Disclaimer – I do not own or profit from Saiyuki. If I did, this 'fanfic' would actually be canon, and posting it on this site would make the world implode. Which it obviously hasn't done. So there you go.

Rated M for slash, and things that haven't happened yet. Natch.

Again, with the Gaiden referencing. No 'real' spoilers, I don't think, but if you don't know Gaiden at all, well... Read at your own discretion, please.

Again, a huge thank you to my reviewers, flavored heavily with an apology – I got ill, then I got bogged down at work, and something had to give, whether it be my writing or my sanity; as I have very little of it left, I chose to save my remaining sanity. But now I'm back, brain cells more or less intact (or rather, as intact and functioning as they ever were), and I'm ready to deliver more of this zany story to you... (Seems I'm not the only one just barely clinging to sanity, am I, Hakkai? 'wink')

Oh, and to anyone who has e-mailed me lately - please forgive me, I'm trying to get back on the ball with that too...

Chapter Summary: In which Hakkai recovers, Sanzo and Gojyo decide his fate, and Goku gets a break so he can sit back and enjoy his meatbuns...

Take a cue from Goku and enjoy, please. Peace, all.

--X--

And When The Sun Goes Down

Chapter Six: Do You Know Who You Are?

by Ghost Helwig

--X--

There was a light. Golden, luminous... for just a moment, Hakkai completely understood where Goku was coming from, blindly following the only man who'd ever reminded either of them of the sun...

But he isn't blind, is he? He sees Konzen clearer than anyone...

The thought was gossamer – he couldn't hold onto it. It drifted away, leaving him in blessed, silent darkness once more.

--X--

When Hakkai came to again, the light was gone. Maybe it had never been... After all, with a soul as dark as his, could he ever be worthy of such a pure, golden glow?

But it didn't matter now. All around him was a thick, encompassing darkness; he thought he could hear, vaguely, the sound of one angry redhead, but he didn't give it much thought. Possibly he was hallucinating Gojyo's voice as well. He wouldn't put it past his brain, not anymore.

Look what I did, on your orders, you crazy mind of mine. I killed Sanzo. He saved me. And I killed him. Because you told me to.

He wondered if talking this way about himself meant he was losing it. He thought maybe it did. He wondered if he should care.

I paid back that golden light by bathing it in blood.

This world, where Sanzo was dead at his hands... it just wasn't worth living in.

So when the darkness came to claim him once again, he welcomed it with open arms, singing.

--X--

Smoke. Hakkai could feel his nose wrinkle in instinctive distaste. There was just something about that smell... he thought he could even learn to like it (instead of just patiently tolerating it), and that bothered him too...

"So. You're awake."

Was he? Yes, he supposed that's what he must be. He must be awake.

C'mon, Hakkai, let's see about opening those eyes, okay?

He cracked one eye open, and when the light (not golden, not brilliant and shining and blinding, just light; plain, simple - boring) proved painless he opened the other.

A veritable river of red was before him. He choked.

When the brief coughing fit subsided, his eyes cleared further. He could see Gojyo sitting not far from him, looking unnaturally grim, his hair catching the dim light; shining.

Rain still pounded on the roof. Hakkai wanted to cry.

"I..." His voice was raspy, as though it was straining from disuse. Or maybe the unshed tears lodged in his throat were the problem...

Gojyo's eyes were boring into him. He quieted.

Long moments passed in silence, broken only by the sound of the rain falling. Finally Gojyo sighed, ran one hand through his long hair. "Y'know," he said conversationally, as though this discussion were of no more weight than deciding who had to carry the groceries (actually, it sounded almost as though it were of less importance, which Hakkai knew was, just had to be, a filthy goddamn lie), "if you really wanted the monk dead, I can't say as I blame ya. But what'd he do? Forget to say 'thank you', like he always does? Put out his cigarettes on Hakuryu?"

No, Gojyo, that's always you, he thought, and the amusement nearly made him smile-

Until Gojyo's questions set in. And he couldn't bear to smile even inside himself any longer.

What did he do? I'll tell you what he did. He took advantage of a child, that's what he did. He raped a baby-

Only he couldn't say that, if only because the overly dramatic sentiment of it mortified him. No one had been raped-

But if you touch Goku, Sanzo, that's what it will be-

-no one had even really been hurt-

But he will be, Sanzo, it isn't right, you have power over him, don't abuse that-

-and Gojyo would think him crazy if he said anything along those lines.

-you should know better-

-dammit Sanzo-

Though he probably thought he was crazy already. And who knew? Maybe he was.

After all, killing one's friends, no matter what one of them had done (or not done, or just wanted to do; so obviously wanted), had to be the sign of encroaching insanity...

-How could you, Sanzo? He loves you-

"S... sanzo?" he asked, voice barely able to go above a whisper. Gojyo frowned deeply.

The look made Hakkai's heart break.

-I love you.

A movement in the corner of the room caught his eye, and he turned his head just in time to see Sanzo come around the bed to stand just beside the shadows near the door. His fair hair gleamed brightly, and Hakkai suddenly realized – 'you're right, Goku, he really is like the sun', an amazed and bemused god whispered to a thrilled child – Sanzo really was like the sun Goku compared him to. Harsh, constant-

Blinding in his intensity.

And now, with (the sun) Sanzo staring right at him, overwhelming him, his voice was stolen all over again.

But that, as it turned out, was alright. Sanzo had enough to say for the both of them.

"I'd ask what the fuck you were thinking," he growled, and the unnaturally gravelly tone to his voice was not lost on Hakkai (I must have hurt something in his throat, he thought wildly, feeling once again ill), "but I'm fairly certain you weren't thinking at all."

Gojyo shot Sanzo a warning look, but unsurprisingly, Sanzo (the man who noticed everything – and bowed down to nothing) blatantly ignored it.

"Well, Hakkai," Sanzo went on when Hakkai stayed silent, "what do you have to say for yourself?" Then, showing a vicious shrewdness Hakkai should've known to expect of him:

"Or should I call you Gonou now?"

Hakkai flinched.

"Hey," Gojyo began, but Sanzo had already flung open the door and stalked out.

When Gojyo looked back to him, Hakkai floundered, searched desperately for something to say to ease the panic-induced bile rising in his throat-

"It's fine, Gojyo," he finally blurted. "Truly. I understand perfectly. After what I – what I did-"

He floundered again, but this time Gojyo took up the slack. "Yeah, about that," he said slowly, "you gonna explain it or what?"

What can I say? What can I possibly say that won't make you hate me?

"I..." He paused, licked his lips; tried again.

"I... I can't say I understand it myself. I know that I... saw Sanzo, with Goku, and... I suppose I... I suppose I panicked and... and I... I hurt..."

I hurt them.

But he suddenly couldn't say anymore, couldn't finish that damning sentence. And Gojyo was just staring at him, looking at him with those vivid crimson eyes, eyes that spoke of too young a life spent in too much pain, seeing too much blood...

"Goku," Hakkai finally blurted, "did I – is he okay? Is he alright? Did I-" Did I kill him in my haste to save him?

But no – had I done that, I would not have woken again.

Sanzo would have seen to it.

"Doc says he's fine," Gojyo said, bringing Hakkai's thoughts back to him, and out of the horrible darkness of a world wherein he had been responsible for snuffing out Goku's own brilliant light. "Got a pretty bad bump on his head, and for a few hours there it was kinda touch-and-go, but the kid's already up and whining."

"Wait a minute," Hakkai said quickly, something strange and dark and nervous dawning on him, "'for a few hours'? Exactly how long have I been out, Gojyo?"

And was Gojyo suddenly squirming – just a little?

"Well," he drawled, briefly looking anywhere but at Hakkai, "when Sanzo got up, he was even pissier than normal, and he had the doc give you something to keep you asleep..." At Hakkai's slightly alarmed look, Gojyo hurriedly added, "hey man, it was either drug you, or kill you. And guess which one monk-boy favored."

Staring at Gojyo's abruptly innocent-seeming face, Hakkai couldn't help but think, it might've been better if you'd let him kill me, my friend. For all of us.

(And he knew Gojyo knew what he thought, about his own death and his being saved all over again, because Gojyo always knew and Hakkai was smart enough to know that, and accept that.)

But who could say that, when confronted with those haunted, haunting eyes?

"I'm sorry, Gojyo," he whispered instead. The look he received in return said plainly: d'you really think I'm the one you need to be apologizing to?

But Gojyo didn't say anything about that. Rather, he smiled a little, his own wry apology, and muttered, "I'm sorry, too, Hakkai. Because I have to keep you locked up for now."

"Oh." He looked down in dim surprise, only to find that his hands and legs were indeed bound to the bed. Funny how he hadn't noticed that – but he could hardly blame Sanzo and the others for their caution... "Sanzo's idea, I suppose?" His tone tried for light-hearted humor, but he was afraid he probably just sounded tired.

Gojyo didn't seem to notice. "No," he said finally, still staring straight at Hakkai when he elaborated.

"Mine."

And that, well... that made sense, too.

And as Gojyo made some excuse and left the room, Hakkai was left to wonder just how many more things he had ruined with his most recent – and damning - bout of insanity.

--X--

"He's losing his goddamned mind."

Sanzo took a deep drag off his cigarette, and Gojyo, showing more sensitivity to Sanzo's hair-trigger temper and swinging moods than ever before, politely ignored the coughing fit that ensued. (Even though what he wanted to do was say oh-so-sweetly, 'you might want to lay off the cigs while your throat is healing, cherry-chan' – but who wanted to get shot point-blank range by an irate monk over a few lousy cigarettes? Let the man hack up a lung; it might teach him something.) When Sanzo had recovered, and was casually flicking ash off the end of his cigarette, Gojyo finally spoke.

"He seemed coherent enough when he was talking to me," he said carefully. Sanzo sneered.

"So Mr. Mono-Syllable didn't fly off the handle and try to kill you? How lucky for you."

"Listen to me," Gojyo snarled, his own temper flaring in the way only Sanzo's attitude could ever bring about, "until we know exactly why he did what he did, we can't just-"

"It's the Minus Wave."

Gojyo blanched. Sanzo just shook his head, blond hair shading his eyes.

"It... it can't be," Gojyo finally said, voice hoarse and strained and openly horrified (terrified). "He can't have just... Goku and I haven't..."

"You're not a full youkai," Sanzo pointed out. He stubbed his cigarette out roughly, practically smashing the end into the ashtray. "And Goku isn't really a youkai at all, is he?"

At another time, Gojyo would have asked, so what is he then, or maybe simply joked, yeah, the monkey is just a stupid monkey. But now was neither of those times. He felt no desire to joke, and no need to ask silly questions he didn't have the energy to spare worry for the answers to. He had, quite frankly, more important things to fret about. For instance-

"You can't kill him," he blurted, glaring hard at the hidden eyes of his companion – who he knew could kill him, because he would and Hakkai would let him, and moreover despite what he himself might say they all knew Sanzo was the leader here, the power – and wishing Sanzo would look up, so Gojyo could see him, and judge the truth for himself before Sanzo spoke and covered the truth with his pride...

"I won't kill him," came the quiet response. And Sanzo did look up then, a wounded something shining in his eyes for just a moment, just a split-second before it disappeared. Gojyo was struck utterly dumb, his opinion of Sanzo as someone hard and cold and who felt nothing struggling to remain aloft, so that he heard Sanzo's next soft (but still rough and hard and ice-cold) words as if from far away.

"But he stays locked up until we're back on the road. And if he tries anything like this again, or even twitches in a way I don't like, I'll shoot him. And you better not whine to me afterwards."

"Yes, Sanzo-sama," he said, because the sarcasm was expected of him, just as the callousness was expected of Sanzo (we all have our roles to play, don't we? And it seems Hakkai is trying to return to his role of psychotic mass murderer. But where is the revenge here?).

He heard Sanzo mutter something under his breath, and it wasn't until Sanzo stood up from the small table that Gojyo registered his words.

"Fool me once..." Sanzo had whispered. Aloud, Gojyo finished the phrase for him.

"...shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

He thought he saw the barest hint of a smile grace Sanzo's lips before he turned away.

--End Chapter Six--