Title: I'll Be There The Point of No Return
Author: Kaede Yuki
a.n: Okay, I've gotta keep this short. Thank you for keeping up with my crappy work. Arigatou, minna! I just finished this (even my beta-reader haven't even read this chapter) so, there are bound to be mistakes. So, I apologize beforehand for any errors found. Gomen. And if I promised that this chapter was going to be the last, well... gomen... this isn't. I'm a procrastinator and also a very lazy author, this I admit... The next one, I promise, should be the last... I promise! Okay, on with the story...
Anesthetics had to be the cruelest means of relieve doctors ever invented. When the colorless, odorless liquid goes into the human body, it's all giddy and high; but when it wears off, it felt like a ton of brick crashing down on you, - waking you in the most agonizing way ever known to mankind. Yup, anesthetic is a bitch.
At least, that was what the dark-haired detective was thinking when consciousness slowly revived in his pounding head.
Moaning slightly in lieu of the growing headache, Dee's brows knitted together in annoyance before fluttering those long lashes that concealed his gorgeous green eyes.
"Dee…" faint but unmistakable voice of a certain chestnut-haired man that lingered with concern was calling to him in spite of the dreary humming in his ears.
Though he knew that his lover was there, towering beside him, - his unfocused eyes could only do as much as focus on the rough silhouette of the man. Everything was still fuzzy to him.
"…Ryo…?" he called out with uncertainty tinged heavily in his raspy voice. Though remnant of drugs were still inducing weariness in his limbs, mustering all that he could, Dee lifted an arm in the direction of the hazy figure only to be caught mid air before he could even reach to touch the man's face.
The palm of the other was warmer than of his, - as though it was emitting the body heat he was lacking. Complementing perfectly against one another, fingers entwined together as the blond's grip tightened slightly as an indicator that he was right there beside him.
"Hey…" Ryo greeted the awakened man in soft whispers as he brought his face closer, - so close that even under the blurry circumstances, Dee could distinguished those enthrallingly profound pitch-black eyes.
"Ryo…" calling out with more confidence, the ebony-haired detective gave the man a weak smile with those pale pink lips that Ryo longed to kiss.
The blond Japanese's heart wrenched with a mix of emotions; - overwhelmed with happiness because his lover has once again regain consciousness from the darkness of oblivion, but distraught with despair thoughts of the time he has left with the man.
Brushing aside the stray ebony bangs that fell onto his lover's pale face, Ryo felt a lump in his throat, obstructing his ability to speak. Tears obscured his sight, threatening to fall.
Tensed by the given situation, Dee drew a deep breath, preparing himself for come what may. His eyelids lowered till the point they were closed peacefully, but that was only on the surface. Inside, he was gritting his teeth, baring slightly only to depict further the turbulent roaming within him upon his gorgeous façade.
Out of guilt …
Out of pain …
Out of fear …
He could feel his heart tear at the deliberation of each sentiment. He could feel it rip and wrench, he could sense it bleed not with blood but fear.
Fear of having to tell his lover the truth,
Fear of having to hurt him because of the truth,
Fear of having the man hating him,
Fear of seeing tears in the man's pitch black orbs,
Fear of being to attached to his partner to the extent of not being able to die in peace,
Fear of the blond detective being too attached that God knows what stupid things he would do if he had died,
But more importantly, the fear of having to say goodbye, -
Goodbye to the chance of given to him to love the half-Japanese,
Goodbye to the love they shared,
Goodbye… to… Ryo…
Will he be able to that?
A lone tear that fell onto his cheek with a little splash snapped his brooding reverie back to the reality before his eyes. Before his green eyes that lacked of his usual vibrant was the man who held his heart, his soul… his everything…
He knew that he owed the man much more than a simple 'I'm sorry' can convey. But that was all he could offer… that was all he could say…
"…Ryo… I'm …" words were caught mid way by the softness of his lover's lips covering his own.
"Save your strength… Don't say a thing…"
"No, Ryo… It's something I have to…"
"No, Dee. You don't have to…" Denial was written all in his jet black eyes.
"Ryo, I need you to know…" Despite his resolve, his voice failed him from cracking like the frail man he was at the moment.
"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING!" Ryo finally burst out with steady streams of tears streaking down. In his eyes, the blond Japanese held a ferocity Dee had seen one too many times being his partner. It was the same menacing glare he had when he found out his parents were mistakenly killed, the same boring intensity in those black orbs every time Leo Grant spoke of nonsense about how he was the other person worthy of putting a bullet through the bastard's heart.
Dee never thought that there will be a day when that particular glare would be directed at him. But judging by how angry his lover was, he knew that this was the mildest of reprimands he deserved.
After all, he did deceived the man… well, not exactly deceive… more like untruthful.
He had plenty of time to tell his lover about his condition after he was discharged the first time, but he didn't.
"Why?... Why, Dee?..."
Shakily lifting his head to look at his crying lover, Dee tried real hard to suppress all emotions, tried real hard not to show anxiety in those green orbs of his, - only to fail miserably when a lone tear dashed down the side of his temple so fast that one would miss it if not for the moist trail left behind.
"…Don't ask, Ryo…"
Tearing his eyes away from looking into those beseeching midnight orbs, turning his head so that his partner would not have to see the depth of agony in those dark green orbs of his, - it was at times like these words fail him.
"…I … I can't tell you…" his voice was hardly audible, but Ryo heard him nonetheless.
"Can't? Or won't?" the Japanese-American detective asked, carrying heavy hints of bitter anger in his voice.
Dee held a momentarily silence as though he was debating internally between the choices given, - to speak the truth, or to forever hold his secret.
"I won't…" the paling midnight-haired detective was only beginning, but the sound of a sob hitched in his lover's throat was already audible. He could only imagine how much worst it can get before his lover sinks to his knee in strangled, hysteric sobs.
"… I won't run anymore, but I can't tell you either. It's not a matter of will or won't, not a matter of can or can't, -…but how… How am I supposed to tell you something that even I don't know?..,"
"So are you saying that you have no idea why you never bothered to tell me about your condition? Are you saying you were to clueless as to why you choose not to receive medical treatment, choosing to die…" Ryo was practically yelling at the top of his lung, directing all anger at the addressee, but choked back on a sob when the taboo word slipped his tongue, "…choosing to die, without even telling me…?"
If the eyes were the windows to one's soul, then the endless tears trickling down from his black orbs would resemble blood seeping out his wounded soul.
Dee diverted his head to face his lover. But those captivating green eyes held an unfathomable emotion, - an emotion Ryo had never seen Dee portrayed before.
"You're not the only one who doesn't have an inkling about this…" he said softly.
"And that is supposed to make me feel a whole lot better!" countered the flaxen man sarcastically, narrowing his eyes dangerously at the reclined detective.
"…no…" Dee admitted mellifluously, but then picked up his voice a little to continue, "It had never been my intention to let you or even anyone for that matter, to know…"
"God! Who do you take me for!" Ryo was practically glowering down at the man with fuming anger.
For the first time, Dee said nothing to soothe the man's fury.
Instead words said infuriated the blond detective even more.
"Ryo… please leave…" he said firmly, but his eyes refused to meet the man's baffled gaze.
"What did you just said?" Ryo asked, hoping that his ears deceived him.
"Leave, Ryo… Just go…"
"Dee…do you have any idea what you're saying?" Lips quivered, words stumbled with a low tremor.
"Yes, I'm sane enough to know that I want you to leave. Now, go!" Dee replied resolutely, raising his voice to stress his point.
"Dee…" Ryo didn't even bother to hide the pleading tone in his voice.
"Goddamnit! Just GO!"
Picking himself up to a sitting position in a quick motion, his hand swiped the glass off the nightstand next to his bed and threw it across the room, brushing against the left cheek where he used to peck each morning as soon as he stepped into the kitchen where the man he loved was serving breakfast. But now he had marred it with a thin red trail that would leave a bruise soon.
And despite weighing with guilt, he wasn't going to back out of his plan.
"You really want me to go…" It wasn't a question, nor was it a plea. Just a simple statement.
"Yes, now beat it!"
And with that final crude remark, he watched with rendered heart as the only man he ever loved walked out of his life, slamming the door on his way, - putting a permanent end to his love life.
"God…" Throwing an arm over his throbbing head, Dee fell back onto the bed with a loud thud and sound of the mattress spring creaking in protest.
He felt like bawling his eyes out…
He felt like throwing up in disgust for the things he said to the man…
But worst of all, he felt like dying…
A quick but soft knock rapped on his door before a nurse came rushing in.
"I heard a crashing sound from this room. Is everything okay?" she asked with concern.
Pushing away the pain of his heart, a false front masked his façade as he gave her a small apologetic smile, "I'm sorry. I was feeling a bit frustrated and by accident I broke the glass. Can you get someone to clean it up? I'm really sorry for the trouble I'd caused."
Being the oblivious nurse she was, "It's okay. I'll get someone. But until the mess is all cleaned, don't get off the bed. We wouldn't want you to injure yourself, would we?" she said, smiling brightly at the man as though her smile could make everything better again.
But Dee knew that it would be impossible to make things right again, or even as it was before.
"Just before I go, is there anything else you need?" asked the petite nurse, breaking his bleak train of thoughts.
"Yeah…" he said, looking up to meet her sweet smiling nature that contrasted his bitter temperament.
"Can you get Dr. Sergei for me, please?"
Emmelina sank into her chair behind her messy desk, totally exhausted by the ordeal that she had just been through.
Rubbing her index finger against her temple where her growing headache seemed to be nagging her with the obtrusive throbbing.
"God, Laytner…You and your messed up life…" the Russian doctor was going to curse the man with the colorful profanities she learnt in her spare time while working in the general hospital that resided within the notorious city of New York, but refrained herself from doing so.
Thinking back on the incident that happened not so long ago, somehow or rather her resolve to curse the man to his death melted when the words slowly sink into comprehension.
Storming into the detective's ward, "Detective Laytner, you'd better have a very good reason for hauling me here from my lunch break," she said irately to the man with her arms crossed across her chest.
But when he did not reply immediately, her patience wore thinner than before. The man kept a straight face, staring out the window and into the vast sky, - ignoring her presence completely.
"Well!" she asked with irritation.
"I want out," the level of his voice maybe mild and soft, but she knew that his determination wasn't.
"Detective Laytner, this conversation is becoming a bore. We've gone through this many times already. No means no!"
"You know I can't be kept like a caged bird…"
"I know… I know… You're a free spirit. You can't be bound. You need to be freed…All these I've heard one too many times. But Detective, you tell me, - what happened the last time I set you free? Not only did you break your promise, you returned with a condition far worse than before. Now, if you were in my shoes, will you set yourself free?" It wasn't reprimand in her tone, but the kind of tone found in psychiatrist when they are consulting.
The thought alone irked the dark-haired detective, but only a scowl appeared on his gorgeous façade. Under the circumstances, he was in no condition to complain.
"Can't you just do this for me one last time?... It's this man's dying wish. Can't you at least honor it?" he tried.
"Detective…by leaving the hospital, you will only make your lover even sadder than before…" she tried to reason in return as she strode over to the side of his bed and gingerly sat on the unoccupied chair.
One word alone was enough to stir up a turbulent in his emotions.
"He wasn't supposed to know…" Dee said through gritted teeth, looking away from the doctor as though he was blaming her for the pain he felt.
Slightly taken aback, "…I'm sorry… I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret…But don't you think that he deserves to know about it, too?"
"No!" Dee snapped with his eyes glowering at the petite lady.
"He has the right to know, you know?"
"As far as I know, no law in the State of America or even in the City of New York that entitles a doctor to disclose the patient's personal information to a third party unless spouse or blood-related relatives. Don't talk about rights when you have yet to get them right," he retorted with a rising anger.
"But he acknowledges you as a family!" she argued back.
"But I have none!" he bit back sharply, "I'm an orphan, doc. I don't have a family."
Rendered speechless by the man's statement, all Emmelina could do was stare at her patient in bewilderment.
"Now, either I get an official 'ok' to leave, or I'll bust my way out of here." Dee said nonchalantly.
And because of his non-committal tone, Emmelina never took him seriously. But only to be retaliated with regret when she came back to his ward later that evening to find her patient missing.
2 agonizing hours spent in vain search of the man's whereabouts within the premises of the hospital. 2 more hours spent in the hospital administrator's office receiving her reprimands and threats of revoking her license.
"Damn you, Laytner!… Damn you!…" she cursed out loud only to hear her voice reverberate against the four bleach-clean white walls.
Pushing herself further down against the chair, random thoughts began to come into her mind.
'Does he know?... Should I tell him?... But what if he doesn't want him to know?... Would I be doing the man a favor? Or will I provoke him even more?'
The signature knock of her secretary on her door brought her out of her reverie.
"Come in," she said instinctively as she straightened in her seat.
"Dr. Sergei, two officers from the 27th Precinct are here to speak to you about your missing patient," informed her stoic assistant.
No sooner could she call them in, a very familiar face and an unknown man, whom she presumed was the man's colleague, - made their appearance at her doorstep. But he had yet to register the coincidence.
"Dr. Sergei, we're here in regards of a missing patient of yours?" said the newcomer smoothly while keeping the professional tone in his voice, as he read from the little notebook held in his hand. The other detective, whom she recognized from an earlier acquaintance had his attention elsewhere and kept his silence as his colleague addressed her.
"Yes," she answered with cautions tinge in her voice.
"Please have a seat, detective…?"
"Parker… Drake Parker. And this here is…"
"…Detective Randy MacLean, I know… We've met earlier," the doctor cut in, surprising the detective of her acquaintance with his colleague when the man barely said a word of recognition when they were assigned to this case.
Ryo blinked twice as though the very action would take away the thoughts that contaminated his mind, when he heard a lady's voice calling out his name.
"You're..." realization finally sank in, as those midnight orbs widen with acknowledgment.
"You could have at least let me know that you know Dr. Sergei. It would have saved me the trouble of looking like a fool…" his fellow officer grunted.
"Sorry, Drake… I didn't know that…"
"Yes. Detective MacLean did not know my name beforehand, so, it really isn't his fault for not knowing," defended the lady doctor with a knowing smile. She was actually surprised that she could still smile after going though the whole nightmarish ordeal. But then again, she had a professional image to keep.
Settling down in the seat in front of her desk, "So, who's the missing patient?" Drake asked, ready with a pen in his hand to write down all the information necessary to ease their search.
Emmelina stole a glance at the blond detective next to him. As much as he tried to pay attention to the whole Q & A session, she knew that his heart was elsewhere, - namely a ward not too far from her office. She could see the longing look on his face, yearning to visit the man in the said ward. But what kind of reaction would reflect on his debonair façade when he realized that the room was now clear of patient?
"Doctor?"
Blinking back to reality, she couldn't help to blush in embarrassment when a pair of brown eyes bearing concern caught her inattentive.
"Are you okay, doc?" Drake asked.
"Yeah… probably a little worn out by the whole incident…" she admitted, but that was only half the reason for her weariness.
"Well, as soon as we find the guy, you can give him a piece of your mind," Drake said in a half-hearted joke as he flashed her a reassuring smile. Nevertheless, it was a futile reassurance when she knew her patient well enough to know that the only way to get him back would be over his dead body.
"What good would it be to give a corpse a piece of my mind…?" she whispered softly to herself.
"I'm sorry, doc. Did you say something?" asked the detective.
Forcing another smile, "Nothing…just random gibberish…"
"So, back to what I was saying before, do you have any details about this patient? Name? ID? Picture? Or is he a John Doe?"
The Russian beauty spare a split second to contemplate on whether to say the man's name before his disheartened lover or send the police on a wild goose chase, looking for an anonymous man. But she can only keep the secret for so long. Whether she liked it or not, it was bound to be divulged sooner or later.
"His name is more than enough to start your hunt," she finally said.
"Oh?" Drake raised a brow, "He's a fellow officer?"
His colleague's query caught his attention as Ryo straightened in his seat with his brows slightly creased.
"Yes…" she held their suspense for a full second before revealing her missing patient's name, "…His name is… Dee Laytner."
a.n 2: I'm sorry for not able to reply my reviewers in this chapter personally because I'm in a hurry. But a quick thank you to Shirubaa-san , GreenEyedFloozy-san, Cait-chan, firgodes7, Tinanit Enozym-san, Kiori-san, Megamie-san, Josh122121-san and all the other reviewers who had reviewed I'll Be There, - for your consistant support. This chapter is for you all! Thanks!
