Chapter 13: For The Best
Carter and Susan were both nervous about taking Abby to County, a place where everyone knew her, where her friends worked. Seeing how she was right now, she was not the same person she had been a few days ago. And they both knew that this was going to be as big of shock for everyone else as it had been for them.
This was no longer the strong independent, stand on her own to feet Abby. This was a woman who when you glanced at her appeared to just be tired and worn out, but yet if you knew Abby, or had known Abby, you saw something completely different. You saw someone who had lost that spark in there eye, someone who had checked out of this world. She had been through so much and yet had stood her ground until now.
Carter drove Susan and Abby to the hospital. The drive over seemed longer than it had ever been. It wasn't the traffic; for it was flowing smoothly there was no rush right now. It was the worry that was racking at his brain, the what if's, that which might happen. How did you fight an enemy that you could not see? For them that was fear, you can't see it, you can't touch it, and you can only feel it. It wraps it's arms around you and embeds itself into the very depths of your soul. It can make your heart beat faster, make you see what isn't real, and for Carter and Abby, it was so very real and seemed to be an adversary that one could not beat.
He knew he needed to get her someplace safe, someplace where they could help her, to keep her from hurting herself or accidentally hurting someone else. She had seemed to have lost connection with what was real and that which was playing in her mind. And no one but Abby knew what was playing in her mind. He couldn't help but wonder would she snap and break even further, unlock herself from the trance like state she had fallen into a be angry and violent, a side of her that you never saw, but it was all too much a part of human nature when one's fight or flight instincts kicked in.
She was so silent sitting there, her head resting against the window as she appeared to be watching the cars as they passed them. But as the flashes of the cars passed by when one would normally blink to adjust to the colors and the changing visions in front of them her eyes were eerily still, she didn't blink, she didn't move, she was just there.
"Susan please tell me when are doing the right thing?" Carter could see her sitting there in the rear view mirror. Susan seated in the passenger seat next to him. Abby behind them both right now.
"You are Carter." She said reaching over and patting his leg, "we both know that this is for the best."
"Why is it so hard?" He said glancing into the mirror again just to make sure that she was okay, no not okay, but that nothing else had happened.
"Because you care about her." That was the simplest and most honest answer that Susan had to give to him right now. There were no wise words of wisdom that she could spout at him. No guarantees that everything would be okay. The last thing that Susan want to do right now was make promises that she knew she might not be able to keep.
Susan knew that Carter needed to be able to hold onto hope, because when things got hard it seemed to be the only thing that you had. She didn't want to take that away from him, but at the same time, too much hope was never a good thing and it would set him up for later hurt and heartbreak if things just didn't turn out the way that they all hoped they would.
Could Abby break free of whatever it was that had seemed to have taken a hold of her? She was the only one who held the answers to that and right now she wasn't going to talk to anyone. She didn't even seem to acknowledge that other people existed at all right now. Susan turned and looked at her, what was it like to be inside yourself like that. Her family was crazy but not like this. Abby's family was crazy but not like this either. This was something that was not normal, not unheard of or unseen not just something that you came across everyday and working in the ER, it seemed as if you saw just about every form, every kind of mental illness known to man.
"I do," Carter said now as he continued driving them. Trying to focus on something else for the few short minutes that they were driving yet his mind kept floating back to the worry that was there. You could be told a hundred times not to worry and each time you might be able to for a few minutes but it never took much to get that worry to creep back into your thoughts.
"You are doing the right thing Carter, whether it feels that way or not, it's the right thing." Susan said, "you can't second guess yourself or your decision right now. She needs help. I know you want to be the one to give it to her, but this is beyond you, it's beyond me. I know I wish that I could help her, to help you to help her, but we can't right now. It's time to call in the experts."
"Sending her to Meyers just seems like the wrong thing, that he's the wrong person to help her. What if he makes things worse than what they already are? What if he pushes her further away and she ends up resenting me for doing this to her?" Carter said back to her.
"That's a chance, a risk that we are going to have to take." Susan answered him, "those are all valid fears and concerns that you have, feeling that if you didn't have I'd be worried about you too, but you can't let that stop you from doing this. You didn't do this to her and she'll eventually see that you are not to blame."
"How can you be so certain?" Carter asked. "You seem so confident with your answer."
"Because I have faith that we are doing the right thing." Susan said, "and when you know you are doing the right thing, even if the person you are doing it for doesn't instantly see it, or know it right away, in time they will see that you only did it because you cared for them." That was the truth the only catch was Susan didn't know if Abby would be able to ever be aware enough again of the world around her to know what they had done, "that and you didn't do this to her Carter, this is not your fault."
"But it is." He said as he stopped the car in the parking lot now. "No one can say that this isn't my fault."
"Carter," Susan said putting her hand on his face to turn it so that he was looking at her, she needed him to not only hear this but believe it as well. "No, you are not to blame. Paul did this, mentally ill or not, Paul is responsible for his actions not you."
"Paul went after her because of me." Carter said pulling away from her, "if she wasn't involved with me, he wouldn't have gone after her. So I might not have stabbed her in back, I might not have been the one to actually physically hurt her, but I'm the reason, plain and simple that she's the way that she is right now."
"Carter, you can't believe that." She said, "you shouldn't believe that." Susan paused for a minute, "how do you know that Paul went after her because of you?"
"I…" Carter didn't know if he wanted to actually answer that or not. It would be so easy to tell Susan that it was just speculation but Carter wasn't good a lying he never had been and as much as he didn't want to tell her, he knew that he had to cause if anything else came out of his mouth she would probably pick up on the fact that he was lying now. "I went and saw him this morning, that's where I went."
"Why did you do that?" Susan asked as she now became a little more worried about his mental health, going and seeing Paul was the last thing that Carter should be doing right now.
"He had answers that I needed and I wanted him to tell me why he did it." Carter said, it was the most simple and direct answer that he could come up with, hopefully she would just drop it for now and not tell him that he had made some horrible mistake that he didn't need to be doing something like that.
"I hope you know better than to believe what he says Carter." Susan answered him back as she moved to get out of the car now, "he's going to tell you lies, his mind will twist that which isn't real and make it his reality."
"I know." He said rather flatly now, not wanting to get into this conversation right now. He got out and turned back to get Abby out of the car.
"As long as you know." Susan said, "let's get this done." That didn't come out the way that she wanted it to, but she also knew that this was the last thing that the two of them wanted to be doing.
Carter picked Abby up holding her close to his body now. Standing there next to the jeep just holding onto her for a few extra minutes. He didn't want to take her inside, he didn't want to have them lock her up to watch her, to try and unlock her mind, but he knew that was what needed to be done. Finally he managed to find the willpower and the strength to move again. It was going to be the start of what would be a very long day.
