Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction

BY LARGEMARGE

Author's Note: Ha! I'm back. You all thought I was gone forever, eh? Fooled you! I blame it all on my computer, which chose to bite the dust at the most inopportune time. But here I am writing to you from my new shiny computer. As Spider-Man would say, "I'm back! I'm back!" Okay, who's been watching too much Spider-Man 2?

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, blah blah blahbitty blee.


The Mystery, What There is of it, Deepens

Harry awoke. And stretched. Aah…it was another glorious morning at Hogwarts. And better still, today was the day of the much-anticipated Gryffindor/Hufflepuff quidditch match. And as we all know, quidditch is all that Harry lives for, so he was feeling pretty darn happy. If it wasn't for quidditch, he'd probably be lying dead in front of a mirror somewhere.

Anyway, the Gryffindors had been training vigorously for the match, mostly because Hufflepuff had gotten themselves a new seeker. And he was amazing, or so rumor had it. His name was Petey Gonzalez. His teammates claimed he could catch the snitch in under ten seconds.

"Not bloody likely," Ron had said when he heard the rumor. "No one can catch the snitch in under ten seconds. It's never been done! If Gonzalez can do it, I'll eat the sorting hat."

"If you eat the sorting hat, how will everyone get sorted?" Harry wondered aloud.

Ron gave him a look. "Fine. I'll eat…my socks."

"Ewww, your socks?" Harry asked. "Have you smelled your socks lately?"

Another look. "The point is," Ron said impatiently, "no one can do it, so I won't have to eat anything!"

Harry pondered this statement for a moment before asking, "But if you don't eat anything, won't you starve to death?"

Ron went storming off muttering stuff about how the author had dumbed Harry down way too much. Which was probably true. Probably.


Right, so the quidditch match. The team was gathered in the Gryffindor changing rooms. The match was about to begin.

"Harry, I want you to keep your eye on Gonzalez at all times!" Ron barked at him. Not to be disparaging to dogs at all. "If he catches the snitch, our friendship is over! And as for the rest of you, if we don't win this match, I'm siccing Fred and George on the lot of you!"

Aah, the phrase to strike terror in the hearts of millions. Everyone exchanged looks of horror.

"I also think we should all remember how every kid needs a hero…blah blah blah…" Ron continued, but everybody stopped listening until Madame Hooch stuck her head in the room a while later.

"And furthermore, I feel that –" Ron was saying.

"Mr. Weasley, we're waiting," Madame Hooch said impatiently.

"For what?" Ron asked. "Oh, right, quidditch," he answered his own question. "Got carried away, I guess."

"It's okay, Ron," Harry spoke up, trying to make him feel better. "No one was listening anyway."

Strangely, Ron seemed annoyed at his words.


"Now, I want a clean match! No funny stuff!" Madame Hooch yelled.

"Not even any knock-knock jokes?" Harry pouted, but no one heard him over the blowing of the whistle and everyone kicking off into the air. He quickly followed suit.

Gonzalez was already speeding away toward some unseen target, so Harry sped after him.

And the game was on.

Gonzalez was all over the place, from one end of the stadium to the other. Man, he was speedy. But still no snitch in sight.

When Harry was certain that ten seconds had passed, he breathed a sigh of relief and let off of tailing Gonzalez. Well, at least Ron wouldn't have to eat his socks now. That wouldn't have been pretty.

Suddenly…a random Bludger of Death came flying straight at Harry out of nowhere!

"Harry! Look out!" his teammates and half the people in the stands yelled at him.

But Harry was much too focused on important things like finding the snitch – or that piece of chocolate he'd stuck in his pocket earlier, whichever he could locate first – to be distracted by every little thing being yelled at him by 500 people.

If he hadn't seen the snitch in that instant, the random Bludger of Death probably would have taken his head off. But at the last moment, Harry spied the snitch hovering below him and shifted in preparation for a deep dive. So the bludger only bowled him over and sent him plunging to the ground.

Harry grunted with pain and surprise, and then he realized that he was falling. Through a haze he thought to himself, remember Ron's hero speech...and besides, I don't want Fred and George let loose on me...must...catch...snitch...

He reached a hand out and felt it close around the snitch moments before he hit the ground. Then everything went all dark and painful and angsty.


"Is he gonna live?" a frantic voice was speaking nearby. "I'll do anything…you want my kidney? I'll give him my kidney!"

"Yeah, me too," another voice spoke up. "My liver too, if he needs it. And maybe I could spare him a lung…"

Somewhere close by another voice was wailing. "Oh, the pain, the anguish! Just let me die!"

"Can someone shut her up?" someone muttered. "It's not like she's about to die like Harry is."

"Just calm down, all of you. Harry's coming around, and I need you all to take a step back and let me look at him."

Harry opened his eyes to discover himself in the hospital wing surrounded by his teammates, as well as Hermione and Neville and Luna and Cho, and any other important characters the author may have forgotten to throw in there. Oh, and Madame Pomfrey, who was fighting a losing battle to push everyone out of the way and have a look at Harry.

"Harry! You're alive!" Ron clasped his hand.

Harry gasped in unbelievably unbelievable pain, because he'd broken all the bones in his arms and legs. And hand.

"Don't...touch...me..." he spoke between gritted teeth.

"Oh, sorry." Ron dropped his hand like it was a hot poker. "Are you in very much pain, Harry?"

"Did...we...win?" Harry managed through the pain. What a hero. Always thinking of quidditch first.

"You were magnificent!" Ginny beamed down at him. "You know how we all said it was impossible to catch the snitch in ten seconds? Well, you did it in twenty!"

"You were amazing, Harry," Ron piped in, and everyone standing around murmured an assent.

Nearby the wailing resumed. "I'll never walk again! I knew someday these students would get me! I just never imagined it would be like this!"

"Who's that?" Harry asked.

"Professor Hodgepodge," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

"Just a little accident, mate," Ron interjected at the question in Harry's eyes. "I kind of…crashed into her in my haste to get to the ground after you fell. Broke both her legs."

Professor Hodgepodge screamed some more, and then Madame Pomfrey shooed everyone out of the room so she could take care of her two invalids.


After healing all his broken bones, Madame Pomfrey said Harry had to stay in the hospital wing for another couple of hours, just to make sure he was all right. In his screened off little bed with nothing to look at and no one to talk to, Harry soon drifted off to sleep.

He awakened some time later to discover hushed voices speaking nearby.

"…what do you mean, you don't want to tell him?" Harry immediately recognized Remus's voice.

"I just think that now is not the time," Buttercup replied, her voice sounding strained.

"We've been seeing each other for two months! When do you think the right time will be to tell him? When you're married with five kids?" Remus exploded.

"Lower your voice," Buttercup ordered. "And no, of course I'll tell Severus before that.I don't even want five kids!"

"If you really love me like you say, then why should you hesitate to tell Snape it's over between you two?" Remus demanded. "He's still planning the wedding! It's just not right!"

"I've told you, I'm not ready," Buttercup said in a cold voice. "Stop pushing me."

Harry could hear Remus pacing up and down. "I should have seen this coming…I never should have given up on her…she was the single greatest love of my life…"

"What are you talking about, Remus?" Buttercup interrupted. "Who was the single greatest love of your life?"

The pacing stopped. "I've been so blind. I just hope she'll understand. Even if I have to wait a hundred years, it will be worth it if she'll have me…"

"No…no, wait!" Buttercup interrupted, sounding desperate. "No, I'll tell Severus, really I will! Don't go, Remus!"

"It's over, Buttercup," Remus said shortly. "Goodbye."

Then there was some cursing on Buttercup's part, which kind of surprised Harry. She looked so nice and sweet that to hear her swearing like a sailor was a little shocking. But he soon got over that surprise. Because other mysteries were afoot…


Harry fell to imagining who Remus's lost love could be. It was only a moment later that Snape came billowing into the hospital wing.

"Buttercup!" he bellowed angrily, striding past Harry's screened-off bed to reach his fiancé.

"Severus?" she inquired in a puzzled voice. Harry sat forward in anticipation of listening in on another lover's quarrel. Two in one day! What were the odds of that happening again?

"Buttercup, I demand to know the meaning of this!" Snape's voice drifted towards Harry's bed. "I found this letter lying on top of your desk. It's signed by…" Snape's voice lowered significantly and Harry strained his ears to hear. It sounded like he said "the dark lord," but Harry couldn't be sure. He wished he had his invisibility cloak with him so he could go nearer to eavesdrop.

"Severus!" Buttercup said in a strained voice. "Remember…little Gryffindors have big ears."

"What?" Snape sounded entirely confused. "What does Longbottom have to do with anything?"

"Ahem," she cleared her voice loudly. "I was speaking of a certain seeker with a scar…

There was another pause, and then Snape seemed to get it. "Oh, is Potter still here? Well, he can just get out then. I don't care if he does seem to think he's hurt…or dying…or whatever." Snape's head appeared around the privacy screen and stared at Harry. Harry stared blandly back.

"I'm afraid you're mistaken, Buttercup." Snape withdrew his head. "Potter's not here. There's just some donkey I've never seen before lying on the bed."

"Oh," Buttercup said, sounding slightly confused. "Strange…I never heard him leave…"

"Let's not forget the topic at hand," Snape commanded, striding back to her side.

Harry jumped off the bed and stuck his donkey head around the screen.

"You are in league with the dark lord. Admit it!" Snape accused.

She held up her hands. "Now, let's not jump to conclusions, Severus. Just because there's a letter on my desk signed by the dark lord does not mean I'm in his services."

Unnoticed, donkey Harry emerged from the screen and tiptoed closer to Buttercup's bed.

"Show me your arm," Snape demanded.

"My arm?" she echoed faintly. "What for?"

"So you can prove there's no dark mark on it."

Buttercup held her arm behind her. "It's…really very sore, Severus. I think that blasted Gryffindor may have broken it too…"

"Show me your arm!" Snape thundered.

Harry the donkey cowered underneath the neighboring bed. Buttercup reluctantly pulled her sleeve up.

"Oh, Buttercup, what have you done?" Snape moaned.

Harry poked his nose out from under the bed in time to see the dark mark emblazoned on Professor Hodgepodge's forearm. He gasped.

"What was that?" Buttercup's head whipped around and Harry drew his nose back under the bed. A moment later Snape was staring at him upside down.

"It's just that donkey again," he said over his shoulder. "Come on out, little fella. We're not going to hurt you."

Reluctantly, Donkey Harry emerged from under the bed. Snape patted him absently on the nose.

"Cute little guy, isn't he," Buttercup mused. "Wonder who he belongs to."

"We're not done here," Snape reminded her. "What do you expect me to tell Dumbledore now?"

"Nothing?" she suggested hopefully.

"I think not," Snape said shortly. "I'll just have to tell him my fiancé is a Death Eater."

"Well, if you think that's best," Buttercup said in a little, ashamed voice.

"A Death Eater," Snape repeated. "That sounds so awful. What are we going to tell our children?"

"Children?" she echoed.

"We can't very well tell them their mommy is in league with an evil dark lord who wants to take over the world, can we?"

She cleared her throat carefully. "But you're a Death Eater too."

"Ex-Death Eater," Snape insisted. "Now I work for the good guys."

"Oh, me too. I don't do any work for the Dark Lord now."

Snape sighed impatiently. "Buttercup, this letter is dated today."

"Fine! If you want to believe a letter and not your own fiancé, that's great."

"Stop lying!" Snape bellowed. "I can smell lies a mile away, and you reek of them!"

"All right, fine," Buttercup exploded, her voice equally angry. "Look, Snape," she said, and her voice wasn't very friendly. "That's right, I'm in league with the dark lord. And guess what else? I don't really want to marry you, either! I'm just here to kill you for your betrayal and then turn Harry Potter over to my master."

Snape gaped. "But – you mean you don't love me?"

She laughed. "Have you looked in the mirror lately? I mean, what have you got against shampoo, anyway?"

Snape looked crushed. Harry was a little shocked himself. That shampoo crack was a pretty low blow. Oh yeah, and Professor Hodgepodge was a Death Eater. That was shocking too.

"But…you don't really want to kill me, Buttercup," Snape finally said. "After all that we've meant to each other? You don't mean that."

"I assure you I do," she said coldly.

"But…you've had so many opportunities," Snape said desperately. "If you really wanted to kill me, then why haven't you done it yet?"

"I haven't decided quite how to do it," she responded. "But in the meantime, I'm rather enjoying carrying on with a certain werewolf."

Snape blanched. "Lupin?"

"That's right. We've become very…close."

Snape looked so crushed that Harry almost wanted to pop out and tell him that truthfully the two had just broken up. But he kept his donkey mouth shut.

"That…werewolf? Lupin? Seriously?"

Buttercup was definitely enjoying herself. "Yes. And you might as well know he's a much better kisser than you are."

He began pacing. "We've got to call off the wedding. What am I going to do?"

Buttercup was slowly pulling her wand out of her sleeve. Harry tried to get Snape's attention by butting his hand with his nose. But Snape was not interested in the donkey at the moment. "My fiancé's a Death Eater," he was muttering to himself. "This won't do at all…"

"Oh, Severus," Buttercup said sweetly.

Snape looked up to find himself staring at the tip of Buttercup's wand.

"I think I'll save killing you for another time, dearest. But for now, since I can't have you messing up my plans – obliviate!"

Harry ran away and hid under the bed again. He stayed there until after Snape left, when he assumed that surely now the terror was over.

But he was wrong.


Shortly after Snape's departure, there was a noise near the door.

"Who's there?" Buttercup called.

All was still and silent.

"Come out or I'll come get you!" Buttercup commanded in a scary voice. "And believe me, the first option will be much more pleasant for you."

Harry poked his nose out from under the bed to see what was happening.

"I-I'm really sorry…I didn't hear much…" Petey Gonzalez came out from his hiding place behind a bed.

"Mr. Gonzalez," Buttercup said in a frosty voice. "Listening behind beds doesn't sound so innocent to me."

"I'm really sorry," the kid said in a pleading tone. "I only came to congratulate Harry…er…is he here?"

"Mr. Potter is not here."

"Oh, sorry. I'll just be going then." He turned to leave.

"Not so fast!" Her voice rang out and Gonzalez stopped in his tracks.,

"I really can't just let you go after all that you've heard, you know," she spoke calmly.

"Oh, but I didn't hear anything. Really," he claimed. "Just some stuff about wedding plans, I think. Then I just kind of…drifted off. I'm very tired after the quidditch game earlier. Really," he insisted.

She was staring at him and tapping her upper lip contemplatively. "You know, you'd make an excellent mouse," she said, tilting her head and squinting her eyes at him. "Creeping around the halls of the school, running from Filch's cat…"

"But…I don't want to be a mouse," Gonzalez said, his voice rising with alarm.

Moments later a terrified mouse ran over Harry's hoofs. Even though he knew it was just Gonzalez, it was still kind of creepy. And man, even as a mouse he was speedy.

Oh, and if he'd thought Fred and George were scary, Buttercup was ten times worse. Almost like Voldemort in a dress.

Voldemort in a dress…hey, that was a funny thought…

Anyway, Harry stayed under the bed for quite a while.


Finally Madame Pomfrey returned. While she fussed over Buttercup, Donkey Harry managed to slip out the door unobserved. Then he promptly transformed back into himself and headed straight for Dumbledore's office.

Something had to be done about evil Death Eater Professor Hodgepodge.

"Professor Hodgepodge is a Death Eater!" he yelled as he burst into Dumbledore's office.

No one was there. So much for his dramatic revelation. He went back downstairs and hunted up Professor McGonagall.

She was in her office shuffling through papers and looking busy. "What is it, Mr. Potter? That was some magnificent work on the quidditch pitch today, by the way. Feeling better, are you?"

"Where's Professor Dumbledore?" Harry demanded. "I have some urgent news to deliver to him."

McGonagall looked at him over the top of her glasses. "The headmaster has been called away on urgent business," she stated.

"What?" Harry asked with dismay. "Why does this only happen when I have important stuff to tell him?"

She shrugged. "Beats me. Take that up with the author."

He shook his fist at the sky. "Curse you, whoever you are!" he shouted. When he looked back at McGonagall, she was watching him with a worried expression.

"I don't really want to be the one to tell you this, but the headmaster's urgent business does involve you in a way," she said hesitantly.

"What?" he demanded. "What is it?" he took a seat across from her. "Have you found Sirius? He didn't really die?"

She gave him a look. "That only happens in fanfiction."

"This is fanfiction," he reminded her.

"Oh yeah. Well, he's still dead. The bad news is that someone else might be too." She handed Harry a piece of parchment. "This note was pushed under the door to Professor Dumbledore's office earlier. It seems rather serious."

Harry read over the note. "I've got the werewolf, and he'll be dead within the hour unless you meet all my ransom demands." It was signed with the letter V.

"But…but how do you know what werewolf he's talking about? It could be anyone!" Harry said desperately.

"Read the back," she told him.

Harry flipped the note over. "P.S. I'm talking about Remus Lupin." He gasped and threw the note down, then stood and began pacing.

"Now, stay calm, Potter. The headmaster is already seeing to his release. Professor Lupin will likely be back with us within the hour."

"But what's being done?" Harry demanded. "What does Voldemort want?"

"He's being rather unreasonable," McGonagall said, pushing another piece of parchment across to Harry.

He picked up the note and read, "In exchange for Lupin I want five first-years that I can train to be my minions. And 25 cheese wheels."

Harry whistled. "That is unreasonable. 25 cheese wheels?"

She gave him a look. "And we can't very well go around handing out first-years either," she pointed out.

He collapsed into the chair and covered his face. "This is horrible! I can't believe this is happening. I just saw him a little while ago…he was fine then…"

"Where was he?" McGonagall inquired.

"In the hospital wing," Harry explained. "He was talking to Professer Hodgepodge –" Suddenly he gasped. "Wait a minute…she's behind all this! I don't know how, but she did this to Remus!"

"What do you mean?" McGonagall asked, sounding confused. "Buttercup would never –"

There was a knock on the door.

They exchanged a worried glance before McGonagall called, "Come in."

Professor Dumbledore entered, looking old and defeated.

"Where's Remus?" Harry asked in a high, agitated voice.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid I was too late, Harry," he said sorrowfully. "There was nothing I could do."

"You mean…" Harry trailed off in horror.

"Yes. Remus is gone."

Harry felt himself falling. Figuratively as well as literally. Once again, everything was all dark and painful and angsty, and then he didn't remember anything for a very long time.


A/N: Once again, sorry for the six-week hiatus! Stuff happens.

Review!