Cue the theme song!

Puffy Amiyumi: When there's trouble you know who to- KLONG!

Ryan: (holding guitar and grinning triumphantly) Axe'd.

Raven: (kicks bodies in disgust) Thank you.

Ryan: Uh-huh. Alright, before we begin; a few announcements: First of all, Overseer apologizes that this is so very late, but he's been busy. Disclaimers of past chapters still apply. And, as I recall, one of you noticed that I don't have enough weaknesses. Well, you can never have too few weaknesses, but in this case there's a reason. Read future chapters to find out why, though Overseer's crappy intro should give you a bit of a clue. As for the future appearance of Blackfire, Overseer regrets to inform you that this is impossible for reasons that cannot be revealed at this time. However, she is set to appear in future fics, so, Blackfire fans… patience. And finally, as per the no-longer-recent banning of songfics by FFdotnazi, Overseer sez:

"I see no reason why we can't put songs by our favorite bands into our works. Honestly. I suppose you'll make up some excuse about potential lawsuits, but that's as much bullshit as script fic deletion. No sane band wouldn't want free publicity; especially on a widely used site like this. As long as authors give credit where credit is due, I see no reason to stop what we've been doing for so long. And so, I won't; and FF. net, if any band decides to take legal action against one of my songfics, I'll pick up the tab. Song, band, album, and copyright info is at the end of the chapter. STAND UP AGAINST THE MAN!"

And finally, prepare yourself for a lot of reading!

Raven: Are you done?

Ryan: Yup. Everyone ready?

Lights switch on, revealing Cyborg on drums, Starfire on keyboard, Raven on bass, and Beast Boy on rhythm guitar. Robin stands next to Ryan. A microphone stand is between the two.

Robin: HIT IT!

Cyborg: One- two- three- four!

Bass drum rhythm kicks up, followed by Ryan on lead guitar.

Robin: I hold the key to the ultimate dream,

the perfect construction,

the perfect machine

I've designed.

Stronger than strong,

an invincible force.

I'm the creator, I am the source.

I'm the mind…

Robin+Ryan: I shall be one,

one with the world,

one with the sun.

Up in the skies I'll be encountering paradise!
Titans+Ryan: Savior machine!

Robin: Creation of mine!

Titans+Ryan: We shall be unified,

we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!

Robin: We shall observe!

T+R: Protect and preserve!

We shall be unified,

we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!

Slade: (steals Robin's mic) You'll be MINE!

Cyborg: Devoted to science,

a seeker I am.

Now I will bring

freedom and justice to man.

Starfire: Up in the sky,

I will be free.

My spirit will fly.

And by my hand,

war shall be brought to an end.

T+R: Savior machine!

Robin: Creation of mine!

T+R: We shall be unified,

we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!

Robin: We shall observe!

T+R: Protect and preserve!

We shall be unified,

we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!

Trigon: You'll be MINE!

Raven: I'm leaving the body,

I'm crossing the line,

To be an immortal,

I will be divine.

Ryan: (guitar solo)

T+R: Savior machine!

Robin: Creation of mine!

T+R: We shall be unified,

we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!

Robin: We shall observe!

T+R: Protect and preserve!

We shall be unified,

we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!

Chorus of Villains: YOU'LL BE MINE!

Ryan: Forged by the fire

that's burning in my heart.

Savior, my destiny!

I'm ready to depart!

Robin: Make me the one,

T+R: and set my spirit free!

Make me fulfill the dream,

Ryan: In eternityyyy!

All: SET. ME. FREEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee…

Overseer: That was Iron Savior's Titans of Our Time, and this is…

----------------------------------------------------

Arfenhaus Drive; Chapter 4 Final: Axis' Fall, Rising Up Again! (once again with the reference thing. Hint: lyric, but not really)

----------------------------------------------------

"Well, the results are in…" Cyborg announced, glancing at the slip of paper in his hand. "Robin, when it comes to eight month old Jimmy, you ARE the father."

"Ha ha."

"Okay, seriously now, this thing is like no bit of electronics I've ever dealt with, and believe me, THAT is something."

"Could you figure anything out?" Asked Robin urgently.

"Of course! Man, what do think they pay me for?"

"Um… nobody pays us…"

"WHAT! Since when!"

"Look, would you just get on with it already?"

"Righrighright… here's what I got: First, this thing is totally nuts. It openly defies almost all known laws of mechanics simply by FUNCTIONING. As far as I can tell, the thing is an old walkie-talkie with a few extra parts, a rubber band, and a piece of cheese and a dab of hot sauce in the middle; no joke. Luckily I don't need to know why it works, only how. And the how is this: the device here is receiving a powerful signal from a nearby location. After getting this signal, it transmits the signal into a broadcast area of what I'd estimate to be about a quarter mile. Maybe just a little more. As long as something is within that radius, whoever's got this thing controls its very existence."

"Perfect." Raven drawled. "Did you find anythingwe don't already know?"

"Of course! Would kill y'all to have a bit more faith in me? Geez… I feel so unloved…"

Robin stroked his chin. "Find a counter-signal?"

"'Fraid not, man. But I got the next best thing."

"Traced the signal?"

"Traced the signal. It's an abandoned warehouse down by the docks."

Robin smiled.

"Let's get cracking."

----------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile at the Arfen-warehouse…

"He's activated the tracer." Bad-Man said, glancing at a small PDA-looking thing in his hand.

"Good. Where are they?"

"Still at the tower."

"Still? Are you sure the tracer's active?"

"Of course, O technologically-disadvantaged one. Their tracer receives a signal from the Drive, and we can use the drive to track all devices utilizing the signa... blah blah blah blah blah Arfenhaus blah blah blah signal blah blah…"

----------------------------------------------------

"Look, we have to move now." Raven said. "If we wait any longer, they'll notice that their pet frog is missing and get suspicious. If they know there's any chance that we might have gotten a hold of any of those controls, they'll change frequencies, and then all this will be for nothing."

"No!" Robin shouted back. "Don't you see? This is exactly what happened these last few times: we all get in a frenzy and run off half-cocked like some crazy redneck lynch mob and get our asses kicked! We're going to have to prepare ourselves. This isn't just another bank heist; this is serious!"

"Robin," said Ryan, looking up form the book he was reading (It's Inferno if anyone cares), "the term 'redneck' is offensive. I believe the correct term is 'country music star'."

"I agree with Robin!" Starfire assented rapidly, the joke going completely over her head. "We have been doing most miserably as of late! Preparation would be most beneficial to our cause!"

"No way y'all! We have to attack right now and catch 'em off guard. Element of surprise and all that. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that'll-"

Beast Boy dropped to his knees.

"CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG!"

Everyone stared.

"Right then," said Cyborg after a brief period of stunned silence, "let's all get along down to the car. Then we can all get along down to the warehouse. And then after all this is over, we can all get along down to Denny's, because I'm starving. Sound good?"

Robin sighed. "Fine. Let's get this over with; but if any of you get killed, don't be haunting me."

(Fast forward sixty years, Robin is wearing a tattered bath robe with a cape and is using his staff as a cane.)

Robin: GHOSTS! GHOSTS EVERYWHERE!

Doctor: Hmm! It seems you've got Pac-Man Fever! Do you have a strange desire for fruit?

Robin turned. "Ryan, watch the place for us, okay? Oh, and the tower's automated defense network is up, so you shouldn't have to worry about an attack."

"Oh brilliant," Ryan said sarcastically, "I won't need another tetanus shot." He flipped on the TV as the heroes stepped into the elevator. "Gerbils. Sheesh. Only you guys…"

----------------------------------------------------

"HAH! They're headed for us now!" Dr. Bad-Man roared in triumph. Finally he had outwitted those blasted teenagers. "Mumbo! Get in position!"

"Ay ay!" Mumbo cheered, and threw his cloak up over his head, disappearing as the cloth floated down on top of him and appearing in the rafters, Arfenhaus control in hand. Bad-Man suddenly appeared next to him.

"Here they come…" The insane doctor whispered. "They should be at the door right about-"

KRA-THOOM! The T-car came crashing through the door, blowing the rotting wooden doors of the old warehouse to splinters.

"GO!" Bad-Man and Mumbo screamed simultaneously, as hundreds of evil, exploding, clowns suddenly erupted from the shadows inside the warehouse and dashed for the T-car. The marauding jesters piled themselves onto the car, leaping onto the roof and hood. Those who could not make direct contact settled for packing themselves around the doomed vehicle, a few of the more bold ones actually jumping onto the backs of those on the roof and hood. Finally, the clowns went off, the colossal explosion belching flames and clown parts into the sky. Seconds later, the flames met the T-car's gas tank, and if the sturdy vehicle was not doomed before, it most certainly was now, as the fuel ignited and exploded, incinerating the car from the inside out. After nearly a minute and a half of watching the display of flaming death, the two Arfenhaus-shielded villains in the rafters bid the flames to cease and dropped down from their hiding place.

Bad-Man and Mumbo gazed upon the charred wreck that had once been Cyborg's pride and joy and began to laugh. Yet the laugh was tinged with a sense of uncertainty: Was this truly the end of the Teen Titans? Had they really won with this one single stroke? It seemed too easy. They had to make sure. They be make sure their hated enemies were truly gone.

Mumbo made his way cautiously to the blackened frame of the T-car. As he reached for the door handle, his finger instinctively pressed down on the button of his Arfenhaus control; if the Titans had somehow survived, he would be sure to finish them. His gloved hand wrapped around the scorched door handle. He took a deep breath, and yanked.

Cr-GRUNCH! The weakened door fell right off its hinges and fell to the ground with a crash. Mumbo laughed nervously and peered inside.

His blood turned to ice. There was an arm. A metal arm, sitting atop the gas pedal. The arm turned to Mumbo. It raised its fingers and…

…flipped him off.

"SHIT!" Mumbo screamed, forgetting the compressed button on his control. A massive heap of cow manure fell from the sky and buried him in its reeking mass.

Suddenly, a sonic blast ripped through the wall; and Cyborg, sans left arm, stepped through, followed by Robin and Beast Boy.

Robin smirked confidently, pleased by his most recent brilliant plan. "You won't get rid of us that easily!"

Bad-Man screeched and clutched his bagged head. "Why! WHY WON'T YOU DIE!"

Then Cyborg saw his car.

"AW, MAN! IT'S TOTALED!"

"Small price to pay," pointed out the pile of crap.

"True dat." Said Cyborg, blowing the pile apart with his cannon as his arm reattached itself.

----------------------------------------------------

Back at Titans Tower, Ryan was sitting down to another round of Dr. Pepper and daytime television.

Fzzt.

"YOU SUCK!"

"NO, YOU SUCK!"

"NO, YOU SUCK!"

"NO, YOU SUCK!"

"POWER UP!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Fzzt.

Dingdingdingdingding!

"Yoo win SOOPAH-TOASTAH!"

Fzzt.

"Welcome back to the Jerry Springer Show!"

Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Finally. Civilized television… not. Where's that damn remote?"

----------------------------------------------------

"WALRUS!" Bad-Man screeched.

A massive walrus careened through the air and smashed its huge bulk across the floor where Robin had been standing just a moment before.

Robin cursed. He couldn't get in close enough to get in a hit.

"Cyborg! Blast him!"

Cyborg's arm converted to sonic cannon mode once again and he let loose, only to find his shots blocked by a… purple elephant?

The bag-headed doctor shrugged.

"Don't look at me."

"NOW I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!" Screamed a putrid-smelling Mumbo. "PIG!"

The weight on Cyborg's right arm increased slightly. Confused, he looked down and saw what appeared to be the hindquarters of a pig sticking out of the barrel of his cannon.

He shrugged and fired it anyway, blowing the pig straight out into Mumbo's gut and throwing the villain to the ground.

The blue magician staggered to his feet.

"I'll destroy you with the power of the ARFENHAUS DRIV-ugh!"

A Starbolt smashed into Mumbo's back and he went sailing across the room as Starfire lowered her hand, fully emerging from a shadow portal in the wall, Raven alongside her.

Bad-man watched his comrade go flying over his head and realized the battle was going against them. He snarled, pressing the button of his control.

"IT'S TIME FOR DOOMSDAY!"

Suddenly, a large gray mass came crashing down through the ceiling of the warehouse. As the dust cleared, it emerged, its massive muscles bulging, its huge bony jaw cracking: arguably the deadliest being in existence, the one who killed Superman himself (A long story whose details are not even known to me. Don't ask), the one, the only, DOOMSDAY!

…Well, sort of. The ultimate weapon of destruction was somewhat less intimidating in its pink frilly tutu. The great beast rose to a graceful position, balancing its one-ton form on a single toe; and began… to spin.

Bad-Man slapped gloved hand to bagged head.

"Oh, no…"

----------------------------------------------------

"AHA! EL REMOTE-O!"

Ryan triumphantly thrust his discovery toward the TV and pressed the button.

Clik.

Nothing.

Clik.

Nothing.

"Man, what's wrong with the clicker?" Ryan mused, studying the remote. Suddenly it hit him.

"Ah, shit."

----------------------------------------------------

Back the warehouse of randomness, the Titans, though they would never admit it, were being taken apart by the ballerina of doom. The frilly pink beast was decimating them with pirouetting fury. Strange as it was, the monster hardly noticed them, and probably would have only proved to be a minor annoyance had it not repeatedly smacked into the teen heroes as it danced about, smashing everything in its path. It had already easily warded off Raven and Starfire's attempts at attacking it.

Beast Boy boldly stepped up to stop the belligerent ballerina, transforming into a massive gorilla. Unfortunately for the gorilla, it wasn't half as strong as Doomsday, and thus was kicked deftly aside by one of the monster's slippered feet.

"I couldn't even get it to stop dancing…" Beast Boy groaned, getting to his feet.

"Forget him!" Shouted Robin. "Go after Bad-Man! All we need to do is take him out and it's over!"

"And I've got just the thing to do it!" Cyborg replied happily, pulling out what appeared to be the confiscated Arfenhaus control.

"All right! Take him down!"

"Okay! Umm… giant cheeseburger monster!" Cyborg spoke into the control.

Nothing happened.

"I SAID, giant cheeseburger monster!"

Nothing again.

"GIANT. CHEESEBURGER. MONSTER."

And the third time, Cyborg realized what was wrong.

"Ah-

----------------------------------------------------

"-SHIT!"

Ryan stared at the Arfenhaus control in his hand. Desperately he searched the couch and its surrounding environs to no avail: the remote was nowhere to be found.

Of course, this could mean but one thing: the control in his hand was the "secret weapon" of which Cyborg had spoken earlier. He must have taken the television remote by accident!

Ryan looked at the control in his hand, then at the TV, then at the elevator, then back to the remote. He sighed.

"I guess Springer can wait," he said, reaching for his shoes. He paused.

"I think maybe not," he said to himself, reaching instead for a pair of black leather boots, also his.

A minute later, he was in his car and headed for the docks.

----------------------------------------------------

Cyborg was angry. Very angry. The one time he DIDN'T need the remote, there it was. This just wasn't his week. In the past few days, he'd gotten his arm turned to jello, got beat up by a frog, had his head turned into a can, and now he was getting whooped by the ballerina from hell.

He looked down the barrel of his sonic cannon.

"Well, you know what? My luck's about to change… boo-yah."

He watched Doomsday spinning about the room, unfazed at the Starbolts, boxes, and exploding discs that were bombarding him. Keeping his pattern… He watched Mumbo and Bad-Man laughing in the center of the chaos. He watched. And waited.

And waited.

And…

"There!"

Cyborg let loose a sonic blast into the ground at Doomsday's feet. The pirouetting beast tripped and went soaring through the air. Mumbo came out of his laugh just in time to see the monster come flying towards him. Bad-Man turned toward the direction of the girly shriek… and the one-ton monstrosity that was Doomsday plowed into him.

Or at least it would have, if he hadn't pulled out his Arfenhaus control at the last moment and commanded Doomsday to dissipate.

Cyborg blew imaginary smoke from the tip of his sonic cannon barrel.

"Good work Cyborg!" Robin shouted. "Now go! Get those controls!"

The Titans charged into battle, prepared for whatever was about to come at them.

"Boxes fly!" Bad-Man shouted.

Suddenly, the musty, decaying wooden boxes that filled the warehouse rose into the air and began throwing themselves around the room at random, forcing the titans to scatter.

Starfire, Raven, and Beast Boy flew up into the air, and Robin and Cyborg dove to the side to avoid the killer boxes. Cyborg whipped out his sonic cannon and prepared to fire.

"No!" Shouted Robin, blocking the cannon's barrel. "You can't fire now. We can't see through these boxes, and you might hit one of the others by accident."

"Well, then what do we do?"

"We don't do anything."

"Huh?"

"Watch."

A moment more passed, and then all of the boxes stopped suddenly, hanging in midair. Another moment, and the boxes turned black and shot upwards, smashing themselves on the ceiling and raining down chunks of rotting wood.

Robin heard a familiar voice shout: "Shield!" and suddenly an enormous tongue erupted from the floor, curving to form a barrier over two crouching figures.

"There!" Robin yelled, flinging a freeze disc. The disc struck the tongue, freezing it solid, and a blast from Cyborg's cannon eliminated it entirely. Mumbo and Bad-Man darted in opposite directions to avoid the storm of Starbolts falling from the sky, Mumbo running for the far end of the building, and Bad-Man dashing behind the wrecked T-Car.

Mumbo reached the far wall and whirled around, raising his Arfenhaus control, and found himself trapped in a cage of enchanted box-wood. He paused momentarily, startled by his sudden incarceration, and a Birdarang soared out of nowhere and knocked the Arfenhaus control from his grasp and out of the cage. The magician let out a yell and drew his wand to blow apart the cage, when the wood suddenly went black again and the cage went shooting into the air, spinning and tumbling wildly. Raven kept up the spin cycle until she spotted something thin and black go falling from the wooden construct, upon which point she simply tossed the cage into a wall, depositing a very unconscious Mumbo on the floor.

"That's one down…" She began.

"…and one to go." Robin finished, taking aim with an exploding disc.

Robin threw the disc, tossing it rather than flinging it, so that it hit the floor in front of the T-car wreckage and slid under the body, and action unnoticed by the hiding Bad-Man.

At least, unnoticed until the car exploded, sending him into a wall.

"All right," Robin yelled, "let's finish this up and go home!"

"You got it! Boo-yah!" Cyborg let loose with a sonic blast, but it was suddenly blocked by an enormous slice of bread, which in turn exploded outward to reveal Doctor Bad-Man, seated in a minuscule clown car, dashing madly for the smashed doorway.

"Arg! You've ruined my operation here, but I shall return! AND THEN YOU SHALL KNOW MY RASH! Er… WRATH! MUHAHAHAHA-HARRGG!" The insane doctor laughed, then screamed, as a well-aimed starbolt blew his tiny car to smithereens.

Bad-Man sailed through the air, smoking and scowling.

"Blast! Airbag!" He yelled, making a rather ungraceful landing onto the enormous airbag that had just summoned.

Raven pierced the airbag with a large chunk of wood, causing it to explode violently, once again tossing Bad-man into the air.

"BAH! This grows tiresome!" Shouted the irate villain. "I'll show you the true power of the Arfenhaus drive! I shall become… A GOD!"

A brilliant flash of white light filled the Titans' vision, and by the time they had recovered, the light had been replaced by a much more unpleasant sight. It was Bad-Man… sort of. His bag-helmet had turned into a brown paper Egyptian headdress topped with a golden crown; and he had an elephant trunk, a halo, eight arms, a tail, and a long white beard. Red horns had sprouted from his head, a third eye grew in the middle of his forehead, and he now carried a staff with a trident on one end and an ankh on the other.

"Hmm…" God Bad-Man said in a deep, booming voice, "I really should have been more specific… Ah, well. FEEL THE WRATH OF THE HEAVENS! I SHALL SMITE THEE WITH GREAT BALLS OF BUTTERED TOAST!"

And, sure enough, enormous balls of buttered toast began to rain down on the Titans.

Robin cursed as he was flattened by a greasy, grainy mass; and Starfire soon followed, knocked out of the sky by particularly buttery blob.

"This is getting us nowhere fast," Raven stated with the air of one discussing the weather, "Cyborg, see if you can recover Mumbo's control; maybe we can use it against Bad-Man."

"Tried." Came the reply, as Cyborg held up the aforementioned control, with a Birdarang stuck neatly through the middle.

"Damn. How can we beat him? Every time it seems like we're gaining the upper hand, he pulls a new trick on us."

"I dunno. How can we beat an omnipotent psycho?"

"Pleah!" said Robin, spitting aside a bit of butter. "C'mon, this is a comic book universe, we get omnipotent psychos all the time."

"Maybe so, but forth wall-breaking isn't going to help," commented Raven.

"Agreed," said Starfire, floating down beside the group, "we must find a tactic to defeat the Man of the Bad."

Beast Boy sidled up alongside her. "And while we're discussing this, who's distracting God Boy?"

"Uh-oh."

KABOOM!

An enormous explosion erupted from the ground at the Titans' feet, throwing them backwards.

Recovering quickly, Starfire blasted the deity amalgam with twin Starbolts, only to watch them deflected by two of the monster's eight hands. A sonic blast from Cyborg and a barrage of Birdarangs from Robin met the same fate.

"Damn!" Cursed Robin, "Nothing we do has any effect, and he knows it. He's toying with us. He could take us out at any time with the utterance of a word."

"So then what do we-"

"ROBIN!" Shouted a familiar voice. Robin turned just in time to see something come hurtling through the air at him. He raised a gloved hand and snatched it out of the air. The Arfenhaus control! He looked up at the figure walking towards them, and smiled as Ryan came into view.

Ryan smirked. His trademark.

"Figured you guys could use all the help you can get."

"Hey!" Shouted Bad-Man from across the room. "Who's this guy?"

"Uh… um, yeah!" Robin put on a mock quizzical look. "Just who are you anyway?"

"I'm nobody important."

"Well then, "Nobody" welcome aboard."

"Yeah, well, I'm missing Springer for this, so let's make it quick, huh?"

"Right! Change him back!" Robin commanded his control. There was another flash of light, and Bad-Man was himself again.

"Curses!" Growled the bag-headed doctor, "Breadstick Bombardment!"

Thousands of bread sticks came shooting out of nowhere and began pelting themselves at the Titans.

"Giant bread monster!" Countered Robin.

The flying breadsticks suddenly stopped attacking and began forming an enormous bread-golem.

"Explode!" Responded Bad-Man.

The bread-being exploded into flames and disintegrated.

Robin grit his teeth. Another standoff.

"Titans! Huddle!" He shouted.

Once the Titans and Solfire had grouped, Robin had the device form a soundproof shield over them.

"Okay," he began, "fighting him head-to-head isn't going to work. We've got to sneak up on him. Now, once we break, Raven, I want you to take Ryan and teleport behind him while the rest of us draw his attention. Once he's distracted, you guys have to get that control from him. He doesn't seem to have any powers of his own, so once he's lost that advantage, he should be easy to beat. Got it? Okay, GO!"

The shield dissipated and the Titans went into action, with Starfire and Cyborg providing a projectile bombardment while Beast Boy charged as a rhino, and Robin tossed whatever he could think of through his Arfenhaus control, successfully diverting Bad-Man's attention away from Raven and Ryan, who disappeared into a shadow portal.

Bad-Man seethed. "You meddling brats! I'll crush you with my hammer of wisdom! HAH!"

Cyborg went down, crushed beneath an enormous dictionary.

"As for the lady, that's a nice can you've got there, mind if I cop a feel?"

Suddenly, Stafire's rear end turned into a can, which was promptly grabbed by a pig in a policeman's uniform. She shrieked.

"You chicken! I'll take a leg!" Bad-Man crowed.

Starfire turned into a roast chicken, and a drumstick popped off and flew into Bad-Man's outstretched hand. He took a bite.

"Hmm… It's not KFC, but it's a start…"

"Restore her!" Robin yelled into his control.

Suddenly, Bad-Man found himself holding something much bigger than a drumstick.

Starfire glared at Bad-Man's mouth on her thigh.

"Awh, thit." Bad-Man sputtered through his mouthful.

And then he was flying again, a Starbolt detonated right in his face.

"It's up… and it's GOOD! Looks like another Grand slam for Starfire!" Shouted Cyborg, pulling himself out from under the dictionary.

And then a hand closed around Bad-Man's collar.

"You're out." Declared Ryan.

"Bah! Unhand me!" Shouted Bad-Man to his control.

Bad-Man's hands popped off, taking the Arfenhaus control with them.

"BLAST!"

"Got it," said Raven, flying up beside Ryan with the control in her hand.

"MWWARRR!" Bad-Man lashed out suddenly, headbutting Raven and snatching the Arfenhaus control in his teeth.

"Handth," he mumbled, with some difficulty, through both his paper bag and the Arfenhaus control.

With a loud pop, his hands reappeared.

"HAH!" He hacked the control out of his mouth and into his hands.

"Unhand him!" Bad-Man shouted.

Ryan let out a yell as his hands disappeared before his eyes and Bad-Man wriggled from his grasp, dropped to the floor, and began to run.

"Er… RE-hand him!" Robin commanded uncertainly, as Ryan suddenly found himself the proud owner of two enormous robot hands.

Ryan snorted.

"Luke. I am your father," he said sarcastically, flying after Bad-Man.

As he began to gain on the doctor, Ryan glanced at his metal hands.

"I suppose it's a stretch, but… Ah, what the hell… crazier things've happened today…"

He stopped floating in midair, and thrust his hand in front of his face dramatically.

"THIS HAND OF MINE… IS BURNING RED! ITS LOUD ROAR TELLS ME… TO GRASP VICTORY!"

Bad-Man stopped running and stared in disbelief at Solfire's robotic right hand as it began to glow a blazing red.

"HERE I GO… ERUPTING… BURNING… FINGERRRRR!"

Solfire flew at the evil doctor, his burning hand outstretched.

Bad-Man shrugged. "Okay, then… BOW TO THE MASTER!" He shouted, as his hands turned metallic as well and he sprouted a ridiculous Fu Manchu beard and spindly moustache from his bag, which made it look even more bizarre. "DARKNESS… FINGERRRRR!" He roared as his right hand began to glow a sickly purple color and he jumped up at Ryan.

The two cyborg-finger beings collided in midair, their "finger" attacks intertwining and locking, creating an enormous shockwave.

The Titans stared.

"This is the coolest, stupidest thing I have even seen…" Marveled Beast Boy.

The two combatants struggled for several more seconds before leaping backwards, putting a fair distance between them.

Ryan smirked. "It's time."

"YES!" Shouted Bad-Man.

Ryan- "THE ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE…"

Bad-Man- "…OF THE SCHOOL OF THE UNDEFEATED OF THE EAST!"

Ryan- "THE WINDS OF THE KING!"

BM- "ZENSHIN!"

Ryan- "KEIRETSU!"

BM- "TENPAKYOURAN!"

Both- "LOOK! THE EAST! IS BURNING RED!"

Both combatants drew back their hands on a "Kamehameha" pose, as orbs of light began to appear in their palms.

Ryan- "SEIKI-!"

BM- "-HA-!"

Ryan- "-TEN-!"

BM- "-KYO-!"

Both- "-KEN!"

The two fighters thrust both palms forward as enormous beams shot from their hands and closed the gap between them in less than a second. The two beams struck each other and the entire warehouse was enveloped in golden light.

Suddenly, Robin snapped back to his senses and began to charge Bad-Man, but was stopped by Cyborg's hand around his cape.

"WHURK! What? Cyborg!"

"Hold up, I wanna watch this…"

"You're joking!"

"…Yeah…" Said Raven slowly, "…me too…"

"But we have to-! We can-! I mean-!"

"Most beautiful…" Starfire remarked.

Robin slapped his hand to his forehead.

"Why do I even try?"

"Um… HELP!" Solfire shouted, straining to hold back the ludicrously large energy beam.

Robin threw a Birdarang, but it turned into a pineapple; and subsequent attacks suffered much the same fate.

"Robin," said Raven, "regular attacks won't work. Use the device."

"Okay… How?"

"I don't know; be creative."

"Ok, um…. OOH! I've always wanted to try this… I want the powers of Superman!"

POF.

Suddenly, there he was, garbed in the blue and red suit of the Man of Steel, comically sized muscles popping out from every inch of his arms and chest.

"All right! FREEZING BREATH!" Robin shouted, opening his mouth and accidentally spewing frost all over the other Titans.

"FREEZING BREATH!" Beast Boy yelled. "FREEZING BREATH! Of all of Superman's power's, WHY would you choose FREEZING BREATH?"

Robin shrugged.

"Just be glad he didn't pick heat vision…" said Raven through chattering teeth.

THOOM- BRRZZZAKKK!

"AYEEE!"

Something spiky and black went souring over the Titan's heads, trailing thick smoke behind it.

"Oh, FUCK MEEEEeeeeee…" Ryan called, as he soared through the wall and out into the bay.

"GO!" Super-Robin-Man ordered the frozen heroes.

"KRYPTONITE MISSLE LAUNCHER!" Bad-Man screamed.

"WHAT!"

FWOOSHH!

Bad-Man let loose with green missile.

"Ack! Change me back!" Robin yelled, just as the chunk of alien stone hit him in the chest, knocking him out.

"Rob!" Beast Boy yelled, as he turned into a wolf and rushed Bad-Man, bounding around him and taking the odd bite and tear at the villain's legs.

The doc whipped an aerosol can out of nowhere.

The label read: Anti-Wolf Spray.

Bad-Man shrugged.

"It worked for Batman…"

Beast Boy yelped as he got spray of the greenish gunk in the face. Suddenly, he flew backwards, crashed through the warehouse wall, landed in the bay water and exploded. (Author's Note: If you got that reference, you know everything anyone ever needs to know about Batman).

Cyborg, Raven and Starfire exchanged odd looks and moved in cautiously, circling around Bad-Man.

Cyborg glanced sideways at Raven, then at the Arfenhaus control on the ground near the unconscious Robin. Raven gave a slight nod, and the three tightened the circle.

Bad-Man turned slowly, the Titans' positioning forcing him to take his eyes off of one of them to keep the other two in his field of vision. As he rotated towards Starfire and Cyborg, Raven quickly sent the control flying into her grasp with a telekinetic tug.

As Bad-Man whirled on her, Raven raised the control to her lips and said…

Nothing.

Raven stood with her mouth half open, but no words came. She was suddenly and rather abashedly aware of the fact that she had never the creative type. Quick as a flash, Cyborg leapt over Bad-Man's head, smashing him into the ground, and snatched the Arfenhaus control. Raising the device, he shouted, "MASTER CHIEF!"

And Cyborg was Master Chief. He pulled his energy sword and charged at Doctor Bad-Man, only to find that his sword was now an enormous tuning fork. Shrugging, he hefted the fork up and swung it all the same. It connected with nothing but air, as Bad-Man hopped quickly backwards… and tripped over Robin's extended Bo staff. As Bad-Man staggered, Robin brought his staff up and struck him in the small of the back, sending him into a blow from Cyborg's tuning fork, which sent him back towards an enormous low sweep by Robin. The Boy Wonder's staff caught the villain in the heels and threw him onto his back.

As Robin swung down for the final blow, a command from Bad-Man turned Robin's Bo into a giant smoked meat-log, which simply broke over the doctor's head. He scrambled to his feet and backed away slowly. There were too many of them to take on at once. With the full powers of the Arfenhaus drive at his disposal, he could have dealt with them easily, but now that they too possessed a control… things were dramatically different. Direct-effect commands were now useless, easily deflected by counter-commands from the enemy control, which meant no more soup can heads and spontaneous combustions. Things were becoming most difficult indeed…

----------------------------------------------------

Ryan spluttered, spewing a stream of salty water from his mouth. Flying out of the bay water, he shook his head violently, sending water spraying from his long hair. He snorted disgustedly and tossed his now limp hair out of his face. He looked at his hand. Back to normal. Floating down to the edge of the dock, Ryan closed his eyes and concentrated. A minute later, his clothes were dry, and his hair back to its original spikiness.

"That's bett- WAH!"

Ryan bent over backwards in a classic Matrix-dodge as a green wolf went flying over him, inches from his nose, and crashed into the bay beyond. Ryan stood and stared at the water for nearly a minute, watching as the air bubbles on the surface slowly decreased in number and frequency.

Finally he sighed resignedly, tossed his jacket onto the wood of the dock, and ran for the water. As he reached the end of the dock, he suddenly leapt into the air, did a 180 flip, and as he fell past the edge of the dock, grabbed it with both hands and inverted himself so that he held onto the dock with his hands and had his feet placed between them. He stayed in this position for a moment, pausing to take a breath, then let go with his hands and pushed hard with his feet. He shot like a bullet into the water as the edge of the dock literally exploded into splinters behind him.

Ryan flew through the murky bay water like a torpedo. He must've caught up to the green guy by now. He'd put a lot of force into that pushoff. Maybe too much. Had he overshot? He should've seen him by now. Then again, he couldn't see much at all.

"Time to use the 'ole headlights…"

Ryan closed his eyes, and when they opened, they glowed a bright gold color.

"Ah, there he is. Looks like I don't have much time left…"

----------------------------------------------------

Beast Boy was drowning. Yes, drowning. And for a guy who can turn into a fish, that's a big deal. Not that it was his fault. He had been unconscious and underwater just long enough for his brain to become oxygen-starved and useless. He couldn't have transformed now if had occurred to him to try. Then he saw the lights. Near-unconscious thoughts shot though his brain.

"Ah, some giant, glow-eyed fish is coming to eat me… At least my body's going to a useful cause..."

The light drew closer. Fast.

"Huh? What kind of fish is THAT?"

Then a hand closed around the back of his suit. Then he saw the hair. Long black hair.

"Psh. Aqualad thinks he can save my butt. Like I need his help. I'm dead anyway. Even he can't get me to the surface fast enough now… " Then there was no thought at all.

He was right, too. And if Aqualad couldn't do it, Ryan certainly couldn't. And he knew it. Thinking quickly, Ryan hefted the dead weight in his hands. This was it. The last-ditch-effort. He drew back and threw Beast Boy with all his might, sending the unconscious changeling shooting back towards the surface. It looked as though they might have a chance. Then the momentum began to bleed. A few yards from the surface, Beast Boy stopped entirely and began, once again, to sink.

"Dammit." Thought Ryan. "Dammit. Sorry kid. I tried."

He stared at Beast Boy's soon-to-be-corpse. He clenched his fists.

"Still trying."

There was still a chance. One last way to do it. One last way to save this kid who never did anything but help people. He could fire a starbolt into the kid's back, and the force would propel him to the surface.

But that would mean he'd have use his powers, he'd have to throw it all away. His pride, his life, his friends, and his freedom… All his efforts of nearly a decade… Should he? Could he?

He stared at his clenched fist.

No.

No.

He shouldn't.

He couldn't.

He swore he would never go back.

He swore he would never do it again.

That fist would never kill again. And if it meant the life of this kid, so be it. There were more important things at stake here than just one kid… Weren't there?

Then someone up there saved him the trouble of his own agonizing thoughts. Beast Boy was moving towards the surface. Coming back to his senses, Ryan followed.

He flew out of the water an onto the dock just in time to see something long and black come shooting out of Beast Boy's mouth. It stopped coming, and the changeling sputtered suddenly and sat bolt upright, coughing violently. It was then that Ryan realized that the long black thing was a stream of water. Magically enchanted water.

"Thanks Rae." Beast Boy managed to hack out between coughs.

"Don't thank me," said the gothic sorceress, "thank him." She pointed to Ryan. "If he hadn't gotten to you first, you'd be dead."

Her words gave Ryan pause, but he recovered quickly. "So," he said, "I take it the fight is over?"

"No, we should…"

"NO! You left your team in the middle of a battle to help wounded!"

"Robin's orde- hey!"

Ryan shoved her roughly aside and ran for the warehouse, taking flight halfway across the dock.

"Geez, what's his deal…" Beast Boy muttered.

"He's a soldier… different…" Raven responded. "But, unfortunately, he's right. We need to get back to the others."

"Okay."

----------------------------------------------------

Ryan reached the warehouse in seconds, and not pausing to find an entrance, plowed straight through one of the deteriorated walls, smashing into the tarp-covered box just beyond it. Ryan collapsed on the floor.

"Youch. The hell? That thing should've been splinters…"

Then…

"j00 HI7 M33!1"

Ryan let out a yell and scrambled backwards.

"Wait a second… that voice…" Ryan reached for the tarp's edge and yanked hard.

His mouth fell open.

"Wha-?"

There it was. The Arfenhaus Drive, in all its bizarre glory.

"I b3Z r3v3413D! LOLOLOLOLOL- MMMPH!"

Ryan tossed the tarp back over the drive, and with a rather disturbed look on his face, rejoined the fight.

And what a fight it was.

Robin was clashing staves with what appeared to be Soul Calibur's Kilik, and getting his ass handed to him, Starfire was trapped in a mirrored bubble that was deflecting her Starbolts, and Cyborg was doing his best to fight Bad-Man on his own, clashing his tuning fork with the psychotic doctor's new weapon, a giant hammer with an enormous, pointed diamond for a head.

As Cyborg brought his fork down on Bad-Man, he spotted Ryan out of the corner of his eye.

"YO!" Cyborg yelled, tossing his control into the air.

Ryan caught it.

"Get rid of Kilik! Free Starfire!"

Kilik tuned into a refrigerator, and Starfire's bubble turned into gum and popped.

Bad-Man let out a roar, and flung his hammer into Cyborg's gut. As the hybrid doubled over, Bad-Man leapfrogged over him and slammed his feet into the back of Cyborg's head. As he flew though the air, he shouted something that none of the others could quite make out.

Then Starfire turned into an enormous cantaloupe.

"STARFIRE!" Shouted Robin, who was suddenly transformed into a ten-foot wood-carved replica of Paul Bunyan with a cape.

"Change them back!" Ryan commanded, pressing the button of his control.

"Don't!" Replied Bad-Man.

Ryan stared expectantly at the giant melon that was his sister. Nothing happened.

"Change-!"

"Don't!"

"Ch-!"

"Don't!"

Ryan ground his teeth.

"AHA!" Both combatants jumped at the sound; Cyborg had crept away from the main fight and had snuck around behind Bad-Man and fired at him with his cannon.

Unfortunately, Cyborg's cheer of victory gave Bad-Man the split second's warning he needed to turn Cyborg's sonic blast into a jet of Campbell's Chunky Noodle Soup, which splattered harmlessly, albeit messily, onto Bad-Man's suit.

"Pineapple head!" Bad-Man roared.

"Stop!" Ryan countered.

"Pine-!"

"Stop!"

Bad-Man paused.

"…Don't!"

"Stop! …DAMN!" Ryan gave a yell of annoyance as Bad-Man's trick caused Cyborg to sprout a pineapple for a head. "Give HIM a pineapple head!"

"Don't."

"Do!"

"Don't."

"HEY!" Someone shouted.

It was Beast Boy, with Raven at his side, emerging from a darkened corner of the warehouse.

"We found out what's been causing all this! We found the signaling device! It's there, in the corner!"

"That… that thing was a machine!"

"Something like a machine at least…" Responded Raven, "we followed you through your hole, and we were going to come and help you, but we noticed that bread-thing… It seemed to respond every time someone gave a command, so we-."

SPLORCH!

Beast Boy's chest cavity erupted outward and an alien drone flew out and latched onto Ryan's face. It was all Raven could do not to scream.

"MMMPHH!" Ryan yelled as he clawed at his face in a vain attempt to get the alien thing off it. Realizing he had no hope of removing the parasite, Ryan tossed the control into the air, aiming for where he hoped was where he last saw Raven standing before this thing attached itself to his face. "RHHVN! CXXXCH!"

Raven caught the control just as the alien exploded in a shower of acid, taking Ryan's entire head with it. She stared at the piece of equipment in her hand and at the scene before her. Aside from Beast Boy's and Ryan's bloody remains, the picture looked almost comical.

"Ha ha. F- funny…" Raven noted the slight catch in her voice, and was suddenly aware of how much she was blinking. It took her a moment to take stock of what she was feeling. She could only imagine what Beast Boy must have felt the first time they had encountered the Arfenhaus Drive, before they knew that its effects could be reversed. She could only imagine what it could feel like to think, to know that all her friends were gone, and there was no bringing them back. But this time, she knew that there was a way. She had a control. She could still fight. And win. And then everything would be just like it was before.

But she knew there wasn't a chance. Bad-Man had taken down the other five, and they had all had the powers of the device as well. His mastery of the Arfenhaus Drive was complete. There was only one way to defeat him for sure. Her friends would understand that their deaths were necessary to bring down a madman with a weapon of unequaled power. She knew she would never be able to forgive herself, but she would have to sacrifice any hope of getting them back. She knew what she had to do.

Bad-Man noticed her hesitation and grinned beneath his bag.

"You realize, of course, that there is no hope. Your pitiful team of underage miscreants was no match, and you are no stronger than they; quite the opposite, in fact."

Raven said nothing, so Bad-Man continued gloating. "Perhaps you have a last request? Take it. The means are in your oh-so-unworthy hands. Maybe you want a last meal? Or perhaps you would bring your disgusting friends back so that you can all go to the beyond together?" Bad-Man cackled in triumph. "Hurry now, before I change my mind."

Raven lifted the control to her lips, gazing at Bad-Man over the top of the device.

Forgive me… friends.

"Machine, can you hear me?"

A faint "y3zZ M4Z73r!1" could be heard from the corner.

"Then listen up. Destroy yourself. Take no further commands after this one." Raven tossed her control at Bad-Man's feet. "There. I'm done. Take your best shot."

Bad-Man's mouth went dry.

"No… NO! Drive! Stop! Cease! Abort! Reverse! Cancel! DO NOT CARRY OUT THE LAST COMMAND!"

Interestingly enough, the Drive actually ignored Raven's command about ignoring further commands, and proceeded to stop destructing, then cease stopping, abort ceasing, reverse aborting, and cancel reversing, at which time Bad-Man told it to nullify the last command, which was "Cancel", causing it to promptly explode anyhow, sending decades worth of settled dust and grime that had collected around the place flying into the air.

Raven couldn't see anything. It didn't matter. It was already over. She had stopped him. She had doomed all the friends she had in the world, but she had stopped him.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Raven heard Bad-Man scream. "YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING! I'LL KILL YOU!"

K-DOOM!

Raven's head snapped up at the sound.

Something large was coming straight at her at a rapid pace. She couldn't see just what it was through the dust, but it was big. Man sized.

Bad-Man sized.

Raven dodged to the side as the villain flew past her and slammed into the opposite wall like some psychotic, bag-headed human cannonball.

She whirled to face him, but found her vision once again obscured by dust and debris.

Clak.

Clak.

Clak.

Clak.

Someone was walking toward her. Someone with very high-quality boots…

And then Ryan emerged from the dust, flicking his hand at the wrist.

"Idiot could've got away scot-free under cover, but no, he started yelling like an moron…"

Raven stared up at him as he walked up to her. After a moment, she took a step forward and wordlessly laid her head on his shoulder.

Ryan cocked his eyebrow. He'd only known Raven a couple days, but he was pretty sure that this wasn't something she did on a regular basis, if ever.

"Ah?"

Raven said nothing.

Ryan just stood with his hands slightly raised, as though someone was pointing a gun at him.

"Raven? You okay?"

"…"

Ryan thought he felt his jacket beginning to move on its own. He looked at his sleeve. It was curling, fraying, pulling itself apart.

"Wha-?"

Then he noticed it was a bit blacker than usual.

"Raaaavennn…"

Finally, she spoke. "Gone."

"What?"

"Gone. All gone. They're all gone."

"Who's gone, now?" Said Robin, walking to Raven's side.

"R-Robin? But…"

"But what?" Came a chorus of voices at Raven's back.

Raven's head jerked up, smacking Ryan squarely on the chin.

There were all her friends, alive and well and standing before her.

"But… you all… he… Oh my. How long have you been standing there?"

"A few minutes now."

All vestiges of color drained from Raven's face, and Ryan's jacket promptly ripped itself to pieces.

----------------------------------------------------

A day later, life was mostly back to normal at Titans Tower. All three villains were rotting in prison, and the Arfenhaus Drive was no more. The Titans had handled being briefly dead rather well, and had nearly forgotten the incident by next morning's breakfast. Raven, however, still wouldn't look Ryan in the eye, which was just as well, as Ryan hadn't stopped glaring at her, and had spent an angry, frustrated day and a half attempting to stitch the remnants of his jacket back together. When Beast Boy was brave enough to ask why he couldn't just buy another one, Ryan angrily explained that he had stripped the jacket off of a thug after a barfight, and couldn't exactly track him down to ask him where he had gotten it.

A day after that, with a rather rough-looking, stitched-up jacket on his back (admittedly, he liked the look), Ryan flipped open his cell phone and dialed the number that only he and a select few others knew.

"Seig? It's Ryan. Send the rest of my things. This city's positively crawling with prospect…"

----------------------------------------------------

There! Finally done! Sorry again for the wait.

Now I imagine you're a bit confused about some things, but all will be explained in time…

See you next arc!

Tonight's episode featured music by:

Iron Savior-

Titans of Our Time, from their album Condition Red, copyright 2002, Noise Records.