Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction
BY LARGEMARGE
Author's Note: Many thanks to kind reviewers. You rock and I'm visiting all your fics as soon as possible and leaving ten reviews apiece. Well, don't hold your breath. But you still rock!
Disclaimer: Same as all the other chapters.
Wherein the Author Feels Sarcastic
In keeping with all good bad fanfics (oxymoron?) there will now be an unexplained and completely arbitrary passage of time.
"Harry! I've come to visit you!" Remus said while cuffing Harry on the shoulder.
"Professor," Harry said blankly. "Where've you been? I expected you to visit me in the hospital wing weeks ago!"
"Oh, that," said Remus. "First of all, don't call me professor. It bugs me. And secondly, you see, I was busy doing…important stuff. This is the first chance I've had to get away."
"Oh," Harry said. "Well, you're just in time for the Halloween feast! Are you going to join us?"
"I don't think so, Harry. I was actually wondering if you had time for a little talk."
"About what?" Harry asked curiously.
"Oh, you know. Everything. What's going on in your life? Are you still brooding about Sirius all the time? How's school? Is there anything particularly pressing that you'd like to get off your chest?"
"Um…well…there is this one thing…"
Harry and Remus chatted while they strolled in the Forbidden Forest, because naturally that is where the author put them.
Suddenly Harry glanced at the sky. "Remus…isn't tonight…a full moon?" (dun dun dun!)
The moon emerged from behind a bunch of clouds. "Dang, I knew I forgot something," Remus said, while he transformed into a wolf and began chasing Harry.
Harry screamed and ran for a while but somehow managed to elude Werewolf Remus. But then he got caught and Remus bit him and – dun dun dun – then, of course, left him alone, so Harry limped back to the school by himself and crawled into bed. He was devastated. Now he was a werewolf. What was he going to do? His friends couldn't know because…well, they just couldn't, okay? He would have to hide it from everyone, and his life was no longer worth living and what was he going to do and –
KAPOW!
The author knocked him out.
Harry was moody and withdrawn for quite a number of days after that. Plus he snapped at everyone and had bad dreams. The first quidditch match, between Gryffindor and Slytherin, was that Saturday. Since Harry was banned from the first game and he was already feeling so moody and stuff, he refused to even watch the game. Instead he sat in his room staring out the window feeling all irritable and thinking how he'd like to kill Remus.
After the game, which Gryffindor lost, (everyone blamed it on Harry and Ron) Ron and Hermione whispered a lot and kept giving Harry looks, because it's unnatural for a teenage boy to get moody and withdrawn, especially Harry.
At their next weekly D.A. meeting, Harry decided not to go, because he didn't need to learn to defend himself now that he was a werewolf. All he needed to do was sit around and be moody. And if anybody threatened him, he could just wait for a full moon and then rip their throat out.
Afterwards there was an intervention. Harry was sitting on his bed staring dully out the window at the driving rain, thinking about how crappy his life was. Suddenly all the important characters from the first five books that weren't dead ran into his room.
"Harry, we're just here to help," Hermione said.
Harry looked up and gave her a disinterested stare.
"Yeah, mate. We're all worried about you," Ron chimed in. "This has got to stop."
Harry turned away.
"And we're not leaving, either!" Neville piped up. "No matter what you do! Well, I actually live here, so you can't really make me leave anyway."
"Yeah, and Harry, we all really care about you a lot, and that's the reason we're here," said Cho.
Ron looked at Cho jealously.
Hermione looked at Ron jealously.
Harry examined his fingernails with fascination.
"Harry, it's important to remember in a situation such as this what The Quibbler always says," Luna said.
Everyone ignored Luna. "Please just stop doing this to yourself, Harry. It's tearing me apart," sobbed Ginny, who was trying out for a part on The Young and the Restless.
Draco pushed his way to the front of the group. "Harry, if you don't stop being so moody, we'll never get to fully explore our relationship and become friends at last!"
"Who let him in here?" Ron asked. "Get him out."
The mob drove Draco from the room. Harry took the opportunity to whip out his invisibility cloak while no one was paying attention. Then he went off and hid somewhere for a while until everybody forgot about the little intervention.
That weekend there was a Hogsmeade visit. Harry went because he was interested in exploring the Shrieking Shack a bit. He figured he'd better find his way in and everything and set up house, since he'd be spending a lot of time there from now on.
So when everyone else suggested going off to get some sweets and butterbeer and junk, Harry made some excuse and ran away.
He crept stealthily toward the Shrieking Shack. Then he wondered why he was being so secretive, 'cause there wasn't anyone around to watch. So he climbed in a window and looked around.
"Hey, Harry! What're you doing here?"
Harry jumped about a mile. "Remus! What are you doing here?"
Remus was sitting at the kitchen table eating a peanut butter sandwich. "I'm just having lunch! You hungry?"
He shook his head and sat down. "Not particularly. But what are you doing in the Shrieking Shack?"
Remus shrugged. "Oh, I hang out here all the time. Place just feels like home to me. Are you really sure you don't want anything to eat? There's bologna in the fridge…and carrots…"
Harry shook his head. "No. But Remus, there's something I have to tell you. It's very important."
Remus took another bite of peanut butter sandwich. "Okay. Shoot. I'm listening."
He tried to find the right words. "Well, you see, I'm a werewolf now." Yeah, those were the right words.
"Harry, no!" Remus said with shock, dropping his sandwich into the dirt and grime on the table. "I don't believe it!"
"Yes, it's all too terribly true," Harry said dramatically.
"But how did this happen?" Remus demanded, jumping to his feet. "Where's the werewolf who bit you? I'll kill him!"
"It was you, duh!" said Harry. "What other werewolves do I hang out with?"
"Oh." Remus sat down again. "Oops."
"Yeah, thanks a lot," Harry said bitterly.
"Well…let me see the bite," Remus said desperately. "Maybe it wasn't very bad…"
"It's healed now," Harry said. "Duh."
"Did it get all swollen and full of pus?" Remus asked.
"No." Harry perked up. "Does that mean I'm not a werewolf after all?"
"Nah. Just means it wasn't infected." He picked up the sandwich absently and began eating again.
"Well? Don't you have anything else to say?" Harry demanded.
Remus shrugged. "What can I say? It's not like I can undo it now. You better tell Professor Snape, though, so he can make you some Wolfsbane potion. Hey! Now we can hang out together when we both turn into werewolves! What fun that will be!"
Harry stood up abruptly. "I wouldn't hang out with you if you were the last werewolf on earth," he informed Remus shortly. "Thanks for nothing." He stormed out of the building.
If it was possible, Harry was even more silent and moody after that. Although thankfully nobody staged anymore interventions.
The next week he had Occlumency again with Snape. He was a little frightened, because he knew if he let Snape get in his head, the first thing he was going to find out was that Harry was now a werewolf. Harry didn't want Snape to know. He had already decided he didn't need any Wolfsbane potion. His plan was when the full moon came around, he was going to go hang out in the dungeons, and when he transformed into a werewolf, he'd completely eradicate all the Slytherins. He'd probably get a medal of honor or something. Probably Order of Merlin, first class.
So anyway, he walked in Snape's office and had his wand out already because no way, by golly, Snape was not getting in his head, not this time, not ever again…
"You're late and you're acting weird," Snape observed. "I don't even wanna know why. Legilemens!"
Harry was already prepared. "Accio kryptonite!" he shouted. A green meteor blasted through the wall of Snape's office. Harry deftly caught it and held it in front of his head.
"Potter." Snape sounded amazed. "You blocked me!"
"Even Superman can't see through kryptonite," Harry said smugly.
Snape looked faintly amused. "All you need now is a helmet made out of that stuff."
"I'm already working on it," Harry told him.
Snape let him go early that night.
A week later and Harry was starting to get downright nervous. The full moon was approaching. He was going to transform into a wolf for the first time! Would he be scary? Would girls think he was hot? Or would they just run screaming from him? Maybe he should go hang out with Remus in the Shrieking Shack after all.
"Harry, what's been bothering you lately?" Hermione demanded one morning at breakfast. "Your marks are falling in all our classes. Haven't you been sleeping well? Are you having visions? Do you need to talk to Dumbledore?"
"I'm fine," Harry said shortly. "You wouldn't understand."
"But I understand everything!" Hermione wailed.
"Knock it off, Harry. You're upsetting Hermione," Ron said.
Harry got up and left.
"Harry!" Ginny ran after him. "I just wanted to say…I still like you. Even though you're all moody and sensitive all the time. I think it's sexy."
"Ginny," Harry began tentatively. "Would you like me…even if I was a…werewolf?"
"Oh, Harry," she breathed. "Of course I would! I'd love you if you were a – did you say a werewolf?"
"Uh-huh."
"Well, I don't know," she said. "A werewolf? I never really thought about it. Why? Are you thinking of becoming one?"
"Uh…yeah," Harry said. "The lifestyle really appeals to me. I'm just exploring my options right now. You know."
"Oh. Well, of course you know I'd still…like you. And mum would like you no matter what. She even likes Percy."
Harry thought it was the best news he'd heard all month. "Ginny, you're the best friend a guy could ask for," he said. He reached to give her a hug.
"Gotta go," Ginny said, jumping back. She ran away.
Two days later Harry awoke feeling terrible. Today was the day, he could just tell. If he could – just – drag himself down to the Shrieking Shack…he'd die there. That was how horrible he felt. Really, really horrible.
On second thought, if he was going to die, why not play a good joke on somebody? So Harry went down to Snape's office, broke in, and hid under his desk. He figured that once he was dead it would take Snape a few days to find his body, and by then his office would have started to smell bad. If he was lucky, Snape would never be able to get the smell out.
A little farewell present courtesy of Harry Potter.
Unfortunately for Harry, it didn't take Snape that long to find his body. He wasn't even dead yet when Snape found him.
"Potter!" Snape dragged him out from under his desk. "What do you think you're doing in my office? Under my desk?"
"Mmmdyin'…Profsssser…" Harry mumbled, only half conscious. "Mmmma werewuffff…"
"Delirious," Snape muttered. "Idiot."
Harry woke up a while later in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey was fussing around him.
"Aah, Mr. Potter, glad to see you're among the living," she observed.
"Harry!" Ron and Hermione ran to his side, because of course they were always in the hospital wing whenever he was there, just sitting around waiting for him to wake up. Oh yeah, and Ginny was there too.
"You've been out for days, Harry," Ginny said, her lips trembling. Because for some reason in this fic she had been reduced to a quivering pile of jelly.
"Days?" Harry sat up and fumbled for his glasses. "Days?" he demanded as he put them on. "What happened?"
"The next time you're bitten by a werewolf, Mr. Potter, I suggest you tell someone," Madame Pomfrey said.
"Did I turn into a werewolf?" Harry asked eagerly. "Was I vicious? Did I bite people?" He turned to Ginny. "Did I look…hot?"
Hermione dissolved into giggles. "Oh, Harry, don't you ever pay attention in class?"
"You have had a bad case of Werewolf Flu, Mr. Potter," Madame Pomfrey informed him. "If Professor Snape had not discovered you, it's likely you would have died."
"But…when did I turn into a werewolf?" Harry asked. "The full moon must be days past now."
"You're not a werewolf, Harry," Hermione said, still laughing. "Is that why you've been so moody all this time?"
Ginny took his hand. "Oh, my poor Harry…" she said.
"But…but…why not?" he asked with dismay. He had got rather attached to the idea of being a werewolf, now that he thought about it.
"The bite never broke the skin," Hermione said. "If you'd written that essay properly back in third year you'd have known. Mild werewolf bites only result in Werewolf Flu."
Harry got all moody again. "This stinks," he said. "I wanted to be a werewolf and kill all the Slytherins and stink up Snape's office. This isn't fair!"
Remus walked in eating a peanut butter sandwich. "Harry! You're awake! And you're not a werewolf. Isn't that great?"
"My life is ruined," Harry said shortly. "Thanks for nothing."
Remus looked mildly surprised.
"Teenagers," Madame Pomfrey whispered to him with a shrug. "They don't make any sense."
"Tell me about it," Remus said, taking another bite of his sandwich.
Author's Note: Good "bad fanfics" have Harry in the hospital wing at least every other chapter. I am falling sadly below my quota. This is only his second time! I apologize profusely. I'll try to do better. And as far as I know, I'm the inventor of Werewolf Flu. Hope all of you saw that convenient plot contrivance coming before it smacked you up the side of the head. Oh, and by the way, I guess technically it's actually lead that Superman can't see through, not kryptonite, but it's way more exciting for Harry to summon a meteor rather than some boring old lead, don't you think?
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