Holding On Chapter 10- Growing Fear

Lizzie felt so angry with Gordo that she didn't even care that it was the first time in years she had seen him. How could he have taken Maggie with no warning to anyone? Abducting a child was a crime and if Lizzie hadn't loved him once she would have pressed charges, but she wouldn't stoop that low this time.

Then it came down to Maggie. Lizzie knew she was only four, but Lizzie thought she would have know better than to go off with a stranger. So the only thing left was to talk to Maggie. Lizzie had delayed this because she was so happy to have her back that she didn't feel like scolding her daughter. She decided to talk to Maggie before bed.

"Maggs," Lizzie said softly to her daughter. "Why did you leave school with a stranger?" Maggie looked at Lizzie with tearing eyes.

"I want to meet my dad." She said softly. "He said he as my dad, so I went with him." She looked so sad that Lizzie couldn't bring herself to yell at Maggie. After all she was only four. Didn't studies show that it wasn't until a child was about seven years old that they could truly tell the difference between right and wrong? So Lizzie decided that she wouldn't yell but rather teacher Maggie a lesson by scaring her.

"Don't ever, ever go with a stranger again, unless I say so." Lizzie told Maggie in a slightly raised voice. "Not everyone is a nice person some people want to hurt you." she said, then added as an afterthought "or even kill you." It wasn't something that would scare a teenager or even someone who was ten, but it would scare a four year old into never following people they didn't know.

Lizzie looked down at Maggie sitting on the bed, in her room, with wide eyes. She was scared. And why shouldn't she be scared. She didn't have many views on life and death yet except that she feared pain and with death came pain. Most young children think that. "Just don't talk to strangers or follow them." Lizzie said in a softer voice.

"M-mommy I-" Maggie started. Apparently Lizzie's story had scared her more then she had though it would.

"C'mon." Lizzie said picking up Maggie and carrying her to Lizzie's room. "You can sleep with me in here."

Maggie slept, but Lizzie didn't. She kept thinking about Gordo. Lizzie thought she had built a pretty stable life in Boston, even if she was in need of a little money, and she didn't want Gordo to come into her life and tear it up again. She had Maggie to think about this time around. Around 3am she came to the conclusion that she wasn't going to let him back into her life. Lizzie was going to completely ignore him.

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The next morning as Lizzie was waking up and checking the newspaper and she found a letter wedged between the sports section and the movie section. There was no return address, but Lizzie opened it anyway, having a guess that it was from Gordo. She was right. Inside was there was no letter, but a check instead. A check for $5,000. She crushed the check in her hand as Maggie came into the kitchen.

"Good morning!" Maggie said cheerfully, grabbing a piece of toast off the kitchen table.

"Morning." Lizzie said, clutching the check. "We've got to get going." Maggie took a bite of toast and then put it back on the table.

After Lizzie dropped off Maggie she endured a long morning at work. She was still at a loss as to what to do with the check. If she kept it Gordo would surely take it as a sign that she wanted him back. Lizzie knew there was no chance of that.

So by lunch, Lizzie decided to dispose of the check. Walking her usual route down the busy street to lunch she spotted a sewer. Tearing the check into many pieces Lizzie knelt down on the sidewalk and tossed the check's remains into the black sewer. As she watched the pieces flutter she thought if clothes and food fro Maggie, and rent money. She had let it slip through her fingers.

Lizzie felt awful giving up all the money, but she knew it would only encourage Gordo. She didn't need him anymore. She had a love life, even if her sex life was dead. They were two different things, and she intended to keep it that way. Lizzie let Jake ask all the questions he want, and get into her mid. However, when Jake so much as subtly suggested sex Lizzie pretended she hadn't heard. If she didn't have Maggie things might have been different. But now she couldn't afford to make any mistakes.

Someone calling her name broke her train of thought.

"Lizzie!" called Gordo. "Wait up."

"Gordo, what are you doing?" She said, exasperated. Lizzie couldn't say she was surprised to see him, she didn't think he would have given up on her already

"I thought we could talk. Your boss told me you always go to lunch this way." He said. She sighed and looked at him.

"You're not a very good stalker, you know that?" Lizzie told him starting to walk away again. Gordo grabbed her arm to keep her from leaving.

"I'm not stalking you." He said defensively. "So can we talk? Please?"

"Fine." Lizzie said. "But let's make it quick. I'm on my lunch break."

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They went to Gordo's hotel room as quickly as possible for a secure place to talk. Gordo was nervous. This was his one chance to get Lizzie back. He had to fight for his place in her life. However, Lizzie was thinking the opposite. She wanted to verbally back Gordo into a corner to make him see that it was over between them. Only disaster could come.

"Look, Lizzie, all I want is to be a part of your life and my daughter's life." He offered

"How many times do I have to tell you? She's not your daughter." Lizzie said. Gordo ignored her.

"I could help you too." He said, "You wouldn't be struggling anymore."

"OK. First of all, I'm not struggling whatsoever. And second, she's not your daughter!" Lizzie yelled.

"Then whose is she?" Gordo asked fiercely. There was a long silence as Lizzie contemplated telling him everything. She decided against it.

"I don't know." Lizzie said softly.

"So you were sleeping around? While we were together?" Gordo asked, calmly as possible.

"No!"

"Now who's lying? You can't even say who fathered your own child!" Gordo said. Inside he knew he had to stop this conversation for Lizzie would get very upset.

"Are you calling me a slut?" She asked not daring to believe it.

"Slut, whore, hooker, prostitute, whatever floats your boat." The moment he said it he regretted it. He had wanted her back so badly she had gotten low. He had gone way to far. He knew she couldn't stand him now.

She left without saying another word.