Titans aren't mine, Ryand'r's not mine, Ryan is mine, Bad-Man is mine, pretty much everything else is mine. We clear? Good.
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Arfenhaus Drive; Chapter 1: Axis of Randomness
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The Titans and Ryan managed to cram themselves into the elevator along with Ryan's things, which he had stuffed into a large cardboard box. Robin caught sight of a guitar bag strapped across the alien's back.
"Hey, you play?"
Ryan looked at Robin over his shoulder. "Hm? Oh, yeah. I really got into 80's rock a bit after I came to Earth. Naturally, I ended up learning how to play guitar."
"So what's your favorite band?"
"Aw, come on man, that's like asking you who your favorite Titan is."
"Starfire" Robin thought to himself. "I guess. You know, it's pretty amazing how quickly you've assimilated with Earth life. Nine years really isn't so long when you consider the fact that you're from a different planet; but you seem almost human. You speak fluently, play an instrument... you even have your own car. To tell you the truth, I never would've guessed you were a Tamaranian if you hadn't told me."
"Well, when I got to Earth, I practically fell in love with the culture; life here just seemed much more uninhibited compared to life on Tamaran. There was so much more freedom: a democratic, capitalist society, no slavery, and no peasants. There was freedom of choice and freedom of speech... The whole thing just amazed me and inspired me to learn as much as I could about my new home. I especially loved the music; which was completely different from anything I'd ever heard before. Back on Tamaran, we're pretty much stuck with hymns and chants."
"Ouch," lamented Beast Boy.
Starfire giggled. "Now brother, the hymns were not all that terrible, and much of the poetry was quite good."
"Kori, please, how many poems have you seen me sit through?"
Starfire thought about this for a moment. "Five."
"And how many of them weren't being recited by you?"
Another pause for thought. "None. But still, they are really not that bad."
"Mm-hmm. I guess four-thousand verse poetry was never really my thing."
There was a soft "bing" as the elevator reached the top floor and opened its doors; and its cramped occupants fell all over each other trying to get out. The result was a tangled mass of arms and legs at the head of the stairs, which proceeded to throw itself off the top step and roll to the bottom in a heap. In the confusion, Ryan dropped his box and it fell to the floor with a crash, spilling its contents on the floor in front of them. As the Titans began getting up off the floor, Ryan started cleaning up his things: Clothes, CD's, a few car magazines, a laptop computer, an iPod and headphones, and...
"Hey, what the heck is this?"
Beast Boy bent down to pick up a shiny metal object that had rolled into his foot. It was a metal rod of medium length, very similar looking (albeit slightly longer) to Robin's staff when it was retracted, a sort of silver nightstick.
"Don't touch that." Ryan said sternly, "You'll kill yourself."
"You're kidding, right?" Beast Boy asked apprehensively, holding the thing at arm's length between his thumb and forefinger. Ryan snatched it out of BB's outstretched hand and tossed it back in the box.
"Incidentally, yes."
"Dude, don't do that!"
Ryan gave him an innocent look.
"Do what?"
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Meanwhile, at an abandoned factory across town, Mumbo was handing over the sack of AA batteries to Dr. Bad-Man.
"There. Batteries. What the heck do you need with batteries anyway?"
The bag-headed villain laughed the Customary Bad Guy Laugh, "MHOO-HAH-HAH-HAA!!! Let me show the fruits of our labors! Behold! The great device that shall destroy the pitiful teenaged menaces and begin a new age of evil across the land! Behold, the Arfenhaus Drive!"
With that little speech, he threw a switch and activated two spotlights, which shone on a single spot in the middle of the floor. There, in the glow of the lights, sat the strangest device Mumbo had ever laid eyes on. Not only did it look extremely complicated, but half the junk covering the outer part of it seemed totally unnecessary. There were a bunch of buttons and several switches, about a dozen randomly placed lightbulbs in varying colors and shapes, and what looked like a piece of toast glued to the front. But there was something wrong with the toast... suddenly, two glowing red square eyes opened on its face, and a triangular black mouth appeared that flashed as it spoke these words:
"HahahAhahaha! Nwo I beZ comPl33t! I h8 j00 a1L!!! TaHnk U 4 teH c00keezz!"
Mumbo looked on in shock. Then he turned, wide-eyed and spoke to no one in particular.
"Good lord... I've created a monster..."
Bad-Man was utterly delighted. "This masterpiece is the brainchild of myself and my longtime assistant, L33t. L33t! Come here!"
A bizarre voice answered him:
"YeZz? WaHt u uuAnt?"
And then the most abnormal looking man Mumbo had ever seen stepped out of the shadows in the corner. The word "eccentric" hardly did him justice. The man's face was like something possessed: thin, lizard like eyes shaded by green-tinted sunglasses and a nearly nonexistent nose sunk into the face itself, which was contorted into a mass of wrinkles and folds. His long black hair was spiked straight up in the air so that each spike was about a foot and a half long, and the end of each spike (about the last six inches or so) was dyed bright green. His mouth, filled with impossibly long, yellowing teeth, was stretched into an insane grin that would probably split his head in half if it got any wider. His ears were slightly pointed, his skin was pale, his lips were nonexistent, and Mumbo could've sworn he'd seen a forked tongue. The strange man rounded out his demented ensemble with a neon yellow spandex suit with black racing stripes down the legs and arms. Black rubber gloves and boots adorned his hands and feet, respectively. His tight clothing showed off his not so impressive figure. His arms and legs were lean and gaunt, but a massive beergut showed through the tight suit.
"Eaten any good children lately?"Thought the magician.
Bad-Man turned back to Mumbo.
"Impressive, isn't he?"
Mumbo found himself at a loss for words. Bad-Man took no notice and continued to talk.
"I found him wandering about the outskirts of Gotham a few years back..."
"Arkham escapee."
"...He seemed to be the perfect evil accomplice, and I was thrilled to find that he had the design for the Arfenhaus Drive already planned out in his head..."
"Nut job."
"... We got to work on the design right away, of course..."
"What have I gotten myself into?"
"...which brings us to where we are today."
Mumbo strained himself to respond.
"...I-impressive..."
"Indeed. L33t, fetch those controllers, if you would please."
"YeZz MzHt3r!!1"
L33t strode off to a table in his shadowy corner and retrieved the controllers Bad-Man requested. He deposited them into the crazy doctor's hands and stepped back into the corner, almost as though he were afraid of the light. Bad-Man stared at the controllers with reverence.
"These are the tools we shall use to defeat the Titans," he crowed happily, "here, take one." He handed one of the three devices to Mumbo.
"Great, what is it?"
"This," Bad-Man declared, "is a control for the Drive itself. Seeing as we aren't going to lug that pile of parts off to wherever we need it to be, I've created a means of receiving signals from the Drive with these." He held up the controller for Mumbo to see.
"But this looks like a walkie talkie."
"That was its original purpose."
"You built receivers out of walkie talkies."
"Yes. Why else would I need so many AA batteries? Anyhow, back to the subject at hand... the drive works like this: Press the button and speak into the receiver. The Drive will hear you, and carry out whatever command you give it."
"How?"
"Well, after you give the Drive a command or request, and then it's up to the machine how to carry it out. And knowing the AD, it'll be a fairly incredulous method."
"Sorry, I still... don't quite get it. How does the Drive possess the power to do this?"
"The Drive can use its signal to bend the very fabric of reality to its will. It has the power to do anything. Anything at all, no matter how impossible it may seem."
"What?! But how?"
"Who knows? L33t designed it." Bad-Man leaned in close and whispered in Mumbo's ear. "And somehow, I don't think we're going to get it out of him."
"Hmm... I'm still not entirely clear..."
"Then perhaps a demonstration will convince you of its power." Bad-Man pressed a red button on the control and spoke into the microphone. "Drive, get Mumbo's hat and bring it to me."
"Hey, wha-?"
"GHUAAAAAARRRGH!!!"
A demented looking clown with razor-sharp fangs appeared seemingly out of nowhere and charged Mumbo on all fours with a screech, spittle flying from its painted lips. As it neared the now petrified magician, it leaped up into the air and snatched Mumbo's top hat off his head with its teeth. It then proceeded to deposit the hat into Bad-Man's arms, jump up into the air, and explode in a burst of chunky pineapple bits. Bad-Man turned to face Mumbo.
"Get it now?"
Mumbo shuddered violently and retrieved his hat. As he put the spit soaked hat back on his head, his horrified expression changed to one of sadistic realization.
"Y'know, I think I do."
"Right then. The AD still has a few kinks to work out, and it will only work on things in a radius of about a quarter mile from the receiver. As soon as the receiver goes out of range of anything the Drive has effected, the majority of effects will cease."
"Like...?" Mumbo rotated his wrist in a quizzical motion.
"Well, say you had the drive make a person spontaneously combust. After you had left the quarter mile effect radius, the person would suddenly appear again, completely unharmed."
"Would he remember what had happened to him?"
"Unfortunately, yes, so you'll have to be a bit careful about how you use the device."
"Whatever. Let's cause some HAVOC!"
"Yes! Now, all of the world shall know our name! The Axis of Randomness!"
"Axis of Randomness?"
"That's our name."
"Oh."
"Come! Mumbo! L33t! Laugh with me! MHOO-HAH-HAH-HAA!!! MHOO-HAH! MHOO-HAH! MHOO-HAH-HAH-HAA!!!"
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MUAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"
"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!1!!!1"
"MHOO-HAH-HAH-HAA!"
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!1!"
Okay... let's get away from the general insanity for a moment and head over to Titans Tower, where Ryan is getting settled in...
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Ryan was following Robin about the tower, listening as the Boy Wonder pointed out various facilties.
"...kitchen's over there of course, help yourself to anything in the fridge. Oh, but you might want to stay away from the green stuff in the back."
"Why? What is it?"
"We're not entirely sure, but we think it's the end result of the potato salad mating with the mystery loaf."
"I'll... remember that..."
"Girls' bedrooms down that hallway, guys' bedrooms down this one. There's a restroom and showers at the end of each hall and another one through this door. TV, Gamestation, Ybox, and GameTube (no relation to Playstation, Xbox, and GameCube) for all your entertainment needs, a row of computers over there, and training and weight rooms downstairs, if you feel like working out."
Robin walked towards the door leading to the boys' rooms and it swished open automatically as he stepped onto the pressure pad on the floor. Ryan followed him down the well-lit corridor until Robin stopped in front of a door about halfway down the hall. Robin hit a button on the keypad next to it and inserted a key card into the slot. The machine read the card and then spat it back out into Robin's palm. Robin handed the card to his guest.
"Here. You now possess the one and only key to this room. Congratulations."
There was a short pause as the two stared at each other. Robin was the first to speak.
"Well? You gonna open it or not?"
"Oh! Right." Ryan scratched the back of his head in an embarrassed fashion. He stepped up to the door and inserted the card. A green light flashed twice, and card was ejected. The door slid open. Robin entered the room and hit the lights. Inside the room was a bed, a closet, a desk, a bedside table with a lamp and a few drawers, and that was about it.
"Well, here it is: your room. True, it's not much, but we're really not too accustomed to having guests stay for extended periods. It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but bring your stuff in here and I'm sure you'll feel right at home in a few days."
"Heh. You sound like a real estate agent."
"Whatever. Breakfast at seven, lunch at noon, dinner at six-thirty, unless the bad guys say otherwise."
"Put out an extra place setting."
"You got it."
"Oh, hey, by the way, you get your man?"
"Huh?"
"The alert, dude, the alert. Did you get the blue guy?"
"Oh, that... er... not really..."
"No kidding," Ryan snorted, "I saw the whole thing on TV. It may not be my place to say, but that was pitiful. Where was the teamwork?"
Robin grimaced, straining to say the words he hated.
"I... know. It wasn't our greatest moment, I'll admit. We're gonna go and see if we can get a lead on Mumbo, and if not, then I'm going to lead the team in some training exercises to see if we can't get whipped into shape before our next fight."
"Not a bad idea, but if I may, I'd like to lead your training for today."
"Sorry, but it's like you said. We're a team. We have set attack plans and coordinated defensive maneuvers. If you were to come in now, we'd be more than a little thrown off."
"Maybe. Maybe not. If you continued to train the way you always have, what makes you think the end result won't be something like what happened today? Listen, all I'm asking is this one shot. I taught my sister to fight better than almost anyone; and I'm almost certain I can do the same for you. I've been through military training, and I know teamwork."
Robin sighed. Perhaps this could do the team some good. But still...
"Okay, look. Come to the practice session and watch us train. If you have a suggestion or something, you can give us a few tips and we'll just see how it goes."
"All right, but at the very least, I'll need some time with Kory. I'm really pretty impressed with your training; from what I've seen, you've managed to keep her up fairly well, but she's nowhere near her full potential yet. A few sessions with me, and the difference will be noticeable, I promise."
"Okay." He extended a hand to Ryan.
Ryan smiled and took the hand, pumping it rapidly.
"Thanks. You won't regret it."
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As Robin entered the living room, a strange sight met his eyes. Starfire was curled into a fetal ball, slowly rocking herself back and forth in the corner. Beast Boy sat on the couch and sucked his thumb. Cyborg just stood staring at the wall, his jaw slacked in complete shock. Robin approached Raven, who appeared to be the last still sane person in the room.
"What happened here?"
Raven pointed to the main screen.
"That happened."
Robin looked. It was all he could do to not start sucking his own thumb. He gaped in horror at the thing on the monitor. Yes, it seemed L33t had found his way into the business district and was using his Arfenhaus control to cause complete disorder in the streets.
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"LOLOLOL!!! Ki1L 11 teh ppl!" L33t screamed into his control.
Several nearby people erupted in flames.
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Robin's eyes widened in utter disbelief as L33t continued his rampage.
"We-we have to do something," he said, not taking his eyes off the screen, "I don't know exactly what that thing is, or how the heck it just did that, but it's up to the Teen Titans to stop it! Teen Titans, go!"
Ryan emerged from the hall.
"Hey, what's all the noise?"
"Our training session has been cancelled. Take a look."
Ryan looked.
"HOLY SH-!"
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"LOLOLOLLOLOL!!!1!! Fr1Ed cHikin!!!"
End Chapter
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I expect there are mixed feelings on this chapter. Some of you may find it hilarious; others might not get it at all. For those of you who have no idea what was up with L33t's stunted speech patterns or the Arfenhaus Drive in general, let me fill you in. First, L33t (pronounced "leet"; The 3's are supposed to be E's), is the name of the standard language of counter-strike and MMORPG nerds everywhere (I happen to be in neither category, thank you very much). The language itself is basically English mutilated by computer fonts.
Example:
English: "Hahaha! You suck, Joe!"
L33t translation: "lolol! U sUk, j0!"
See what I mean?
As for Arfenhaus, it's simply the name "Arfenhouse" spelled differently. Arfenhouse is the name of the most hilariously outrageous game/flash movie on the net. Both movie and game can be viewed at www. disasterlabs .com (dumb site won't accept hyperlinks...) Go there and watch the Arfenhouse movies, at the very least. They'll be classics someday. And if you do, you'll understand this whole arc a lot better.
