Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction

BY LARGEMARGE

Author's Note: My fic has been Niffled over at Fictionalley! Cool, huh! Thanks to Myluckystars, who was kind enough to do the honors. Okay, so I didn't know what it meant to be niffled beforehand, but hey, cool! I'm honored.

A million thanks to everyone who reviewed and those who gave me their ideas. I do find hints for what you want to happen very helpful when I'm experiencing writer's block. And to those who have been picking up on the Princess Bride references, yes, I love Princess Bride!

Sorry it's been so long between updates and FYI, to any new readers, I do update once a week around the weekend as a rule, and more often if I'm feeling a storyline and actually have some time to write.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I'm not even making any money off of this. I know, stinks, doesn't it. But at least I'm having fun. Oh, and don't sue me.


Chico from Rancho Cucamonga

Harry rolled over and opened his eyes. He was staring at a ten-foot wall of flowers. A blurry ten-foot wall of flowers.

"…you mean Harry's still asleep?" someone nearby was asking.

"Yes, Miss Granger, he's still asleep," Madame Pomfrey's annoyed voice floated back toward Harry. "And this is the seventeenth time you and your friends have been here this morning! Nothing's changed. Now get out and don't come back again today!"

Harry could hear Hermione muttering to herself as she left.

"Get those kids out of here, Poppy! They're driving me crazy! The next kid who comes in asking after Potter gets cursed into next July!"

Harry jumped at the close proximity of the voice, which could have been coming from the next bed over. But he couldn't really tell, because of all the flowers.

"Now, Severus, calm yourself. You're only going to make your condition worse."

"What condition? I don't have a condition! I've been here a whole week now, and I feel perfectly fine! In fact, I think I'm ready to take over my classes again. I'll just go down and prepare…"

There was the sound of a minor struggle and eventually Madame Pomfrey must have won, because a moment later Snape was speaking again, sounding winded.

"You'll regret this, Poppy. You really, really will." He was breathing heavily.

"Severus, you were wounded badly by those Death Eaters, and you know you're not up to anything. Why must you insist on being so difficult?" she asked him.

"But my potion, Poppy, you don't understand…" he groaned.

"What's this potion you keep going on about? You know very well you're much too ill to be taking any non-essential potions right now."

"But you don't understand…the consequences could be devastating…"

Harry had been laying in bed working on the problem of what he was doing in the hospital wing. He couldn't really remember. Although he did remember this colossally awful bad dream where all his friends had betrayed him and he got sent to Azkaban, and over the Christmas holiday, no less…

Wait a minute! That was no dream.

Harry sat up, his fury returning. They'd all betrayed him…and now…they'd pay.

Dangerous Harry was back, all right.

Snape was moaning and muttering things under his breath. His patience gone, Harry knocked over some flower arrangements to get a look at him.

"Quit your sniveling," he said coldly.

Snape jumped. "Oh, Potter. You're awake." He turned away. "I'm…extremely tired. I'll just have a little nap now." He rolled onto his side so that his back was to Harry.

For a moment Harry observed him coldly, then turned to Madame Pomfrey, who had come over to bustle around him.

"Well, Mr. Potter. Happy to see you're awake at last. Some of us had despaired of your ever waking."

Harry folded his arms. "Yeah, fascinating. I really need to –"

She pried one of his hands loose and began examining it. "Now, how does that feel?"

He pulled away. "Just fine. Now I'd like to leave, if you don't mind."

She tut-tutted. "Oh, I'm afraid not, Mr. Potter. You're still recovering from…" she lowered her voice before continuing, "…Azkaban. I think you'd do better to stay at least another day, if not more."

Harry frowned. "I think not. I'm leaving now. I've got very important things to do."

"More important than recovering?" she inquired doubtfully. "Besides, the headmaster asked to be alerted the moment you awake. He wants to speak to you."

"Really. How delightful," Harry said sarcastically. "I'll just go up and meet him in his office then."

Madame Pomfrey didn't try to force him to stay, as she had Snape, so she must have just been bluffing. Either that or she was frightened away by the dangerously dangerous glint of anger in Harry's eyes.

Of course Harry changed his clothes before departing the hospital wing. He didn't go out in his nightie or anything.

But once he'd changed his clothes, he shoved his way out of the flower arrangements and stalked out of the place, a steely glint of anger in his eyes.


There was a cluster of students blocking the door of the hospital wing.

"I'm not going in there again," Hermione's voice stated flatly. "The way Madame Pomfrey yelled at me – no, Ron! If you want to know, you go in there yourself!"

"Excuse me," Harry said impatiently, pushing his way through the group.

"What – Harry!" a chorus of joyous voices sounded.

Harry, in Dangerous/Angry mode, did not respond, but continued his angry stalking down the hall.

The group of students hurried to keep up with him. "Harry! I know you're mad, but if you'll just listen –" Hermione said breathlessly on one side of him.

"Yeah, mate, it was all just an innocent mistake!" Ron piped up on his other side. Harry stopped and turned to Ron, who looked slightly frightened.

"Demise of the Darkest Wizards Ever?" Harry asked coldly.

"Oh, that…that was just a joke…didn't you get it, Harry?" Ron laughed weakly.

"I'd really like to talk to you, Harry," Ginny interrupted, pushing Ron out of the way and sidling up next to him. "Alone."

Harry gave her an unfriendly glance. "You're a bunch of stinky traitors, and I promise you, if it's the last thing I ever do…you'll pay." He stalked away from the group but, once again, could hear them hurrying after him. So he turned himself invisible. Then no one could see him. Ha! So there, you traitors! He thought to himself.

"Where'd he go? He was just here…we've got to track him down! Let's split up!"

So Harry continued his walk to Dumbledore's office at a leisurely pace, free from pesky apologizing traitorous friends.


"Harry, come in, come in!" Dumbledore welcomed him when Harry pushed open the door to his office. But Harry just stood there, giving him a stony glance.

"What do you want, Dumbledore?" he asked in a decidedly unfriendly tone.

"Do have a seat, Harry," Dumbledore invited him. "I bet you're angry, but that's only to be expected."

"Angry?" Involuntarily Harry stepped further into the room and the door swung closed behind him. "Angry?"

Dumbledore waved his hand and a chair rushed up behind Harry and forced him to sit down.

"All right. Fine. So I'm sitting down. What now?" Harry asked coldly.

"You must allow me to apologize, Harry. I'm really sorry about the whole Azkaban thing…I imagine it was quite unpleasant."

"Unpleasant?" Harry echoed. "It was the most awfully terrible thing –" he broke off.

"That's it, Harry. Just let it out," Dumbledore said in a soothing voice.

Harry closed his mouth and thought angry thoughts. That's it. Don't get distracted, he told himself. "I'll never forgive you, Dumbledore," he said coldly.

"But Harry, I'm really, really, really sorry."

"You can add as many reallys as you want," Harry said shortly. "I still won't forgive you."

Dumbledore sighed deeply. "Very well. It brings me a lot of sorrow to see you so angry, Harry. But maybe as you get back into your classes and quidditch and things here, you'll find it easier to forgive."

"I doubt it," Harry said, "Seeing how as soon as I leave your office I'm leaving Hogwarts for good."

"Harry, no!" Dumbledore jumped to his feet. "You can't be serious! What about Voldemort? This is one of the few places you can really be safe from him!"

"Safe from Voldemort? Oh yeah, you'd have trouble proving that in a court of law. And who's going to keep me safe from my so-called friends? Yeah, I think I'll be much safer far away from here."

"But…isn't there anything I can say to persuade you?" Dumbledore asked.

"Not really, no."

Dumbledore shrugged. "Well, you can't fault me for trying." He sat down again. "So what're you gonna do?"

"I'm going to London and become an actor. I've always rather fancied the role of Marius in Les Miserables."

"Who?" Dumbledore asked blankly.

Harry's face darkened again. "Never mind. I'll just be going now."

Dumbledore held up a hand. "Before you go, there's just one more item of business. The Thing of Power. What have you done with it?"

Pausing at the door, Harry turned. "Just what is this…Thing of Power?" he asked casually.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Harry," Dumbledore responded. "It's much too dangerous and dark a secret."

Harry shrugged. "I gotta go." He headed out the door.

"Wait, Harry!" Dumbledore ran after him.

But when Harry didn't want to be found, he couldn't be. And he was already gone.


On his way off of school grounds, Harry ran into Remus. Literally. They both staggered back and Harry dropped his suitcase, which fell open.

"Harry!" Remus recovered his balance. "You're out of the hospital wing!" He tried to give Harry a hug, who sidestepped him.

"Kindly keep your distance, werewolf," he said coldly.

"But Harry, don't you – oh, I get it. You're still mad because of the whole Azkaban thing."

"Good guess."

Remus noticed the spilled suitcase on the ground. "Say, what's all this for?"

"I'm afraid I don't have time to chat right now. Maybe some other time." Harry waved his wand and the contents of the suitcase sprang together and righted themselves.

"But where're you – oh, are you running away?"

"I'm not running away," Harry said icily.

"Then what're you doing?"

"None of your business." He grabbed the suitcase and began to walk away. Remus fell into step beside him.

"So where're you going? Privet Drive?"

Harry snorted. "No, not Privet Drive."

"Then where?"

Harry stopped short and folded his arms. "If you must know, I'm going to London and pursue an acting career."

Remus broke into gales of laughter. "Oh good one, Harry! Good one!" Eventually his laughter wound down and he wiped at his eyes.

Harry eyed him angrily.

"What – oh, were you serious?"

"Gotta go." Harry moved past him.

"Oh, come on, Harry! You can't just leave! Just like that? Just because we all believed you were a psychopathic killer?"

Harry kept walking.

"We're all really sorry, Harry. Really, really a lot."

"I don't care," Harry said, whipping around. "I'm still leaving, and I'm not coming back. You can apologize all you want, I'm never forgiving you. And I've been channeling Sirius, and he says he'll never forgive you either. So there." He turned and stalked away.

"Come off it, Harry!" Remus called after him. "You can't just – you're going to feel really stupid about this in two weeks when you show up here again!"

With a pop, Harry was gone.


He spent the better part of the day wandering around London. Not looking for acting work, though. Oh, no. It was time to put his Revenge in motion. They'd be sorry…they'd all be sorry…

Anyway, so Harry collected some contact lenses and makeup and a bunch of other stuff before apparating back to an abandoned wood hut in an arbitrary location somewhere in the Forbidden Forest. Where he began to put his plan into action.


The next morning an unfamiliar student walked into the Great Hall. No one really paid attention as he approached the Gryffindor table and took a seat near Neville and Seamus.

Neville looked up. "Hey, who're you?"

The unfamiliar student cleared his throat loudly before speaking in a very deep voice. "I'm a new Gryffindor. Transfer student from…Hippohorns School of Wizardry." His large floppy brown mustache fluttered and flapped against his face as he spoke.

"Hippohorns?" Neville echoed blankly. "Never heard of it."

The unfamiliar student – oh, okay, it's Harry, all right? Anyway, so Harry cleared his throat again before continuing, "Oh, it's a very elite school. In…" he wracked his brain, "Rancho Cucamonga."

Neville looked impressed.

"Wow!" Seamus, who had been sitting silently next to Neville up to this point, suddenly sat forward. "That's in Africa, isn't it?"

"Uh…yeah," said Harry, who wasn't really sure himself.

"And you're a sixth year?" Neville asked excitedly.

"Why, yes, I am," Harry said.

"That means you'll be rooming with us!" Neville continued.

"What an extraordinary coincidence!" Harry exclaimed.

"Yeah, got an extra bed anyway since Harry went off to become an actor," Seamus added.

As luck would have it, Hermione and Ron were coming in at that moment and overheard the statement.

"Can we not talk about Harry today?" Ron asked in a perturbed voice as he took a seat next to Harry. "I can't handle it."

Hermione teared up.

Harry spoke up, trying to sound casual. "You wouldn't by any chance be speaking of the famous Harry Potter, would you? I've seen pictures of him in The Daily Prophet. What an incredibly handsome and charismatic boy…real shame, that whole Azkaban thing."

Ron and Hermione looked really guilty. Then they both seemed to notice the stranger at their table for the first time.

"And you are?" Ron asked, his voice faintly tinged with dislike.

"Chico," Harry said in a deep manly voice. "Chico Rodriguez."

"From Africa," Neville added, for Ron and Hermione's benefit. "He'll be taking Harry's bed."

"But…but what if Harry comes back?" Hermione asked, her voice trembling.

Ron gave them all a warning look to shut up about Harry already and turned back to "Chico." "Yeah, nice to meet you, Taco," he said with distaste.


The next morning as Ron puttered into the bathroom, half awake, he suddenly gave a start of surprise. There, written on the mirror in slimy red blood were the words, "I'll get you, traitor! Signed, Harry Potter."

Meanwhile, Ginny was awakened by a frantic and mostly incoherent Hermione. "Bathroom…Harry…revenge…" she gasped out.

Ginny sat up. "Harry's taken revenge on the bathroom?" she asked.

Hermione dragged her out of bed. "Oh, come with me."

In the girls bathroom, smeared across the wall in the same red blood were the words, "Prepare to meet your doom, Granger and Weasley! Revenge will be mine!" It also was signed by Harry.

Similar messages threatening various people appeared in assorted bathrooms throughout the school. Plus one appeared on Remus's bathroom mirror, but he was off somewhere recovering from being a werewolf, so he didn't see it until a couple days later.

Dumbledore held an emergency meeting before breakfast in the Great Hall that morning and urged everyone to continue with their classes as usual. "It is clearly the work of a prankster, and I assure you that everything is being done to apprehend whoever is behind this mischief," he told the worried students, many of whom did not seem convinced. "It's really not Harry Potter. Really. Well, probably not." Then he sat down to eat his breakfast.

"Wow," Disguised Harry said as soon as Dumbledore sat down. "Do you really think it's just a prankster?" His mustache was a little lopsided, but nobody seemed to notice.

"That's what Dumbledore said," Ron told him forcefully. "We don't question Dumbledore here, mate."

"But are you sure it wasn't just your old pal Harry warning you that he's going to seek revenge on you for betraying his friendship?" Disguised Harry asked casually.

Hermione leaned forward. "I think Rico may be right," she said gravely.

"Actually, it's Chico," he inserted.

"Oh, sorry. But you all remember how angry Harry was. And how he threatened revenge on us all. I think he's really trying to do it."

"But do what?" Ginny asked, her eyes wide and horrified.

"Off you?" Disguised Harry suggested.

Hermione and Ginny looked nervous.

"Of course not!" Ron spoke up. "Harry would never do anything like that."

"But he's been in Azkaban," Hermione said in a low voice. "Who's to say what he'll do now? He could really have been driven mad!"

There was an uneasy silence throughout the rest of the meal.


Late that night, the silence in Gryffindor Tower was pierced by a long, loud scream. Concerned students clustered around the doorway of the fifth year girls. And the boys were there too, even though they supposedly couldn't get up to the girl's rooms. Because that's the way the author wanted it.

"Ginny!" Ron ran to her bedside. She was shivering and cowering into Hermione's arms. "What's wrong?"

"I…I saw…oh, it's terrible!" she sobbed into Hermione's shoulder.

"What? What did you see? What is it?" Ron asked frantically.

"I saw…Harry! Standing over my bed! Dressed like the grim reaper…he said he'd come to get me!" She sobbed some more.

Ron stopped his agitated pacing. "Oh, it was just a dream? I thought you were being attacked or something. Oh well. Back to bed, everybody."

The unimportant characters filed out of the room.

"It wasn't a dream, Ron!" Ginny sobbed. "It was real! He was standing over me!"

Ron knelt down next to her. "Well, it really couldn't have been anything but a dream, Ginny, because Harry's in London acting. Everybody knows that."

Suddenly Disguised Harry ran into the room. "Hey everyone! You'll never guess who I just saw down in the common room! Harry Potter! Friendly chap, and so good looking, too…but he seemed awfully upset about something…"

Hermione jumped up. "Are you certain, Paco?"

"Actually, it's Chico. And of course I'm certain…I'd recognize that handsome face anywhere."

"Where'd he go?" Ron demanded.

"Oh, he…flew out the window on a broom," Disguised Harry responded. "But he said something about coming back later. And I can't be sure, but I think he said something about making all those traitors pay…"

"We're all going to die!" Ginny shrieked hysterically.

Hermione and Ron exchanged a worried look. "Look, calm down, Ginny," Ron commanded. "You're probably overreacting. I'm sure Harry wouldn't really try to kill us."

But no one seemed really convinced.


The next morning there was a banner strung across the Gryffindor common room that read, "You die at midnight, traitors! And don't bother hiding. I'll find you!"

The entire school was in chaos. Everyone knew about the death threat, because corresponding banners had been hung up at random locations around the school. There was another emergency pre-breakfast meeting.

"Okay, so maybe I was wrong about this not being Harry Potter," Dumbledore told the assembled student body. "There is a slight possibility that Potter has lost his mind and is really trying to do us all in."

Pandemonium erupted.

Dumbledore held up a hand for silence. "Please, please, hear me out! I assure you that no one's really going to die, though, if you'll just do as I say. Here's my brilliant plan. We'll call in some aurors and lock ourselves in the Great Hall for the rest of the day."

Well, it wasn't much, but it was a plan. Dumbledore went out to make the arrangements, and the students settled in for a tedious wait.


It was a long and boring day. Ron and Hermione fought a lot, Ginny cried a lot, and Draco insulted lots of people. Stress caused him to fall back into his insulting ways. He was pretty sure Harry was going to kill him first, if he got the chance.

As the time drew on toward midnight, Disguised Harry tried to carry on small talk with those around him.

"So, are you nervous?" he asked Ron.

Ron gave him an unfriendly look. "No, I'm not nervous. And what's it to you, anyway?"

Hermione put a hand on his arm. "Leave Keko alone, Ron. He only asked a question."

"Actually, it's Chico," Disguised Harry said. "And it's okay. I'd be nervous too if I was Harry's best friend and I betrayed him. Do you think he'll go for you first?"

Ron shivered nervously and turned away.

Ginny burst into tears. Again.

And the clock struck eleven.


At quarter to midnight, there was a loud pounding on the doors. Everyone started freaking out all over again until Dumbledore finally went to see who it was. Remus pushed his way into the room.

"Hey, I just got home and there's this weird banner across my living room that says Harry wants to kill me," he said. "What's going on?"

"Remus, you'd better sit down," Dumbledore advised him, before filling him in.

And then the clock struck midnight.

There was a brilliant poof of smoke in the middle of the room which everyone automatically jumped away from. Girls started shrieking and running for the corners of the room. So did Draco and Ron.

After a minute or two, all the important characters went to investigate the smoke.

"Well, there's nothing there," Remus said. "I wonder what that was."

Suddenly there was a burst of maniacal laughter behind them. "Bwahahahahaha!"

Everyone whirled around to face…Chico?

"Frog in your throat, Chachi?" Hermione asked kindly.

Harry ripped off his mustache. "It's not Chachi…I mean Chico, it's…Harry!"

Everyone screamed and cowered, except for Dumbledore, who decided to try to talk some sense into Harry.

"Harry, be sensible! No matter what we may have done to you –"

Harry waved his hand and knocked Dumbledore over with his Mighty Wandless Magic.

"You mean all this time it was you – you were Paco – Taco – you were the kid with the mustache?" Hermione cried, a note of betrayal in her voice.

Harry laughed again, but this time less maniacally. "That's right! Oh boy, this is great. I've scared the crap out of all of you." He rubbed his hands together with delight. "I'd say I've achieved my revenge."

Ron lowered his arm from in front of his face. "You mean…this is your revenge? You weren't going to kill anyone?"

Harry snorted. "Of course not! I'm not a maniac, after all."

People started to get up off the ground.

"Oh, Harry, I'm so glad!" Ginny said, running toward him with the intent of throwing her arms around him.

Suddenly twenty or so aurors ran into the room and zapped Harry with about a hundred curses. He crumpled to the ground.

And Harry ended the chapter the same way he began it. Flat on his back, unconscious in the hospital wing. Oh, and surrounded by flowers and one bed over from Snape.


Author's Note: D'you get the sense we're not getting anywhere here? Now we're right back where we started! Well, except Harry's thirst for revenge has been satisfied. What a relief that is. Now be a pal and review!