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creation of Nobuhiro Watsuki, with the manga and anime rights belonging to Jump
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Chapter Seventeen
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The bed dipped slightly as bent to kiss her good bye, his lips brushed against a bare shoulder, lingering a second on the soft supple skin. She mumbled and turned, hiding further into the protective shelter of her blankets. He smiled, watching her hide her head under a pillow, leaving her just the way he'd found her; he closed the door behind him as he left.
Slowly she opened her eyes, seeing nothing but black, even in her inebriated state she could feel him leaving. She didn't hear the click of the door or his footsteps as he left. But she knew when he was gone because it's then she became cold.
She allowed him enough time to get to his car and drive away before she flung the covers off. She sat on the bed a moment, gaining some balance before she rose. With a last deep breath she stood. Swaying a little in front of the bed, she pulled all the covers off and tossed the pillows aside.
Staggering a step, she paused and tried again, walking towards the bathroom with cautious steps. Her ritual here in Kyoto was much like the one back home. She found the knobs of the shower in the dark, knew which way to turn them to get hot water rather than warm. She stepped under the shower and began washing, working with automated movements she gave her task no further thought.
Her robe was off to the right and she had no trouble finding it when she finally stepped out from her bath. The thick terry cloth robe covered her hands and dragged on the floor as she walked over to the sink. She brushed her teeth repeatedly till the familiar taste of copper filled her mouth. She rinsed and dabbed her mouth with the sleeve of her robe, avoiding the mirror or anything else that might show her a glimpse of her reflection.
Her body felt heavy and her mind felt light. A hazy blanket of black seemed to call out to her and she knew it was sleep calling her back. She pulled a towel free and wrapped it around her hair, yawing as she walked back to the room. Shuffling past his side of the bed and back to hers. Her eyes were closed more than open now and she struggled in her step. With her energy almost spent she unexpectedly slumped on the bed and slowly slid to the floor. Kaoru closed her eyes and tucked her hands under her cheek, already on her way to sleep.
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Eyes of liquid gold blazed with dark intent. His voice was dangerously low and possessive sending shivers down her spine when he spoke. "Is this what you wanted?"
Confused beyond thought all she could do was gap at him.
"All this taunting?" He went on.
Unable to find her voice, Kaoru shook her head in denial
"No," he mused drawing closer. "So you didn't go through all this just to make me angry?" He stopped in front of her, gazing into pools of blue, wide and disbelieving. "To make me jealousy?" He drawled, caressing her cheek. Helpless against his touch, she leaned in; her eyes fluttering close in the process. His hand slid against her jaw, softly stroking the skin as it slid down the curve of her neck. "Do you want me to kiss you?" His voice was velvety and hypnotic so it took a moment for her to comprehend what it was he was saying. Seconds passed before she became coherent enough to understand his words, which had the expected reaction, her eyes snapped open shocked by the forwardness. Her lips parted but words lacked solidity, refusing to form.
A lascivious smile touched his features, hastening the pace of her heart. "I think you do." With only those words as warning, he trapped her in a firm embrace, catching her lips in surprisingly gentle kiss. Slowly drawing her in, molding her body to his. He brushed his lips against hers again and again, each time increasing pressure until she slumped against his form. With a surreptitious intended he ran his tongue along her lower lip. Lips that parted in surprise, he groaned as his tongue slipped inside. He placed a hand at the nape of her neck and tilted her head, finally deepening the kiss.
She melted against his body as his tongue tangled with hers in a sensual dance, kissing her passionately and urgently. She became lost, swept into a whirlwind of emotions, a place where there was nothing but him and only him. She wrapped her arms around his waist, wanting to never let go. Always like this, she wished more than anything to always remain like this.
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Kaoru woke with a start, confused as to where she was. Realizing she was alone, she began to cry. This wasn't fair. Her cry turned into a sob, a heart-wrenching sob, because this wasn't fair. If she was going to remember then she wished she would only remember the bad moments between them because remembering things like this was going to rip her apart.
Their first kiss . . . . .
He had no right to haunt her like this, to hurt her so many decades later. Tears trailed down her cheeks in long wet streams. What right did he have to still hold her captive like this? Helpless against his touch and a victim to his love, she clutched the sides of her head as she began to shake, trembling almost violently.
This was only a taste of the end. She realized that as she pulled out handfuls of hair. Insane without him she would be forced to live in the past or so mad with hate she would be forced into violence, killing him or herself in an attempt to reach the next life. Hopefully then she'd get a clean slate where she wouldn't be bound by the past.
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Like a moth to the flame, there was no escaping him. Too deep in her thoughts she'd cut herself. On accident of course but what she'd done after . . . . . She'd let the wound bleed and bleed until she felt dizzy and faint. Weakly moving around, she'd cleaned up and dressed the wound before coming back to her room. She lay on her bed now, curled into a fetal position. Her eyes were closed, taking deep breaths in an attempt to even her breathing. Her emotional pain sought an outlet and she was afraid of it manifesting into self-mutilation.
Her thoughts no matter how much she sought to vanish them kept circling back to him and to their time together. Not the dream, she refused to think about that but to their weekend. This last weekend to be precise. He'd been different, touching her hair and her face. Caressing her lovingly. She'd almost cried. Her eyes had teared and she'd choked back a sob. He'd been confused, asking her what was wrong. Of course she hadn't answered him only worrying him more. He'd comforted her in the only way he knew how and that had nearly crushed her heart. She was being dragged in two different directions and it was only a matter of time before she broke. She would shatter into a million pieces that no one would ever be able to put back together again.
Things where getting worse for her. She couldn't be with him anymore, at least not without taking some sort of drug beforehand. She was afraid of where they were headed. Things where progressing extremely quickly between them, sleeping with him, it wasn't just about sex anymore it was love and she knew it. He made love to her. And it was killing her. A soft sob escaped her lips and she squeezed her eyes tighter.
Her hate seemed to intensify when she was alone. It pained her and reminded her of all that he had done. The suffering he had caused and all she would have to endure when they finally where apart. She knew how it was to loose the one you loved. Another sob escaped her.
She had caught herself watching him sleep. Moving strands out of his eyes and stroking his cheek. The feelings she'd felt were familiar, the flutter of her heart and the softening of her eyes. She felt it might be the beginning of her demise. Try as she might she couldn't fight herself forever. She had been in love with him once, actually several times and it was only a matter of time before she fell in love with him again. Despite the hate and the hurt there was still a small part of her waiting for his embrace.
She hated that part, that weakness. It wouldn't be there if they'd been unhappy. It wouldn't be there if she hadn't loved him so much. She fisted her hands and curled tighter into herself, seeking protection from her own heart.
One day this would be over. One day she would see him writhing in agony over his loss. She had yet to devise the plan to ruin his life. But one of these days she would find a way she would have to before it was too late. Before she fell in love with him again.
As determined as she was, she had a feeling that the sentiment she felt would in the end subdue the anger eating away at her heart. She couldn't allow that to happen. Hate would win over love. She would make sure of it, even if it was the last thing she ever did. Her hate would win out over his love. She rocked back and forth telling herself it wasn't a lie. It was the truth and so it would all be all right.
It was a long time before she was able to open her eyes. Her eyes were puffy and pink, she could hardly see. The curtains were still drawn and everything was blurry. She made the attempt to stand but it was useless. She was too weak to get up just yet. Sighing she leaned back, she was so tired, she wished she could just stay in bed the rest of the day. But she couldn't today there were things she had to do things that took priority over senseless rest.
*************
The sun peeked from behind white clouds, large clouds that held no shape, moving fast with a passing breeze. Thirteen hundred hours found Kenshin alone in the middle of a track field. A strong gust of wind descended on the camp halting him mid-step. The hairs on his neck began to stand on end, a sign usually associated with an oncoming threat. He stood stock-still for a full moment, sensing for any presence with mal-intent.
He frowned when he found nothing. All his men where on the south part of camp doing their training while the current army recruits remained on the northern part attempting to go through simulated mine fields.
Again the air stirred and he found worry seeping in, his thoughts trailed back to Kaoru and he hoped everything was all right. He had never really worried over someone before but he found his thoughts constantly filled with her state of being. It had only been a few hours since he'd left her but already he felt their connection weakening. Strange, he shook his head and dismissed the idea. Continuing his jog without further thought though the sense of urgency remained, lingering behind in the back of his head.
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"You understand this is very strong?"
Kaoru nodded taking the prescriptions from the physician's hand. " I understand." She conceded, hopping off the small bed. She put the note in her pocket and walked out.
It'd been a struggle and she'd debated with herself if this really was the right thing to do. She hadn't wanted to start taking Valium. It was easy to get hooked on those kinds of drugs and she really didn't need another problem. She already had so much to deal with she didn't need to become a drug addict on top of everything else.
She sighed in bitter disappointed. Why did she have to remember anything at all? She put her hands in her pockets as she walked down the street. This Monday had by far been the worst ever of her life. She hastened her pace, crossing the street just before the light tuned.
The smell of disinfectant was strong, greeting her even before she entered the pharmacy. She walked to the counter and handed her note to a smiling older woman. She wanted to be done with her errands and be back home before the clock turned to four. She stood off to the side with her vision on some point on the wall, thinking while she waited for her medication. These pills were only for the weekend since alcohol had a very undesirable side effect. Mainly being that she couldn't control her actions. She sighed regretfully; all she had to do was avoiding thinking about him and she couldn't even do that.
"Miss?"
Kaoru turned, smiled and handed her money over to the elder man. "Thank You."
The old pharmacist smiled and handed her a small bag containing a single bottle. He noted her trembling hands when she took the bag. He found it curious, why someone so young would need such a heavy dose of medication.
Kaoru rolled the bag and stuffed it into her pocket. Half bowed to the old man and left quickly. She couldn't help feeling guilty. She wasn't doing anything wrong of course but still. She couldn't shake the feeling off and almost ran out of the pharmacy in her haste to get away. These were necessary. She had told herself that for hours on end before she'd decided to visit the doctor.
The human mind despite belief is very frail. She was an idiot for begrudging him. Crazy for pushing him in this lifetime for something he did in the last. She knew that, she understood that but the problem stemmed from somewhere else. It came from her heart and this tear in her soul, she found that the only way she could mend it was by ruining him, killing him the way he'd killed her.
Was she sane?
It was hard to say, she simply didn't know. As of yet though she could still think and she realized she was running out of options. Her choices were limited, she could either let her hate explode which would only result in some act of rage or she could remain calm and wait this out till January. To the day rurouni Kenshin met his Kaoru-dono.
She just had to hold on. There was still much she had to do. She had to make sure he loved her, more than life and more than breath. He had to love her. When she was sure of that love then she could destroy him the same way he'd destroyed her. She would shatter his world. Any breakdown after that would be welcomed. She just had to wait.
She made her way to the curve and hailed a cab, feeling too conflicted to get around on her own. A familiar beep reached her ears and she was startled to find it was her phone. She moved away from the side of the street and answered her cell, "Hello."
"Where are you?" The male voice froze her thoughts. "Kaoru?" She took a deep breath and steadied her shaky hands. "I'm here."
*************
Kaoru entered the house not surprised to find him home. It was still Monday and he had left some hours ago but he had called her, something he had never done before. She put the takeout down on a table near the door, thinking ahead of time, she'd bought it just in case he were to come home.
He stood up the moment she walked through the door. Her face was pale and her eyes were puffy, she'd obviously lied to him when she'd said nothing was wrong.
A prickling sensation sprang behind her eyes. He looked too much like before. He was wearing all black, dressed in his army garb, the emblem off his camp stood off what with it being written in white.
Hesitation filled her first two steps but the closer she got to him the more hurried her steps became. Almost leaping into his embrace, she wrapped herself around him while hiding her face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his musky scent. He wrapped his arms around her, not sure why she was upset but glad just the same that he came home to check on her. Murmuring words of comfort as he held her body close captive in his hold.
Her eyes had fluttered closed and all she focused on was breathing; she leaned on him, clutching at his waist. There was something terribly wrong with her today. Her mind and sentiments were in disarray but despite the haze she could sense his thoughts and knew he wanted to ask her the cause for her distress. Knowing this, she kept her face tucked into his neck. It wasn't a good idea to pull away just yet, she wasn't ready to lie. His hands weaved into her hair running through the long strands, over and over in a soothing caress. She sighed against his skin, feeling the warmth of her breath bouncing back on her face. "Why did you come home today?"
"I was worried."
Small Notes: This chapter as you can see is full of dark undercurrents, foreshadowing things to come. Murder, suicide as well as self-destructive behavior are heavy in this chapter. A pattern that will grow dimmer since we now begin our descent towards the inevitable end.
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Please remember that anything between these lines means dream sequence. In this chapter it was Kaoru who had the dream. A small glimpse to her past with battousai
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In chapter seven, it is revealed that Kenshin (the rurouni) reverts back to battousai. The why and the how are not yet known. All we know is that he'd stayed up all night waiting for her to come home, he was angry by the time she showed up the next morning. He questioned her whereabouts and refused to believe her answers when he finally got them.
In this dream which is a glimpse to the past we see a confrontation between Kaoru and Kenshin. Their conversation leads one to believe that Kaoru has been purposely plotting to bring battousai forth the only problem seems to be that she has no idea what he's talking about. Is battousai seeing things? Again we are left in doubt.
All we know for sure about the past is that Kaoru fell victim to his touch because she already loved him.
The present Kaoru, startled out of sleep, still expects to see him when she wakes. Confused and disappointed she begins to cry; she really does want to keep him just as much as she wants to see his demise.
Love and hate are eating her alive and her deterioration is quite visible to the reader but not to Kenshin, who's spent no more than 72hrs at a time with her. Still he manages to sense enough that it worries him.
