Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction

BY LARGEMARGE

Author's Note: Two for the price of one! Actually, they're both free…so never-mind. Thank you everyone who has reviewed, despite erratic updating…you guys are the best! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Same as all the others.


Hermione and the Lying Marauder

Harry stared out the window morosely. It was the day after the quidditch match. One day since…Remus had died. So far Harry hadn't done anything but drag himself out of bed and stare out the window, contemplating suicide. There was a mirror right there; all it would take was one little flick of the wrist and an Avada Kedavra, and he'd be dead. Then all his problems would be over.

But that would be a dumb ending, so instead, Ron walked into the room at that moment.

"Hey, Harry," he said hesitantly. "How're you feeling?"

Harry didn't answer.

"I know you're still upset about Remus and everything…you want to talk about it?"

Harry turned away so he didn't have to see the outline of Ron in his peripheral vision.

"They've put up a memorial to Remus down in the entrance hall," Ron continued. "Do you want to go look at it?"

When Harry didn't respond, Ron went on. "Say, it's the strangest thing…apparently Petey Gonzalez has gone missing."

Harry didn't even blink.

"No one seems to know where he could have gone to. I think he's probably just off pouting because you caught the snitch so fast."

After Ron left, Harry continued to contemplate dismal, depressing thoughts. He didn't even care about seeking revenge on Professor Hodgepodge. Voldemort had won. Harry would concede defeat and kill himself like any graceful loser.

He picked up his wand and stepped closer to the mirror. Then he noticed a big zit beginning on his chin, so he wasted a few minutes trying to pop it.

Okay, anyway. Back to the Avada Kedavra. Harry raised his wand and pointed it at the mirror. Here goes nothing, he thought grimly. He opened his mouth. And –

Hermione walked in. "Hello, Harry," she said cheerfully. "What're you doing?"

He dropped his arm in defeat. Would no one let him die in peace?

"Practicing a spell?" she asked.

"Sure," he muttered, dropping onto his bed.

"I just wanted to have a go at cheering you up," she said, sitting down next to him. "Ron said you were just moping around. You know that's not good for you," she chided.

Harry sighed and stared at his feet.

"It is a shock, though," Hermione continued. "Poor Remus."

He grunted.

"If only I still had my Time Turner," she went on. "Maybe we could go back and warn him, at least."

Harry sat up.

"Although I suppose – Harry?"

He had leaped off the bed and was digging through his trunk.

"What're you – Harry, what is it?"

He jumped to his feet, the Time Turner clutched triumphantly in his hand.

She gasped. "Where did you get that?"

"Doesn't matter," he grunted. "I'm going back to save Remus." He threw the chain around his neck.

"But…but Harry, you can't alter time! I was just…just talking..."

"I'm not going to alter time," he said impatiently. "Well, okay. Maybe just a little bit."

Hermione grabbed his arm. "If you insist on going, then I'm coming with you."

"Oh, all right," Harry said impatiently, tossing the chain around her neck too. He began to turn the hourglass.

"But you're not going to alter time," Hermione insisted.

"Oh, yes I am," Harry replied. "And you know what, while I'm time traveling, I think I'll go back and save Sirius from falling through the veil and my parents from being killed too," he taunted her.

"But Harry, you can't!" Hermione wailed. "Bad stuff could happen!"

"Like what?" he demanded.

"Well…I don't know!" she said desperately when she couldn't come up with anything. "But I bet it could!"

"Well, even so," he concluded. "As crappy as my life is, I think it's time I did something to fix it."

"But what if –" she broke off. "Harry, you only needed to give that thing a few turns. How many times have you turned it?"

He suddenly realized the same thing. "Um…I'm not sure. A few hundred?"

"Oh, Harry!" She hit him on the arm. "You've got to be careful with those things! How many times have I told you you've got to be careful with them?"

He sighed. "Well, let's just see where we are, and then calculate how far we've got to go back."

She gave him a disapproving look. "I don't suppose there's anything else we can do," she said grudgingly.

So Harry stopped turning the Time Turner.


The boys' dormitory was empty and held no answers to the question of what time they were in, so the two took to the castle halls, hoping to run into something or someone that would reveal what year it was.

And then…they rounded a corner and came face to face with – a kid who looked just like Harry! Hermione was so surprised, she dropped the Time-Turner and it broke into a thousand pieces!

Not built to last, those Time-Turners.

"Oh no!" Hermione shrieked. "What are we going to do? That was our only way home, Harry! We're stuck here forever! Waaaahhh!"

The boy watched Hermione's freak-out with a kind of fascination, before he noticed Harry.

"Hey, you look just like me!" he said, stepping past Hermione, who was continuing to wail. "Are we related?"

"Um, maybe?" Harry guessed. "Potter?"

"Yeah. You too?"

Hermione ran down the hall wailing and pounding on walls in frustration.

"Yeah."

"Weird…" the kid said. "I didn't know I had any cousins at Hogwarts. I'm James." He stuck his hand out.

"Harry."

They shook hands before Harry turned to yell after Hermione, "Hey, Hermione, do you know who this is?"

She wasn't paying attention, but was coming back their way babbling and incoherent.

"Did you hear me, Harry? I said we're stuck here forever!" She wailed some more and pounded on his chest with her fists.

Real drama queen, that Hermione.

"May I be of assistance?" a deep voice suddenly spoke nearby. Everyone turned. A devastatingly handsome young man was watching Hermione with concern.

She swooned.

"Oh, hi Remus," James greeted him. "Check it out. This kid looks just like me. Weird, huh."

But Remus was paying too much attention to the swooning Hermione to notice. "Your friend here seems…a little worked up," he pointed out to Harry.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Harry said sarcastically. "Maybe you should take her to the hospital wing and see if they've got a calming draught or something."

So Remus and Hermione disappeared off to the hospital wing, and Harry had a little chat with James.

"So, a Time Turner," James mused, helping Harry to gather all the pieces of the broken object in hopes of putting it back together later. "Does that mean you're from…the future?"

"Yes, we are," Harry confirmed.

"Do I know you? You know, in the future?" James asked.

"Well, you're my father," Harry said. Then he clapped a hand on his mouth. "Shouldn't have said that."

"Your father? Really?" James looked intrigued. "Who's your mother?"

"Lily Evans," Harry said, before clapping his hand over his mouth again. "Shouldn't have said that either."

"Lily Evans? Really? Are we good parents?"

"Well, you're both dead." This time Harry clapped both hands over his mouth. "Wow, shouldn't have said that at all."

"Dead?" James looked devastated. "How did we die?"

Harry shook his head, his hands still over his mouth. "Huh-uh. I'm not saying anything else. Hermione will kill me when she finds out I said anything at all."

"But if you tell me," James wheedled, "Maybe I can stop it from happening!"

"No way," Harry said. "Hermione says bad stuff happens when you mess with the past."

"Like what?" James demanded.

"Well…I don't know. Probably my head will explode or something."

They picked up the last pieces of the Time Turner in silence.

Just then another kid showed up, punching James in the shoulder. "Hey, what's going on?" he asked. Then he noticed Harry. "Hey! This kid looks just like you!" He looked back and forth from James to Harry.

"Sirius, he's from the future," James explained. "Just broke his Time Turner."

"No way!" Sirius looked intrigued. "What's the future like?"

Harry shrugged. "Just like now," he replied vaguely. "Only…different."

"He's my son," James continued. "And guess what? I'm going to marry Lily Evans!"

"No way," Sirius said. "She'd never marry you."

"Temporary insanity, maybe," James shrugged.

"Do you know me in the future?" Sirius demanded. "Am I married to a hot chick too? What's my life like?"

"Kinda crappy," Harry mused. He went to clap a hand over his mouth, then shrugged. What was the use?

"Crappy?" Sirius repeated. "Like how?"

Harry sighed. "Well, you spend ten or so years in Azkaban and then you break out and live on the lam for a while, and then you end up getting killed by your own cousin."

Sirius gasped. "I'm dead too?"

Harry waved a hand. "Oh, get over it. Everybody dies in the future eventually."

Both Sirius and James were lost in melancholy thought until Hermione and Remus showed up a moment later. Hermione seemed much more relaxed. In fact, she hardly even noticed Harry at all. She was much too busy staring deep into Remus's eyes.

"So guess what, Remus," Sirius said gloomily. "In the future, we're all dead."

"Yeah, Remus too," Harry sighed miserably. "You were the reason we came back in time. You just got killed by Voldemort."

"Um…what?" Remus looked around, noticing the three of them for the first time. "Did somebody say something?"

Harry sighed. Weird things were afoot.


So Harry and Hermione were stuck in the past for a while. For as long as it took Harry to fix the Time Turner, anyway. Because it's not like they could just find another Time Turner to use instead.

As the days and weeks passed, Hermione and Remus grew closer and closer. Harry, meanwhile, spent his days attempting to reassemble the Time Turner and withstand Sirius and James's wheedling requests for information about the future. Oh, and Harry also eventually met Peter Pettigrew, but as he was a future traitor and evil Death Eater, Harry only glared at him and put a trip jinx on him when his back was turned. And then he was relevant to the chapter no more.


One afternoon Harry held up the Time Turner with triumph. "I've got it!" he yelled. "The Time Turner is fixed!"

Nearby Hermione burst into tears and clung to Remus. "I can't leave you!" she sobbed. "It will break my heart!"

"You must be brave," Remus told her. "Be brave for me!"

Harry tried not to be sick.

"You don't belong in this time," Remus told her. "The future needs you."

"But you're not there," Hermione sobbed. "How can I live without you?"

At that point Harry had had enough, so he turned to James. "Well, dad, I guess it's time to go back to the future," he said.

James looked a little sad. "Are you sure you have to go?"

"Yeah. And in case you ever decide to become involved in taking out Voldemort, I would advise you not to trust a certain worm-tailed little friend of yours."

James looked confused. "Wait, is that a clue as to how I'm going to die? Can't you be a little more specific?"

"Peter Pettigrew's a traitor!" Harry yelled.

"Oh, okay. Well, that's specific enough," James concluded. "Thanks."

"What about me?" Sirius pouted. "Aren't you going to tell me how I die?"

"Don't get in any duels with your cousin," Harry advised him. "And stay away from the Department of Mysteries, even if you think I'm going to get killed."

"Will do," Sirius agreed.

And then Harry and Hermione were off to the future, Hermione sobbing the whole way.


When they arrived back in the boys' dormitory in their own time, Remus was sitting on the bed.

"But…but…you died!" Hermione and Harry sputtered together.

Remus smiled. "I hate to admit it, but…I planned the whole thing. I faked my kidnapping and death."

"But…why?" Harry asked with dismay. "I nearly killed myself!"

Remus took Hermione's hand. "I couldn't wait for you to meet me in the past, dearest Hermione. I need you in my life."

Hermione burst into tears and clung to Remus. "I need you too!" she wailed.

"It's killed me all these years not to be able to say anything to you…" he murmured.

"What about me!" Harry yelled. "I nearly killed myself for you! And you were just faking so Hermione would go back and fall in love with you!"

But neither of them were paying any attention to him at the moment.

Disgusted, Harry stomped away. Then stomped back.

"I just want to know, did my warnings help Sirius and my parents at all? Are they still alive?"

Remus looked up briefly. "Nah. They all died just the same. I guess some things are meant to be."

Harry stomped off again. Then stomped back one last time.

"I just want you both to know, you're thoughtless, selfish people, and I hope you have malnourished children! Lots of them!"

Since they still weren't listening, Harry didn't get hardly any satisfaction out of the statement. Throwing up his hands in defeat, he went off to find Dumbledore. Maybe he'd let Harry sit in on his afternoon soap. Oh yeah, and maybe it was time to bring up that little detail about Buttercup being a Death Eater…


A/N: Once again, I don't endorse suicide!

Review! Pretty please!