Disclaimer: I have finally realized that you do not have to put a disclaimer on every page so I'm not going to on this chapter.
Chapter six: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller
The day of reckoning
It's five o'clock in the morning and I am sat in the staff room, getting ready for Lockhart's arrival, strong black coffee, murder mystery book and doing sneer practices in the mirror above the sink. I'm currently wondering whether to forget the whole 'dancing round a cauldron' remark and just leave my revenge at throwing a statue at him or scare him absolutely stupid, make sarcastic remarks at every opportunity, completely destroy his 'reputation' and dye his seaweed green robe more of a dragon-droppings color. That's a hard choice to make.
Too much caffeineNever again am I sitting in the staff room for two hours waiting for other teachers arrive, I didn't realize I had had so much coffee to drink before it was too late. I can't sit still and I am getting very funny looks off Dumbledore who is talking to McGonagall. Everybody seems to be here except for Lockhart, hang on I think he's coming through the door.
"Ahhhh Gilderoy," that's Dumbledore, as if you didn't know by the extravagant and very annoying 'ahhhhhing.' "You are with Severus today." I wish I had had a camera at that moment; he went from skin color to white, to green, to pink and ended up a kind of milky porridge color.
"Lockhart. How's the head?" Might as well tackle the problem face on.
"Oh fine thank you Severus. I managed to get a bit of work done yesterday actually."
"Having a headache doesn't stop you writing letters to your fans I suppose." Luckily McGonagall is talking with Dumbledore still and so didn't hear that comment. Lockhart is looking very uncomfortable.
"The statue has had to be taken off for repairs. Your head made quite a mess of it." Might as well stick in as many snidey comments while I have the chance.
"Do you know how it came to… fall… off its stand?" Oh, don't get cheeky with me you little toad.
"I may have got a little overexcited while dancing round my cauldron and I may have danced straight into it." That shut him up; I think he is trying to work out whether or not I'm being serious.
"I'm going to get a cup of tea, excuse me." And with that Lockhart made his escape. Don't worry, I'll get him again next break. We're partners for the whole day after all. In fact I have a free lesson third so I might go and visit him while he is teaching.
Where's my best friend gone?I can't find Lockhart anywhere; you don't think he's avoiding me do you? I've looked in the staff room, the dungeons, his room, down all the corridors and skirted round the Great Lake before the squid spotted me. I even ducked into the Owlrey and went out again before they all dive-bombed me or whatever it actually is that owls do.
Found him!He's been camping out in McGonagall's office talking about everything from himself to the weather. McGonagall cornered me as I was creeping, no that makes me sound like a vampire, er… well I was creeping so I'll just stick with that, anyway. As I was creeping down the fourth corridor McGonagall whispered to me in a very low and dangerous voice that I WILL stop picking on Lockhart or she will end up shoving every copy of Witch Weekly where the sun doesn't shine. She stomped off before I could say, "I'd like to see that." Or something equally as snidey. I think she has finally got bored of his Most-Charming Smile.
Third lesson, I've got work to doHere's the plan:
1) Stand at door sneering and leering at Lockhart
2) Get a cup of coffee
3) Do some more leering while making sure Lockhart sees me
4) Go and buy every copy of Witch Weekly I can find
5) Invite McGonagall into staff room for a chat
6) Sit in staff room calmly waiting for Lockhart
I don't think it'll work, McGonagall doesn't see me as someone to chat to. It will give me something to do for the next lesson and through dinner. Lockhart has first year now and they're so dim they wouldn't notice if I walked in, grabbed Lockhart and waltzed round the room with him. They certainly won't see me at the door, Lockhart however will.
Stage one completeOkay, I lurked around Lockhart's door for a bit but he was so busy describing how he managed to trap a flesh-eating boar in the depths of the Amazon Jungle that he didn't see me. One of the first years did however, her eyes went as wide as saucers and she nudged the girl next to her but I ducked out of the way before they could both see me. Got bored of trying to get Lockhart's attention so I'm trying to find the coffee at the minute. I think McGonagall has hidden it somewhere, she's done this before, she really needs to get some new pranks. Where's her oh-so-precious tea cosy?
Stage two completeFound the coffee, need to go and do some more lurking around Lockhart's door. Hang on… I've just had this awful thought. Who do I remind you of? Lurking around a particular teacher, using any excuse to see them? God, I'm turning into Quirrel.
I can't lurk when I'm like thisI don't want to be like Quirrel.
Stood outside Lockhart'sI'm being serious. I won't turn into Quirrel; I have too many brain cells for that. All I have to do is let Lockhart see me then I can go and do something more productive, like order copies of Witch Weekly.
He squeals like a girlOr a pixie, or a house elf when you kick them. He saw me and I grinned very evilly (I have added evil grin to my list comprising of sneers, hair flicks, annoyed glares and so on. I am quite proud of it actually, but I reserve it for people who I really hate), and he squeaked, floundered a bit until the whole class were giggling at him, moved very quickly as far away from the door as he possibly could and hopped from one foot to another very nervously. Classic.
He's a right ugly buggerI have a pile of Witch Weekly in front of me and all I can see are smiling Lockhart's in a variety of brightly coloured robes. 'Gilderoy Lockhart on how to deal with dust biters,' 'Gilderoy wins Housewife Favourite of the Year award.' It goes on and on, pointless awards from people with no social lives. Not that I can talk, the last time I went out for a drink with a 'friend' was 1987 and that was only because he wanted to poison me with the Firewhisky. I can smell poison from a mile away though and I very cleverly swapped the glasses and sat there waiting for the pathetic excuse that came. I think he ended up knocking it on to the floor or something. I wonder what happened to him? Actually I don't really care. There's the bell, I wonder how long it will take Lockhart to get down here? The staff room is quite far from his room actually; I'll have enough time to get McGonagall.
Told you she would suspect somethingSo near and yet so far, all I had to do was get McGonagall down here and before I had finished my first word she asked what I really wanted, why I was asking her and whatever it was the answer is no. I told her that Lockhart wanted her down in the staff room to talk about some different Witch Weekly awards he had got. She nearly grabbed a painting of the wall and threw it at me. And she kicked a suit of armour as she went past it, to which it let out a very wheezy "Ouch." Sparks will fly and I have to there to see it! Keep stirring that pot Severus.
