You know what I own. You know what I don't own. I'm sick of saying it, so there. Oh, except this one thing. The word "farque" belongs to me and three other bozos who shall remain nameless. You should be able to figure out what it means on your own.
I apologize. I have no leet skillz. Heh.
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Arfenhaus Drive; Chapter 2: Inexplicablasuperscrewed-uppification
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"AIIIIIEEE!!!"
"RUN!!!"
"WHAT THE FARQUE IS THAT?!"
KABOOM.
"ACK!"
SPLORT.
L33t strode down the streets of Jump City's business district, grinning with giant yellow teeth as he vaporized, transmogrified, exploded, imploded, and generally screwed up everyone in sight. His one-track mind had one objective, to destroy. And when the Titans arrived, he would destroy them too. The man with the funny head had told him to.
"wH413!" He screeched into his Arfenhaus control..
An enormous sperm whale materialized out of thin air a mile above the street and fell to Earth with a crash, flattening an entire building.
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The T-car was flying down the streets as fast it could go. Cyborg was driving like a maniac; he knew that whatever that thing on the monitor was, it was killing people, and the Teen Titans needed to take it down. As the silvery car approached the scene, the Titan's eyes widened. There was a whale in the street in front of them. Cyborg slammed on the brakes and the car screeched to a halt just before it could hit the massive marine mammal. Then...
"HOORRNNNKKK!!!"
The whale opened its mouth and vomited all over the T-car.
"Aw maaan... I just waxed that!" Cyborg moaned.
Robin leapt out the window of the car.
"Titans, go!"
The five young heroes charged around the whale and confronted the cause of the chaos. It was ugly. The cause, I mean.
L33t's vile reptilian features curled into a smile. They were here. The Titans had come.
Cyborg surveyed the damage. The ground was littered with body parts, blood, broken bones, brains, ...pineapple sauce... and pieces of pizza?
"What the hell is this?"
"I7 beZ Y0r Di3!" L33t snarled.
Robin pointed an accusing finger at L33t.
"You! You did this! Titans, go!"
With that, the heroes charged their demented foe. Cyborg leapt into the air and brought down his fist for a one hit KO as Raven picked up parts from a smashed car and hurled them at L33t. Starfire flew up and gave the tub gutted frog-man a starbolt blitzkrieg and Robin flung disc after explosive disc.
Then several things happened in rapid succession. Cyborg's entire arm turned into strawberry jello, and he splattered it all over as he attepted to punch L33t in the face. Raven's car parts fused with Starfire's energy bolts and turned into a giant purple dinosaur, which proceeded to chant: "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" as it ate them both in one swallow. Robin's head turned into a potato. A microwave fell onto his shoulders. You can guess what happened next...
Yup. He turned into a two-by-four.
In a matter of seconds, four out of five Titans were down. Beast Boy stared at the remnants of his friends: An armless robot. A smiling dinosaur. A piece of wood. He felt like either crying or being sick. He ended up compromising and did both.
L33t frowned at the final Titan. He lifted his control to his lips.
"33t p1G!"
FLASHA live pig suddenly appeared in Beast Boy's mouth.
"f15hB0wL!"
FLASH
Beast Boy's head turned into a fishbowl with the pig still crammed inside it.
"DrUM5t1k!"
FLASH
Beast Boy's legs turned into chicken drumsticks.
"K4B00m!"
The whole thing exploded, sending pig, chicken, glass, and Beast Boy all over the place.
Meanwhile, Cyborg had given up recovering his jello'd arm and was attempting to sneak up on L33t from behind. Unfortunately, when your whole body is made of metal, sneaking around just gets a whole lot harder.
L33t whirled on him, and lifted his control. He moved to speak, but thought better of it. Instead, he simply charged the one armed android, slamming his fist across Cyborg's face. L33t then hopped up and performed a double kick to the chin. Landing on the ground, he crouched low and sweep kicked Cyborg, sending his legs flying out from under him. He then shot up from the crouch into an inhuman leap, almost thirty feet in the air, and brought his heel down on Cyborg's head. He was out like a light.
L33t walked over to the Robin two-by-four, picked it/him up and began beating Cyborg over the head with it. After several minutes of this, L33t dropped Robin and collapsed into a cross-legged sitting position. He surveyed his handiwork with his chin resting on his fist. The Titans were defeated. The place was a mess. There was a freakin' whale in the street. His job here was done. A grin crossed his face. He threw back his head and laughed, although his twisted little mind couldn't really figure out what was so funny.
After a while he lost interest and wandered off to cause more destruction.
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Five minutes later...Cyborg shot up from his prone position with a gasp. He looked wildly about him. No chicken. No purple dinosaur. No wood. No whale. He slowly, fearfully attempted to lift his right arm. It was there! But then what had happened? Was it all just some demented dream? A trick? Or was he just going crazy? But then... why was he lying in the middle of a street?
He got to his feet and looked around. Equally confused people filled the street.
"I'm alive?"
"Where's that frog man?"
"Where's that whale?"
"What happened?"
"Cyborg!"
Cyborg turned around. The other four Titans were standing behind him.
"Dude," said Beast Boy, "WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?! Does anyone have a clue as to what's going on here? 'Cuz the last thing I remember was getting a pig shoved in my mouth."
"I was... eaten, I believe..." said Starfire shakily.
"Yeah..." assented Raven. "I remember... purple..."
Robin scratched the back of his head.
"The last thing I saw was Cyborg's arm getting turned into Jello."
"And the last time I saw you, you were a piece of wood," said Beast Boy.
"But now..." Starfire looked around her. "Every thing and every one appears to be unharmed, no?"
"Yeah..."
"Unharmed?! I got the motor oil beat out of me by some frog dude!"
Robin examined the perfectly normal looking street. Every little thing that the frogman had done was... gone.
"This isn't normal... Was that real? Or maybe it was some sort of illusion. Do you suppose Mad Mod could be behind it?"
"You serious?" Cyborg replied. "Pretty hard to pull something like this from a prison cell."
"Okay, what about Slade?"
Beast Boy almost laughed. "Dude, are you serious? Somehow, I can't see him hiring frog people to throw whales at us."
"Well what about Mumbo? He's got the powers to do this sort of thing, and it's totally his style. Not exactly subtle, if get my meaning."
Cyborg stroked his metal chin. "It's possible, but he seems limited to cheap tricks. I'd have thought that if he had the power to summon a flying whale, he'dve done it before."
"Of course, it's always a possibility that that weirdo was acting alone. Regardless, we can't keep getting smacked down like this. We've had three losses in a row. I don't know about the rest of you, but personally, I'm embarrassed," Robin grumbled. "Let's head back home and get in some training. We need it."
The Titans hopped into their car, now vomit-free, and headed back towards the tower.
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"Skkknoorrrrkkkk... snrrkkk... hrmf. Hrm?"
There was a large mass spread out on the couch at Titans Tower, a black-jacketed, spiky-haired mass that snored in its sleep.
Ryan rose slowly, the newspaper spread across his face falling into his lap. He threw the paper off himself and swung his legs over the edge of the couch. Yawning, he got to his feet and walked over to the kitchen area, where he opened the fridge and snatched a can of Dr. Pepper. He popped the tab and slugged half of it down in one gulp. He sighed and glanced at his wristwatch.
"Booorrrinnnggg..."
The elevator doors swished open.
"Dude! We've been running around getting our butts kicked since four in the morning. I got my head turned into a fishbowl. I-am-freaking-tired. OKAY?!"
Cyborg rolled his eye.
"Suck it up BB."
"Easy for you to say! All you've got to do is plug your robot butt in and you're good to go in five minutes!"
"Tired or no, we're still training," said Robin.
"Brother! We have returned!"
Raven was silent, as usual.
"Okay," said Robin, "get changed, and meet me in the training room in five minutes."
Raven turned to Robin.
"I'd really like to take a shower."
"Can you do it five minutes?"
"What do you think?"
"I think you need to be down in the training room in five minutes."
Raven glared at him briefly, swirled her cloak about her, and walked off down the left hallway after Starfire.
Ryan took another swig of Dr. Pepper and glanced at Robin.
"Harsh."
"Hrmph. I have to start cracking down. We're getting soft. All of us."
"I assume you didn't win out there."
"That's a safe assumption." Robin scowled.
Ryan took one last sip and tossed the empty can in the trash as he stepped into the elevator. As the elevator began to hum, Ryan looked at the Boy Wonder through the crack in the closing doors.
"See you in five minutes."
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"HRRAAA!!!"
CRASH!
Zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap!
"HAA!!!"
CRUNCH!
"Hm," Ryan smirked, "no challenge."
He gazed at his handiwork: gun turrets and wall-mounted cannons were laid to waste about him.
The elevator doors swished open and Beast Boy stepped into the training area. He looked at the destroyed gun turrets and whistled.
"Man, that's crazy. You do all that yourself?"
Ryan wiped his brow with a towel.
"Yeah."
He looked up at the control box. A monitor on the front displayed his score. Beast Boy looked as well.
"368."
"Is that good?"
Beast Boy shrugged.
"I've seen Rob do 400."
Ryan leaned against the wall, arms folded.
"Hm."
The elevator opened once again, and Cyborg and Starfire stepped out.
"Brother! Have you come to train with us as well?"
"You might say that."
"Well all right!" Cyborg cheered. "Rob might go easier on us if you were here too."
Another swish from the doors, and Robin and Raven emerged from the elevator.
"I don't think so," said Robin. "Today we'll be training harder than ever before. I'm not going to lose again. I plan to win. And if that's going to happen, then I can't go it alone. We've all got to work together on this one. We've got three potential separate cases on the loose, all of which have beaten us at least once before. We are going to have to work. Hard. Are you guys with me on this one?
The Titans looked at each other.
"I'm in." Came the simultaneous response.
Ryan looked on from his spot on the wall, a bemused smirk on his face.
"I misjudged him. Perhaps he is a real leader after all... But leading the horse to water isn't enough. He's rallied the troops. Now he needs to keep them."
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"KIAI!"
CRUNCH.
"Cyborg, go!"
"HAAAAHHHH!!!"
THOOM.
Zap-zap-zap-zap- FZORK!KATHOOM!
"Good, Star! Attack pattern Alpha-five! BB! Rhino now! Cy! Gimme a boost! Raven; cover! GO!"
Rhino Beast Boy went flying through the rows of gun turrets, knocking out as many as he could, clearing a path for Cyborg, who ran to the center and made a makeshift platform out of his interlaced fingers. Robin charged towards him and leapt off the android's hands as Cyborg heaved Robin upwards as hard as he could. Raven grabbed the turret pieces from Beast Boy's rhino attack and began hurling them at the other turrets, drawing their attention away from Robin, who vaulted upwards into the air and began raining down explosive disc death upon the remaining guns. Starfire provided assistance wherever necessary. The battle was over. The Titans had not taken a single hit.
The point counter on the control box read 1966.
"Aw-RIGHHHTT!!!" Cheered Cyborg.
"Dude, we SO kicked butt!"
"Glorious!"
"YEAH!"
"Woo-hoo..."
There was a clapping sound from the far corner. Ryan was applauding them. He pushed off the wall and walked over to where the Titans were standing.
"Bravo, team. But as a wise man once said; robots and simulations can only prove so much."
"Got any better ideas?" Robin challenged him.
Ryan ignored him.
"You've got to learn to improvise. You're concentrating too much on set attack patterns and battle plans. This is good... if you're a counter-terrorist squad with MP5's running around sniping people. In war, strategy is key. In battle, you'd be surprised how little it counts for. Oftentimes, things won't go your way. A fight never turns out exactly how you expect it to. Your enemy will be thinking on his feet. No battle plans, no attack patterns. Fighting a computer and fighting a real live person are two totally different things. I figured you'd have known that by now. I think what you guys need is some serious live fire training. Real enemies, real combat. And your first opponent is right here."
He spread out his arms and stepped back.
"Come and get me... Teen Titans."
"Dude," said Beast Boy, "are you serious?"
"C'mon man, you can't expect us to fight you."
"Yes, brother! We should not fight!"
"It's training, Kory. You want to get stronger, don't you?"
"Yes, but..."
"We can't..."
"All right then! Allow me to make the first move!"
Ryan charged right at them, as he approached, he chose his target and leapt into the air, soaring straight at Robin foot-first.
He connected with full force, sending Robin flying across the room and into the remains of one of the gun turrets. Cyborg now entered the fight to help his friend, bearing down on the Tamaranian with a shoulder charge. Ryan ducked, snatched Cyborg's leading arm and rear leg, and threw him towards Raven. Raven threw up a shield of obsidian, and Cyborg bounced off it and collapsed on the ground. Beast Boy attempted to ram - ram Ryan, but he grabbed the changeling by his curly horns, lifted him up into the air and brought him back to Earth with a loud crunch. Raven and Starfire finally decided to get in on the game and made a double attack on Ryan, turret parts and starbolts flying.
Ryan smirked. This was finally getting interesting. He lifted his leg and simply struck down the projectile barrage with a storm of high-speed kicks. Dust and smoke from the failed attack filled the air. Starfire and Raven peered cautiously through the flying powder, but no Ryan was to be seen. Perhaps the attack had worked after all.
Unfortunately for them, it was not so, as Ryan exploded out the top of the cloud, trailing wisps of dust in his wake. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a metal rod, the same one Beast Boy had picked up earlier. With a swishing sound and a flash of light, the rod was extended to Bo length. Ryan fell through the air straight at Raven, who waved her hand through the air, leaving a trail of black energy that deflected Ryan's blow. But he wasn't about to give up yet. After a series of failed sweeping attacks, Ryan went for a jabbing tactic, with was executed with great success. He caught Raven a few crushing blows to the side, then jabbed forward and pierced the neck of her cloak. He switched his hand position and shifted to a Crane levering throw stance, pushing down with his rear hand and up with his front, sending Raven flying into the air with a spin of his staff. He spun the staff once again, switched back to sweeping stance, and smashed the staff into Raven in midair as she fell back to his level, sending her soaring across the room. Starfire tried to charge him from behind, but Ryan sensed her coming and rammed his elbow backwards into her stomach. As she doubled up, he snapped his fist back over his shoulder, catching her right in the face. He didn't even have to turn around.
Cyborg and Robin burst out of the cloud of dust as it cleared, Robin leaping off of Cyborg's back and coming down with his own Bo staff.
CLANG!
Ryan blocked, and the two metal rods bounced off each other, sparks flying. Robin swept his staff left and right, furiously trying to get in a hit, but Ryan was blocking well and keeping his cool, as Robin rapidly lost his. Ryan was becoming annoyed at Robin's failure to land an attack.
"Keep calm. You blows are getting sloppy. And on top of your attacks' usual flamboyance, it's nearly impossible for me not to block you. You're better at this than I am. You just can't stay focused. I want you to CONCENTRATE!"
Ryan dashed Robin's staff to the side with a swiping block and brought his own Bo down, smashing Robin's staff in two.
Cyborg had stopped fighting. He just stared at the two going at it. The others rose, groaning, to their feet and began watching as well.
Robin rolled to his shoulder, snatching up the other half of his weapon. He came to a stand slightly crouched, one stick in each hand, staring at his opponent. Ryan stared back.
Concentrate.
Concentrate.
CONCENTRATE!
A trickle of sweat ran down Robin's face and dripped off his chin. It hit the floor.
Plink.
Another drop.
Plink.
Plink.
Robin never took his eyes off of Ryan.
Concentrate... Concentrate...Plink.
Robin breathed through his nose, slow and steady.
Concentrate...Plink.
Plink.
Ryan's right foot moved out just a fraction of an inch.
Robin's eyemask widened.
"Sweep from the right!"
Suddenly, Ryan launched at Robin. From the right. His staff arced out towards the Boy Wonder...
...and was trapped by Robin's crossed staff halves. Robin shifted to the right and pushed left and down with his cross-block, taking Ryan's staff with it. He swung the block one hundred and eighty degrees and jammed both halves deep into the mat covering the floor, trapping Ryan's staff between the ground and the crossed sticks. Robin jumped off the cross, driving it deeper into the ground as he soared up and planted his foot in Ryan's face.
"KIAI!"
"UG!"
Ryan let go of his weapon and skidded across the floor.
The Titans cheered.
"BOO-YAH! You got him, man!"
"Dude! That was totally awesome! You went Crouching Tiger all over his ass!"
"Most impressive!"
"That was... really good..."
Ryan arched his back, rocked back wards, and vaulted onto his feet. He smiled at Robin.
"I told you that you were better at this than me."
"I guess you were right!"
Ryan retrieved his staff, retracted it, and put it back in his jacket.
"Was that a compliment or an insult? I couldn't tell."
"Little of both."
Ryan turned to his sister.
"You okay, Kory? I got you pretty bad there."
"I am unharmed. Although I wish to know why you attacked us."
"I thought you would have understood. That was exactly the kind of training you guys need. Your enemies aren't going to wait for you to make the first move. They're going to be unexpected and brutal, and you need to be prepared."
"I... understand. The nature of such villains is most vicious indeed."
Raven clutched a bruised rib.
"You weren't kidding about that 'brutal' part..."
"Heh... sorry about that..."
"I've been through worse. We all have."
Robin placed a hand on Ryan's shoulder.
"You may have unorthodox methods, but as much as I hate to admit it, that was truly effective training. Do you think we could have a few more sessions like this one?"
"Are you paying me?"
"Err... no."
"Well, then I... ah, what the hell. I'll do it."
"Great! Same time tomorrow?"
"Whatever."
"All right then. Everyone get showered, then meet me in the main room. We're gonna look for leads on that frogman character."
Beast Boy rolled his eyes.
"Tuh. So much for goin' easy on us..."
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A few hours later, the Titans and Ryan were seated in the kitchen area, slurping down instant noodles and discussing the frogman. Robin was, for the moment, absent, off searching for information on the criminal.
"Okay..." Cyborg opened. "This crazy frog dude walks out in the middle of a street, blows people up, summons a whale, and takes us apart at the seams. Er... motive, anyone?"
"Well, I think it's safe to scratch 'serial killer' off the list," joked Beast Boy.
"Agreed..." Starfire replied seriously, "this amphibian creature appears to have no true method to choosing his targets."
Raven set down her chopsticks and rested her chin on her hand, and began to talk, not actually looking at any of them, but just staring straight ahead.
"When the battle began, my first thought was to mind scan that... thing... and discover an identity, a motive, an emotion. Anything. But..." she paused. "I saw nothing. Nothing at all, as if the thing was some sort of robot, a mindless automaton with no motive except the destruction itself... "
Cyborg let out a mechanical sigh. "This is getting us nowhere. I hope Rob comes up with a positive ID."
As if on cue, Robin stepped out of the elevator and flopped down in a chair.
"Nothing. Not one trace. No previous hits. No sightings. No ID. No location. No NOTHING! It's as if this thing never even existed!"
"Well we didn't have much to go by. Just appearance, and that could've been drastically altered at any time. Perhaps even at will, judging by his powers," Raven mused.
"Demented insanity like that doesn't happen overnight... it would have to be a gradual thing. There would have been past incidents."
Beast Boy started. "Ya think... nahhh..."
"What is it BB?"
"Well, I was just thinking... you think we might have a potential second Joker here? I mean, picture this: some ordinary dude, working in some chemical plant, gets dumped in a vat of wacko juice and turns into that insane frog thigamajig."
"Highly unlikely. They aren't about to let something like that happen again. There just aren't gigantic open vats of volatile chemicals that just incidentally cause insanity in humans sitting around for no reason anymore. Industry has learned its lesson, believe you me..."
"I guess..."
"Well, there's no use moping about it. All we gotta do is wait till he strikes again. Then we take him down. Simple as that."
"No Cy, it isn't. It's nearly impossible to beat him with those wacky powers of his. We'd be down before we knew what hit us."
"Yeah, how the heck did he do that stuff anyway? If that's a metahuman power, then that guy must've hit the superpower jackpot."
Beast Boy rubbed his green fuzzy chin.
"No... I was the last to fall. I saw him beat all of you, and every time something happened to one of you, he shouted, albeit incoherently, into that little black thing in his hand. He gave it a command, told it what to do. I think that black thingie is the source of his powers."
"So, if we take out that box, then we eliminate the threat."
"Who's to say there's a threat at all?" Ryan stated suddenly.
Everyone stared.
"Man, he turned my arm into Jello. In what universe does that not constitute a threat?"
"Is your arm Jello now?"
"No..."
"Is Robin still a piece of wood?"
"No."
"Is Beast Boy sti-"
"Okay, okay! I can see what you're getting at! Sorta..."
"Alright, see here. The frog had you under his ugly-ass boot. You were all either dead or disabled. Now you're all perfectly fine. Something... is weird."
"Perhaps he's more of a devious troublemaker rather than a cold-blooded killer. He took us out, but used his insane powers to bring us back," suggested Robin.
"I somehow doubt that. Mercy is probably the last thing on frogman's mind. More likely, the effects of his powers are only temporary. After a period, whatever he's screwed up turns back to normal."
"I suppose that's a possibility."
Raven cut in. "Regardless, we haven't a clue as to who this guy is, where he's from, or when, where, and if he'll strike next."
"So... we can't do jack?"
"Not until he does."
Robin sighed.
"Back to square one..."
