GRYFFINDOR!" Screamed the Thinking Hat, of course it was more than a little stoned at the time, so his decision was hardly ethical.

"OH NO!" cried Harry. "I do believe I wet myself."

"Quick! Someone fetch a mop!" yelled Hermione.

"We don't have a mop," replied Ron. "Oh well, we can just use this here Nimbus 2000, that'll do the job."

But that's mine!" complained Harry, who was now starting to smell.

"How the fuck will we clean the piss of the floor then!" yelled Malfoy, who was completely intoxicated.

"AREN'T WE MAGIC?" asked Hermione. "I'll just cast a spell and- HEY! Where's my wand?"

"Oh, sorry about that," said Nevil. "I was feeling a bit peckish so I ate it."

Ad then, because Voldemort poisoned the food, they all died.

THE END!