Rules for Dating Lily Evans

Disclaimer: Oh, come on. You are all perfectly aware that none of these characters belong to me.

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The seven people seated themselves at the long rectangular table in the Evans' dining room. Everyone was a bit on edge, except for Sirius.

"Could you pass the potatoes?" he asked Petunia. She pretended she hadn't heard him. "Excuse me? Could you please pass me the potatoes?"

Mr. Evans gave his oldest daughter a look, and she reluctantly handed Sirius the bowl. "Thank you," he said cheerfully, adding to her unpleasantness.

"This looks great, Mrs. Evans," James said. He hoped he was doing a good job.

"Why thank you, James."

Not to be outdone, Vernon quickly added, "You're meals are always excellent!"

"Oh, how nice of you. You boys are so kind."

Lily's father seemed eager to get to know James, and tried starting a muggle-friendly conversation. "So, do you like movies?"

"I love movies!" Sirius said loudly, before James had a chance to answer.

"What movies do you like?" Lily's mother asked politely.

"My favorite's the Wizard of Oz."

Vernon laughed a little. "The Wizard of Oz? That's a bit childish, don't you think?"

"No. I like the flying monkeys."

Vernon glared at Sirius, as though this was obviously someone who'd recently escaped from a mental institution. Sirius simply smiled.

"I don't watch movies all that often," James said, just loudly enough to direct the conversation away from Sirius. "They don't really interest me."

"How about books?" Mr. Evans asked.

"If he can read," Vernon whispered to Petunia, who giggled giddily. Lily glared at them from across the table.

"Well, when I have time, I love to read. But I usually just spend most of my time with Lily," he said, smiling smugly at the rude muggles.

"Oh, I'm sure that's always interesting," Petunia muttered sarcastically under her breath, causing Sirius to look at her in slight disbelief.

"Always," James said, as if the remark hadn't been meant as an insult. "Things get boring pretty fast without her around."

Petunia scowled at her plate.

The rest of dinner passed with quiet, (somewhat) polite conversation, and the occasional odd comment from Sirius, who had quickly figured out how to get on Vernon's nerves.

"I think I need to go outside and get some air," Lily said once everyone had finished.

James stood up. "We'll come with you," he replied, eager to get away from Petunia and Vernon.

The three of them left the dining room together. Sirius, with his wand hidden up his sleeve, pointed behind him and muttered something under his breath. "Come on, let's go," he said, rushing the other two out with a small smile on his face.

As they stepped out onto the front porch, Sirius counted quietly on his fingers, "Five, four, three, two..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Yes!"

Lily and James peeked inside, while Sirius tried hard not to laugh out loud. At the table, Petunia was jumping up and down like a lunatic, screaming "GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF!"

"Sirius, what did you do?" Lily whispered, laughing as Vernon tried in vain to calm her down.

"I just conjured a tiny little spider. And sent it up her back. Then it probably went on her shoulder." At this point, Sirius could no longer contain himself, and burst into laughter. Lily and James soon followed suit.

A few minutes later, once they'd calmed down, Petunia came storming out front and glared at James. "YOU did it! I know you did!"

"Did what?"

"You know perfectly well what! You put that spider on me!"

"What spider?" James said with a perfectly honest expression.

Petunia looked like she might explode. Then she rounded on Lily. "I hate you, you terrible little witch! You've completely ruined my evening with Vernon!"

"Hey, back off!" James said, stepping protectively between them.

"Oh, stop with the charade," she sneered. "My parents might have believed you, but I don't. I know you're not really her boyfriend. She can't get a real boyfriend, so she had to hire somebody. How utterly pathetic."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm really her boyfriend," James said, with a tone of slight annoyance.

"Petunia, just go away," Lily said angrily.

"Kiss him."

"What?"

"You heard me. If he's really your boyfriend, then kiss him. And make it believable."

Lily sighed. "Fine, if it will really go away." She turned to James and looked at him. "I'm sorry about her," she whispered.

"It's not like we haven't done it before," he said, smiling. It was a good thing James had so much practice in lying. Sirius was smiling slightly, curious about the outcome.

He leaned down slightly (because she was a bit shorter than him) and gently pressed his lips against hers. She was aware that both Sirius and Petunia were watching, and opened her mouth slightly. It was a surprisingly convincing first kiss, and it truly looked as if they'd had a lot of practice. They continued on like that, their tongues meeting, until Sirius whistled at them.

Lily pulled away slowly, a slight blush rising on her cheeks. She smiled smugly at her sister. Petunia stared at them for a moment, then turned on her heel and left.

"Nice job, you two. You really had me going for a second," Sirius said, staring pointedly at Lily.

"Well, we can cross that off the list," Lily said quickly, ignoring Sirius' stare. He smiled to himself anyway.

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Lily's father drove James and Sirius back to the Potter's house later that evening. Once inside, Sirius said to James, "Well that was interesting."

"I can't believe she kissed me," James said, smiling broadly.

"I can't believe that sister of hers. Almost makes me miss my family." James looked at him skeptically. "I said almost."

"And the boyfriend?"

"Oh, don't even get me started on that! I'm actually going to look in a book for something to do to them."

"You're going to open a book? Now that I don't believe."

"Ha ha. You're so funny."

"Yeah, I know."

"You know what's really funny? That's probably the only way you'll ever get to kiss Lily Evans," Sirius said, laughing.

"Shut up, you asshole."

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Okay, so they kissed! Look for more fun ahead, and if you have suggestions/requests as to what Sirius should do to Petunia, please let me know. I should be finished the whole fic before I go back to school in September. At least, that's what I'm aiming for. But knowing me, and how I enjoy procrastinating, that may not work out. BTW: I'm making a point to update before I leave for vacation, so don't expect much for a while.

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