Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter
Chapter two: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller
They're back
My plan is nearly complete, all the brats are eating in the Great Hall and I am stood outside waiting for Potter and Weasley to appear. It won't be the grand entrance that they expected. It is freezing out here, and I'm hungry. At least I had the sense to bring out my coffee cup with me. I didn't want marshmallows but I did want sprinkles, so I had to fish all the marshmallows out.
Potter and Weasley have run over the Whomping WillowOr rather, they have run into it and now the Willow is screaming bloody murder. Stupid thing, they never should have planted it. The feast has started as well, them two had better hurry up. They're coming; I think I will hide in the shadows.
"The feast has already started. Hey Harry, come and look, it's the Sorting!" Yes, and I am currently missing scaring lots of new brats for you two.
"Hang on… There's an empty chair at the staff table… Where's Snape?" That's Professor Snape to you, and I am stood right behind you.
"Maybe he's ill!" I am never ill Weasley, and even if I was I would drag myself form my deathbed to shout at you.
"Maybe he's left, because he missed out on the Defence Against the Dark Arts job again." No, I am sticking around so that I can annoy canary boy and so I can still teach mindless pillocks like you how to make potions.
"Or he might have been sacked, I mean everyone hates him…" Time for my big entrance I think.
"Or maybe he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train." Go Severus! Go Severus! Smug smile in place, slight breeze rippling through cloak, the moonlight reflecting off my eyes that are glinting dangerously. God I'm good.
"Follow me." I feel like a mad axe man, taking his victims into the woods to be executed. Hahahahaha Ahahahahaha! Ooo, good evil laugh.
I think the dungeons will be the best place, away from the warmth and happiness of the Great Hall.
"In!" They have broken thousands of school rules, they will be expelled and if they aren't, I will burn McGonagall's tea cosy.
"So, the train isn't good enough for Potter and his faithful sidekick Weasley. Wanted to arrive with a bang did we boys?" Well you certainly arrived with a bang, pity I was the only one to see it. You will certainly get more attention then you could ever have imagined when you get kicked out of Hogwarts. I can see the headlines now:
'Potions Professor upholds School's honour.'
'Potty Potter and sidekick Weasley thrown out because of flying car.'
'Potter booked into a mental institution for thinking he is important!'
'Potter who? Potter nobody!'
'Potter sent to Azkaban for attacking Potions Teacher'
'Severus Snape asked to be Minister of Magic!'
Okay, maybe the last one is a bit eccentric, but I like beingeccentric.
"It was the barrier at King's Cross. It wouldn't…" Likely story.
"Silence! You were seen." If I could find the copy of the Daily Prophet it would help. Ah, here it is.
"You were seen!" Flying car mystifies Muggles. Whack Potter across the head with Daily Prophet, better not, McGonagall might have a go at me for that.
"From my search of the grounds, I can see that considerable damage has been done to the Whomping Willow." It's probably done more damage to them, serves them right.
"That tree did more damage to us then we…" Do I look like someone who is cared Weasley?
"Silence! Unfortunately you are not in my house and the power to expel you does not rest with me. I will go and fetch the people that do have that happy power." I will just have to pray that McGonagall will expel them. If Potter were in my house, I would have expelled him before he set foot through the main gate.
Yay! McGonagall is furious!She is even more annoying when she is angry because she keeps snapping at me, but I don't care! They are going to get expelled! It is absolutely certain. Even Dumbledore can't excuse them from flying an enchanted car and letting Muggles see. Potter and Weasley are explaining how they couldn't get through the barrier and therefore nicked a car. Why a random car that could fly was parked at King's Cross Station I don't know, but as long as they get expelled I don't care. Wait a minute, someone's knocking on the door.
It's Dumbledore!Yes! All my Christmases have come at once! And he isn't smiling or cracking jokes and he is emphasising every other word! They're in for it now!
"PLEASE explain WHY you DID this."
Potter came out with the same story that he had told McGonagall and Dumbledore just sat and looked at him. I would at least have shouted at him by now.
"We'll go and get our stuff." Yes, you had better Weasley; I can use your bed as a garbage tip.
"What are you talking about, Weasley?" McGonagall doesn't understand, stupid girl. I could never understand how she became a teacher.
"Well, you're expelling us, aren't you?" YES! YES! YES!
"Not TODAY, Mr Weasley." WHAT! OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS! WHY ME? I'LL KILL THEM! ARRRGGGHHH! He is so annoying, stupid Dumbledore with his stupid half-moon glasses, stupid twinkling eyes and stupid smile. Stop emphasising your stupid words you stupid man!
"Sir! These…boys… have broken a number of rules, not to mention underage wizardry, damage to a very valuable tree, surely acts of this nature…" You can't possibly let them off!
"It will be for Professor MCGONAGALL to decide on THESE boys' punishments, Severus. They ARE in her house and are THEREFORE her responsibility. I MUST go Minerva; I have to give OUT some notices during the feast. COME, Severus, there is a delicious custard TART that I wish to sample." What? And you need my help to find your gob through all that hair? I am on the verge of a breakdown and all you can think about is a bloody custard tart!
I hate school
Potter and Weasley are sat at the Gryffindor table, beaming and laughing with their 'friends.' Post is coming, why are there fifty million birds flying towards the staff table? Take cover!
You will never guess who all the owls were for… Canary boy! Apparently all his 'fans' have to keep in touch with him. Well la dee da. I have never had a fan and I manage just fine. I'm sure the rest of the world would manage if you got run over by a rouge unicorn. Accidentally, of course.
Wait, Weasley has got a red envelope that looks suspiciously like a Howler. It is! Ronald is getting screamed at by his mother! I could hug someone! Okay, maybe that's taking it a bit too far. It's not that exciting. And I don't know what I could catch off the other teachers.
I hate teachingBloody kids. I have just had first years catapulting frog's eyeballs all over my nice dungeon. Filch will have to clean it up and he won't be happy about that. At least I got to take away seventy points in total and give out three detentions. Heading to the staff room seen as I have a free lesson. Why is Canary Boy prancing out of the main doors with loads of bandages? Ha! He's telling Sprout how to care for the Whomping Willow. He's going to get a clonk over the head with a shovel if he's not careful. I've been on the receiving end of Sprout's anger before, and I have the scar to prove it. I need some coffee.
In staff roomIt seems that McGonagall also has a lesson free too. The joy. Lockhart has just come skipping in as well. He's wearing green today; he looks like a giant lime.
"Hello Severus, Minerva." Show off. Go and do your nails or something.
"Hello Gilderoy." What would Dumbledore say? McGonagall fraternizing with another man. Well half man, half fashion victim.
"I see you have been giving out 'advice' on how to look after the Whomping Willow." I had to ask some sort of question, him stood there goggling at me was making me feel uncomfortable.
"Yes, I looked after one for a couple of years when I was a boy." I bet it didn't get run over by two lunatics in a magic car.
"I'm sure Professor Sprout knows what she is doing, she does teach Herbology." That's stumped him, why is McGonagall glaring at me?
"Yes, I was just offering some advice to her." Advice? More like commands.
"Perhaps you should start writing back to all of your fans, Gilderoy?" Shut up McGonagall, nobody asked you to get involved.
"Yes Minerva, I suppose I should really. My fans need me; I am the five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award." Oh goody, the excitement of winning a smiling award. I can't understand people who smile most of the time. It takes less effort to look miserable.
"That's what every school needs, a teacher that can smile for a living. Never mind teaching about werewolf's and such like, lets all learn how to smile and win awards so we can all have adoring fans and spend our time writing letters back to them." I think he heard me. His smile has slipped slightly anyway. McGonagall is going to throw the coffee machine at me unless I apologise by the looks of it. Well I have my own special coffee cup; I don't need your crummy coffee machine any more.
"I must get back and…er… plan my next lesson." And with that Lockhart shuffled out of the door, just before a large object flew past my ear and hit the wall behind me.
"Will you stop being spiteful Severus?!" McGonagall has just thrown a chair at me and she's going on about me being nasty towards other people?
"Why? He's a stupid little worm that constantly annoys me."
"Stop bullying him!"
"Bully? I'll kill the little…"
"You lay one finger on him and you'll be kicked out of this school so hard you won't be able to sit down for a week!"
"Tell him to leave me alone then!"
"No! If he annoys you that much then lock yourself in your dungeon and do us all a favour!" And McGonagall stormed out after Lockhart. Maybe I was a bit harsh? Nah, that's a stupid idea.
