Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction

BY LARGEMARGE

Author's Note: Okay, guess what? The "Harry and Draco become best friends" plotline is one I can't bring myself to buy into, not even to make fun of it. Well, yet, anyway. Since there wasn't much in the way of feedback on this topic from my devoted readers (a bit of humor there), I've chosen to go with the dream theory. Sorry to disappoint anybody. By the way, is anybody actually reading (and enjoying) this? See my note at the end, then.

Oh, and by the way, I think I have been remiss in thanking my reviewers, so here goes: Special thanks and cyber chocolates for Sir Slytherin, Larna Mandrea, Mystic Moon6, MyLuckyStars, Joe, Azure Ocelot, There Goes My Gun, Ana, G4SPR, OjkSpattergroit, Mknotr2d2, LT2000, Hedlund, DAZY, Maartje, Sevkitty, Eggo Waffles, Not a Homicidal Maniac, Queenofdarkness, Wallywuzheer, and Violets-in-Spring.

And my special double fudge chocolate peanut butter cyber brownies for my return reviewers Larna Mandrea, MyLuckyStars, Ana, Hedlund, Sevkitty, and Eggo Waffles (I hope no one's allergic). Cheers!

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. We don't even look alike. Well, not much.


Harry Wakes Up

Harry's eyes flew open. He was shaking and covered in sweat. Immediately he rolled to the side of his bed and vomited.

"Oh, Cho…you're so sweet…" Ron was mumbling in his sleep.

Harry rolled back to the center of his bed and lay still, shaken and queasy.

"No one can catch a snitch quite like you…"

He was going to be sick again, just from listening. "Ron."

"I like you too, Cho…you're so soft…"

"Ron, wake up!" Harry yelled, too queasy to get up and smother Ron with a pillow like he wanted to.

There was a rustling noise from the direction of Ron's bed. "Shmatter, Harry?" Ron mumbled.

Just thinking about Ron and Cho caused another wave of nausea and Harry lay still, incapable of speech.

"Harry?" Sounds of movement came from the direction of Ron's bed. "Smatter, mate?" He padded to Harry's side. "What's – ewww!" He backed off a step. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Harry swallowed thickly.

"Who is it this time?" Ron demanded. "It's not…Mum, is it? Harry, if that snake's got her –"

He swallowed again and this time managed to speak past the queasiness. "It's not that, Ron. As far as I know your mum's fine."

Ron heaved a sigh of relief. "Well, what is it, then? Do I need to get McGonagall? Who's dying?"

Easing himself up on his elbows, Harry frowned. "Who said anyone was dying?"

"You said you had a nightmare," Ron returned impatiently. "So who is it this time?"

"Just shut up for a minute, will you?" Harry asked irritably.

Uncertainly Ron backed off another step as Harry pushed himself into a sitting position and slumped over. He heaved a sigh.

"It was Malfoy," he finally said.

"Malfoy?" Ron asked uncertainly. "Malfoy was dying? But that's brilliant, Harry! This is what you're upset over? Let's wake everyone up and celebrate!"

He made a move toward Seamus's bed, but a mumbling voice brought him up short. "Are you kidding? Like anyone could sleep in here with the two of you yapping away."

"Yeah, shut up already," Dean complained.

Neville snored loudly.

"But Malfoy's –" Ron began.

"Malfoy's not dead," Harry said through gritted teeth.

"Then what'd you wake us all up for?!" Seamus shouted.

Ron gave Harry a look. "Why don't we go downstairs, Harry."

Seamus snorted.

Dean grunted.

Neville snored.


Harry followed Ron into the common room, feeling a little less queasy with each step.

Ron stopped in front of the fireplace and turned. "Well, let's have it. Is someone dead or not?"

"No one's dead, Ron!" Harry said impatiently. "Why do you automatically assume –"

"Then what's the idea of –"

"It was a nightmare, Ron. You have no idea." Harry shuddered violently as he recalled the horrible details. "It was…awful."

"Another nightmare, Harry?"

They both jumped, surprised to hear a voice coming from the corner of the room.

"Hermione?"

She put down her book and approached them.

"What're you doing up?" Ron asked stupidly.

"Studying, obviously," she said, giving him a look. "I don't want to get behind."

"Behind? Oh, yeah," Ron said. "We haven't even been in school a month. How're you going to get behind, I'd like to know?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Ron. Would you stay on topic?" She turned back to Harry. "Was it horrible, Harry?" she asked sympathetically.

Harry suddenly found himself drowning…drowning…in the sympathy of Hermione's eyes.

"I…I…" he stuttered, suddenly flustered.

Ron looked from Hermione to Harry and back again. He frowned. "Er…yeah, Harry. Was it about…You-know-who?"

Harry gave himself a mental shake and looked away from Hermione. "Yeah…that's what I was trying to tell you. It was about Malfoy, and it was the most horrible…" Harry broke off, contemplating just how truly horrible it had been.

"What about Malfoy?" Ron prompted, obviously trying to be patient, but just on the verge of losing it. "Something about our fight on the quidditch pitch today?"

"No, not that." Harry shook his head. "He…he wanted to be my friend."

"Your friend?" Ron hooted with laughter. "Oh, that'll be the day."

Hermione frowned. "You know, Ron, Malfoy is actually a person. He has feelings."

Ron frowned. "Why're you sticking up for Malfoy all of a sudden?" A sudden jealous light sprang into his eyes. "What's going on between you two?"

Hermione shrugged. "Nothing. I still think he's a creep. I just said that because whoever's writing this story wants to show that I don't just stick up for house elves. I also stick up for poor misguided bullies, even though they may call me names and humiliate me at every possible opportunity."

"You have such a big heart," Ron said with admiration. "That's one of the things I…uh…like about you."

Harry cleared his throat loudly. "Ahem. We were talking about me. Me. Remember?"

The two turned back to him. "Sorry. You were saying?" Hermione asked.

Harry turned away from them and stared into the fireplace as he recounted the horrible details. "In my dream…I likedhim. I wanted to be his friend. I'm telling you, it was creepy. I even…put my around him."

"That is disturbing," Ron agreed. "No wonder you were sick."

Harry didn't bother to tell them that Draco had, in fact, approached him with an offer of friendship already. That was something he didn't want anyone to know about.

"Are you going to be okay, Harry?" Hermione put a hand on his shoulder.

Harry was stunned at the jolt of electricity that went through his body, not unlike sticking your tongue on a twelve-volt battery (something the author would not recommend), and the two immediately jumped apart.

"What is it? What's the matter?" Ron asked.

"Uh…nothing," Harry said, avoiding looking at Hermione. What was that? he asked himself. Hermione? But we're just friends! Aloud he said, "Just…jumpy, I guess."

"Well, okay," Ron said reluctantly.

Harry and Hermione avoided looking at one another and Ron looked confused. "Guess we better get back to bed," he finally said.

"Yeah," Hermione jumped in. "I think I'm done studying for the night." The two started moving for their separate stairways. "Coming, Harry?" Hermione asked. She stopped. "That is…I mean…not to my bed. I just meant…going? Are you going to bed?" She looked nervously at Ron.

Harry shuddered and ran a hand over his face. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep. You two go. I just need to…think."

"Are you sure?" Ron didn't seem to want to leave him in his delicate state of mind, especially when he and Hermione were suddenly acting so non-platonic.

Harry nodded vigorously. "Yeah, you go. No sense in all of us missing out on sleep."

Ron shrugged and made for the staircase. Hermione reluctantly followed suit. "If you're sure…" she trailed off.

Ron chuckled again before disappearing up the stairs. "You and Malfoy…friends…sure, and Snape wants to be your father, too." He snorted with laughter as he ascended the staircase and disappeared from sight.

Harry frowned into the fireplace. Ron's guess was a little too close for comfort. Although nobody would know it from Snape's behavior. Actually, just the opposite. Snape seemed to hate him more than ever lately.

"Uh…Harry?"

He jumped. Hermione was back.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just wondered…what was that jolt of electricity thingy that just passed between us? It can't possibly mean that…we're madly in love with each other, can it?"

He flushed. "No, I'm sure it can't mean that. Can it?. I mean, I'm in love with Ginny. Or is it Buttercup? I can't really remember which one it is right now…"

She frowned. "Right. And everyone knows the real reason there's so much tension between Ron and I is because we're really crazy about each other. Wildly, madly in love. Me and Ron. Yep."

They stared intensely into each other's eyes.

"Oh, Hermione.." he began, suddenly unable to stop himself. He grabbed her hand. "I can't keep it in any longer…I'm just wild about your bushy brown hair…your teeth…and your intelligence drives me mad…"

"Is it possible?" she breathed. "Can I really be in love with…you?"

Harry smothered her hand in kisses until the words registered, at which point he dropped her hand like a hot coal. "Why do you say it like that?" he asked.

"Like what?"

"Like that. Like…'can I really be in love with…YOU?' Like I'm so terrible to be in love with."

She shrugged. "Well, I didn't mean it like that, Harry."

"Oh." Still, he wasn't entirely appeased.

"But it's not like you're the greatest catch in the world, either," she continued after a small pause.

"Oh, so now the truth comes out," he said angrily, backing off a step. "What's so wrong with me?" He was truly offended now.

She folded her arms. "Well, you're always flying off the handle. You're so stupid and headstrong sometimes. Like that fight with Malfoy this morning. What was that about? What, he looks at you cross-eyed and you decide to beat him up? And besides, everyone knows you're going to end up dead someday, which will only lead to more heartbreak."

The passion coursing through his veins was abating. "Well," he said. "Well then." He looked around helplessly for a moment, debating what to say.

Hermione cleared her throat uncomfortably.

"Well," he said again. He yawned and stretched. "I…think I'd better get to bed. I'm exhausted."

"Yeah, me too." She took a step away.

He headed for the stairs.

"Harry?"

"What?" he asked, pausing with his foot on the first step, certain that she probably just wanted to insult him further.

"I…I still like you. We can still be…platonic, can't we?"

He shrugged. "Sure, whatever," he said, like he couldn't care less, even though his emotions were raging, boiling within him…his heart broken and shattered…he would never be the same again…never never never never...

And disappeared up the stairs.


"Hey, Harry, when are we starting the DA again?" Ron asked over breakfast a week and a half later.

Harry glanced up in surprise. "The DA? But…Umbridge is gone. We don't need –"

Hermione gave him a look. "We don't need it? Honestly, Harry. At the rate Professor Hodgepodge is teaching us, maybe we'll be up with the fourth years before the end of the year. We'll never pass our NEWTs if she has her way."

"Professor Hodgepodge is a good teacher," Harry said loyally, although without much enthusiasm. Ever since his pseudo-romantic interlude in the common room with Hermione, he'd decided to put off girls forever. They were a curse, that's what they were. Didn't bring anything but unhappiness and confusion.

"Still can't believe she's seeing that greasy git, though," Ron muttered. The news was flying around the school like fire. Snape and Hodgepodge sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g. "She deserves better."

Hermione glared at them both. "The DA?" she reminded them. "We won't need to keep it under wraps this year either. I bet the headmaster will be all for it."

Harry shrugged halfheartedly. "Yeah, I suppose so." He was still thinking about his barren love life, pushing his food around his plate.

"I'll put a notice up," Hermione said.

"Just don't make it tomorrow," Harry said absently. "I've got Occlumency with Snape."

"When did you start that up again?" Ron asked. "I thought you learned everything there was to know."

Harry shrugged and wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. "Refresher course," he mumbled.

"Oh." Ron devoted his attention to his breakfast once again.


The next evening found Harry making his way to Snape's office for "remedial potions," just in case anyone asked. He took a deep breath before knocking.

"Get in here, Potter, you slimy little…"

Harry wasn't sure he'd heard right, but he opened the door and walked in just the same.

Snape was standing there, wand out, smirking at him. "So you decided to come after all, did you?"

Already Snape was in a bad mood. This didn't bode well for the evening, Harry reflected as he closed the door. "I thought that was fairly obvious," he mumbled, rummaging around for his wand.

"Why…you impudent little whelp! Legilimens!"

Before Harry could protest that he was not ready, Sirius was falling through the veil…Uncle Vernon was beating him to a bloody pulp…Hermione was rejecting him…oh, the humiliation…

Harry was on his hands and knees, gasping. His face was wet.

"I wasn't ready! That wasn't fair!" he shouted once he got some air back into him.

Snape smirked. "I'm a Death Eater. No one ever said I had to play fair." He indicated the Pensieve on his desk. "And I feel I should tell you, Potter, that if you even so much as look at my Pensieve, I'm going to curse you into oblivion."

Harry averted his eyes.

The entire evening went like that. Harry was relieved when Snape finally delivered his concluding remarks. "Well, you're pretty dang awful at this, Potter. Ever considered taking up knitting instead of magic? Very relaxing, that. Anyway, you're even worse than last year, if it's possible. I've half a mind to tell Dumbledore to just letthe dark lord have you for all I care. I had expected some improvement over the summer holiday, but I suppose I was forgetting two very vital things. One, you're a Gryffindor. And two, you're a Potter."

Harry growled. "Well, you need to wash your hair once in a while."

"Get out of my sight," Snape sneered, turning his back.

Harry barely held himself back from Avada Kedavra-ing Snape in the back. Besides, it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. Though the trip to Azkaban would have been worth it.


My note at the end: If you're actually reading this, would you please please please (please please) review and tell me so?!! (That's five pleases…that's some serious begging…so get down there and hit that review button! …please?). As much fun as it is to write this, I've got better stuff to do if nobody's reading anymore. Adios!

This fic's in trouble. As it's headed, it's looking like there's going to be a Jerry Springer-type confrontation at the end, instead of a Voldemort confrontation. Yikes! (You know, just picture it: Ginny and Buttercup and Hermione come to blows over Harry, while Harry fights off Ron and Snape. Perhaps I should rename this "As the Wizarding World Turns" or something). And I am fond of ellipses. Sorry if they drive you crazy.

Flame me, baby!

(I've always wanted to write that at the end of a fic)