Chapter 21: Darkness Falls

Darkness was never and easy time for anyone. When the sun set it seemed as if that was the worlds way of opening up the tunnel for evil to emerge from it's hiding place. Lurking in the shadows were your worst fears. Daytime, when everything was bright there were not nearly as many places for it to hide, yet when the sun went down terror appeared.

It was no different for Abby. During the day was much easier, it was easier for her to face her fears to confront them, for there was no place for them to hide, there were no dark shadows where fear could surprise her and jump out at her.

She sat now huddled in the corner of her room, her knees hugged tightly against her chest. She had always been so strong, yet that strength had long abandoned her. She was doing so well at conquering her fear during the day, yet it was night that she was having the hardest time with. When everyone else was gone, or sleeping she was awake. Sleep had not yet returned for her. She had no normal schedule like other people she knew, going to bed and awaking the next morning, no she felt far, far from being able to achieve that.

She was reluctant to tell anyone about that either, fear of being told that she'd never be able to leave the confines of the hospital, which was beginning to almost feel like a prison to her now that she had been there for so long. She longed to be outside and feel the sunshine touching her skin, to feel the fresh air, or the breeze that blew in the windy city. She was more than ready to face the day… but that was the catch. Ready to face what lied before her during the day, never once mentioning the night.

Those who worked with her would ask her how she slept and her response was always the same, just fine, or okay, never that it had been a long night or that she had spent hours trying to take herself to that happy place they all urged her to think of when she would get overwhelmed or feel panicked. Panic attacks during the day were less than they had been when she had first emerged from the place she had gone to escape, that is during the day. At night it was different for she suffered them constantly, always wondering who might come jumping out from behind the darkened shadows that danced behind her door. She would get up from the bed several time to make sure that she was truly alone in her room, not trusting herself and no matter how hard she tried too, she couldn't trust those who promised to keep her safe from harm.

Part of her knew though that Paul wasn't going to be coming back to get her, to hurt her again. No one had kept the papers or the television away from her, she was free to read and watch, yet there was no reassure at all in that after what had happened earlier. When Paul attacked Carter they assumed that he would be kept under tight watch and yet with his manic tendencies he had managed to strike out again. Not violent was what they had been told, well he proved them all wrong, he was definitely violent and it was his violence that had shattered her once peaceful existence.

She started to rock back and forth now as the hours slowly passed. She had this feeling that something wasn't right with things outside the hospital. Carter had seemed somehow different when he had visited her. Normal he was very talkative, telling her about everything that had been going on but tonight he had been more withdrawn and quiet making her do most of the talking between them and it struck her not so much as odd, but more of as if that was his way of telling her that something wasn't right with him, but how could she help him when she couldn't even manage to help herself.

She could have told Susan, or rather could tell Susan when she came to visit. She really didn't have anything other than one night of odd behavior to base it off though. It wasn't like she got to spend tons of time with Carter, not while she was in here. She wanted to be out of this place but at the same time the thought of facing the outside world, especially at night horrified her to the point where this prison that she felt like she was in was a much better alternative.

Chalk it all up to paranoia of the umpteenth degree. Nothing would ever be right as long as she was here. No, that wasn't completely true and she knew she needed to be truthful to at least herself if to no one else. If she didn't lie to herself it might not be as bad as she thought it could be. If Abby knew anything it was that she was going to have to tell someone about this, about these feeling be it one of the doctors or therapists that she saw on a daily basis. Not in group… no this was something that you definitely didn't share in group therapy. But Abby never did share much in group anyway. She shared when it seemed fit to share otherwise for the most part she kept to herself. She didn't hate therapy it wasn't that, more like she didn't like to share the fact that she had been nothing more than a victim of something violent and that it had made her a weak individual. Stripping her of much more than pride.

Paul could have done so much more to him that what he had done. She could be a lot worse off that what had happened. She could have been dead, not that death would have been such a terrible thing, and she wouldn't admit to anyone, ever, that she had thought about taking that giant leap if given the chance. Yet there was one thing that kept her from making her thoughts a reality and that was Carter. No matter how bad things got for her, how far down she might have managed to sink, she couldn't do that to him. As long as she had Carter she would fight for life, or something that resembled life.

She closed her eyes again, this time thoughts of Carter filled her mind and she thought about reaching for the phone and calling him, all the times that he had called her at 2 or three in the morning. It was just now a little after midnight, maybe calling him wasn't that insane of an idea and maybe the calming sound of his voice would help her to get to sleep. She hadn't called him since she had been in here, usually their daily conversations were enough to get her through the night, tonight she needed something more, another form of security, and he was her rock that much she knew.

She picked up the phone holding on to it. She stared at the numbers that were on it. She hit the first few buttons and then something inside her made her put the phone down as if it had burned her hand. She sat there for a minute before picking it up again. Setting it back down as if she couldn't find it inside of her to actually call him. It was just a telephone and she wasn't sure just what she was afraid of. Perhaps it was of waking him up from his much needed sleep or finding that there was no one there to answer the phone. She just shook her head; it was almost as if she felt rather childish or embarrassed that she couldn't bring herself to dial a phone.

"Oh Abby." She said knowing that she was talking to herself right now, but there was no harm in that. "Just dial it, it's a phone, it's not going to bite you, he's not going to care if you are waking him up. You know that he's home and that he'll pick up."

It took her another 10 minutes before she was able to pick it up again. She was fighting a battle with her head over a telephone call. She slowly hit the numbers dialing her own phone number. She held her breath while she waited for it to ring. It seemed as if time stood still before she heard that first ring. Then there was a second, and a third. He wasn't picking up the phone. Maybe he was asleep and didn't hear it. There was always the chance too that he and Susan caught a late dinner. After it had rung for the fifth time, she heard the answering machine pick up.

"Hey John," Her voice was nothing more that a loud whisper if even that. "I was just calling cause I was having a hard time getting to sleep and well I thought that it might help to hear your voice." She wasn't sure why she had said that it just felt like the right thing at the time to say, "I guess you're sleeping so I will talk to you later."

Abby put the phone back on the bedside table and laid back in her curled up position on her bed. She knew that she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now there was just to much going through her head now. Sleep never came when your mind was running a thousand miles an hour. The night wore on and she spent most of it just laying there thinking and wondering. Finally as the sun started to come up that morning the need for sleep finally over took her body and her eyes closed.