Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction
BY LARGEMARGE
Author's Note: Boy, have I had a crappy coupla weeks. Of course I announce I'm updating weekly and then I don't do it. So sorry. Perhaps I should have said I'm updating weekly unless my job interferes. Anyway, enough of the apologizing. I'm not really sure if this chapter even makes sense. I've read through it so many times I'm just really, really sick of it. Hope it's halfway coherent. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed, because it really makes the writing worthwhile. Oh, and as always, thanks for the ideas. I'm using 'em! Just be patient!
Disclaimer: Same as all the others. Is it hot in here, or is it just my computer?
Daddy Snape Comes Out of the Closet
Harry was annoyed. He'd been in the hospital wing a week now recovering from all the curses the aurors had shot at him. It shouldn't have been so bad, really. Compared to Azkaban, the hospital wing was palatial. The problem, really, was Snape.
"How are you feeling, Harry? Are you hungry? Does anything hurt? Can I get you something to read? A potion? A pensieve full of all of my most embarrassing moments for you to rifle through?"
Madame Pomfrey had released Snape a few days before, but he insisted on returning to check on Harry hourly.
"I'm fine," Harry said irritably. "Will you get out of here and leave me alone?"
"But Harry –"
"Stop calling me Harry!" Harry yelled.
"Well, what else would I call you? Harry's your name," Snape pointed out.
Harry gritted his teeth. "Call me Potter," he said angrily, "Or idiot. And insult me a lot."
"Insult you?" Snape asked with confusion. "But I don't want to insult you. I want to hug you and love you and –"
"GET OUT!" Harry roared, suddenly throwing arbitrary curses around with his Mighty Wandless Magic.
Snape ran from the room, flames shooting from his hair.
Moments later a bunch of Weasleys entered the room, looking back the way they had come. "What was that all about?" Fred asked.
"Snape doesn't hate Harry anymore," Ron explained to Fred and George as they made their way to Harry's bed.
Harry was glad the Weasleys – oh, and Hermione – had shown up, because he wanted some company other than Snape. And all his animosity was automatically gone after the last chapter ended, all issues resolved, and total closure found on the subject of Azkaban.
In short, everything was back to normal.
Unless, of course, the author decided it should be otherwise.
"Stupid git won't leave me alone," Harry muttered.
"Wait a minute, Snape likes you now?" Fred asked incredulously.
"I think he thinks he's my father," Harry said.
"He wants to smother Harry with love," Ginny spoke up.
"Well, I wouldn't put it that way," Harry said.
"He wrote it on a piece of parchment and hung it at the front of the Potions' classroom," Ginny said. "'Snape wants to smother Harry with love.'"
"Gone clean batty, he has," Ron mused.
Harry groaned. "This is awful."
"Well, cheer up, mate," George said cheerfully. "Now that Fred and I are here, we'll hold the man off with the power of practical jokes."
"Say, what are you doing at Hogwarts, anyway?" Harry suddenly thought to ask Fred and George.
"Trying to drum up business in Hogsmeade," George supplied. "Meeting with potential investors and such. Mum made us promise to check in on you."
"We've got to get to class," Hermione announced. "You two stay here and entertain Harry a while, will you?"
"Yeah, sure we'll entertain him," Fred said. Everyone left but the twins.
"So Daddy Snape, eh? That's rough," George mused.
"It's just his potion," Harry said. "See, he was taking this potion back when it first started –"
"When it first started?" Fred interrupted.
"Yeah, see it started back at the beginning of the fanfic," Harry explained, quickly filling the twins in on all the important stuff they had carelessly missed by not reading the whole story.
A sudden thought occurred to Harry. "Hey! A sudden thought has occurred to me," he said. "Maybe you guys can help me out. You any good at potions?"
Fred looked at George. George looked at Fred. "Are we any good at potions?" Fred scoffed. "Is the sky blue? Is Voldemort evil? Is the Pope Catholic?"
"Is that a yes?" Harry asked, confused.
"So you want us to have a go at making Snape's potion, then get him to drink it," George guessed.
"Hey, good guess. Were you this bright in the books, or has the author made you a little smarter than usual?" Harry asked curiously.
George looked offended. "If anything, she's dumbed me down."
Then Fred and George disappeared off to do their important stuff, and Harry prepared himself for Snape's next visit.
The next day when Madame Pomfrey let him leave the hospital wing for good, Harry went straight to the headmaster's office, determined that something had to be done about Snape. Because after he'd got to thinking about it, he didn't entirely trust Fred and George's potion-making skills.
"Snape has gone mad!" he cried out, bursting through the door.
Dumbledore looked up idly. "Oh, hello Harry. Have a lemon drop. These things are the greatest!" He shoved a handful in his mouth.
"Oh, sure, thanks." Harry popped the candy in his mouth and sucked on it distractedly for a moment or two before remembering the purpose of his visit. "Professor, Snape's out of his mind!"
Dumbledore sat up. "Oh, that's right. You did say something about that when you came in, didn't you." He pulled out a stack of papers. "Now, what's the problem? Out of his mind, you say?" He shuffled through the papers. "Don't think we've got a form for that…"
"But he's been stalking me for the past two days!"
"Stalking you?" One of Dumbledore's eyebrows went up.
Harry was suddenly intrigued by the eyebrow. "Hey, that's cool, Professor! How'd you do that?"
"What, this?" Dumbledore raised one of his eyebrows again. "It's a gift, really."
"Let me try," Harry said. He screwed his face up into a look of concentration. "Is it up? Did I do it?"
Dumbledore broke into laughter. "Ooh, that's priceless. Do it again."
For a couple minutes more random randomness went on until Harry suddenly, again, remembered the purpose for his visit. "Wait a minute. Are you trying to distract me, Professor? I'm here to report that Snape's gone loony. And you keep changing the subject and distracting me with candy and your eyebrows and stuff. Is there something you don't want me to know?"
The headmaster hung his head in shame. "Harry, you've figured it out. You read me like an open book. You've seen past the web of lies and deceit. You've called my hand. You've –"
"Okay, okay! I get it. So what is it? What's going on? What is that you don't want me to find out?" Harry asked, his curiosity really piqued. Really, a lot.
"Harry, what I have to tell you doesn't go out of this room," Dumbledore said, pulling out his wand and sending random spells shooting around the room to protect them from any spying or other interference.
"Okay," Harry said, unable to believe his luck. Dumbledore was going to tell him a big secret! He couldn't wait to tell Ron and Hermione about this.
"Harry," Dumbledore said, leaning forward, "Professor Snape's potion has worn off. That's why he no longer hates you. All those repressed fatherly emotions are surging forward again, and he's lost the desire and the ability to fight them off. He's given in to them."
Harry sighed impatiently. "I already know all that, Professor. Tell me something helpful, like how to make it stop. Or else tell me that big secret you were talking about."
Dumbledore looked rather sorrowful. "I wish there were something I could do, Harry, but I'm afraid it's hopeless."
"Hopeless?" Harry squeaked. "As in, you can't make him hate me again?"
"No, I can't." Dumbledore answered. "And the reason is, Harry…" he paused dramatically, "…Professor Snape is your father."
Harry collapsed into a nearby chair. "What? My father? But that means…"
Dumbledore nodded gravely. "Yes, I'm afraid it does. Your mother is Narcissa Malfoy."
"What?" Harry collapsed deeper into the chair.
"Didn't you know?" Dumbledore leaned forward. "Professor Snape was married to Narcissa until he discovered she was having an affair with Lucius. And then he sent her packing, but he never knew she was pregnant with you."
"But…but Draco…" Harry stammered.
"Well, and Draco of course. She was pregnant with you and Draco."
Harry stared without comprehension.
"You were twins, Harry," Dumbledore supplied.
"You mean…Draco's my…brother?"
"Twin brother." Dumbledore looked rather like he was enjoying this.
"But…no way! That's impossible. My parents are Lily and James Potter!" Harry insisted desperately.
Dumbledore shook his head. "Lucius didn't like the look of you. He told Narcissa to get rid of you one way or another, or he would. So she handed you off to the Potters. They were desperate for a baby. Only too glad to have you."
Harry grasped frantically at straws. "But I don't even look like Snape! I look like Lily and James! My eyes! Look at my eyes!" He gestured frantically at his eyes and poked himself in one.
"Why don't you have a look at yourself, Harry," Dumbledore said, handing over a small mirror.
Reluctantly, with much trepidation Harry accepted the mirror. And staring back at him was his worse nightmare. It was a miniature version of Snape.
Harry didn't stop screaming for a full five minutes.
After he left Dumbledore's office, Harry wandered aimlessly. He was completely devastated. His world had collapsed around his ears. What was he going to do? Everything that he'd ever believed in was a lie!
Suddenly it came to him. He was going up to Gryffindor Tower and kill himself by whatever means possible. Maybe he'd Avada Kedavra himself in the mirror again. And this time he wouldn't make any mistakes.
He rounded a corner and came face to face with Snape.
"Harry! Here you are!" Snape said, delight written all over his face.
Harry looked down at himself. How had Snape recognized him? He didn't even look like the old Harry Potter anymore. Then it hit him. Snape must have known, all along. Snape knew Harry was his son.
"The truth's out, you sicko," he told Snape angrily. "Thanks for ruining my life. And just so you know, I'm going to kill myself."
"What?" Snape's voice was filled with fatherly concern. "Kill yourself? But why?"
"I won't be your son!" Harry shouted. "I'd rather be dead!" He took off at an angry pace. Snape jogged to keep up.
"But…but Harry, can't you come to love me? We could be a family! I could help you with your homework! We could play quidditch together!"
Harry stopped short. "Oh, so I suppose you want me to change my name to Harry Snape now, is that it?"
Snape got a dreamy look on his face. "Harry Snape…what a nice ring that has to it…"
Harry took off running and didn't look back.
Ron, and Hermione were sitting in the Gryffindor common room talking when Harry came running in, so he decided to explain everything to them before he went up to kill himself.
"Oh, hi Harry," Hermione said, glancing up at him and doing a double-take. "Hey, you look –"
"Yeah, I know," Harry interrupted. "You almost didn't recognize me, huh."
"Well, actually I was going to say all hot and sweaty, like you ran the whole way up here. But okay."
"I just wanted to tell you guys that I just found out Snape's my father."
"Harry!" Ron jumped to his feet. "That's disgusting and horrible! We can't be friends anymore!"
"But I'm mad about it too!" Harry protested. "That's why I'm going up to my room to kill myself right now!"
"Oh good," Ron said,sitting down again. "I thought for a minute there we'd really lost you."
"So Snape's going to be running in here any minute, then, to save you?" Hermione asked.
"Yeah, that's how it usually happens in these fics, I've heard," Harry mused. "But hold him off for a few minutes, will you, so I can get it done properly."
At that moment Snape ran into the room.
"I haven't done it yet, so get out!" Harry yelled at him.
"Oh, sorry." Snape left to await his cue.
Once he was up in his room, Harry decided that Avada Kedavra wasn't horrible enough to give Snape a sense of how much Harry really didn't want to be his son. So he decided to smash out the window and leap to his death. He had just broken the window out when he heard someone taking the steps two at a time, in quite a hurry to get up to his room. He leaped onto the windowsill.
"Harry, don't do it!" Snape yelled desperately, running into the room. "We've still never had any boy talk!"
Harry threw an annoyed glance over his shoulder. "What?"
"Can't you just see us, Harry?" Snape asked in a coaxing voice. "Saturday nights down in the dungeons sitting next to a warm fire, sipping hot cocoa and talking about your friends and classes and love life?"
Harry hesitated. It would be nice to unload all his girl troubles onto somebody. Maybe he wouldn't jump after all…
"Can we have peanuts too?" he asked, turning slightly toward Snape. "And some pepper jack cheese?"
"Of course, Harry," Snape said. "Only come down off that ledge."
"Well, all right," Harry said, climbing down. "But I don't know how I'm going to explain this to Ron and Hermione. I was supposed to put up a fight for another two chapters before I finally gave in to being your son."
"Well, they'll get over it," Snape said, slinging an arm over Harry's shoulder. "So, you want to go throw the ol' quaffle around?"
Harry brightened. "You mean it? You really like to play quidditch?"
Snape folded his arms. "Harry, I'm surprised at you. Haven't you seen my plaque in the quidditch trophy case? Best darn towel boy the Slytherin quidditch team has ever seen."
"Oh…right," Harry said, trying to look impressed.
So Harry and Snape came down the stairs laughing and arm in arm. Ron and Hermione looked properly horrified at the sight, and especially when they overheard some of the conversation:
"I feel kind of bad about being so hard on you all these years, Son," Snape was saying. "Mostly it was because I hated your guts and I wanted to see you lying dead in a ditch somewhere."
Harry slugged him in the arm. "Oh, Dad, you're such a joker."
After they had left, Ron and Hermione looked at each other in horror. "We've got to do something!" Hermione wailed, so the two took off running to the library. Chances were good in a story such as this that there would be a book full of answers just lying about and waiting to be found. It would be called something like Potions to Cure Your Best Friend Who's Just Taken an Insane Liking for the Meanest Teacher in the Whole Wide World.
Out on the quidditch pitch, Harry and Snape were having so much fun playing quidditch that neither noticed when Draco walked onto the field.
"Hey, can I play?" he called to Harry, looking lonely.
Harry dove for the ground and jumped off his broom. He'd suddenly remembered what Dumbledore had told him earlier about Draco being his brother. Twin brother. Maybe it was time to make the family reunion complete.
"Draco!" he said, running at him and throwing his arms around him.
"Wh-Harry! You've finally decided to be my friend!" Draco said joyfully, returning the hug. "You mean you really don't hate me anymore?"
Harry pulled back. So Draco didn't know they were brothers either. Harry craned his neck around, looking for Snape. Maybe he should be the one to tell Draco. But Snape was off somewhere flying on his broom. Harry turned back to Draco.
"There's something I have to tell you, Draco," he said solemnly. "Something very important. About your mother."
Draco suddenly looked uncertain. "You're not going to insult my mother, are you?" he asked suspiciously. "Because then I'll have to defend her honor, and we can't be friends anymore after that."
"No, not at all," Harry assured him. "I was just going to say that before you were born, your mother had an affair, and since she did –"
Draco's face darkened and he swung at Harry, connecting with his mouth. Harry fell backwards in a heap.
"Hey!" he said angrily, scrambling to his feet. "I'm trying to give you some good news here!"
Draco's hands were balled up in fists and he advanced threateningly on Harry. "Oh, by spreading lies about my mother?"
Harry held up his hands. "No, see, before she had the affair, she was married to another guy, and that guy was –"
Draco smacked him in the nose this time and Harry rolled backwards again. He leaped to his feet, blood pouring from his nose.
"Will you knock it off!" Harry yelled. "I'm not trying to insult your stupid mother! She's my mother too!"
Draco leapt on him. "How dare you! My mother did not have an affair with James Potter!" He pummeled Harry for a while and Harry screamed stuff about Draco being his twin brother, but Draco was too enraged to notice.
Finally Snape became aware that something was going on and flew down to investigate.
"Boys! Boys!" He pried them apart. "What's this all about?"
Draco folded his arms and glared at Harry. "He keeps insulting my mother! Saying stuff about her being a…" he lowered his voice before continuing, "…loose woman."
Harry pulled himself to his feet and wiped at his face with one hand, smearing blood everywhere. "I did not! I was just trying to tell him about Narcissa. You tell him, Professor. He won't believe me!"
Draco took another lunge at Harry. "How dare you call my mother by her first name!"
Snape held them apart some more, but looked a little confused. "What about Narcissa, Harry?"
"You know, Professor, about the affair and everything."
Draco took another lunge. "I'll kill you!" he screamed.
Just then Fred and George came running out onto the pitch, followed closely by Ron and Hermione. They were all breathing heavily.
"Harry! Harry," Fred gasped. "Need to talk to you." He gasped some more.
Draco had his hands around Harry's neck. Snape was trying to pry them off.
"Little…busy right now," Harry choked out.
"It's important, Harry!" George insisted. "Now!"
Finally Snape got Draco pried away from Harry and incapacitated him with a Petrificus Totalus. While Harry went off to listen to Fred and George, Snape sat down to give Draco a lecture on the importance of anger management.
"Um, we finished your potion, Harry," George said, handing over a bottle. "To make Snape hate you again."
Harry smeared the blood around on his face some more. "Oh…thanks." He looked over his shoulder at Snape, then back at the four in front of him, his expression uncertain. "Well, see, now I'm not sure if I need it. We've decided to be father and son. And I was trying to tell Draco he's part of the family too, because see, he's my brother. Only he tried to kill me instead."
"Fred and George have something they want to tell you about that, Harry," Hermione quickly inserted. "Something very important."
"Yeah, Harry," Ron spoke up. "Hermione and I only came along to make sure you don't kill them or anything."
"What?" Harry asked with confusion.
"Uh…yeah," Fred said uncertainly. "About that. See, none of that stuff is technically true."
Harry looked even more confused. "What do you mean?"
"The part about Snape being your father and Narcissa your mother."
"And Draco your twin brother," George added.
"Wait, how did you know all that?" Harry asked. "Dumbledore only told me a couple hours ago and I haven't told anyone the whole story…" he trailed off.
"Well, you see, it's kind of a funny story, Harry," Fred said, laughing weakly.
"Yeah, real funny," George piped up.
"See, one of our investors was meeting with Dumbledore today, and we just wanted to make sure he put in a good word for us. We really could use the money," Fred explained.
"And Fred and I always keep some polyjuice potion on hand. Never know when that stuff'll come in handy," George said.
"And have you ever noticed Dumbledore's beard?" Fred continued. "That thing is shedding everywhere! So anyway, the truth is…"
The two spoke together. "That wasn't Dumbledore you talked to in his office today."
Harry looked stunned. "You mean…"
Fred nodded miserably. "It was me, Harry. But please don't kill me!"
Harry folded his arms and looked angry. "Why would I kill you?"
Relief washed over Fred's face. "Well, after that last chapter, no one's quite sure what you're capable of anymore. Anyway, when you came into Dumbledore's office today, all upset over Snape and his fatherly emotions, I just couldn't help myself. I had to play a joke on you. It was only later that I realized you'd probably hunt me down and kill me for what I had done."
Again Harry looked angry. "Will you stop saying that?" he asked irritably. Then another thought occurred to him. "But I look like Snape! You showed me in that mirror!"
Fred pulled the mirror out of his pocket. "It's one of our new inventions. We call it the Mirror of Worst Nightmares. It'll scare the crap out of anyone." He snickered. "Your reaction was classic." He immediately sobered at the look on Harry's face. "But don't kill me."
Harry sighed dismally and shook his head, feeling like an idiot. Fred and George watched him with trepidation, waiting for him to zap them to death. Finally Harry looked over his shoulder at Draco and Snape. "Well, what are we going to do about them?" he asked, gesturing. "I told Snape I wanted to be his son! I thought he was talking about biologically. I guess he just needed some outlet for those stupid fatherly emotions."
"Well, don't worry, Harry. We've got the potion right here," George said. "We just have to get him to drink it."
Harry, who didn't feel he had any energy left for another big fight, whipped out his wand and whirled on Snape. "Stupefy!" he shouted.
He turned back to Fred and George, who looked a little frightened again. "Oh, come on," he said with annoyance. "I'm not going to hurt anyone."
"Well, okay then," George said, although he didn't quite seem convinced.
"Just pour it all in," Harry instructed. Fred uncorked the bottle and poured the lot down Snape's throat.
"What now?" George asked.
Harry's wand was still in his hand. "Ennervate."
While Snape started to move again, Fred leaned in to whisper, "Perhaps we should warn you, Harry. It may be a tad bit stronger than usual."
"What do you mean?" Harry asked.
Suddenly Snape lunged to his feet. "Potter! I hate your filthy, slimy guts! I'm going to kill you as soon as possible! Then I will truly be happy!" He looked around and noticed there were witnesses. "Well, for now I'm just going to take a thousand points from Gryffindor." He began to stalk away, then turned around and came back. "But rest assured, Potter, one day soon you will be dead, courtesy of Severus Snape. Dead, dead, dead! Bwahahahahaha!" He stalked off again, laughing maniacally.
"That wanting to kill you part should wear off in a couple of hours," George assured him. "Well, probably."
They all turned to look at Draco, who was still incapacitated on the ground. Harry walked closer to speak to him.
"Look, Draco, it appears I was rather mistaken about your mother. She didn't have any affairs – at least, any that I know of – and she's likely a pillar of virtue. Well, apart from being married to a Death Eater. And the mother to a Death Eater in training." He released him from the Petrificus Totalus.
Draco scrambled to his feet, looking a little less murderous than before. After seeing them shove a potion down Snape's throat he figured a retreat was in order anyway. He ran off.
"We're really sorry, Harry," Fred and George said again.
"Us too, Harry," said Hermione and Ron, although it didn't really seem like they had anything to apologize for, other than being rather obnoxious.
"Oh, it's okay," Harry said, even though he was feeling a little melancholy now that his dream of the perfect father/son relationship was gone. He sighed deeply. There was only one thing to do.
"So how do you guys feel about peanuts and pepper jack cheese?" he asked.
Author's Note: Sheesh, Draco's a little overprotective of his mother, isn't he.
Upon review of this chapter, it's come to my attention that perhaps I've been a little insensitive to the subject of suicide. Please keep in mind that I in no way endorse suicide and the only reason I included any mention of it in this fic is because I find those suicidal Harry stories so ridiculous. And beyond that, isn't living so much more fun than dying?
Review and make my day!
