Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction

BY LARGEMARGE

Author's Note: Happy New Year, all! May your 2005 be filled with peace, goodwill, and plenty of Harry Potter. And as always, thanks to those who reviewed! (Larna Mandrea, Phe-chan, and HarryPotterFan3, you know who you are!)

Disclaimer: Guess who doesn't own Harry Potter? (I'll give you a hint. It starts with M and rhymes with "gee.")


The Cameo of Dangerous Harry

After the Order meeting let out, all the members went down to the great hall for coffee and cheese Danish while they waited for Voldemort to arrive. Meanwhile, back in Dumbledore's office, Remus had been left in charge of Harry.

"Better stay up here for a while," Dumbledore advised on his way out the door. "You know how everyone is a little touchy on the subject of –" his voice dropped to a whisper, "the killer." He nodded his head in Harry's direction. "Just don't touch anything. Especially the blue box"

For the first time Harry noticed the glowing blue box on Dumbledore's desk. How had he missed seeing it before? What could possibly be in it? Something evil and dangerous? Money? Or maybe something to eat…it was the perfect size for a cheese wheel, and he was really hungry right now…

As soon as the door closed behind Dumbledore, Remus turned to him."Harry, I know you're out of your mind, but I've just got to tell you something. I'm having such a dilemma here that I just don't know what to do. I'm in love. I know, weird, right? And she loves me! The only problem is Snape."

Dully Harry stared at the ground, pretending not to be listening since he was out of his mind, even though his ears had just perked up. Snape? That must mean –

"I'm madly in love with Professor Hodgepodge, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. And she loves me! Even though I'm a werewolf. She says love crosses all boundaries. But she's engaged to Snape. I know, talk about bad taste, eh? But that was before she met me. Only now she doesn't want to break his heart, so she won't break it off with him."

Harry tried not to feel crushed. He was over Buttercup now, wasn't he? He had Ginny…well, not anymore. He didn't have anyone. Nothing but his anger. And Revenge. All these thoughts of women were distracting him from his true purpose. Harry forced himself to focus on The Revenge and rid his body of the evil lovelorn feelings. Then he went back to listening to Remus, who was still chattering away.

"…and what about when I turn into a werewolf, Harry? Do you think Buttercup's children will run screaming from me, or maybe they'll think it's fun! And we can have a nice lope through the woods or a little tussle out in the meadow. I'll even let them put a muzzle on me if it'll make Buttercup feel better…"

I'd like to put a muzzle on you now, Harry reflected to himself. He went back to not listening, as Remus was not saying anything remotely important.

A few random sprays of sparks went shooting by the window. "Whoa! What the –" Remus ran to the window. "Well, they're a little early is all. Okay. Now you know the plan, Harry." He hit himself in the head. "Look who's talking to the crazy psychopath." He started muttering to himself instead of Harry. "Got to get down to the entrance hall. Leave Harry here. Harry's a killer. It's okay if Death Eaters take him."

Remus ran out the door, and Harry heard it lock behind him.

Immediately he leaped to his feet. Aha! Time for action. But first, the blue box. If there was a cheese wheel in there, it was his. He grabbed the box and tried to pry the lid off, but it was stuck fast. He examined the words written on the top.

"The Thing of Power," he read aloud to himself. "Open only in case of impending apocalypse." Dang…no cheese wheel. Harry threw the box aside before proceeding to rifle through all of Dumbledore's belongings.

In the bottom of the desk, right next to a ukulele, Harry found his confiscated broom and wand. Wow, sure am glad they didn't snap my wand, Harry thought to himself. Wonder why they didn't. Not that he needed his wand…now that he could do wandless magic and all those other impressive things which the author will purposefully be obscure about so that she can whip them out without explanation at any given moment.

Anyway, so then Harry blew out the windows with some spell and jumped on his broom, heading for the quidditch pitch, where he knew the Death Eaters and Voldemort were going to attack. Because that's where the Order members said they would be, and besides, where else would they attack in a good bad fanfic? And Harry made himself invisible, too. And the broom. So nobody could see them.

He was shocked by the sight that greeted him.

Order members were scattered across the field, each in various stages of distress. A few paces from Harry, Mr. Weasley was dragging himself painfully across the ground. Oh no! Not Mr. Weasley! I mean, even though Harry hated him for turning against him along with everyone else…but he was Ron's dad, and he had been rather nice to Harry over the past few years…

After a moment or two of indecision, Harry finally knelt next to him and made himself momentarily visible.

"Mr. Weasley?" Harry whispered. "Are you okay?"

He looked up, obviously near delirium. "Harr…don't…eat…Danish…"

Harry made himself invisible again before anyone could see him.

"…wait…Harry? Must…be…dreaming…Psychopathic killer…gibbering idiot…" Then Mr. Weasley fell over in a faint. Either that or he was dead, but Harry didn't have time to deal with him right then. So he mounted his broom and flew off to take care of important stuff.

Curses! He hadn't expected this. Voldemort had poisoned the Danish supply! How low could the man sink? This was going to throw off the whole plan.

Death Eaters were swarming across the field, heading for the school. Students were in various stages of freaking out and chaos. Harry could hear Hermione's familiar voice spilling out the entrance.

"Everyone to your common rooms! D.A. members, take your places! To your common rooms, I said!"

A Death Eater below him called out, "To Dumbledore's office! Potter is there! And the thing!"

Since he was invisible, Harry threw various curses at the Death Eaters with his Mighty Wandless Magic, laying out most of them. And he was invisible, so no one could hit him. Nice, eh?

Then a terribly awful pain hit him in the head and he went soaring to the ground. He couldn't hold onto his broom…he was going to faint…no, he was just going to crash into the ground…really, REALLY hard…Well, whatever happened, it was going to hurt.

Harry crashed into the ground and from somewhere heard an evil cackle. Voldemort had arrived.

"What's going on here?!" Voldemort roared.

Harry pushed his invisible self up weakly. Then fell over again. Oh no! He had broken, like, every important bone in his…

Author is debating what bones to break. Maybe the arm? Or leg. Ribs? Coccyx?

...every important bone in his…hand! The one he performed wandless magic with! Now where had he left that wand? He was going to need it if he was going to finish with his plan here. Harry searched frantically about his person (with his good hand).

Meanwhile, Hagrid came lumbering out onto the field. "No, don't 'urt the Order, Tom, whatever you do! They 'aven't done anythin'…" he trailed off as he noticed that all the hurting that could be done to the Order was mostly already finished.

"Uh…sorry. Bit behind the game, I guess," he finally muttered sheepishly.

Moments later Remus came running out onto the field, wand out. "No, don't hurt Hagrid!" he yelled. "And no matter what you do to me, Voldemort, I won't tell you that Harry's in Dumbledore's office…" He broke off as he noticed the devastation on the field. "W-what happened?" He looked around. "This isn't how it was supposed to go." He nudged Hagrid. "Did you know about this? Last minute change of plans or something?"

"No, I din' know nothin'," Hagrid said. "Jes' as surprised as you are."

"But what about –" Remus began, and was interrupted.

"Take a look around!" Voldemort roared. "Your precious Order has fallen to its knees!"

Remus and Hagrid took a look around and saw that that was, indeed, literally the case. All of the Order members were out for the count.

"Oops. My bad." Remus backed up a little. "We're gonna need a minute here to regroup. See, we didn't know about any of this until just a minute ago." He backed up a little bit more and tugged on Hagrid's arm to follow.

Harry, meanwhile, was still searching frantically for his wand. He must have dropped it! He got to his feet and began hunting up and down for it. Where had he lost it?

"Freeze!" Voldemort ordered the two. "You're not going anywhere, you werewolf. The giant either."

"But –" Remus protested. "Not even to the loo? I've really gotta go –"

Suddenly a loud kafuffle sounded from the entrance. Four Death Eaters emerged onto the pitch, dragging a bunch of familiar students. Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny, Luna, and a bunch of other D.A. members that the author doesn't really want to list out by name. Strong Death Eaters, these were.

"Wormtail!" Voldemort roared. "What's going on here? Who is responsible for this?" He waved his hand in a sweeping gesture that took in all of his downed Death Eaters.

Wormtail looked around with surprise. "That's not the only thing not going according to plan, master. Potter wasn't in Dumbledore's office. And the windows were all blown out and stuff!"

Another Death Eater next to him spoke up. "But I got the thing!" he said triumphantly, holding up the glowing blue box.

Harry, at that moment, tripped over his wand, falling to the ground. He triumphantly picked it up before turning back to the gathered group. Aha! That glowing blue box thingy was important to Voldemort, eh? Well, in that case –

"Accio Thing of Power!" Harry yelled. The box flew out of the Death Eater's hands. The moment Harry intercepted it he was back on his broom, flying through the air and making the blue box invisible too so no one could see it.

"The thing! Get the thing!" Voldemort was screaming.

But no one knew where it had gone, so for a while the Death Eaters threw random curses around, hitting unimportant characters. Harry, however, being the amazing all-powerful wizard that he now was, wasted no time in stupefying all the Death Eaters and taking their wands. The only D.A. members still conscious, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny, were clapping and cheering, while Hagrid and Remus merely looked confused. Voldemort, meanwhile, was very put out.

"This isn't fair!" he was screaming. "I outsmarted you! I'm winning!"

Suddenly Dumbledore was there, walking calmly onto the pitch from some undisclosed location. "I don't think so, Tom." He was very composed. "I think it's fairly apparent that you're losing. You see, even without Harry Potter we've managed to outsmart you yet again."

"Yeah!" Hermione yelled angrily, even though Ron and Ginny tried to shut her up. "You may have turned Harry to your side, but the rest of us are still willing to fight! You big…slimy…evil wizard!"

Ron finally succeeded in getting his hand over her mouth.

Voldemort was smiling nastily now. "Ha! That's what you all think. Harry Potter wasn't even guilty. I set him up!"

"You?" said Dumbledore with disbelief. "But how in the world could you have done that?"

"Because I'm an evil dark wizard and you're not! Ha! Fooled you all!" Voldemort crowed. "And now you locked him away and he's become a complete gibbering idiot! It doesn't get any better than this!"

Everyone hung their heads in shame. How in the world could they have been taken in so easily by Voldemort's trick? How could they have believed Harry guilty so readily?

Ginny burst into tears, her thoughts again dwelling on her twenty-two fat babies. Maybe, just maybe, it was still possible…but Harry was just a gibbering idiot now. He could never love her again…

"Ha! I bask in my genius!" Voldemort proclaimed. "Now you'll all die, and I'll take over the world and rule in evil FOREVER! Bwahahahahha!"

"Not today, Voldemort," a steady, dangerous, and oh-so-steely voice spoke from behind him.

"Eh?" Voldemort turned.

Everyone gaped in astonishment. It was…Harry. But not the old Harry. Oh, no. This was a changed Harry. This was…dangerous Harry. (Blaring trumpets sounded and a heavenly light shone down on Harry's head.)

"Potter?" Voldemort asked in astonishment. "But…why aren't you gibbering like an idiot?"

"It was all an act," Harry explained coldly. "I fooled you, and now for ruining my Christmas holiday, you're going to die."

"Curse you, Harry Potter!" Voldemort raged. "Well, I'm still going to defeat you. And now you've made me angry. Prepare to see all your friends suffer!" He whipped around and soon had Hagrid, Remus, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione under the cruciatus.

Harry was unmoved. "Spare me the theatrics," he yawned. "Really, I couldn't care less if you killed them all," he spoke loudly over their screams of pain and anguish. "Those traitors betrayed me."

"Rats!" Voldemort ended the torture and the five collapsed to the ground.

"Harry! Harry, please! I appeal to you!" Dumbledore spoke up. "I apologize for believing you to be guilty. But really, the evidence was so compelling! What was I to think?"

"Kill him first," Harry growled to Voldemort, indicating his head in Dumbledore's direction. "And make it painful."

"Harry, don't!" an hysterical female voice whimpered from the ground. "Don't do this. Remember…our twenty-two fat babies…please, Harry…"

Against his will Harry looked back at Ginny, all collapsed on the ground. Even after the cruciatus, she still looked like a supermodel…even if she had betrayed him…

"Oh, fine," he said shortly, turning back to Voldemort. "I guess…don't kill him after all. I was only kidding anyway. Bad mood from Azkaban, you know."

"So what now, Potter?" Voldemort asked, keeping a careful eye on Harry's movements.

"Stupefy!" Harry shouted unexpectedly.

Only Voldemort had been expecting it, and returned a curse of his own. "Crucio!"

Harry ducked. "Expelliarmus!"

Voldemort twisted out of the way. "Avada Kedavra!"

Harry rolled out of the spell's path. "Petrificus Totalus!"

Voldemort ducked.

They exchanged curses for a few minutes, each managing to evade any damage. Unlikely, true, but hey, this is fanfiction. And bad fanfiction, at that.

After a while Voldemort seemed to tire of the exchange and shrieked, "This isn't over, Harry Potter! We'll meet again, and I'll destroy you once and for all!"

And with that, he disappeared.

Harry slowly lifted himself from his crouched position. With his good hand. Well, Voldemort had got away again. Curse him. Suddenly Harry became aware that all eyes were on him. His burning, angry, fiery rage came boiling back to the surface again. All these people had betrayed him…had delivered him to the torments of Azkaban and the dementors. All these people who knew the terrible pain and agony that the mere mention of a dementor put him through…he hated them…passionately…he would never, ever forgive them. Ever ever ever ever ever.

He just couldn't deal with his anger and the myriad emotions pulsing through his veins, not with all these eyes on him…so, since Harry had learned to apparate, among other things, while he was just hanging out in Azkaban with nothing better to do, with a loud crack he apparated away.

Only about a hundred feet or so, actually, just behind a large tree where he could hide and listen to what everybody was saying about him.

"Harry! Harry, come back!" Ginny sobbed as though her heart would break.

"He was innocent!" Hermione screeched. She ran at Dumbledore and pummeled him with her fists. "All along I said he was innocent! And you wouldn't believe me! This is all your fault!"

"What are you on about, Hermione?" Ron asked. "You thought he was just as guilty as the rest of us."

"Oh." Hermione looked confused.

"I can't believe it." Remus seemed to have gone numb. "I swore this would never happen again! After poor Sirius, we delivered another innocent person to the hands of the dementors! And he was just a boy! Oh, the agony! I'll never forgive myself, never, never, never. What terribly excruciating agony he must have gone through…"

"Poor 'arry," Hagrid mumbled, tears coursing down his cheeks. He wiped at his face with the back of his hand.

"He learned to apparate too," Dumbeldore observed. "Wonderfully resourceful boy."

Harry felt a small surge of pride. He almost wanted to transform into his animagus form and trot about as a donkey just to show them what else he had learned to do. But he didn't.

Instead he suddenly realized how exhausted he was and how his crushed hand was throbbing and throbbing…painfully…just awfully excruciating, the pain was. Plus he was really, really hungry and he was probably going to faint at any moment…

So Harry took two steps and promptly keeled over at Dumbledore's feet, who had already discovered his hiding place anyway. So much for being Dangerous Harry, Man of Mystery. But Dangerous Harry will be back in the next chapter, he vowed to himself. Then he slipped into unconsciousness.


Author's Note: I must apologize for Hagrid. Just don't know how to make him talk! But then again, this is supposed to be bad fanfiction, so I guess it's all good anyway. Oh, and just so you all know, I'm trying to do better with Harry's hospital wing quota. At least I know he'll definitely be there next time…

Please review and make my life worth living. Not that I'm going to go kill myself or anything.

And as always, please give me your ideas!!