Chapter VIII. Ruby Are You There, God?

At the lowest point in my life

When all hope was rock bottom

When dreams lost their meaning

And heartache threatened to engulf me

I turned to you.

I sought comfort from Your wisdom

And found my one consolation

in the consciousness of virtue –

I was redeemed only by my sincere efforts

To follow in Your footsteps

And love with no conditions.

I fought to learn Your gentle lesson

of divine love

I struggled to shoulder my cross

And carry on

Silent

Unquestioning

And with my weak, human spirit –

Resigned.

But ever trusting

ever faithful

and always

walking on.

I try to be willing

to accept my burden

and draw inspiration from the fact

that I follow in Your example.

I have come thus far.

I have survived this much.

I have kept only so much hope

as to sustain me.

Still I am uncertain

I am yet afraid

For more and more

I am coming to recognize

That for all my readiness

to live Your example –

My love cannot be perfectly divine:

I am born human

And my mortal soul cries out

With yearning for him

for the freedom to look in his eyes

for the right to touch his face

For the happiness I find

only in his arms.

I have endured this long

With the help of Your guidance

With the sweet echo of

times gone by

With the steely resolve to

never say die

Or if to die, then to die hard

and die fighting

… And always with

that faint and flickering,

that lingering hope

to someday hold

his hand again.

That hope has sustained me

It has carried me thus far

It has given me reason

To reach inside myself

and find the strength to survive.

Has it come to the point

Where I open my hand

And find that the hope I have clung to

Has crumbled to dust on my palm?

Shall I open my eyes

And see through the blood –

That's all it was after all…

Just the brief embrace

of two kindred souls

And forever

this unfinished feeling?

I know life can give

no guarantees

You teach us patience

And faith in Your will

Otherwise

We cannot call ourselves

Human beings

Only

Human existings.

Tell me –

After walking this far

Will my hard-fought sacrifice

become my hopeless sin?

Shall all my efforts

have been in vain

And have I wasted Your time

in confiding to You

All my cares and my hopes

and my trust?

Or is it simply that

You DO answer all prayers…

The harsh truth only that

Sometimes

The answer is – "No".