A/N: Nothing. Just nothing.


"How was school, Kenny?" Kenny's mom wondered as he walked slowly through the door.

"Sucked."

"Well, we're glad you came back, honey, we missed ya."

"Right," Kenny grumbled, dropping his bag in a corner and darting upstairs, eager to get Kyle's too-big clothes off.

Once up in his room, he slid Kyle's borrowed pants off without even unzipping them. The shirt, which reached halfway down his thigh, he could have taken off like the pants, through the head hole. After slipping into some of his own clothes, he bundled up Kyle's clothes and began his trek to his friend's house.


"Kenny?" Sheila asked, opening the door.

"Yeah. Is Kyle here?"

"No, he-"

"Don't tell me he's at Stan's house." Kenny rolled his blue eyes, annoyed.

"Actually, He wanted to meet Stan at the elementary school." Sheila looked around, then added, "I think he likes Stan, like, like-like."

Kenny, raising a skeptical eyebrow, handed Kyle's clothes to Sheila and slowly backed away. "Yeah… uh, tell Kyle I said thanks."

Smiling to herself, Sheila watched Kenny run towards the elementary school.


"So, what did you want to tell me, Stan?" Kyle questioned agitatedly, wanting to know.

"Hey, you guys!" Kenny called from across the playground.

"Kenny? Get your ass over here!" Stan demanded. When Kenny reached the two, he looked at Stan oddly.

"Stan… Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Long story. I was-"

"Oh, Stan, you horndog!" Walking by the school were Wendy and Bebe.

"Goddammit! Who the hell else is gonna show up!?" Stan yelled, exasperated.

"So you aren't happy to see me? Well, I sure am happy to see you, mister!" Wendy joked, running over to hug Stan.

"Wendy, we were talking and-"

"Were you talking about me?"

"No, I was going to tell Kyle about something-"

"You weren't in school today. I missed you!" She leaned her head on his shoulder. "Dude, you smell like beer- Stan, did you get smashed again?" Wendy stepped back to wave a motherly finger at her boyfriend.

"Yes, Wendy. And now I need to go sleep off my hangover."

"Can I help you sleep?" Wendy giggled, getting raised eyebrows from Kenny and Kyle.

"No, Wendy. Now, normally I wouldn't pass up the chance to fuck you, but today I've got a hangover and something to tell someone. Sorry." Stan reluctantly pecked her on the cheek, then turned to leave.

Shrugging, Wendy and Bebe continued on to the girl's room.


"Alright, young man, you stay in your room and think about what you've done!" Butters' dad yelled, slamming his son's bedroom door.

"F-fuck you Dad! I didn't do nothing'!" Butters retaliated, then realized what he had said and knew what was coming. "Oh, sweet Jesus!"

"Young man? Get out here. I want to talk to you."

Butters swallowed the huge lump of apprehension in his throat. Whenever he did something even incredibly trivial, he either got grounded for a month or bruised up for a good few weeks or so. Somehow he figured that saying 'fuck you' to his own father would more than likely get him a broken arm or a day long coma. The most his mom would ever do to him was lock him in his room and forget about him until his dad got home. Then…

Butters cringed thinking about it. Slowly he opened the door, biting his lip to force back the fearful tears. "Sorry, s-sir." He stared at his feet, trying to regulate his breathing, waiting for a fist to connect with his head.

"Butters, look at me." Nervously Butters looked up, barely hiding his terror.

Suddenly an arm was around him. It was not choking him, as usual, but…. hugging him?

"I've been waiting for you to say that for years now! You've finally learned to stand up for yourself!"

Butters stared up at his dad, his mouth slightly open from shock.

"Son, your mother and I have been giving you such harsh punishments so that you could learn that you need to stand up for yourself. The less you stood up for yourself, the more punishment we gave you."

"W-what? R-really?" Butters mumbled, astonished. Then his anger returned. "Well, that's bullshit! S-sir, I didn't want to d-disrespect you!"

"Butters, you're grounded."

"B-but that's bullshit! What for?"

"Now that's my boy. Come on downstairs. I'll make you some hot chocolate."


The doorbell was ringing.

"MOM! Get the Goddamn door!" Cartman hollered from his perch on the couch.

"Mommy's busy, honey," Cartman's mom said sweetly as she lit up her crack pipe and snuggled closer the man in bed with her.

"Son of a bitch!" Cartman fell off the couch and smashed the front door opened. "Butters? What the he;; are you doing at my house, you little-"

Cartman was cut off by Butters cuffing him in the jaw.

"Owww… You little fucker, I eat with that!" Cartman tackled the smaller teenager, who fell on the ground under Cartman's weight. Although Butters was pinned by 190 pounds of Cartman's ass, he beat his fists wherever they landed, kicking in vain.

"Get the f-fuck off me!" Butters punched blindly one more time, then Cartman stood up fast, holding his bloody nose.

"Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body." Cartman turned and ran into his house, locking the door behind him.

"Holy shit, dude!"

Butters, still laying on the ground, glared over his shoulder at Kenny, Kyle, and a shirtless Stan staring at him from across the street.

"Oh, hi, fellers." Butters rose to his feet and swaggered towards them, but they gradually backed away. "W-what? I don't have any grudges against y-you guys… except maybe K-Kenny."

"Me?" Kenny asked, wide-eyed, pointing at his chest. Kenny had no reason to be worried, though. Butters was not much bigger than him, and a really bad fighter. He grinned in spite of himself.

"Yeah. That t-time you threw a ninja star in my eye r-really hurt."

"Yeah," Kenny remembered. "And we dressed you up like a-"

Stan and Kyle both covered Kenny's mouth before Butters had a reason to kick their asses, too.

They allowed Butters to walk over to them and stand next to Kenny silently, staring at Stan. "Uh, w-why doesn't Stan have a shirt on?" Butters muttered to Kenny, who only shrugged.

"It's a long story," Stan growled. "Let's go over to Kenny's house and I'll tell you."

"Why my house? You guys said it sucked ass."

"Well, it does. But I won't go over to Kyle's, and I can't stay at my house. I was headed for Cartman's house but Butters had to fuck it all up so, Kenny, we're going to your house whether you like it or not," Stan told Kenny pointedly.

"C-can I come?" Butters asked.

"Sure," the other three boys agreed.

A few houses down, they reached Kenny's house, a pitiful green shack, with twisted metaljunk in the front yard. A truck, yet to be fixed, restedon the burnt brown weeds that was the McCormick's lawn. Scowling as he opened the door, Kenny looked around, almost daring someone to say something.

"Hi, honey. Aw, ya brought some friends over. Who's the blond one?" Kenny's mom asked of Butters as she sat on the ratty couch, drinking a beer and watching Days of Our Lives on the little black and white TV.

"M-my name's B-Butters, ma'am."

"Okay, then. You all be on your way. Kevin says whoever disturbs him and his little girlfriend will be sorry, whatever that's supposed to mean." She leaned back on the couch, sipping peacefully on the beer.

"Dude, Kevin has a girlfriend? What kinda dumbass would date him?" Kyle laughed when the four of them were up in Kenny's room. Kenny nodded and sat down on the one clean spot on his splintered wood floor. The others followed suit. Kenny, who'd been holding in his laughter all the way up the stairs, burst out laughing.

"Kyle, I've got something important to say, remember? Now, Goddammit, we're all gonna listen to me, got it?"

"Got it," Kyle, Butters, and Kenny, through heavy laughter, agreed.

"Okay. This morning I woke up on the front lawn covered in puke, and it took me forever to walk inside and up the stairs. I wanted my mom to take me to school, right? And when I got to her room I saw… uh, I saw my-"

Stan was interrupted by a loud, obviously female moan from the next room.

Kenny got up from their little circle and pounded his fist on the wall. "You guys sound like you're making a porno in there. It doesn't feel that good, does it?"

The teens still sitting on the floor started howling with laughter, but Kyle just looked pissed off, as usual.

"Godammit, Kenny! Sit your skinny ass down and Stan, you finish the fucking story."

"Okay, okay. I saw Kyle's mom… uh… you know…"

"NO, asshole, I don't… wait… you mean… ewww! Gross!"

Butters and Kenny, who still didn't know, were baffled.

"W-what was she doing, S-Stan?"

"Our moms were dyking each other out," Kyle said flatly, traumatized.

Kenny started into hysterics.

"Shut the hell up!" Kevin and his girlfriend yelled through the wall.

"Dude…" Kenny started, holding his splitting side for a minute. "Seeing that is gonna fuck up your sex life seriously!" He fell back and continued laughing.

"Yeah…" Stan's eyes glazed over for a minute as he thought about all the times he could have had sex with Wendy and didn't. Kenny was right- he would be fucked up. Unless, of course, he forgot, but he knew that could never happen- at least not anytime soon. "Kenny?"

"Yes?" Kenny looked at Stan from his position laying on the floor.

"What's sex like?"

"And what makes you think I'd know?" Kenny grinned.

"Well, uh, I don't know."

"Just to let you know, Stan, this is a really fucked up question to ask at this really fucked up time."

"Answer the fucking question, asshole!" Kyle demanded, since he really wanted to know, too.

"It's like this: the chick matters more than you. Remember that, and you're good. Forget it, and you're screwed. Not literally of course. The first girl I did it with was some hobag from North Park and she was so much taller than me, I remember that she had to pick me up so I could even neck her. We went to some chick flick together and we slipped vodka in our sodas and got smashed. We did it right there in the movie theater, drunk, in the back row. The usher saw us doing it and kicked us out. It was pretty funny." Kenny told them all as he recalled it.

Exchanging a glance with Kyle, Stan said, "Yeah, but what's it like? Like, what do you…. uh, think about?"

"First you think about how hot the chick is, even if she's not. Then, how good the chick is, even if she's not. Then you think about how you love her and want to marry her, but when it's all over you think she's a slut for sleeping with you. Even if you did date her, when she caves you lose almost all respect for her, dump her, suffer all that 'morning after' bullshit, and then want her back. But it never happens, man. Now, do you have any other retarded shit you wanna ask? I'm your sexpert for today, right?"

Kyle and Stan raised their eyebrows at an actual word of advice from Kenny.

"Y-yeah, Kenny, um, what's it like saying s-stuff to the girl after, uh, y-you know," Butters asked, surprising everyone.

"Well, Butters, it isn't that hard. The girl doesn't even remember who the hell you are, or at least the girls I did it with didn't, unless she was a girlfriend or something. Then, she'll probably kill you for breaking up with her afterwards or be all lovey-dovey with you if you didn't. Anything else?" Kenny asked, seeming cocky for the first time Kyle and Stan could remember.

"Okay, then, Kenny, do you think sex is really worth it?" Kyle asked, figuring such a question would challenge Kenny.

"When you think about it, not really. But then again, who thinks anymore?"

"Kenny, what would you do if you if you saw your mom and, say, Cartman's mom dyking each other out?" Stan questioned, growing uncomfortable with all the sex talk.

"I'd laugh."

"Would you?"

"Wanna bet?"

"Sure."

"Dude, how are you guys gonna bet?" Kyle wondered.

"I dunno…" Stan grinned and rose to his feet. "My foot's asleep."

"K-Kenny? How old were you when you f-first… did it?" Butters asked curiously, pissing Stan of by dragging the sex topic back up.

"Beats me. Probably twelve or thirteen," Kenny answered distractedly. He also got up, only to be joined by Butters and Kyle.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, Kenny slammed his fist on the wall again. "Kevin? Did you come yet?"

In a matter of a second or less everyone was laughing again, Stan and Kyle included.

"Jeez, Kenny! I swear…" Kyle snorted between laughs.

"K-Kenny? What if Kevin gets mad?"

"Kevin gets mad all the time. His threats are empty. But mom…" Kenny shook his head. "She's the one you don't wanna fuck with."

"W-what?"

"Kevin used to beat me up." Kenny lifted his t-shirt up to show all kinds of scars all over his skinny stomach. Pointing at the biggest and most evident, he said, "That's where Kevin stabbed me with a fingernail file." He pointed at another scabbed over patch of skin on his stomach. "And this is where Mom spilled hot water on me." Kenny didn't need to tell where all the others came from. They all inferred that his many deaths had given him at least a few unpleasant reminders. However, he held out his left arm, showing off some impressively deep gashes up his arm. "This fucker really hurt. I had to reach into a bunch of spiky bushes for something; I don't even remember what, I was so drunk."

"Are you sure you didn't just get drunk and slit your wrists the wrong way?" Kyle joked, noticing that the scratches were vertical.

"Yeah." Kenny looked at his wrists, both of which were scarred from various fatal accidents. "Now, why would I want to give myself more scratches when I've already got enough?"

Kyle shrugged. "Seems like something you'd do."

"Why?"

"Oh, I don't know…" Kyle was surprised that Kenny was glaring at him.

"What? You are?" Kevin said from the other room.

Instantly four ears were pressed up against Kenny's wall.

"Oh, OK."

"No, that's not-"

"Kevin, I've gotta deal with this myself."

"Hey," Stan noted. "That voice sounds like-"

"SHELLEY?!" Kyle and Kenny exclaimed when Kevin's girlfriend bust through the door.

"Stan? Listen, you turd, if you tell Mom about this, I'll kill you!" She turned abruptly and left, throwing an especially nasty glance at Stan.

"Her threats aren't empty…" Stan mumbled, fearing the wrath of Shelley.


Wow. I did it. Go me. The spacing on this is all fucked up and if it messes up then I really don't care. I have to heavily cut the next few chapters to get on with the story, so if things seem unclear or just really stupid, tell me. Or if you don't want them to get butchered too bad. Chapter four, five and six will essentially be one 2,500 word chapter when I get done, hopefully. Currently they take up 15-20 pages on paper, which is just too much.

I'm also thinking of just crapping the entire last two chapters, and leaving more to the blood and gore and all. Also I'll put in a few sidetracks, plagarize my other story, and basically get rid of at least 30 extra pages on paper. It's gonna be hard.

Shit.

Next chappy up by next week. I promise.

::falls asleep::