Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction
BY LARGEMARGE
Author's Note: Thanks again and Happy Christmas to my reviewers and readers!!
Disclaimer: Don't sue me because I don't own anything.
Murder & Mayhem, Same Old Same Old
It was snowing at Hogwarts. Because it's only logical to jump from Halloween to full-blown winter. Harry shuffled along through the snow, thinking depressing thoughts. Since the author had finally realized that he needed some more Voldemort in his life, a dark shadowy figure suddenly appeared before him in the snow. Oh, the pain, the agony! Harry's head felt like it was going to burst open. He fell down in the snow, writhing in agonizing agony…truly, the pain was so terribly painful that –
"Spare me, Potter," Voldemort said darkly. "I just wanted to stop by to let you know that I still hate your guts and I'm planning on destroying you as soon as possible. But right now it's the Christmas season, so I've got to go torture some muggles. Lots and lots of them. And murder and mayhem! All over the place! Bwahahahahahaha!" He broke off into a hacking cough, then cleared his throat. "Ahem. But don't worry, I'll be back."
And with that, Voldemort disappeared.
Harry lay in the snow for a while, until the pain subsided. Then he got up, nearly frantic. He had to do something! He had to warn someone, didn't he? He had to warn those muggles! Of course, Voldemort hadn't said anything about what muggles. Still, Harry made his way to Dumbledore's office, intent on reporting what had happened.
There were voices coming from Dumbledore's office, so of course Harry stopped to listen.
"Just wanted you to know, Albus, Buttercup and I are getting married as soon as possible," Snape was saying. "She wants Valentine's Day, but I'm pushing for Christmas. I want to get started on our family as soon as possible."
Dumbledore seemed surprised. "Married?" he repeated. "But…but…you've only known each other…I don't know, not very long!"
"I know. Isn't it wonderful?" Snape began to hum Some Enchanted Evening.
"These things musn't be rushed into, my boy," Dumbledore said firmly. "You need to meet her parents, speak to her father –" he trailed off.
Harry was devastated. So soon…so soon it had progressed to this point.
"Buttercup wanted a spring wedding, but I'm pushing for Christmas. Like I told her, we need to get started on our family! I can't wait to have twelve little Severuses and Buttercups running around."
"Twelve?" Dumbledore repeated dazedly.
"Yes, twelve. I've always wanted a large family."
"Dare I ask, Severus, where Mr. Potter fits in this little plan?"
Snape turned, a deep frown wrinkling his brow. "Potter? What does he have to do with Buttercup?"
Ha! Snape was jealous. Harry was ridiculously glad. Yeah, so there, Mr. Big-time Potions Professor! I'm competition! He thought to himself.
"I had understood, Severus," Dumbledore said, "That you were finding yourself…ah…somewhat attached to Mr. Potter."
"Stupid Gryffindor," Snape growled. "Stupid bloody Potter thinks he's the king of the school and the hero of the wizarding world. I'd like to see him run over by the Hogwarts Express, all mangled and bleeding and dead. Dead, dead, dead."
Harry was stunned. He'd known for a while that there was no love lost between the potions professor and himself, but he'd never known that Snape's feelings were so…violent.
"Still taking that potion, Severus?" Dumbledore asked mildly. "I think you may need to tone it down a bit."
There was a pause. "I quadrupled the original dose," Snape finally admitted sheepishly. "No point in taking anymore chances, I decided."
Harry didn't want to hear anymore about himself so he rushed into the room. "I saw Voldemort!" he gasped out.
The two men shot to their feet. "Potter, what are you doing here?" Snape growled growlingly.
"Duh! I just said, professor, I saw Voldemort!"
"Don't say the dark lord's name!"
Harry was confused. "Why not?"
Snape shrugged. "Beats me. Just wanted to scare the crap out of you."
Dumbledore came forward. "You saw Voldemort, Harry?"
Snape whirled on him. "And you! I don't want to hear anyone saying that vile, vile name ever, ever again! And I mean it!"
"Severus, you're starting to bug me," Dumbledore said.
Snape shut his mouth.
"Just now, out in the snow! At some arbitrary location, I was just walking along, when – poof!"
"Poof?" Dumbledore repeated. "Are you sure it wasn't – crack?"
"Or pop?" Snape interjected.
"No, it was definitely a poof," Harry concluded.
Dumbledore looked worried. "Well, this is definitely not good."
"Yeah, and he said he was going to kill muggles over the Christmas holiday. Loads of 'em."
Dumbledore began pacing up and down. "Evil, nefarious man! What we need is a plan. That's what we need."
"Yes, a plan," Snape repeated.
The two men turned to Harry. "So what've you got?" Dumbledore asked.
"M-me?" Harry stammered.
"A plan, Harry, quickly!" Dumbledore demanded, snapping his fingers.
"Um…well…shouldn't you call a meeting of the Order or something?"
Dumbledore looked at Snape.
"Well, it'll do," Snape said. He turned back to Harry and waved at the door. "Now get out of here, kid. You're making me sick to my stomach."
Harry was indignant. "What?! I'm not going anywhere until I find out what you're going to do about Voldemort."
Snape rounded on him. "What did I say about that?"
"Er…You-Know-Who," Harry quickly amended.
Snape sneered. "I love doing that."
"No, it's much too dangerous for you to stay, Harry," Dumbledore objected. "I must insist that you return to…whatever it is that you were doing."
"Walking in the snow," supplied Harry.
"Yeah. Go have yourself a nice little stroll through the snow."
"But I'm tired of walking in the snow. It's cold and my feet are kind of wet now and –"
"Just get the heck out of here, will you?" Dumbledore roared at him.
Harry meekly departed.
When he entered the common room, he stopped short. Ron and Hermione were making out in the corner.
"Uh…hey guys," he said a trifle uneasily, trying to act like everything was natural. He'd kind of wanted to talk to them about the whole Voldemort thing.
Ron came up for air. "Oh, hey, Harry. What's up?"
"Uh…" he came closer to them and sat down in a nearby chair. "Well, I was just on this walk in the snow –"
"Oh, that's nice." Ron went back to snogging.
"Yeah, and then Voldemort appeared –"
Hermione's head popped up. "Harry, do we look busy?" she snapped.
Harry couldn't help but feel hurt. "Well…yeah…"
"It's cause we are! Now go away!" she yelled at him.
Uncertainly Harry got to his feet. She couldn't have been serious, could she? Hermione and Ron would never treat him like that –
"Go," Hermione snapped.
Harry left. Betrayed, that's how he felt. First Snape stole Buttercup from him, and now Ron had stolen Hermione.
You've sworn off women forever, he told himself sternly as he walked the halls of Hogwarts aimlessly.
But isn't there a woman out there for me? he asked himself desperately.
Suddenly Harry nearly collided with Ginny.
"Oh, hey Ginny," he said weakly. "What's up?"
Ginny looked miserable. "Oh, nothing…really…"
Suddenly Harry had clasped her in his arms. "Ginny, it's fate. Kismet. We're meant to be together. You know it as well as I do!"
Ginny was stunned. "Yeah, that's what I've been saying all along! You're the one who didn't seem to get it!"
"Well, I get it now," he told her. "Let's walk off into the sunset together."
"Well…okay," she said uncertainly.
Thereafter followed a couple very happy weeks for Harry Potter. But the author couldn't let it last too long, because Harry's euphoria was beginning to wear on her nerves. And so…
A week before the Christmas holiday, Harry was happily practicing quidditch with the Gryffindor team. He was just happily racing along on his little broom, minding his own business, when all of a sudden…his broom ground to a halt. Harry nearly tumbled from it and had to clutch it tightly to avoid rolling off. Confused as to what was going on, he looked around. Down on a corner of the field he could barely make out Dumbledore and beside him a shorter man…
Harry's broom was moving. Down. To the ground. And he wasn't moving it. The rest of the play on the field had stopped and everything had grown strangely silent. It was almost eerie.
As he drew nearer to the ground, the figure beside Dumbledore came into focus. Fudge. His wand was pointed directly at Harry. He could only assume that some sort of spell had stopped his broom and was now lowering him to the ground.
Harry started to get annoyed, because that was what he always did in situations like this. Whatever was going on, Fudge had better have a good explanation.
"What's going on, professor?" he asked Dumbledore once he was close enough to the ground to jump off his broom.
"Don't come any closer, Harry," Dumbledore said, holding up a hand.
Harry stopped, though wondering why.
The rest of the Gryffindor team came running to surround him. And the Slytherin team too, because they were conveniently waiting at the side of the field for any random plot devices that might possibly drop from the sky. Hermione appeared from somewhere.
"Hi, Harry," Draco said.
"Shut up, Malfoy!" several of his teammates silenced him.
"What the – but he's my friend!" Draco protested.
"He is not your friend, Malfoy," Ron sneered.
"Children, children, please," said Fudge, holding up a hand. "Dumbledore, wouldn't it be better to deliver this news privately?" he asked aside.
"What? What is it?" Harry asked. "Something to do with me? I have no secrets to hide from any of these people, Fudge, especially something coming from you."
Harry's disdain seemed to anger Fudge. "Very well, Mr. Potter. I've only come to tell you that you're under arrest for the murder of a whole bunch of minor characters, in addition to the entire muggle city of Houston, Texas and half of Russia."
Harry continued to stare at Fudge, slightly taken aback. "Is this a joke, professor?" he finally asked Dumbledore.
Dumbledore shook his head sorrowfully and could not meet Harry's eyes. "I'm afraid it isn't, Harry," he said firmly.
"Harry! How could you do this?" Hermione shrieked. "We trusted you! The wizarding world trusted you!"
"Hermione! I didn't do it!" Harry jumped in quickly, surprised that his friend would turn on him so quickly. He glanced quickly around the group. Ron refused to meet his eyes and Ginny's lips were trembling and tears were spilling down her cheeks. Even Draco wouldn't look at him.
"Look, I'm innocent, everybody!" he proclaimed. "Besides, why in the world would I want to kill all those people?"
Ron finally met his eyes. "Because you're evil. How could you join Voldemort and I never noticed it? You're no friend of mine, Harry Potter."
Harry desperately looked around the group, frantic to find an ally in somebody, anybody. "Ginny?" he asked anxiously.
"Oh, Harry," she said piteously. "How could you do this to me? We were going to have babies together. Twenty-two fat, healthy babies. And play quidditch together after we'd put them to bed every night. How could you ruin my dream?" She ran off the field, sobbing.
"Headmaster," he appealed. "You must know I couldn't have done this."
Dumbledore gave him a deeply sorrowful look. "Harry, you have shamed the whole wizarding world," he said sadly.
"Harry Potter," Fudge said officially, "You are hereby sentenced to Azkaban for life." He waved his wand and Harry disappeared, leaving the group behind to sob in agony over the boy who had turned out to be, not the savior of the wizarding world, but rather just another common power-hungry killer who had killed a whole bunch of people without anyone ever noticing what he was up to.
"Uh…Fudge," Dumbledore began uncertainly, "shouldn't we have had a trial or something? Some kind of investigation? Heard testimony?"
Fudge snorted. "This is bad fanfiction! What do you expect, a whole trial transcript right here for your reading pleasure? I don't think so!"
Dumbledore nodded. Head hanging in sorrow, he dragged off the field, feeling incredibly sad and sorry about the boy who had betrayed them all.
A/N: Please give me your ideas for bad plotlines to use…they really do give me inspiration! And as always, please review! (Santa knows who reviews and who doesn't.)
