Forgotten Daze
FF7 Fan Fiction

Chapter 12


"Zack!" Someone called, a small group of recruits approaching him from the side. The dark haired SOLDIER turned to face them as they quickly surrounded him, all beaming.

"We heard what happened," one of them said, smiling widely. "You ended up saving some kid and a soldier who that crazy guy was holding hostage, right?"

Zack felt his stomach droop at the words. This wasn't what he felt like talking about.

"Yeah, even though he's got like, a /ton/ of other crazy guys following him, you still got away without any casualties!" another added.

Zack forced a quick smile, holding up his hands. "Oh, well, no, I-"

"You know, the SOLIDER exams are tomorrow," the first one started again, "and at first I was feeling really unmotivated, but now that I hear about you, I'm really psyched!"

The SOLDIER tittered nervously. "Well, I'm glad I can give you some support, but-"

"I mean, I don't know /what/ I would have done," said another. "I think if the situation looked that grim I would have just broken down. I guess I'm really not SOLDIER material, at least not to your standard!"

He ran a hand through his hair anxiously. Were they /trying/ to make him feel bad?

"Don't you get nervous in those kinds of situations?" the smallest one asked.

"Oh come on," another answered, "he's a SOLDIER, you think he stands around a dangerous situation with his knees shaking?"

"Yeah," the first one added, "just because /you/ do doesn't mean /he/ does."

"Hey, shut up," the small recruit glowered.

The group descended into an internal conversation, all badgering each other jokingly. Zack spotted an escape.

"Sorry I can't stay and talk," he nearly whispered, inching away from the small crowd, "I've got important ... SOLDIER stuff to do."

They hadn't heard him, and Zack slipped away unnoticed, only letting his expression turn to darkness once he was out of sight.

He turned a corner quickly, scowling as he walked. He needed to get away from everyone and their praise. He hadn't done anything in Antei. The only things he had managed to accomplish were failing his orders, endangering the lives of all his men, and nearly killing Cloud. He had botched the entire operation, no matter what way he looked at it.

And of course, it was /Cloud/ who had been the most noble, not him. Cloud had risked his life to save his own, and had done it without any hesitation. He had told him once they were back in Midgar that he was only thinking of ways he could help Zack's cause, even while he was lying in his own blood. He hadn't expected to be saved, and it didn't bother him. All he had wanted was to help move them all closer to victory. And yet still, Cloud would go completely unknown throughout Shinra.

"Zack?" a familiar voice rang out. The young SOLDIER paused in his thoughts, suddenly meeting the gaze of Shinra's most prized possession.

"Oh, Sephiroth!" he was taken back by the surprise, but quickly went back to chastising himself. In his desire to get away from the others, he had unconsciously walked the path toward his friend's quarters.

The silver haired man cocked his head, a curious expression on his face as he approached. "I heard about what happened in Antei."

Zack forced out a laugh, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "Yeah, it wasn't the best little vacation."

Sephiroth's expression dropped to its usual neutrality. "It's not like you to lose."

"Yeah ... I know." The hall grew silent. Zack looked to the other man, annoyed by his sudden desire for conversation. "Look, I've got to get going. I need to stop by the hospital."

"What happened?" Sephiroth asked, a hint of anger in his voice.

"I just need to see someone."

"I mean, what happened in Antei."

Zack frowned. "What does it matter? I failed the mission, but we managed to make it away more or less in tact," he let out a short sigh, adding without thought: "I guess I'm just not as perfect as Shinra would like me to be."

"I don't care about that," the general said, watching him over cool green eyes. "I want to know what happened to the SOLDIER."

He let out an exasperated sigh, unable to hide his irritation. "Nothing happened! I didn't kill him, if that's what you mean. I barely even beat him in a fight."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" Zack's voice was picking up intensity. "What's so hard to understand about this? I couldn't beat him, I couldn't kill him."

"Then tell me why."

"I had to save someone, okay? It was more important to me then than stopping the SOLDIER."

Sephiroth's expression didn't change, but he remained silent for a moment, watching over his friend's anger. Finally he shook his head. "You can't be so ruled by your emotions."

Zack held his tongue, focusing hard on the wall next to the general, his fists clenched tightly. Sephiroth refused to stop.

"This isn't the first time it's gotten you into trouble, you know."

"What does it matter," the raven-haired SOLDIER muttered, still holding back his words. "Just drop it."

"You needed to bring him back here," the general continued, "that man needed to be brought before Shinra. You can't let your uncontrollable emotions ruin carefully laid plans that /need/ to be executed."

"Well at least I fucking /have/ emotions!" Zack snapped. It wasn't a personal battle, Zack knew that, but he couldn't hold back any longer. "I'd rather be moral and care about people than be some fucking mold for this fucking company to shape!"

Sephiroth eyed him coolly, the words failing to penetrate. "Zack, that SOLDIER-"

"Forget the SOLDIER! I'm sick of all of this! There's only one fucking thing left that I care about and right now I need to go make sure he's still alive!" he brushed past his friend quickly, his eyes dark.

"Zack," Sephiroth called inexpressively. The other man ignored him and continued down the corridor.


Cloud staggered through the door as Zack let go, his head still swimming slightly from the movement. Kail stood near the doorway, frozen mid-step as he looked to his roommate.

" ... Cloud!"

Raising one hand in a pathetic wave, the blond wobbled past him, catching a nearby kitchen chair and toppling down into it.

"Stop by tomorrow," Zack said as he reached for the door. Cloud nodded absentmindedly as he slid down in the seat, moving slowly to avoid the pain. The SOLDIER flashed a quick smile at him and his roommate, and shut the door.

Kail was still frozen. "What ... " his eyes opened slightly wider, and at once he was at Cloud's side. "What happened? Where were you? I heard that all this shit in Antei went down and one man got caught but the SOLDIER is still there but they're going back soon and Zack risked his life to save this poor kid and what in the hell happened to you!"

"The soldier who was caught," he started slowly, "was me. And I've been in the hospital."

" ... Oh. Well-"

"I've kind of got a headache right now, Kail."

The large man nodded slowly, taking a step back. The usual look of confusion was still on his face. "What about ... what about the SOLDIER test tomorrow?"

The words tightened the knot in his stomach substantially, but Cloud did his best to ignore it. "Right now I don't care about much else other than getting into my bed."

"But are you going to take it? You still look like you're in pretty bad shape."

Cloud slid down further in the chair, compensating for the drop he felt in his stomach. "Well, it's not like there's going to be a make-up exam."

"Maybe you could get special permission or something, I mean-"

"I'm not going to get any better with time," he responded flatly. "I've been gone for a bit but, if you forgot, this isn't bad shape for me."

"Ah, yeah. I guess not." Kail looked away for a minute, focusing his thoughts so hard they were drawn on his face. "I really can't remember a time when you didn't have some sort of ice pack somewhere on you."

Cloud shut his eyes. "Yeah. Me either."

"Well, what time are you scheduled for tomorrow?"

"Eleven in the morning."

Kail smiled. "I'm going at eight. So I'll be back in time to get you a couple of pointers."

Cloud smiled, though it was short lived. "Thanks, I'll need them."


"If you attack me," The SOLDIER said flatly, looking to him over dark, dull eyes, "The boy is dead."

Zack scowled and tightened his grip on his sword. "After all you lecture me on, how I'm such a terrible SOLDIER and I should have never gotten this far, you would still use a hostage to increase your odds? Are you that afraid you'd lose?"

"I'm not going to lower my guard in order to protect my dignity. I already know I'm much higher on that scale than you. After all, look at our positions."

Zack's expression was constant. So mocking wasn't going to work. He couldn't fight the other man and still save Cloud, he had to find some way to separate the two.

"Why are you doing this?" Zack asked, still sizing up his opponent.

"I knew they would send another SOLIDER out here for me," he answered, clearly pleased at the offer to explain himself, "and I assumed that their position in Shinra alone would be enough for them to understand what I'm doing."

"What," Zack started, covertly eyeing the terrain behind the SOLDIER, "are you going to prove to them that their reliance on money and power is foolish, by taking over a town by force and demanding money?"

"Do you know what a SOLDIER /is/ boy?" he asked.

"I know that he's not someone who would ever stoop this low," Zack replied.

The SOLDIER let out a short, low laugh. "Ignorance /is/ bliss, I suppose I don't feel too bad to let you die never knowing the truth."

"Well, I've got my morals, and you've got your complete and total insanity. I guess we both have some pretty strong driving forces. Let's quit the banter. Right now I don't care about Shinra. I want you to let that solider go."

"He's nearly dead as it is," the SOLDIER said flatly, glancing toward the bloodstained blond.

"Didn't you hear me? This fight isn't about Shinra or your beliefs or your politics. I want him back and I /will/ kill you if I have to."

The SOLDIER sighed, slight amusement in his expression. "All right, all right. I guess I just couldn't help myself," he continued, his gun slowly moving over Cloud's body, "I just couldn't ignore the weakness you showed me."

"I can solemnly swear one thing to you," Zack said through clenched teeth, the tension building within him. "If you so much as /touch/ him, I /will/ kill you."

A smile crept up on one corner of the SOLDIERS mouth, and without another thought, Zack advanced.

The room was still dark when Zack opened his eyes. Not even an hour had passed. Reluctantly, he sat up in his bed. His body craved sleep, but his mind refused to settle. The clock read only five o'clock. He was sure it had said five two hours ago. Maybe it was broken.

Zack stretched his sore muscles, sighing heavily. If sleep wouldn't come then he wouldn't force it. Slowly he stood and plodded into the small kitchen, his body aching from the entirety of the past week. He hadn't slept in days, let alone had a moments rest. His mind was reeling so fast that he wondered if he even /remembered/ how to relax.

In any case, who could have even expected him to be able to sleep? He was permanently on edge. He had slipped up, and almost had to pay for it with more than he was willing to part with.

Well, no, scratch that. It was a /lot/ more than he was willing to part with. Slowly he sat down into one of the cold kitchen chairs, still blinking hard as his eyes struggled to adjust to the bright light. He didn't even know what to think anymore. What was he doing? Everything was so familiar. Everything he felt, it was just like Sephiroth. And he didn't want it to be.

He had seen something in Sephiroth. The human side, the emotional side. The side that wasn't just a SOLDIER, that wasn't just Shinra's perfect ideal. Others had always denied it even existed, and Zack knew that was what caused the general the most pain. What was it then? He had gone after him... because of that? He had told Cloud once that everyone in Shinra loved Sephiroth in some way. He hadn't lied. What he hadn't told him was that he was no exception.

There was something within him that no one else acknowledged, or was willing to acknowledge. He could see it though, and he wanted to bring it out. He wanted him to be human too. He wanted to be the one who he could go to and who could make him happy.

It hadn't worked. Maybe Sephiroth was too far-gone, too bitter and too jaded and too isolated. He had let Zack in, but only slightly. The door was open a crack, only enough to be sure that what he had seen was there, but he couldn't open it any further. He realized, in retrospect, that it was more than he could have asked for when they first met, and he had come to accept it with quiet resignation.

Sephiroth had barely ever even trusted him. He had assumed at first that Zack was only there to try and force himself in and exploit whatever he could find. Zack had nearly smacked his friend when he finally pieced this together. How in the hell could he /ever/ have thought that? Zack assumed he deserved even just a tiny sliver of respect, enough to show that he was above any of that bullshit.

It was their personalities, though, in the end. To Sephiroth, he was nothing but an overly social overachiever of colossal proportion. Zack barely understood where this came from. Was it because he was nice to people? Because he was friendly? How he refused to take anyone at face value? Did that make him some kind of social whore? Who did he /actually/ have? He had other soldiers who followed him and took his word as gospel, as every SOLDIER first class did. He even had his share of equal peers. But none of them were people Zack could go to, none of them were people that he could deal with and relate to on a level outside of Shinra. Sephiroth hadn't believed it, but even in their strained relationship, the general had been one of the only people Zack had really been close to.

That was how it was with Cloud. Cloud and Sephiroth. They were so similar, but their differences ... that would be what determined the rest of their lives; which of them succeeded, and which of them failed.

So, where did that leave Zack? He had been rejected by Sephiroth. He had almost let Cloud die. What was it that he wanted? Cloud, just as Sephiroth had, would never even begin to believe how much he meant to him. The difference between them, however, was that Sephiroth was weary of an ulterior motive, while Cloud was too introverted and too shy to accept it.

He wanted Cloud to be happy. He wanted others to see what he could see within him. He had connected with him, he had understood him since the beginning, he had bonded with him, and he wanted to be around him. Hell, he could even understand why he was so infatuated with Sephiroth. Cloud /had/ no other mysteries that Zack couldn't solve.

Zack glanced at the clock on the wall above him. It still read five. He sighed and stood up, walking to the kitchen counter and the coffee machine atop it. It was going to be a long day.


It wasn't time to panic. Not yet, anyway. He'd give it another few minutes before he snapped and ordered a full-blown search of the entire building to be conducted by every last Shinra employee and passer-by who happened to be in the general vicinity of the building at the time of what would no doubt come to be known as his "slight breakdown."

Cloud wasn't in his room. Kail hadn't seen him since the night before; apparently he had left long before he woke. He wasn't in the general places the two of them had come to occupy the past few months, he wasn't back in the hospital for any after-effects he might have had, he wasn't around the SOLDIER testing area, he wasn't /anywhere/ on /any/ of the floors Zack had searched thoroughly. And he had gone through a /lot/ of floors.

There was one last place to look, and Zack had avoided thinking of it, as it would only mean the worst. The hallways in the basement should be completely empty. It was the recruits last day, and there was no time left for any last minute training. It was the emptiest place in the entire building, and the very kind of place he knew Cloud would go if he was feeling what Zack feared he was.

Reluctantly he had entered the dark hallways, his footsteps echoing off the metal walls. He walked slowly, feeling out of place in the cold, impersonal corridors. Still, there was no sight of Cloud. Zack proceeded through the hallways for what seemed like hours, wandering through the manmade labyrinth below Shinra.

It wasn't until nearly an hour after he had entered that Zack felt the darkness grow stronger. The cold cement and metal of the underground rooms seemed to amplify the emptiness, and Zack found himself almost crushed by the silence.

It only worsened when he turned the last corner, and came across the limp body sitting against the wall.

He froze in place for a moment, watching the figure. "Cloud?" he asked quietly, tentative to approach him.

The blond didn't answer, but moved slightly in place. Zack took it as acknowledgement, and moved to his side, still slightly hesitant. He stood next to him for a moment before Cloud finally turned his head and looked up to Zack, expressionless.

"I failed, Zack," he said flatly. Zack was silent, and slowly sat down beside him. Cloud sighed heavily, as though he were letting out all the tension that had built since he arrived in Midgar.

"You're still a better soldier than I've ever met," Zack said softly. "You came far enough to prove that."

Cloud laughed quietly. "The only reason I even got this far was because of you," he said. Zack looked to the ground. Cloud slid down further against the wall. "I guess I do appreciate it," he continued, softly, "but there was never a chance for me anyway."

"Cloud ... "

"Please, Zack. I'm not completely blind; I know that I don't have what it takes. This isn't just a case of me not believing in myself."

Sighing angrily, Zack turned back to him. "Yes it is." Cloud frowned at the floor. "I don't care what you say, you have what it takes to be a SOLDIER."

Cloud looked up suddenly. "Then why did I fail? Tell me that, then. Do you think I didn't try? Because I /did./ Everyone has to accept failure at some point, you know. If you try and fail then what else do you need to tell you that you /can't do it?"

"Don't say things like that," Zack mumbled.

Cloud scowled, the floodgates clearly beginning to open. "Why? Because it goes against your mantra of 'love and happiness will prevail and overcome all odds'?"

"Well, that, and because it's just not true."

The blond pressed the back of his head against the wall, his eyes closed. "Christ. I'm sorry that you're so wrapped up in being so positive and happy all the time that you don't even know what reality is anymore."

"Cloud-"

"And I guess on top of it all I'm just sorry that your little pet project failed like this."

Zack felt as the nerve ending was struck. "What? My pet project?"

Cloud looked to him again, his eyes angry. "You felt so sorry for me like some stray dog you found on the street, and you have to build me up but it just didn't work-"

"Hey!" Zack yelled. "Stop it! That's /not/ why I did /anything./"

"Then why? What do you get out of this? Why do you make yourself do any of this!"

"Do what! I'm not making myself do /anything/ You think I'm forcing myself to care about you, is that it?"

Cloud turned away suddenly, his eyes clenched shut. Zack grabbed his shoulders, pulling him back to face him.

"Let go ... " Cloud pulled away from his grip.

"What is this?" he asked softly, holding him firmly. Cloud's head was turned away, his eyes still forced shut, his entire body tense. "Cloud!"

"Why!" the blond snapped suddenly, meeting his gaze head on. "Why couldn't you have just let me be? Why do you have to believe in me so much and do so much for me!"

"Stop it, Cloud!"

"Tell me why! There's no point! You've been wasting your time! What do you hope to get out of helping me like this and making me believe I can do these things when I /can't/" There were tears forming in his eyes.

"That's not what I'm doing! I /do/ believe you can!"

"But I /can't/ Why do you have to do this!"

"Because ... " Zack watched him silently for a moment as he continued to struggle to pull away, hiding his face as the tears started to fall.

"Why," his voice was softer now, "why do you have to fucking care about me so much?"

"Cloud ... "

The blond recoiled once more, his eyes firmly shut. Zack jostled him once last time, and he looked up to him, anger still on his face.

"Why do you hate the idea that someone might care about you?" he asked quietly. Cloud looked away, his expression softening slightly.

Zack scowled. He needed to hit him, to shake him out of it, to do anything that would knock him out of his mindset. He could feel as Cloud's body went limper in his arms as the outburst past and gloom settled down upon him. Zack's grip went tighter, and Cloud looked up to him slowly. Zack frowned. He was going on instincts, now.

"Zack ... "

The SOLDIER inhaled deeply, and pulled the blonde's shoulders toward him, placing his lips against his in an awkward kiss, as the blond froze in place, his eyes wide and his breathing suddenly silenced.

Zack pushed away hard, suddenly realizing what exactly he was doing. After a moment of silence he slowly turned his gaze back to Cloud, realizing the implications of what he had just done. The blond was still frozen in his place, looking to him with wide eyes and an immense flush on his cheeks.

"I ... " Zack figured his expression mirrored that of Cloud's. "I ... "

Cloud seemed to snap out of his shock, and looked to the ground instantly, sheer panic on his face. Zack suddenly started to feel ill. Yes, kiss the socially awkward, shy, confused boy who just saw his last standing dream fall before him in some sort of comfort, despite the fact that the no-doubt unwanted affection can only harm him /more/ considering that he is a socially awkward, shy, confused boy who just saw his last standing dream fall before him. /That/ was going to help things considerably.

Zack stood up, holding back a mixture of anger and embarrassment. "Sorry," he managed, through his internal self-chastising. "I didn't mean to- I'm sorry." The blond was silent, but Zack hadn't expected anything. He turned away quickly, walking away from the blond who was still crumpled on the floor.


notes

- My computer and ff DOT netgot into a fight. They won. Now, I'm not one to pass blame in a desperate attempt to save face, but I BLAME THEM. Any formatting wonkiness istheir fault, sorry. Hopefully it doesn't mess up the flow of things too badly.