Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter
Chapter Three: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller
I should have been the DADA teacher
You never guess what he had his classes doing today, a quiz, about him. Malfoy was talking about it in the Slytherin common room. Apparently there were some extremely stupid questions like:
'What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date in your opinion?'
Well I have the perfect answer:
Not being killed by Professor Snape, yet.
With Potter's class he set loose Cornish Pixies, unfortunately none of the things managed to harm Potter in any way. Cornish Pixies are vicious buggers when they're set free. They don't cope well in confined spaces.
Weasley has broken his wandIt was really crappy anyway. I don't know why Potter doesn't just buy him a new one; he has bags of cash left to him by his parents. I think they stole it from Gringott's with the help of Dumbledore personally, but it'll never be proved. In Charms Weasley's wand hit Flitwick right in between his eyes and now there is a massive green boil there. It's quite disgusting actually; whenever you talk to him you can't help staring at it. Especially when he shakes his head, it kind of wobbles. He should really do something about it. I might make him a potion to get rid of it. I have a book somewhere about getting rid of boils, not for myself of course, just in case of emergencies. Potter has a new follower, Colin Creevey out of Gryffindor. Always walking round with that damn camera. One of these days I am going to 'accidentally' drop it into a cauldron of boiling slime. He had the cheek to ask me for a picture! To 'show this mother and father what his potions teacher was like.' I calmly suggested that if they want to look at something interesting, they should visit a zoo not ogle at pictures of me.
I love being evilI have just issued Flint (captain of the pathetic excuse called a Quidditch team) with a letter saying that I give them special permission to train their new seeker, who is Draco Malfoy. His father has kindly given all of the team Nimbus Two Thousand and One brooms just to prove that he has lots of money. Some people will think that Lucius is just being kind and showing his support to the school, but I however know that he is a) buying his son onto the team and b) showing off how much money he has. I swear he would sell his own granny for five Galleons if someone offered.
That is the funniest ting I've heard all yearWeasley has ended up cursing himself, apparently there are slugs coming out of his mouth every time he tries to talk, or move, or breathe. Malfoy has just been giving his bodyguards the disgusting details. What would have been even funnier however would be if Malfoy had got cursed and that might ensure Weasley getting expelled. It would teach Malfoy a lesson, get one of Potter's sidekicks out of the school and amuse me.
This is the funniest day of my lifePotter has just received his detention for flying that car- and he has to ANSWER FAN MAIL with I-won-the-Witch-Weekly's-Most-Charming-Smile-award-five-times-and-even-though-I-pretend-not-to-talk-about-it-I-still-manage-to-mention-it-every-other-sentence. Weasley is polishing cups in the Trophy Room, with elbow grease. Not harsh enough in my opinion, but at least Filch is overseeing the operation. Have you ever noticed what a dirty little fellow Filch is? Has he never heard of water? I think that's why he's called Filch, it sounds extremely like Filth. And he smells of booze most of the time.
I hate third yearsThey have just decided to plaster frog brains all over my nice ceiling and Filch is on the rampage, whinging on about having to clean up after everybody and not getting any thanks and hardly any pay. I felt like bashing him over the head with a cauldron and telling him that none of us get any thanks and we only get more pay because we actually do something useful. Not to mention the free rooms, free food, free coffee and 'holidays' that we get. I don't think that would have cheered him up however, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I could have waved my wand and all of the frog brains would have disappeared. He spent such a long time cleaning them up. I think the dungeons need lick of black paint, or perhaps grey; I'll have to get some painters from Hogsmeade to have a look at it.
I swear if Nearly Headless Nick doesn't stop complaining…All he does is whinge about not being about to join the Headless Hunt. That's the idea though; the ghost has to be HEADLESS! If he doesn't stop complaining he is going to end up headless and armless!
Halloween is comingI don't know why witches bother with Halloween; they know that witches and wizards are true so why have a party about it? Have they seen Muggle Halloweens? They are awful, little brats running around as witches, mummies, Frankenstein's, vampires and wizards. Then they go around knocking on doors saying 'trick or treat?' They get a bloody shock when you answer trick and then stand there waiting for them to do something. You are meant to give them sweets or money, but why? They don't need it, the costumes probably cost more than what the brats will collect and rotten teeth are never attractive. Really I'm doing them a favour.
The painters have comeA witch in a very dodgy dress, a very camp wizard and a troll. The witch took one look at the dungeons and suggested black or grey, the wizard looked at the dungeons, looked at me, looked at my clothes, looked at the witch then also suggested black or grey. The troll shrugged and went to fetch some tins of paint. I ended up choosing black, the grey was a little too daring for me and the students make think I'm going soft.
McGonagall's being nastyI went to the staff room while the painters were, well, painting and McGonagall made a very catty comment to Lockhart.
"I love the seaweed green you are wearing Gilderoy, I think it's great when men have an air of colour and life about them."
Firstly, 'an air of colour and life' what's that about? The comment was obviously aimed at me and it's not enough that I have appalling taste in clothes; I am apparently colour-blind as well now.
Secondly, SEAWEED GREEN! Who would wear seaweed green? Who made up seaweed green? Seaweed? I thought seaweed was brown, not green. Perhaps I should tell him this very interesting fact.
"Hello Severus. Dumbledore has partnered you up with Professor Flitwick today." Great, fifteen minutes watching that boil wobble up and down. What's McGonagall looking so happy at? Oh, she's partnered up with Lockhart and his seaweed green robe. Hopefully Flitwick wouldn't come into the staff room and we won't have to do any talking what so ever. Or I could leap out of the window and make a dash for my room across the lawn.
