching the man. "I thought he was supposed to be extremely dangerous?"
"Oh, don't worry, our reports show that he is." The officer leaned back against the wall, his arms crossed, mimicking Sephiroth's previous stance, only with quite a greater deal of superiority. "However, the General has important business to take care of here at Shinra; it's been requested that he stay here. Since all of our other SOLDIERs of your status are currently gone, matters have been left up to you, Lieutenant."
The black haired soldier scowled, but was silenced by his companion. "May I inquire as to why I have been informed of this, if I'm not even to be any part of the operation?"
The man nodded slightly. "Of course you may. While you are requested to stay here, if your lieutenant is unable to fulfill his duties, you will be summoned to complete the task."
"So he's my janitor?" Zack asked, Sephiroth unable to speak fast enough to cut off such remarks. "He'll be there to clean up my mess?" The official chuckled, pushing himself from the wall until he stood once more.
"I don't doubt his abilities." Sephiroth said bluntly. Zack nearly eyed him curiously at the remark, but remained forward, not wanting to draw the officials attention.
The man smiled, and Zack felt the emotions passing between the two soaring through the air. Did they know each other? The officials words seemed to sting Sephiroth with an intensity he hadn't seen since he had caught a glimpse of him with one of Shinra's scientists, the short, insect like man known as Hojo. There had to be a past of some kind.
"Well then," The man spoke once more, watching Zack for the first time since he had taken over, "We would like it if you began preparations now. We have you scheduled to leave for Antei in five days."
Zack refused to nod, simply watching the man, unable to let him win when he was so obviously fighting his companion. He had his loyalties to keep, after all.
The official flashed one final smile towards the duo, picking up the reports and files that had been brought as reference material. He turned to leave the room, gazing over his shoulder once more as he neared the door. "Good luck, then, Soldier."
Zack scowled, the man's words finally beginning to rub against him as well. "Fucking hell," he murmured to the now closed door. "Who the fuck is he, anyway?" he asked, his arms crossed defiantly against his chest. Sephiroth made no reply, and Zack sighed, turning to face his friend. He had to have something to say, some bit of information to supply. His eyes met a blank space in the small, dark room, and Zack's arms fell to his side. Sephiroth was gone.
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FF7 Fan Fiction
Chapter 5
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"God dammit!" Cloud cried, hopping away on one foot as he held his arm to his chest.
"Well stay out of the way, then!" Zack called after, scowling and letting the tip of his weapon fall to the ground. "A key method to fighting is learning not to stand in your enemy's weapon's path!"
"Well maybe you shouldn't use a real fucking sword!" Cloud yelled, his cut forearm in his mouth as he tried to ease the pain.
"What do you want me to use, then? A rubber one?"
"Why do you even /use/ a sword?!" There was a bit of blood on the blond's lips now, his vampiric stance slightly humorous, although Zack was far more irritated than he was amused. "Jesus, you know they did invent this thing called a /gun./"
Zack mumbled a curse to himself, picking his large sword off the ground again. "Guns are for shitty soldiers," he said quietly, hoping that Cloud did hear. "Besides!" His voice picked up, "Can you defend yourself against a sword blow with just a stupid fucking machine gun?!"
"No," Cloud turned, his unhurt arm grasping the other tightly, "but I could pump a good five rounds into your head before you reached me."
"Would you rather me have /shot/ you?" Zack asked.
"You could teach me /hand to hand/ fighting, you know!"
Zack made a low, unappreciative noise, brushing the comment off with one hand. "What do you know, anyway." The black haired man turned, walking from the room. Their time was done. Cloud continued to mutter to himself, following after, his arm still squeezed tightly by the other.
"I suppose you'll want a bandage," Zack said after a bit, leading the blond into a small locker room. Cloud made no attempt to reply, but Zack began his forage into the medical bin regardless. He heard the other move across the room, sitting down on a bench. "Bloody Shinra ... " Zack dug deeper into the small container, silently praying that he wouldn't accidentally prick himself with some pre-used hypodermic needle.
The locker room was empty and silent, save for the soft clutter of Zack's work, and the occasional ruffle as Cloud changed behind him. The dark haired soldier's hands brushed against what he wanted, and he stood, looking over his shoulder to a shirtless Cloud.
"Here," Zack said, tossing a roll of gauze to the blond. He caught it easily, turning around to bandage himself.
Zack looked around the room silently, aware suddenly that he had managed to work up a sweat during their routine. It had been perhaps the very first time Cloud had managed to keep up with him. The blond seemed to have had an unusual amount of pent-up aggression.
Settling down onto a nearby bench, Zack stretched his legs away from him, staring through Cloud as his muscles relaxed.
"You know, you're not too bad," He said randomly, his thoughts freeing themselves as he drifted off. The blond finished his job, turning back to a small locker to retrieve a clean shirt. He made a soft noise of inquisition, but Zack knew he wasn't paying attention. "You've got potential, I mean."
Cloud pulled an oversized t-shirt over his head, his spikes emerging untouched. He turned to Zack as he pulled it down, slight curiosity in his eyes. "Potential?" He repeated, almost smiling.
"Yeah," Zack let his head fall back against the metal doors, "I mean, if you worked on your confidence a bit more."
The blond scowled as he sat, reaching for his boots. "You're not going to tell me that if I believe in myself, anything is possible, are you?"
"Oh, by no means!" Zack grinned. "But don't underestimate a soldier who'll rush into battle despite the odds."
"You're telling me to be a headstrong idiot, then? I was wondering when you'd start trying to mold me into another you."
This time Zack scowled, sitting up straight. "I'm serious, Spike. You could do really well here. You just need confidence."
"Just confidence?" Cloud asked, his voice full of cynicism. Zack shrugged slightly.
"Well, that and better footwork. And timing. And a better stance. And quicker reflexes."
Cloud stopped, one shoe on, looking to Zack. "But other than that."
"Yeah. See, this is what I mean. You don't even believe that I think you have talent."
The blond fell silent as he finished dressing, standing once he was done. Zack remained in his place, his eyes unfocused as he gazed downward.
"Why did you call me Spike?"
"Huh?" Zack looked to him, obviously having forgotten he had even said it. Cloud stood still, looking back to him with interest. "Oh, you know, 'cause of your hair."
Cloud furrowed his brow, watching Zack closely. "/My/ hair?"
Zack watched him for a moment, not fully understanding. Finally Cloud sighed, unconsciously running and hand through his own set of spikes.
"I think you're the worse offender here," the blond said, his eyes closed. Comprehension dawned on the SOLDIER.
"Hey!" He said, finally understanding it enough to feign being hurt. "You think I can help it? That thing's got a mind of it's own!" He pointed to his head. A faint smile began to creep up on Cloud, and Zack felt himself grin as well.
He had nearly forgotten the new experience: Cloud could smile. When it had happened at first, the black haired soldier had thought it a fluke. There was no way someone so focused on appearing uninterested and unattached could let themselves slip so easily. But then it happened again, and again, and even again, until such things seemed almost /normal./
It was incredibly amazing, and a feeling of guilt began to take Zack over the longer he was around him. Making Cloud smile or laugh did more for him than anything else, and the sickening accusation that the only reason he did it was to make /himself/ happy had to be constantly pushed aside in his mind.
"Where is everyone, anyway?" Cloud asked, drawing Zack from his thoughts. He shrugged, standing up as well.
"Who knows. I suppose out carousing. It /is/ Friday night after all."
Cloud fell silent and Zack took the lead, their typical destination in mind. He hadn't bothered to change, he may have finally gotten a slight workout, but it was nothing that required new clothes, at least, nothing like the sweat-soaked blond behind him. Zack could hear Cloud behind him, doing his best to remain silent, though Zack's artificially high-tuned senses were quite aware of his slight breathing, and the hesitance that hung around him.
"Something on your mind?" He asked finally, coming up to a small balcony overlooking a large, plush Shinra waiting room. Cloud made a small noise as he attempted to speak, but silenced himself. Zack turned, taking in Cloud's meek stance, one arm holding the other as it hung to his side like a child. "Spike?"
Cloud's expression changed instantly, his timid curiosity quickly flaming into all-too-familiar irritation. "Don't call me that," He said flatly. Zack only grinned. Cloud groaned, putting a hand to his forehead as he realized his fatal mistake. Any utterance that Zack's annoyance had succeeded was guaranteed to keep him doing it as long as humanly possible.
"But really," Zack said, trying to get back to Cloud's original emotion, "what's wrong?" Again the blond's expression changed, his eyes turned away as quickly as the question had come. He shrugged, attempting a smile. "Nothing, forget it."
"No." Zack stepped closer, causing the blond to mirror the movement, stepping back quickly. Zack rolled his eyes, tired of having to break down the walls on his own. "Tell me or I'm not buying you dinner."
Cloud's eyes narrowed even as he continued to back away from Zack's approaching figure. "You already said you weren't going to. Remember? I tripped you when you were trying to--"
"I know what I said!" Zack sighed out of frustration. "Well now I'm really not going to! Tell me!"
"It's nothing, really!" Cloud held his hands up in defense. "I just, well, it's like you said, you know? It's Friday and most people are out having fun." The dark haired soldier stopped his approach, and Cloud finally straightened up. "I was just wondering why, you know, you weren't out too."
Zack scoffed suddenly. "Aren't we out right now?" Cloud looked around the empty hallway. "Come on, I'm tired of packaged food. How about we actually go somewhere?" Cloud looked to Zack, who, surprisingly enough, was already engrossed in a face-splitting grin. "Like you said, it's Friday! We should enjoy our weekend."
" ... Aren't you--"
"Yes," Zack beat Cloud to his line, staring up at the ceiling in mild frustration. "Yes I am going somewhere tomorrow for Shinra, I don't care, it doesn't make what I said any less valid. Now come on!"
Zack grabbed the blond by his arm, Cloud's eyes going wide as he was suddenly tugged along. Despite the near /month/ of what Zack assumed could have passed for a friendship in /some/ sort of culture, Cloud still could barely handle confrontation, flustering at the drop of a hat.
"W-what are you doing?" He asked, caught in an internal conflict. Zack could feel as he attempted to pull against his grip, but still struggled to keep up.
"I'm dragging you along," Zack answered, looking forward. Cloud squirmed behind him, another inaudible battle raging that only Zack picked up on.
"Why?"
"Because I'm hungry as hell, I have money that's burning a hole in my pocket, and you're just about the only person I don't mind spending it on right now."
Cloud made a dramatic decision to stop in his tracks. Zack sighed, realizing he'd have to comply for once. He turned to face another angrily confused expression, such a thing failing to surprise him anymore, as Cloud seemed quite capable of merging such emotions. "You want to go somewhere other than a vending machine for once?" he asked. Zack nodded. "Because for once you have money, even though being a SOLDIER first class pays a mind boggling amount?" Zack nodded again. "Why in the hell haven't you offered an actual restaurant ever before?"
Zack looked around. "Well ... cause ... Look, do you want to come or not? 'Cause I don't have to keep forcing you along, you know!"
The blond looked to the side, for once consciously chastising himself for smiling at the comment. Zack only sighed, grabbing his arm once more and pulling him along.
--------------------------------
The restaurant was bathed in a soft golden light, the low conversations and occasional titters of the patrons basking the entire room in a sense of decadence and luxury. All of which seemed to only pinpoint the fact that Cloud now sat at a center table, a giant oversized white t-shirt and baggy pants accentuating his mud caked boots and embedded locker room stench, sitting across from a now irate, completely disheveled soldier who was doing his best to frighten the waitress enough to never look another man in the eyes.
"Um, Zack?" Cloud let his fingertips rest on the edge of the table, tentatively looking to his friend to try and gain his attention.
"Well I don't /fucking care/ what he says!" Zack yelled, the waitress stepping back slightly from the outburst, her black tray held up to her chest in defense. "You tell that little ass-bitch that he can fucking tell it to my face!"
"Zack?" The argument had only gone on a few minutes, but apparently his patronage, as well as his outbursts, were more than common in the restaurant, as the other customers merely glanced over at the occasional obscenity, surprised by things the man could string together.
"Sir, it's not my place to--"
"I know what your place is! Just tell him that I'm not leaving, and if he's got a fucking problem with it he can fucking come and fucking kiss my ass in person!"
The waitress turned quickly, scurrying away before Zack could get his hand any closer to the butter knife he was slowly working towards.
" ... Zack?"
"What?!" Blue eyes blazed as they stared down at Cloud. The blond slunk down in his seat as Zack's anger failed to diminish. Finally the dark haired man sighed, sitting down hard and slamming his elbows onto the virgin white table.
"You gonna--"
"God damn fucking Shinra ass bitches," He muttered, his face buried in his hands. Cloud turned, unwilling to prod the subject any further.
He took to examining his surroundings again, trying to ignore the deep cusses that continued to flare from the opposite end of the table. The restaurant seemed extremely high class. Why someone like Zack would be a regular failed him. He couldn't decide if the image of Zack ordering truffle soup and a side of sherry was comical or just unsettling.
"It's ... nice," Cloud said softly, avoiding Zack's eyes. The other man looked up, but Cloud continued to stare to a nearby table.
"What is?" He asked, his voice still gruff.
"This place ... "
Zack sighed, leaning back in his seat. Cloud finally turned to him, his anger fading slightly as he rubbed his eyes. "Yeah, it's decent."
"Are you sure I'm really meeting the uh, dress code?" the blond asked, fingering the cheap undershirt he was sporting.
Zack nodded, breathing deeply as he let his mood return to it's neutral state. "Yeah, don't worry about it. I come here a lot so they know me. They wouldn't think of throwing a SOLDIER out anyway."
Cloud stared at the table. Not all his questions were fully answered, but he didn't feel up to pushing Zack's mood. "It's uh, it's ... pretty ... fancy."
The dark haired soldier looked to him, his eyes half shut in mild irritation as he picked up on the blond's true meaning. "I'm not fancy enough to come to a place like this?" he asked.
"Oh, no!" Cloud's hands shot up, waving the accusation away, despite it's truth. "I just meant--"
"Cloud."
" ... Yeah?"
"One day you're going to stop being so timid, and I'm going to have a fucking heart attack." Zack reached for his water, sipping it as he held his head up with his spare hand. "Anyway, despite it's looks, this place is pretty good. It's nice to know you there's a place you can order some escargot with a side of fries."
Cloud knitted his eyebrows together as he watched Zack stare into oblivion. Perhaps Mako affected mood swings, as well. He took note, watching a nearby party with a slight lack of interest, and was completely unaware of how long it had been since Zack turned once more, watching him silently.
"So what happened?" Zack asked, his voice snapping Cloud back to the table.
"Huh? About what?" The question had obviously caught him off guard, but Cloud was quick to tighten in his spot, dreading whatever the other man wanted to talk about.
Zack looked down, his chin still buried in his hand. "With Sephiroth?"
Cloud's expression remained constant. He was sure the question should have completely demolished him, but for some reason he couldn't fully understand it. Had he done something recently involving him? "What do you mean?"
"A couple weeks ago, when you freaked out."
Oh yeah, that. "Oh."
"I mean I'm pretty sure I know why, I just want to make sure."
The reality of it was surprisingly less harsh than the blond had anticipated. Perhaps it was because things had been going so awkwardly well lately, but he merely felt a small sinking sensation deep within his chest. He'd have to face it eventually, wouldn't he?
"It's not like it's anything surprising," Zack said, meeting Cloud's meek eyes. "I'm pretty sure it's the same for everyone."
"What do you mean?" Cloud asked, unsure of why he encouraged the conversation. Zack shrugged, his eyebrows raised.
"He's the best. He was made to be the best and he'll always be the best, everyone comes here because of him, and everyone stays here because of him." He looked around suddenly, frowning slightly. "It's not like you're any unique case, basically everyone loves him at some point."
"What?!" Cloud nearly choked on his own breath, whispering the harsh word as loud as he could so as not to gain anyone else attention. His eyes darted around the room before he leaned over the table, gaping at Zack. "What are you talking about?!"
Zack smiled. "It's hero worship, right? Everyone's got it."
"No!" Cloud sat in shock, unable to form a coherent sentence in his mind. "It's--no! I mean--"
"Oh, Jesus." Zack rolled his eyes. "Come on, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not accusing you of lusting after the man, I mean everyone basically worships him, whether they want to or not."
Cloud fell silent. "Oh."
Zack was busy ignoring him now, and Cloud was thankful. The sinking feeling returned, but this time the blond couldn't place why.
"And he's such a bastard," Zack mumbled. "Such a stupid fucking stiff-necked manipulative emotionless pretty boy ice prince bastard."
Cloud's expression finally fell, the blond staring to the table while Zack continued to mutter bitter curses toward his colleague. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but this obviously wasn't it.
"Are you ready to order?" A chirpy voice perked from the side of the table. Zack looked up from his brooding, and Cloud from his silent introspection.
Zack ordered something that sounded relatively foreign, and Cloud settled for one of the few things on the menu he recognized. Their table was shrouded in silence once the waitress (who, Cloud noted, was most obviously /not/ the original that Zack had managed to rip apart,) departed.
Cloud knew he would never find the words to say anything, to anyone. He hadn't been able to in Nibleheim, he sure as hell wouldn't be able to in Midgar. The table seemed to fall further into silence as Cloud picked up on Zack's own emotions. The two men were now both silent, despondent about their own personal dealings.
Unconsciously, the blond fingered the bandage around his arm, watching Zack's distracted figure. If the black haired soldier was down, then something was definitely wrong. Cloud shrouded his eyes, gazing down into his lap. Whatever it was, he wouldn't bother going anywhere near the subject. Being unable to deal with your own problems didn't make it any easier to deal with other's.
Cloud sat in silence, waiting for their dinner, knowing how the rest of the now awkward meal would play out. At least it was free.
--------------------------------
It was his first real break in nearly two weeks of nonstop training. Cloud sank deeper into his bed as he shut his eyes slowly, reveling in the warmth and silence. He was physically exhausted, pushed to every limit he had by Shinra's rigorous courses, and then toppled over the edge by Zack.
Despite his body's yearning for rest, his mind continued to race. He had nights like this before, nights when his thoughts were so prevalent in his mind that sleep simply wouldn't come. There had even been times when he had been so worried or anxious that even a day or more's lack of sleep couldn't lull him into the oblivion he craved.
Tonight, Cloud realized, turning slowly onto his side, was going to be one of those nights. His thoughts flew from conclusion to question, worry to shame, confusion to embarrassment. It was never ending, and the inability to pin down one specific emotion only made his eyes clench tighter, groaning audibly and tossing in his bed.
His roommate, the great hulking recruit that Cloud would have thought had lied about his young age, if not for the naive ignorance he seemed to simply spew every time his mouth was opened, was gone for the evening. Apparently Cloud wasn't the only one with a life. That was, if a 'life' could be considered a forced march of death by a complete buster sword wielding lunatic.
The blond frowned from under the covers, angry with himself that he'd ruin what was such a rarity in his life. A night away from Zack, away from the training rooms, allowed a full night's sleep, completely alone in his apartment ... All because he couldn't figure out what in the hell he was supposed to do.
/"Everyone loves him at some point,"/ Cloud dwelled on the words. Memories mixed together to form something that did nothing for the tightening sensation in his stomach.
/"Sephiroth ... the Great Sephiroth ... "/
Zack was wrong. How could anyone feel like he did? There were so many willing to throw their lives down for the great General, they would do anything for him, for a chance to gain recognition in his eyes. But none of it was anything more, was it?
It was a silent realization he had come to over time. Idol worship. He had put emotions to a face, a personality of his own dreams and desires to a picture on the front page. He had built something that wasn't real, something that /couldn't/ be real.
It would fail, inevitably, it would fail. It would crumble down as soon as he learned the truth, that the god he had constructed in his mind wasn't real. It couldn't even be possible. But still ... it was what he held on to.
What could he tell Zack, though? How could he explain something to the man when it was really Cloud who had no idea? He couldn't tell Zack the truth, not unless he figured it out first.
So, what then? Cloud knitted his eyebrows together, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He had come to Shinra to become stronger. To help people. To eliminate his weakness. His model all throughout had been one man, the man he had placed all his dreams on, the man who had exceeded humanity in his own mind.
Did he want to /be/ him? Cloud's head turned, half his face buried in his pillow. No, he wanted ... he wanted ...
His mother was distant. She was there for him, constantly mending his wounds, bandaging his cuts, going over his bruises. But she wasn't what he wanted. His family had always consisted of just her, what could he think of value? Family meant nothing to him, he had never had one.
Tifa? The tightening increased, butterflies in his stomach as anxiety continued to rise. All the children in Nibleheim. What did he want from them? Acceptance? Somewhere to go? Someone to talk to? Someone to listen to?
Embarrassment washed over him, twice as strong as he realized how pathetic it was so be so worried over his own actions, especially when they were all in his mind. He wanted them to accept him, but they never did. So he distanced himself. Made it so that /he/ was the one who didn't want anything to do with /them./ Things were easier that way.
But still, he had never been able to let go of the nagging that pulled at him constantly, the want and need of someone, anyone, near him, in any sense of the meaning.
So what had he done? He had created fantasy. The allure of a life in Midgar, of becoming stronger, of attaining status, of being recognized. Becoming like the great Sephiroth.
Everything he had placed on the man just grew over time, his own fictional Sephiroth so enticing and perfect ... he had made what he wanted. What he couldn't find anywhere, he made.
Cloud shifted in his bed quietly, the silence around him awkward. He curled up on his side, his arms wrapped around his bare chest.
So it was idol worship. It was what everyone else had ... but Cloud knew somehow, what he harbored within him was something beyond what anyone else could make. The word wouldn't come to the blond as he laid there, it was too dramatic, too final ... yet he knew it was true, it couldn't be anything /but/ true. He had to admit it to himself, had to let himself accept it. Simply living his life without naming it was futile, it wouldn't solve anything.
All forms of self-consciousness left him suddenly as he sighed. What would denying it do, in the end? Sephiroth was his hero, his god, his ... his idea of perfection. He would do anything for a chance ... for a chance for him to see ... that he loved him.
There was a new Cloud, the hidden one deep within him he'd never let out before. It heard the words, relief swelling within him. The truth would define him in the end, and for once Cloud felt his anxiety dissipate, silent acceptance comforting him. He couldn't live as someone else any longer ... he had to be true.
--------------------------------
The thick sound of air parting rang through Cloud's ears as the saber swung again and again. To the left, up, down, up again, out to the right, down once more, back to his original stance. A perfect star carved into the invisible enemy. Cloud let out a ragged breath, the tip of his weapon resting on the ground as he used his free hand to quickly wipe his forehead.
"Did you run?" Zack asked, walking in the quiet training room. Cloud was faced against the door, but didn't turn, lifting his sword onto his shoulder.
"Yeah, before I came."
"Good. I've got to be somewhere in a bit," the dark haired man said, moving to an adjacent wall and sitting down against it. "So you're on your own."
Cloud nodded, his hands shaking noticeably as he lifted the weapon once more, ready to repeat his motions. He stepped forward, a deep cut in the enemy's torso, pulling it out sharply and to the side, blocking the retaliating blow with the weapon's blade, before quickly shooting it to the side once again, cutting the neck line before another offensive attack could be had.
"'Could've gutted you before you even got it up past their shoulders." Zack said quietly. Cloud let the weapon fall to the ground once more, his hand aching as he continued to hold the handle tightly.
"I've been here for two hours," the blond said diminutively.
"If you can't keep up with yourself after only two hours, you're never going to make it."
The sword clattered as it slipped out of his tired hands. Cloud placed his now free hand on his side as he looked to the ground, his eyes closing. "Where are you going?" He asked, void of any real emotion.
"Meeting," Zack said, his voice equally empty. "There's an ex-SOLDIER somewhere up north. 'Been causing trouble in some town, Shinra wants to send someone to go retrieve him. They're either going to send me or Sephiroth, probably. They think he's pretty dangerous, and everyone else is gone to Junon for the month."
Cloud remained still, turned away from Zack slightly. "Sephiroth, huh?" He said, more to himself than the other. Zack ignored it anyway, one leg hugged to his chest as he stared to the ground.
"You know ... " Cloud let his hands fall to his side. He had to tell him. He had to do something, he had finally made a decision about his life, he couldn't go and ruin it now. The newfound Cloud wouldn't let him. "I really should ... tell you."
Zack looked up at the blond, his eyebrows raised in question. Cloud watched him over his shoulder, his body never moving. Zack waited for him to continue, and cocked his head slightly when he didn't. "Tell me what?"
Cloud turned away again. "You know me better than anyone else here," he said in a low tone Zack was easily able to pick up, "and ... I feel like by lying to you I'm ... lying to myself tenfold." The words surprised himself, and the blond stopped, thinking them over. It was true, wasn't it?
He heard Zack stand up, his shirt rubbing against the wall softly as he moved. Maybe this real Cloud was entirely made by the other man, maybe he had nothing to do with it at all. Whatever he told Zack, whatever he did around him, that was what slowly began to define the real Cloud.
The thought encouraged him. He couldn't hide his true self, what good would it do? A soft voice of dissent spoke up in his mind. The truth may be good, but who said he had to tell him? As long as he didn't lie, right? What did it even matter to the other man? Why was he pushing it upon him?
Cloud shook the thought away, sighing. "Well, it's ... " Cloud continued to stare away from him, slightly more comfortable in knowing he didn't have to face the other man outright. "I don't know, I'm not sure if there's any point in telling you, but I feel like ... I should. Just ... the other night at the restaurant, when you asked about Sephiroth ... "
Cloud intentionally trailed off, glancing back over his shoulder. Zack looked to him silently, his hands behind his head as he watched Cloud with an interest he tried to hide. "What about it?"
"Well ... there's ... " Cloud turned back, his words suddenly failing him. Why should he bother telling him this? What would he gain? Did he even have anything to lose? Was this so-called friendship they had so important to him? "I mean you said--but, I ... "
Suddenly, Zack laughed. Cloud turned quickly, meeting the other man's slightly amused eyes. "Oh come on, Spike," He said, grinning. Cloud failed to recognize the humor. "You don't give me nearly enough credit."
"What do you mean?" he asked softly, fearing the slightly manic soldier.
"I /mean,/" He said, placing his hands behind his back and pacing, "I know what you need to tell me, why you're afraid to tell me, and all that other stuff you've probably been pouring yourself over for god knows how long."
Cloud's eyes narrowed, anxiety quickly replaced with curiosity. "What are you talking about? How do you know what I'm going to say?"
Zack paused momentarily in his walk. "You said it's about Sephiroth, right?"
The blond turned once more, flushing slightly.
"And have you forgotten that I know you a hell of a lot better than you think?" Zack's grin was nearly audible. Cloud refused to turn. "I can read you like a book, don't try to deny it."
"I somehow doubt that ... " The blond murmured. Zack laughed.
"All right, let me guess, then," Zack sighed dramatically, still smiling as he paced. "You came here because you wanted to be like Sephiroth, you trained hard because you wanted to be like Sephiroth, and the more you stayed and the more you worked the more you realize just how much you /really wanted to be like Sephiroth./ But then somewhere along the way the lines between wanting to be /like him/ and be /with him/ blurred, because he is, in your mind and the mind of many others, the epitome of greatness and perfection, and now you're too embarrassed to tell me because you're afraid of what judgment I'm going to pass on you, or what I might do to ruin the reputation in Shinra you never bothered to build."
Cloud fell silent, looking back Zack without emotion. "Wh--"
"Seeing as how I'm right," Zack continued, his pace starting up again, "let's just agree to move on with our lives, as it really has no importance whatsoever to anything regarding either of us, and you can be confident that you told the truth and suffered no consequence from it."
Again the blond was silent, thinking over the words carefully. Finally his head turned up. "All right."
"Good, so anything else you need to tell me?"
Cloud looked to Zack, silently drawing his own conclusion from the speech. What else could he possibly know? Nibleheim? Tifa's father? His mother? The bridge on Mt. Nibel? "No ... Not yet, anyway."
Zack smiled. "All right, then, good, I'm running out of long winded speeches anyway. I've gotta get going, too, you should turn in early. No point burning yourself out when you're still in training."
Cloud nodded, unable to decide if he should have returned the other man's smile. Perhaps he had just misjudged an unspoken bond between them with the black haired soldiers complete and total insanity. Zack raised one hand in a wave, walking to the door with his hands behind his head.
That ... wasn't what he had expected. Cloud put a hand to his head, his trade-mark apathy suddenly taking him over as he struggled to comprehend the past few moments. Nothing came to him, and although Cloud knew he should have been grateful for the moment of blank feeling, he couldn't help but force himself back to reality, struggling to grasp what he knew he must have felt.
The room was empty now, Zack's footsteps dying out in his mind. Cloud continued to stand in silence, the sound of distant voices outside the room echoing quietly around him. Was he embarrassed? Zack now knew how he felt. Relief that he had actually done it, and that Zack had taken it so gracefully? Well, with as much grace as someone like Zack could allow, anyway. Still, Cloud's mind was blank, and he made a silent vow to himself to beat the emotionally suffocating facade he had built up around him.
Of course there was more than enough evidence for Zack to have come to his own conclusion /weeks/ ago. There was always the first time he had seen him, passing out in the hallway like the pathetic fan boy he seemed to be. Then there was the time in the bar, somewhere in the back alleys of Midgar. He had come in, looking for Zack. Cloud had gone to the bathroom, and watched the exchange through the crook of a door, eyes wide as he realized that -dear god- in terms of degrees of separation, he was /one bloody person away from Sephiroth./
Then there was the first time he had visited Zack's apartment, waiting for the man while he searched through his belongings with manic vehemence, cursing and yelling as his uniform continued to elude his grasp. Cloud had spotted something in the midst of his clothes. It was leather. Cloud had laughed, unable to imagine Zack in any such attire. Zack had only growled, saying that Sephiroth had left it there the last time they sparred. The words struck Cloud hard, a piece of the man's /clothing/ suddenly taking precedence in his thoughts.
/Then/ there was the other time they had passed him in the hall. Sephiroth hadn't even /looked/ at him, probably hadn't even noticed anyone asides from Zack, but my /god,/ Cloud could hear him /talk./ Reprimanding Zack for his earlier behavior, calling him something along the lines of a 'pathetic excuse for a SOLDIER,' but with much more grace. Even his /insults/ were like poetry.
Cloud sighed, ruffling his spikes unconsciously. All the tension he had stored within him faded, suddenly confident in his actions, even in his life. Everything that had happened suddenly hit him. All at once he felt as his feelings were defined. It wasn't anxiety, it wasn't anger, it wasn't even confusion. The blond placed a hand to his head once more as it took him over, the horrific feeling drawing him to the floor as he buried his face in his hands, the sheer insanity of everything he had been through striking him harder than anything else could have. Cloud made no attempt to snuff the feeling as it continued to grow in intensity, and let himself sit on the floor, his entire body shaking. Tears threatened to stream from his eyes as he continued to choke, supporting his torso with on hand, the other covering his mouth, his laughter completely out of his control.
He had no idea what was going on, in /any/ aspect of his life, but the laughter continued to pour out of him, everything that had happened since his entrance into Shinra was so completely insane, he realized the futility of his apathy, and let it all laugh himself into tears.
--------------------------------
So it was true. Zack sighed, letting his head rest on the wall of his apartment. He was alone for a moment, Shinra was off his back, as was Sephiroth. He had all the time he needed to think. And that, he realized, was the last thing he wanted to do. Of course he had rushed from the training room. Who knew what Cloud had thought, Zack admitting the boy's own feelings, and then leaving as quickly as he had said it.
His television buzzed in the background, mindless talk and colors flashing before his unfocused eyes. No matter how many distractions he presented himself, he knew he couldn't avoid his thoughts. Not only did such revelations mean so much in his relationship with the young recruit, but it also made him resent what he had, and the fact that he had to go face the same man in only a matter of minutes.
Of course everyone /loved/ him, he was their /god,/ after all, but Zack knew that for some people, it was something much more. But how could that be true? How could he even love? Cloud was analytical to a fault, couldn't he realize such idol worship was different than what he really wanted?
Zack scowled, looking to the ceiling. Sephiroth was, to be quite frank, an asshole. He was undeserving of the love and adoration the many hordes of Shinra soldiers were willing to give to their golden leader. He knew quite well the man's true emotions, and how quick he was to act, how little forethought he gave anything ... he could break someone so easily, even if he would regret it later, there was no way to deny his inability to realize the consequence of the actions.
It was hypocrisy, plain and simple. If someone were to hurt him, he would retaliate in the most deadly fashion. However, he would expect nothing from another if he were to hurt them. How someone so versed in military strategy, being able to foresee every single move of the enemy, could be so completely blind to such normal human emotions was beyond him.
Of course, Zack realized rather solemnly, he could only be condemning his General because it helped to shift the blame from himself. Was he lying then, too? Was it even that important to Cloud? How did he know he had such an impact on him? Would it end up being what broke him in the end? Simply because he couldn't find it in himself to tell the truth? How could he--
"Lieutenant?" A voice called from outside his door. Zack turned slowly, his thoughts cut off. He had hoped for a longer break before the meeting, but was also grateful to be broken from his own introspection.
He stood silently, feeling uncharacteristically quiet, and walked to the door, greeting the somewhat timid soldier there to escort him with a simple, forced smile. There were more pressing matters, anyway. At least he could comfort himself with the thought.
--------------------------------
"And how exactly did he get a hold of all the weapons?" Sephiroth asked, his voice wet with contempt. The official looked to him, an attempt at superiority failing as the SOLDIER stared back.
"Well, that would--He, well you see--"
"Would it have been Shinra?" The white-haired man asked, his arms crossed against his chest. Zack grinned from behind him. For once he was happy the other man was such a jackass, it made for quite the spectacle when faced with asinine Shinra politics.
"Y-Yes, yes it was Shinra who originally supplied him with weapons, but--"
"And this so called 'background check,'" Sephiroth continued, reaching for a nearby paper, "failed to arouse suspicion at the man's mental competence?"
"Well what happened was--"
"You knew the man was unstable."
"Yes-- well, no! I mean, we did /know/ but not--"
"You /knew./"
"Our reports labeled him as merely bipolar, it wasn't a concern to us at the time as he was fully capable of--"
"Tell me then," Sephiroth closed his eyes, crossing his arms once more as Zack took the report from his hands, "why exactly would you bother with a mental examination, if it's results mean nothing to a SOLDIER's final selection?"
"We have turned down applicants before because of the background check," the man continued, struggling to regain the upper hand. "This was a highly unusual case, the man was completely capable of taking care of his own mental state, and it was of no concern to us at the time, as he showed no signs of anything remotely like--"
"Remotely like what?" Sephiroth asked, his eyes open again, blazing as he stared down the other man, who now, for some reason, seemed unable to speak. "The ability to take an entire town hostage with the weapons cache so generously offered to him by you?"
The official shook his head, anger beginning to override his intimidation. Zack continued to leaf through the report, Sephiroth's indignation all too commonplace. "We had no way of knowing that he would lose it! He showed absolutely no outward signs of any kind of--"
"Celes," Another Shinra suit said, placing a hand on the bumbling official's shoulder. The man turned, his eyes ablaze as he was interrupted yet again. "Why don't you take a break, I'll handle it from here."
The first man grumbled, looking over at Sephiroth once more, before turning to leave. The second official flashed a slight smirk at the two men, one who stood at now perfect attention, his eyes glowing with condescension, and the other who was looking through a report, occasionally turning it sideways to view a picture, looking quite familiar with the action.
"I must apologize for my colleague," The man's eyes were only half open as he gazed at Sephiroth, no sense of fear in his voice. "You bring up a decent point, however, Shinra is not to blame."
"One of your own men took a horde of weapons to an innocent town, took it over, killed many anonymous civilians, and now holds the entire place for ransom, all because you let him slip through your filters."
"I assure you, /General/," The man smirked again, and Zack saw Sephiroth straighten in his stance slightly, the smug words quickly rising his ire. "His mental state was of no importance when we let him in. Everyone has their own quirks, so to speak, but if we were to be so strict in our actions, we wouldn't have any of our soldiers. I assure you, a pure mental state is extinct in this world, everyone has their own cross to carry, if not their own instability to deal with. You of all people should know that, General. You would not be here yourself if we were so rigorous."
Zack felt his stomach drop. There was an instant prick, Sephiroth's arms falling to his side as the words hit. He had to do something. "Let's get to the point," Zack said quickly, stepping forward so that half of his body shielded Sephiroth. The silver haired man didn't bother to look to him, his malevolent anger so apparent Zack thought he could take the room down in a single breath. "What do you want us to do?"
He felt as Sephiroth stood still, but was unwilling to let his breath out just yet. The official bowed his head, smiling. "Only you," He said quietly. "The General has other important things to attend to, we'll only be needing your services."
Zack furrowed his brow, watching the man. "I thought he was supposed to be extremely dangerous?"
"Oh, don't worry, our reports show that he is." The officer leaned back against the wall, his arms crossed, mimicking Sephiroth's previous stance, only with quite a greater deal of superiority. "However, the General has important business to take care of here at Shinra; it's been requested that he stay here. Since all of our other SOLDIERs of your status are currently gone, matters have been left up to you, Lieutenant."
The black haired soldier scowled, but was silenced by his companion. "May I inquire as to why I have been informed of this, if I'm not even to be any part of the operation?"
The man nodded slightly. "Of course you may. While you are requested to stay here, if your lieutenant is unable to fulfill his duties, you will be summoned to complete the task."
"So he's my janitor?" Zack asked, Sephiroth unable to speak fast enough to cut off such remarks. "He'll be there to clean up my mess?" The official chuckled, pushing himself from the wall until he stood once more.
"I don't doubt his abilities." Sephiroth said bluntly. Zack nearly eyed him curiously at the remark, but remained forward, not wanting to draw the officials attention.
The man smiled, and Zack felt the emotions passing between the two soaring through the air. Did they know each other? The officials words seemed to sting Sephiroth with an intensity he hadn't seen since he had caught a glimpse of him with one of Shinra's scientists, the short, insect like man known as Hojo. There had to be a past of some kind.
"Well then," The man spoke once more, watching Zack for the first time since he had taken over, "We would like it if you began preparations now. We have you scheduled to leave for Antei in five days."
Zack refused to nod, simply watching the man, unable to let him win when he was so obviously fighting his companion. He had his loyalties to keep, after all.
The official flashed one final smile towards the duo, picking up the reports and files that had been brought as reference material. He turned to leave the room, gazing over his shoulder once more as he neared the door. "Good luck, then, Soldier."
Zack scowled, the man's words finally beginning to rub against him as well. "Fucking hell," he murmured to the now closed door. "Who the fuck is he, anyway?" he asked, his arms crossed defiantly against his chest. Sephiroth made no reply, and Zack sighed, turning to face his friend. He had to have something to say, some bit of information to supply. His eyes met a blank space in the small, dark room, and Zack's arms fell to his side. Sephiroth was gone.
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