The aftermath was always the best part.

Blood-curdling screams. Crimson stains on the walls and floor. The crunch of bone under my perfectly polished boots.

It's a beautiful thing, death.

A lot of people ask me, Why?

I laugh and counter, Why not?

You don't see as much death and pain as much as I have without being affected. Without being severely fucked up.

And you don't try as many times as I have to make things better, and fail, without beginning to wonder what the bloody point is.

The answer is, there is none. There is no point. No matter how many times you try and fix things, they will always end up broken.

As the old adage goes, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

I sure as hell wasn't part of the solution. I began to realize that when Sirius died. It was cemented when Ron was tortured in front of me, and I, frozen by a binding spell, couldn't do a damn thing.

I think that was the breaking point.

Ten years ago, Draco Malfoy offered me friendship, and with it, power. I rejected him.

I was incredibly stupid. No, not stupid, just naive.

Four years ago, we spent the night in an empty classroom. Glistening with sweat and breathing heavily, he offered it again. I had long since lost my naivete. I was jaded and feeling utterly helpless. I did the only thing that made sense.

I accepted.

Our relationship blossomed, and so did my new-found talent for the Dark Arts. There were several times I questioned both, but they offered such an incredible sense of safety and belonging that I never seriously considered turning my back.

The killing was extremely unsettling. At first. I had not yet broken completely. I had not yet numbed myself to the screaming -- my God, the screaming --, the blood, the exposed internal organs, the faces frozen in death.

But he was always there after. Always waiting, a content smirk on his handsome face. He would pull me into his arms and kiss me deeply, and it would be okay.

And eventually, I adapted. I had no choice. Once you're in, you're in for life, and you really prefer it that way.

So now you ask me, If I had it all to do again, would I choose a different path?

Perhaps. But I doubt it. This cell may not be my first choice of residence, but I've seen worse.

And Draco said it best.

No Regrets.

fin