Harry Potter's Sixth Year in Bad Fanfiction
BY LARGEMARGE
Author's Note: Well, here's the deal. I'm really going to finish this story.Every so often I get reviews asking me where the heck I went off to. The truth is I've just been moving and starting a new job and blah blah blee…who cares. So encourage me. I'm only about six chapters from finishing!
Disclaimer: Really. I don't own Harry Potter. Just like to mess with him.
Love Hurts, and So Does Stupidity
Harry burst into the headmaster's office. "Chocolate-covered grasshoppers?" he demanded.
Dumbledore shrugged. "You try coming up with a different password every week," he said fretfully. "Besides, they're not half bad, even though their legs do tend to get caught between your teeth." He flipped open a pocket knife and began picking at his gums.
"Never mind," Harry said, holding up his hands. "I don't want to know." He took a seat and assumed his I'm really, really serious pose. "I just came to tell you…" he paused dramatically, "…Professor Hodgepodge is a Death Eater."
Dumbledore held out a box. "Mmm…yes, I know. Care for a cayenne-covered cockroach? I'm testing these out for next week's password. It's between these and the cinnamon-scented centipedes."
"You know?" Harry exploded. "You've intentionally put us all in danger? And got Petey Gonzalez turned into a mouse?"
Dumbledore glanced up as he munched on a centipede. "Oh, so that's where he's gone off to. I wondered. Say, these aren't half bad, if you overlook the risk of biting into a poisonous one."
Momentarily distracted, Harry wrinkled his nose. And noticed for the first time the piles of boxes covering Dumbledore's desk. "Professor, what's all this?"
The headmaster shrugged. "Oh, I got a catalogue from Bugs R Confections a few weeks back. Figured it was worth a try. I have a small candy obsession, you know."
"I know," Harry said. "I've been in all the books, remember?" Curiosity getting the better of him, he picked up the nearest box and opened it. A giant fuzzy spider lay nestled inside. "Ewww…this doesn't even look appetizing!"
"Aah, the tarragon tarantula," Dumbledore nodded. "Tragedy, that combination."
Harry threw the box down and remembered the reason why he was there. "Look, professor, are you telling me that all along you've known Hodgepodge is a Death Eater, and still you've inflicted her on us?"
Dumbledore folded his arms and leaned back in his chair, fixing Harry with a piercing stare. "Look, Harry. I'm the headmaster and you're not. So I can do whatever I want, and I don't really have to explain myself to you. Got it?"
Briefly taken aback, Harry stammered, "But…but…it's me! Harry! If you tell any student your secrets, it's me!"
"I don't appreciate being questioned," Dumbledore pouted. "Besides, I think you need to go now. You're probably late for a class or something."
"No, not really," Harry said.
"Well, get out anyway, will you? And take the tarantula with you."
Pouting, Harry stood and moved toward the door. "Fine!" he flung over his shoulder. "We can't be friends anymore!"
As he was about to run out of the room, Dumbledore held up a hand. "Oh, I nearly forgot. I got word a couple days ago that someone wants to kill you. So we're bringing in Tonks to keep an eye on you."
Harry paused in the doorway. "Someone wants to kill me? You mean besides Voldemort?"
Dumbledore pulled out a piece of parchment and ran an eye over it. "Hmmm…let me see. Dear Professor Dumbledore, just wanted to let you know I want to kill Harry Potter…dead, dead, dead, deader than a doornail. By the way, I am not Voldemort." He set the parchment aside. "Yes, this all seems to be in order."
"But…Tonks?" Harry folded his arms. "I don't need Tonks following me around. That's the last thing I need."
"Oh, cheer up," Dumbledore said. "It'll only be for…" he calculated on his fingers, "…the rest of the term."
"What?" Harry exploded. "The rest of the term? This is totally unfair! I can take care of myself! I don't need Tonks following me around, attracting attention."
Dumbledore shrugged. "Still, since I am the headmaster…" he shoved a cockroach in his mouth and the rest of his words were muffled.
"I know, I know. You get to do whatever you want." Harry stomped out of the room and down the revolving staircase, complaining all the way. "I swear…gone stark, raving…old man…"
Above him, the door popped open and Dumbledore stuck his head out. "I was going to say," he called after Harry, "Since I'm the headmaster, I can eat another cockroach if I feel like it!"
Harry stomped down the hallway, muttering, "Bloody bugs."
When he entered the Gryffindor common room, it was empty except for one lone figure hunched in front of the fireplace: Ron. After his conversation with Dumbeldore, Harry was in a particularly nasty mood. And as luck would have it, he did just happen to have a large, disgusting spider nestled in his pocket. Perhaps he'd just torture Ron a bit…
He crept closer to the hunched figure, pulling the tarragon tarantula out. He'd just freak Ron out a little. Yeah, that's it. If he could just make Ron scream like a girl and cower behind some furniture, then Harry would feel better.
In that instant, Ron turned and looked over his shoulder. Harry shoved the spider behind his back.
"Oh…hullo, Harry," Ron sniffed, wiping at his face with the back of his hand. "Didn't hear you come in." He turned back to the fireplace.
Harry stopped short. Ron was…crying? Well, even though the spider joke would have been a great one…regretfully he shoved the tarantula back into his pocket.
"So, what's eating you?" Harry asked, sitting down. "Stub your toe?"
Ron choked on a sob. "Hermione…dumped me!" he wailed. "Says there's nothing between us anymore…but air!"
"Oh." Harry sobered a little. He'd almost forgotten about Hogwarts' latest love connection.
"Bloody werewolf," Ron growled. "Cradle robber, that's what he is."
"I guess so," Harry said.
"You guess so?" Ron demanded. "Aren't you worried at all? Remus could turn her into a werewolf, just like he almost did to you! How would you like that? Huh? Huh?" He poked Harry in the chest a few times.
Harry shrugged. "I don't know. I guess that'd be bad, yeah."
"You guess?" Ron stood up. "Looks like I'm alone in my concern for Hermione." He squared his shoulders. "Well, I'm not going to let him get away with it. I'm going to challenge Remus to a duel."
"Do you really think that's a good idea?" Harry asked doubtfully. "He's a werewolf, you know."
"I know that," Ron said. "And if he turns me into one, you're the first person I'm coming after!" He stomped away angrily.
Harry frowned to himself. He should have just freaked Ron out with the spider anyway. Hearing him scream like a girl would have been way more entertaining than listening to him whine about Remus.
In the middle of breakfast the next morning, Tonks walked into the Great Hall and approached the Gryffindor table. Seeing the familiar colorful head drawing near, Harry's stomach suddenly made an unexplained lurch.
"Hi, Harry," Tonks greeted him, sitting down across the table. "How're you doing?"
"Fine," Harry muttered, not looking up. Maybe if he didn't look at her she'd just go away.
Since Ron was busy looking hurt and forlorn and Hermione was gazing adoringly at her breakfast (and sighing and laughing at nothing in particular every so often; it was disgusting, really) Neville picked up theslack.
"Tonks? What're you doing here?" he asked around a mouthful of eggs.
"Oh, I'm just here on some official Auror business," she replied vaguely, helping herself to the food on the table. "Just pretend I'm not here."
"I certainly wish I could," Harry muttered, but since neither Ron nor Hermione were paying any attention to him, nobody asked him to repeat himself. Harry felt a little disappointed. He tried again.
"I'd like to pretend you're not here," he said a little louder, but still under his breath.
"What's that you're saying, Harry?" Tonks asked.
Harry looked around angrily. Neville was talking to Dean, Ginny was scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment in front of her, Ron was glaring at Hermione, and Hermione was staring at the ceiling and playing with her hair. No one was paying any attention to Harry.
"Never mind," Harry said crossly. He stood up. "I think I'll go now."
No one looked up.
"I said I think I'll go now!"
Tonks stood. "Good idea, Harry. I should go too. Shall we walk together?"
Even though he was mad at all his house mates, Harry decided he couldn't be mad at Tonks, especially when her hair was turning that adoreable shade of pink. Adoreable? What? Where did that thought come from? he asked himself.
Aloud he said, "Well, okay," His heart began fluttering unaccountably.
In the entrance hall Tonks took hold of his elbow. The flutters increased.
"I'm really sorry about this, Harry," Tonks said. "I know how you must feel about being shadowed by me for the rest of the term. I'd feel the same way."
"Uh…yeah," Harry said distractedly, trying to tear his gaze from Tonks' mesmerizing eyes.
"Well, just so you know it wasn't my idea. I think we should all just leave you alone and let you have as normal a life as possible," she proclaimed.
Harry suddenly realized that was the nicest thing any girl had ever said to him. And besides that, Tonks was really hot. What? Really hot? What's the matter with me? Harry thought to himself.
"Uh…I should go," he stuttered, suddenly overcome by all the strange thoughts he was having. He turned and scurried off.
What was going on? He'd sworn off girls forever, hadn't he? What, one bright pink head of hair and he was history, just like that? But he hadn't felt this way since…Ginny. Well, except for that Valentine's Day thing with Myrtle, if it could be called anything but weird.
"So, where you going?"
Harry jumped. Tonks was by his side, keeping pace with him.
"Uh…I don't know. Class or something."
She smiled. "Well, I have to keep an eye on you, remember? Where you go, I go."
Dang. He did remember Dumbledore saying something about that.
"Uh…the loo," he said. "I have to go to the loo. You can't go in there, can you?" he asked hopefully.
"Well, I guess not." She looked a little disappointed. "But I'll be waiting right outside."
In the bathroom Harry tried to gather himself. He didn't want to make a complete and utter fool of himself in front of Tonks. That would be bad. He breathed in deeply a lot and told himself to calm down. When he was positive he wasn't going to do anything stupid, he left the loo.
"I think you better hurry, Harry," Tonks said, cocking an eyebrow at him. "You're going to be late for class."
It was the eyebrow that did it. Threw him over the edge, I mean. "Oh, Tonks! I can't take it anymore!" Harry flung himself down on the ground in front of her. "I know I'm not worthy of you, but I think I love you!" He smothered the ground by her feet with kisses, then got some floor lint stuck to his mouth. He spent some embarrassing moments picking fuzzy things off his lips and wondering feverishly why Tonks hadn't said anything yet. Finally he dared a look upward.
"Oh, Harry," she said. "At last I can tell you how I really feel about you!" She flung her arms around his neck.
For a couple days they were blissfully happy, though they had to keep their love a secret. You never know, Tonks could probably lose her job or something. It wasn't until a few days had passed that the author remembered how the Harry/Tonks relationship was commonly referred to: Honks. And this definitely must not be. So it was on the third day of being madly in love with each other that Tonks suddenly remembered. She was here to protect Harry.
Harry was on his way to class, Tonks hovering by his side or occasionally dropping a a few paces behind to observe bystanders discreetly.
"Hey, Harry!" Colin Creevey stopped to talk. "I have something that you've been asking for for a while." He began to reach into his bag.
"Nooooo!" Almost in slow motion, Tonks jumped forward and shoved Harry out of the way. He slammed into the wall, then slithered to the ground.
"It's only the quill I borrowed from him weeks ago," Colin said, sounding bewildered. "What's the big deal?"
"Oh, and what kind of quill is this, Mister?" Tonks demanded. "Some kind of special poison quill?"
"Just the one Harry loaned me," Colin replied, very much baffled.
"Uh-huh. Well, I think we ought to go have a little talk with the headmaster about this little quill of yours," Tonks said, grabbing Colin by the ear. "I have to go, Harry. Duty calls," she flung over her shoulder.
Dazed, Harry pushed himself to his hands and knees. Blood was gushing from his nose, which was broken. He limped off to the hospital wing all by himself.
"Harry, where have you been?" Tonks demanded later when she found him in the Gryffindor common room. "I've been worried sick! I've searched the whole school!"
"Just the hospital wing," he said, trying to make it sound casual.
"The hospital wing? What happened?" Tonks demanded.
"Uh...just a little accident," he explained. "Silly of me. Hit my nose on the wall."
"Poor Harry," she said, patting his hand. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you."
He smiled feebly. "Yeah."
She layed her head on his shoulder. "I missed you this afternoon, sweetie. It was terrible to be away from you." She was silent for a moment, then continued. "You wouldn't believe the stories that Creevey kid was coming up with about that quill. Fast talker, that kid. Definitely thinks on his feet. But I've got my eye on him."
"I really think he's okay," Harry insisted, but Tonks cut him off.
"Oh, Harry. You're so cute when you're trusting." Then they snogged for a while, so he forgot all about Colin and the silly quill.
Harry was on his way down to breakfast the next morning when Ron caught up with him in the hall. "The duel's in a month," he said in a low voice. "In the Forbidden Forest."
"A month?" Harry echoed. "Anything could happen in a month! They could have broken up by then!"
Ron looked foolish. "His schedule's really booked, okay?"
"I really don't think –" Harry began.
"Fine, be a coward," Ron said angrily, stomping away.
"What was that about a duel?" Tonks asked, moving closer to Harry.
"Uh…not duel," Harry said, thinking fast. "He said…jewel. Yeah, he's thinking of getting his girlfriend a necklace. With a jewel on it."
Tonks nuzzled his neck. "Oh, that's so sweet. I know I'd love it if –"
"Got a minute, Harry?" Neville came up beside the two.
"We're talking here," Tonks barked at him.
"Oh, sorry. I just wondered if you could help me understand what Hodgepodge was trying to teach us yesterday, Harry." He pulled out a textbook and began to open it.
"Oh no you don't. Accio textbook!" Tonks yelled, knocking Harry out of the way. He staggered backwards, tried to regain his balance, then fell headlong down a flight of stairs. At the bottom he lay dazed, listening to the faint voices coming from the top of the stairs.
"What the – Harry, you all right?" Neville called after him.
"Of course he's all right," Tonks snapped. "Now that I've confiscated this book, which is clearly full of dark magic."
"It's just our Defense Against the Dark Arts book," Neville said in a baffled voice.
"I'm sure Dumbledore would like to hear all about this innocent little book of yours," Tonks said. "Let's go."
"But what about Harry – ow!"
The voices faded.
Harry lay in a crumpled heap until a couple students came along and carried him to the hospital wing.
Tonks pounced on Harry as he emerged from his Potions class that afternoon. "Harry! I just heard you've been to the hospital wing again! A broken arm and leg, Poppy said. What happened?"
"Oh…I just…fell," Harry muttered. "But I'm okay now. See?" He held his arm and leg out for her inspection.
"You have got to be more careful, Harry," Tonks lectured him, mussing his hair. "I can't be around to protect you every moment of every day, you know."
"Yeah, I know." Thank goodness, he thought to himself. But then they hid in a closet and snogged for a while, so Harry forgot all about his silly broken arm and leg.
The next morning Harry joined the rest of the Gryffindor quidditch team for practice. Admittedly, it wasn't much of a practice because Ron was moping around, flying with about as much energy as a seasick elephant. Ginny was also acting a little strange, but Harry didn't really have time to dwell on what that was about. He was too absorbed in wondering what he was going to do about Tonks. Sure, he loved her, but she was bad for his health. Very bad. But still, there was the snogging, he reminded himself.
He waved halfheartedly to her where she sat in the stands. She waved cheerfully back.
"Harry?" Ginny hovered to a stop at his side. "How are you?"
He glanced over. "Uh…fine, I guess. You?"
"Great," she said glumly. She looked miserable.
"Well, good to hear," Harry said, beginning to move off on his broom. "Let's get back to work, then, shall we?" he called over his shoulder.
"Oh, Harry!" she burst out.
"What?" He looked back, surprised at her sudden outburst.
"It's just…I've been wanting to talk to you. But you've had Tonks shadowing you every minute of every day."
He shrugged. "Yeah, I know." He glanced over at Tonks, then back at Ginny. "Well, for the moment I'm free. What is it?"
She looked around nervously. "This isn't really the right place for it."
"For what?" he asked, confused.
"Just…here." She whipped an envelope out of her back pocket and handed it to him. "Read this when you're alone."
Suddenly Harry was zapped off his broom and went flying through the air…down to the ground…
This is gonna hurt, he thought to himself just before he crunched into the ground.
Oh yeah, it hurt.
Tonks was by his side. She plucked the envelope up off the ground.
"Ginny! I can't believe you!" She bellowed angrily.
Ginny was already on the ground running toward them. "Harry? Are you hurt?"
Tonks restrained Ginny. "Don't even think about getting any closer to him. You and I are going to see Dumbledore about this immediately."
The rest of the team was on the ground now, gathering around Harry, Tonks, and Ginny.
"About what?" Ginny asked. "All I did was hand him a letter. And then you hit him with some kind of spell and knocked him off his broom!" she accused.
Harry tried to get up, but his shoulder was dislocated and the side of his face was pouring blood and he couldn't really see much. So he fell back on the ground again. "Tonks?" he whimpered. "Again?"
"Well, of course it was me," Tonks said. "What did you think I was going to do when you handed him a cursed envelope?"
Harry groaned.
"You okay, mate?" Ron asked, kneeling next to him.
"He's fine," Tonks snapped. "And you're coming with me, little missy." She grabbed Ginny by the ear and dragged her away.
Harry was laying in the hospital wing. Though he had already been healed by Madame Pomfrey, he was reluctant to leave. Because…Tonks was out there. He was much safer in his little bed in here.
"Feeling better, Mr. Potter?" Madame Pomfrey asked, approaching to wave her wand around his body and make sure he was all healed and stuff.
"Sure, I guess so." He gazed miserably at his shoes and sighed.
Madame Pomfrey sighed too. Then she sat down on the edge of his bed and took his hand.
"Harry, Harry, Harry," she said.
"Yes?" he asked.
"You know killing yourself isn't the answer, right?"
He looked slightly confused. "The answer to what?"
She waved her hands around a lot. "To anything! All this hurting yourself, it's just causing you and everyone around you lots of pain."
"I'm not hurting myself," Harry said, sitting up. "Why would I hurt myself?" Actually, he was kind of insulted that she'd even think that about him. Even though he had tried to Avada Kedavra himself in the mirror a bunch of times, it didn't mean he wanted to kill himself. Well, okay, it kind of did, but never mind.
"Three days in a row now you've been in here," Madame Pomfrey reminded him. "I think maybe you need to talk to someone."
"I'm not doing this to myself!" he insisted.
"Then who –"
"I don't want to talk about it," he said angrily, shutting his mouth.
After a while Madame Pomfrey gave up and walked away, muttering stuff under her breath about how Harry might as well move into the hospital wing if he insisted on getting hurt on a daily basis. But that's another chapter.
Harry was worried. He'd never realized before how…dangerous Tonks was. At this rate, he'd be dead before the term ended. Dead from Tonks's protection. She was way too hazardous to have as a girlfriend.
There was nothing for it. He'd have to break up with her.
His entire body filled with icy cold dread at the very thought of it.
Since he was dreading the break-up so much, Harry stayed in his little bed in the hospital wing for a while longer. He took a little nap, read a book, stared at the ceiling, made up a song in his head…
Finally Dumbledore came in looking for him.
"Aah, here you are, Harry." He settled on the edge of the bed. "Candied cricket?" he offered, holding out a box.
"No thanks."
Dumbledore was silent for a moment or two, munching on the insect. Finally he said, "I've just had a conversation with Miss Tonks."
"How did it go?" Harry asked, eyeing the headmaster. He looked to be in one piece.
Dumbledore sighed. "I'm afraid we're going to have to let her go." He waved a hand. "We probably overreacted to that letter, anyway. I don't really think anyone wants to see you deader than a doornail. How dead can a doornail be, anyway?"
Since the question seemed rhetorical, Harry didn't answer.
The headmaster shook his head as if to clear it. "Well, anyway, I believe this is yours." He extended the envelope earlier confiscated by Tonks. "Despite Miss Tonks's suspicions, I think it's perfectly harmless. Although it did make for some good reading."
Harry raised an eyebrow.
Dumbledore patted him on the knee. "If you hurry, I think you can catch her before she leaves."
Harry raised the other eyebrow. "What for? I need another conversation with Tonks like I need two broken kneecaps."
"But you two have been making out all over the school!" Dumbledore said with dismay. "I thought you were serious!"
"How did you know that?" Harry demanded. "It was supposed to be a secret!"
"I'm the headmaster, Harry," Dumbledore reminded him. "I know everything. Plus, the author told me."
Harry shook his fist at the sky. "Curse you, mysterious unidentified writing person!" he shouted. Then he got up and stomped out of the hospital wing.
Tonks was leaning against the wall outside, looking depressed. At sight of Harry, she burst into tears.
"Oh, sweetie, did you hear the news?" She threw her arms around him. "I've been sacked. I've failed as an Auror." She sobbed into his shoulder. "Please, just hold me."
After a few seconds, which Harry deemed to be an appropriate length of time to hold her, he spoke up. "Uh…Tonks?"
"He wouldn't even listen to me," she sobbed. "He said I was overreacting, and that anyone as dumb as Neville or Colin would never try to curse you. But he said that Ginny might, only not in the middle of quidditch practice."
He tried to extricate himself from her arms. "Look, Tonks –"
"And I'm just so glad that I still have you!" she wailed, grabbing onto him with a vise-like grip.
"I want to break up with you," Harry said, muffled-like, because his face was smooshedinto her shoulder.
"Because you're the sweetest, most loyal – excuse me?" She held him out at arms' length.
"I want to break up with you," he repeated.
"Wait a minute. Wait just a darn minute." Her hair, which had previously been a perky lime green, turned to a frosty pink color. "You're breaking up with me?" She backed away from him, her hands balled up in fists.
"Uh…yeah?" Harry said hesitantly.
The hair was hot pink now. "You mean this whole time you've just been…leading me on?"
"Well…I wouldn't say that, exactly," he said tentatively. "It's just…you're kind of…" he trailed off.
"Kind of? Kind of what?" she demanded. Her hair was fire engine red. And smoking.
"Crazy," he said. It only took about half a second for Harry to realize that was probably the wrong thing to say. But by then it was too late.
"You think I'm…crazy? I'll show you who's crazy!" Tonks advanced on him.
"Did I say crazy?" Harry asked. "Maybe that's too strong. What I really meant was –"
Tonks swung and smashed him in the nose. He flew backwards and that was the last thing he remembered. Until he woke up again, I mean. But that's a different chapter…
A/N: All reviews and encouragement appreciated.
I love it when Harry yells random things at the author. Doesn't take much to make me laugh. Oh, and I do really like the Remus/Tonks relationship in HBP. Maybe I'll have to see what I can do to make that happen. By the way, I don't think smooshed is really a word. It's kind of like smashed and pushed combined. Get it? Never mind.
