Note: Another chapter, hurrah, yippie, woohoo! I must admit I was a little intimidated to write after seeing your reviews and noting how much you all liked it so far. I'm scared I'm going to ruin it and your high expectations now. Lol, na, I'm just kidding. Thanks for all the ideas though, some of them I was already thinking of doing, others I was like "woah, that's a great idea!" So thanks again. Enjoy! AND I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE! I'm working on several stories at once. Best stick to funny though as my serious stories never do as well as these ones.
HassaWassa: Yes, you must wait to find out. Noone must no, it's a secret. I used one of your ideas. Muhahaha and am using most others too ... 80's, have the best one. But not yet, you have to wait. Haven't seen Tron and am now beginning to think I should.
PantagonMerlin: Potential to be funny? You mean it's not already? Awww. Thanks for the heads up about annoymous people. I now accept them. Lol, makes it better.
puddles1311: It's all random. Everything is random. Must write something NOT random, but so hard. Liking the ideas. Excellent!
Snow'sLuckyCat: Are you following me? lol, just kidding. I love your reviews. I love reading them. Sorry update took so long.
BeachchickJASSNL: Updated, hurrah! You can finally read more.
stevewraith: You have your suspicions ey? Only so many people it coud be though. Lol, I want to know who you think its going to be.
CaptainBlackAthena: Not telling! And plenty of cruel things. Can't wait till McShWeir get together though, going to get messy and WILD! Muhahaha! You want StarWars? Read my other fic StarWars:Atlantis, you'll like.
RachelKirk: In regards to ships, I am a ShWeir person, so there will be that. But anything goes as this is CRAZY! Thanks for reviewing.
AN: Before I forget, when FLASH appears on a seperate line, this is a change of scene, a change of chanel if you will and a new section begins. You'll get the hang of it pretty quickly though.
Disclaimer: This story contains segments from numerous movies, television shows and stage performances. I do not own anything that you recognise, especially not StarGate Atlantis.
Channel Surfing!
Chapter Two
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John shuffled uncomfortably in his recliner chair up the front of the coach. The movie that the driver had put on for them was the most boring thing he had ever seen, so he didn't watch. They seemed to have stopped moving now, so he unbuckled his seat belt, stood up and stretched. His hands collided with the roof of the bus ... he was crowded, he needed to get out and stretch his legs.
Rodney was snoring loudly in the seat next to him, a line of drool rolling down his chin and a small cloud of fog disappearing and reappearing on the window he leant against. Everyone else seemed to be doing the same thing, either sleeping or just dozing off, even the driver's head seemed to be lolling to one side.
Glancing out the window John was disappointed to see that it was raining. Didn't look like he was going to get to stretch his legs any time soon. Didn't seem like such a good idea anyway, looked kind of creapy out there, cages, puddles, mud ... John hated mud, always made him feel so dirty.
The reflection of a shifting passenger was reflected in the window and John turned about to see an old balding man crossing his legs uncomfortably.
'You alright?' John asked.
'Yeah,' the man said.'I just really need to pee.'
'Well go then, it's just out there.' John pointed to an old rickerty one man dunny outside in the pouring rain. It wobbled about dangerously as the wind struck at it's frail walls.
'Hey yeah! Wow, must be my lucky day. Thanks John.' Smiling happily and pushing his way past the lady he was sitting next to he moved up to the coach driver. He nudged him gently, whispered and the doors were open for him. He stepped out and with a happy splash he skipped to the toilet.
The driver sipped a glass of water that he kept on his front dash board, which had convenintly not been spilled by his dreadful driving. Once he had drank enough he returned it and settled back into his seat.
John sighed and sat back down. It had been the most boring tour ever, he didn't even remember any of it, but he knew it had been boring. He stared at the gentle falling rain outside and blinked sleepily, his eyelids feeling very heavy. He yawned and looked over at Rodney who turned almost immediatly, snorted loudly and then continued on sleeping and snoring right in Johns ear.
He shifted over in his seat hanging out almost into the aisle. He stared out the opposite window instead, cursing Rodney loudly. The water was trickling down gently, almost like a small waterfall, it twitched and continued to fall, then it twitched again. John sat up and stared more closely at the window. Why was the water twitching? It did it again. This wasn't good, obviously the bordom had damaged his brain and he was seeing things. He decided to stare at the front of the coach instead.
If he squinted, he could just make out a line of ants crawling eagerly along the dashboard towards the drivers glass of water. John would have loved to be one of those ants at that moment, journeying to the unknown giant water container ... then it twitched. The water in the glass was twitching, just like the water on the window. John was very interested now and he stood up and made his way towards the glass untill his nose was intches away from its cool exterior. It twitched again and this time, he felt a gentle vibration from the floor of the bus.
Next came the thumping ... he didn't know from where, it was quiet, barely audiable, but he heard it. He decided to wake Rodney up, just to make sure he wasn't completly mad.
'Whaddyawantfromme?' he asked groggily as John shook him awake.
'Rodney ... shhhhh! Do you hear that?'
'Hear what?'
'That sound. That thumping sound.'
'No John, go back to sleep.' And with that he rolled over. John sighed loudly as another thump was let off ... then another. They were becoming more frequent now.
Rodney turned back around.
'Alright John, that's not funny.'
'No Rodney, it's not me ... look.' John pointed to the rippling glass of water on the front dashboard. It twitched with each thump.
Rodney stared dumbfounded at the glass. Then he looked blankly at John, then he got up from his seat, pushed a button near the driver which caused the bus doors to open and then he stepped out into the rain. John followed.
John hated rain, always made him feel so ... wet. He continued to follow Rodney who had now began making his way towards the back of the coach. John stepped in a puddle, a rather large puddle. His shoes got wet, such a shame too, they were his favourite shoes. Looking down into the puddle angrily John noticed it twitching. This time the thump that went with it was very loud, John could even feel a much stronger vibration on the ground.
He quickly ran to Rodney's side.
'Rodney, what's going on ...'
But Rodney was starring, his eyes wide open, his jaw dropping into the mud with a very blank expression on his face.
'Errr, Rodney?' John said waving his hand in front of Rodney's face.
Getting no reaction John followed Rodneys eye line untill he saw what the goofy man was starring at. There in the distance was a figure, a colosule figure, a gigantic figure and it was getting bigger.
'R-Rodney?'
'John ... do you know what that is?'
'No. Do you?'
'I think ... I-I think it's a walking tree!'
'A walking tree?'
'Yes!'
'How can a tree walk?' John turned to Rodney who turned to John.
'I don't know, it's the only explanation.'
'No it's not, your mad, absolutly bonkers, your out of your tiny little mind -'
John continued to yell at Rodney who suddenly turned very pale.
'John ... It's not a tree ... it's something much worse. I-It's a T-rex!'
'A T-Rex?' John laughed his head off. Rodney was going mad ... it was at that moment an ear peircing roar erupted around him and John turned around to see a giant T-Rex hovering right above their coach.
John slapped his hand over Rodney's mouth as the man screamed like a girl. The T-Rex didn't hear though, it's attention was drawn towards the coach, the peoples screams onboard were far louder then Rodneys little squeak. The T-Rex lifted one of it's massive feet and brought it plummeting down on the top of the coach. The coach was condensed to the thickness of a sheet of paper.
But the T-Rex didn't stop there, it sniffed the air and headed off to the small little rickety toilet. It slashed it's tail violently and the toilet was simply turned into dust. There, sitting on the loo with his pance about his ankles was the old balding man that needed to go to the toilet so bad. John and Rodney could only watch helplessly as the man was chomped up by the T-Rex.
When it was finnished with him, it sniffed the air once again and then it's hungry yellow eyes snapped straight around to John and Rodney.
'Eep,' John said.
Rodney screamed again.
'Time to move,' John said and he ran for his life. He knew Rodney was following, he could hear him splashing around behind him. 'Faster, Rodney,' he yelled encouragingly.
John didn't dare look behind him, he concentrated only on where he was running, if they could just make that fence they could hide from the T-Rex in the trees somewhere. He splashed into a puddle, a big puddle and ...
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... he fell into a giant ocean.
'Rodney?' he called out. But he was all alone. There was nothing. Just him in the giant ocean with nothing but the sea-gulls for company.
Then he saw it. Well he heard it first, then he saw it. As if out of know where a tune began to play, 'dun na ... dun na ... dun na dun na dun na DUN NA DAN NA!'
John yelled loudly as something ... a huge something ... broke through the water just a couple of metres in front of him. It was a shark, a gigantic big shark with hundreds upon thousands of teeth. It dove back under the water and John screamed again. He was doomed, he was done for, there was nothing that could save him now. He didn't want to die, there was so much he still had to do.
'JOHN!' John spun around in the ocean just in time to see a hand scoop him out of the water. It was Rodney, in a really nice looking speed boat.
'Rodney? OH MY GOSH! I LOVE YOU!' John resisted the urge to kiss Rodney. He was alive.
But the shark wasn't going to give up that easily. It was under their boat, they knew this because right at that moment its hard head colided with the bottom of Rodney's really nice speed boat and blew it to smitherins. John and Rodney were thrown from the boat and back into the deadly ocean. John yelled again as he saw a giant fin move towards him. The sharks eyes surfaced in front of him, then he was looking into it's giant jaw and ...
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... John felt very strange. He was swimming in the ocean, he was a fish. It was a great feeling. Yet somehow, he was depresed, very depresed. Deaply depressed.
'G'day mate! What can I do ya for?'
John swum around and met with a strange looking crab. The words seemed to pour from his mouth before he really knew what he was saying.
'I'm looking for my son Rodney. He was taken by some fisherman and all I have to go on is "P.Sherman. Wallaby Lane. Sydney!"'
'Hey, I heard of that joint. Me cousin grew up there, nice bloke.'
John rolled his eyes as the talkative crab yacked on about his cousin. He needed to find his son, it was very important.
'Excuse me, I'm sorry, I don't have time for this. If you could just point me in the direction of - thankyou.'
John followed in the direction that the crab had pointed in. He swam as fast as his little fins could take him. He had to find his son, he was very important to him. A little annoying maybe, a little over talkative, but very important.
Then John came to an abrupt stop ... he had definatly seen that floating spec before. He needed to ask someone for directions, anyone. Then he saw another fish, just off into the distance.
'HEY! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!' he yelled. The fish must have heard him for it changed directions and came right at him. Suddenly the fish wasn't quite so small anymore, it was huge. Getting huger. John let out a frightened yell as the fish turned out be a massive whale, about to swallow him whole ...
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... John called out to Rodney, but he didn't hear.
Of course he didn't hear, John was about the size of a bee. Stupid Rodney and his stupid shrinking invention. Why did he have to be so dumb and invent such dumb things.
'Rodney you idiot! I'm down here!'
But the gigantic Rodney still kept walking towards John as though he didn't hear a thing. John gasped, Rodney was going to step on him, he knew it. He was coming at him too quickly. He had to get higher, hope that he was seen before he was Sheppard Goo.
He saw a near-by rose. It's stem was absolutly covered in prickly thorns. Perfect, he could use those to help him climb the stem, almost like a ladder. He approuched the flower. He started climbing. It was the biggest darn rose he had ever attempted to climb. He felt like he was climbing forever. His arms became heavy, he could feel the sweat pouring off his back, falling into his eyes. Finally he could see the top. He got there, he stood on the flower, he yelled triumphantly. Then he looked up to see Rodney's giant foot bearing down on top of him.
'RODNEY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ...
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... John was large. John was butch. John was ... green?
'So John! Where's this princess at anyways?' John looked down at Rodney who had just spoken. Rodney who was small. Rodney who had four legs. Rodney who was ... a donkey?
'Now Rodney. I told yur already, just shut yur little trap and we'll find her. If yur just keep quiet we wont get inter any trouble.'
'Yeah! And we wont wake that dragon up either. You remember that dragon don't ya John? That mean ol' dragon wes were told about by that prince who's really short and has that castle that's really tall ...'
But Rodneys dumb rambling was cut short by the roar of a giant, pissed off female dragon.
'Now look what ya did! Yur stupid donkey!'
John and Rodney ran. They ran for their lives. They had to rescue the princess, but they couldn't do it if they were dead. First thing was first, they needed to take out the dragon. John spun around. He was big, he was green, he was an Oger and even though he had no idea what that meant, he would get that dragon. Then he noticed Rodney was no longer behind him?
'Rodney?'
'Help me John? I'm too young to be made love to by a dragon!'
John looked up and saw the female dragon, Rodney delicately in her arms, fluttering her eyelashes inocently ...
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... John looked at Rodney. Rodney looked at John. John inpsected the room. Rodney inspected himself. Rodney looked at John. John looked at Rodney.
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' They yelled in perfect unison. It was all they could do. They were fine, they were OKay, they were in one peice. But for how long would they stay like that. They had just seen and done things they never thought possible. They were frightened. Everyone else around the room woke up as if in a daze.
'I'm alive! I'M ALIVE!' one of the scientists yelled.
'I thought I was flattened,' another of the scientists yelled, looking unusually excited about his whole ordeal.
A short balding man in the corner said, 'I'm never going to the toilet again.'
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He cursed angrily. Prodding at the remote buttons as though pressing them harder would once again make it work.
'Damn!' he said, running his hand along his silky hair in frustration.
Why it had suddenly stopped working, he had no idea. He had just been enjoying the show of Rodney and John being tortured when the stupid device had stopped working. Why wasn't it working?
He turned it over and laughed loudly.
'Batteries,' he said matter-of-factly and slid open the back compartment.
He pulled out the two batteries inside. No-names. No wonder the remote had gone dead, such a work out needed a good brand of batterie. It made perfect sense really. But where was he going to find batteries? There wasn't much time left. He needed to find some spare ones quick. If Rodney or John reported what had happened to Elizabeth, she would find a way to watch that tape. She would find away to stop him. Dumb girl! She always found a way.
What if they watched the tape ... would they have enough time for that? Quickly, he dashed for his suitcase. Once there he pulled out his CD player. Two batteries were inside. Perfect ... whilst they wern't entirely new, they were better then nothing.
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John and Rodney didn't even to stop to wonder why they had suddenly come back to reality. They left the video room, they left the scientists and military men and they ran. They were headed for Elizabeth's office. She needed to know what had happened. She needed to be warned. And heck, they both needed a shoulder to cry on.
'Where are you two going in such a hurry?'
John stopped abruptly as Bates stepped in his running path.
'Move it Bates, we need to speak with Elizabeth urgently.'
'Why? Did you find something?'
'No. We just need to speak to her because we've hit a rather big snag,' Rodney intervened.
'She dosn't want to be desturbed unless progress has been made.'
'What are you? Her errand boy? Since when has she left you to pass messages on to me! Get out of my way.'
Rodney rolled his eyes at Bates and Sheppard. They were wasting time. They may be safe for now, but for how long.
'Look, we did find something. And we have to speak with Elizabeth now!'
Bates completly ignored Rodney as he and Sheppard continued to size each other up.
'You're a BLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP ing BLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP of a BLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP who outta BLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP with his BLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP and never BLEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP ing BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP cause you're a BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP -ock sucker!' John said looking smug.
Rodney stared at John, who looked at him.
'What?'
'Did you just call Bates an ock sucker?'
'No. I called him a BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP -ock sucker.'
Rodney looked around urgently. Bates looked confused and angry yet satisfied at the same time. John had been censored, that much was clear. Which meant that the remote was ...
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AN: does the happy dance so much fun. I like it. I really, really, really want to hear from you all and know what you think. Once again, sorry for delayed update and thankyou for ideas and kind reviews. Was so much fun. What's going to happen to Bates, Rodney and John now? Ack!
Scenes were taken from: "Jerasic Park", "Jaws", "Finding Nemo", "Honey I shruk The Kids" and "Shrek".
