Disclaimers: See the first chapter.

Snippets From the Potterverse

Chapter 2 - Moody Versus Kitchen Condiments

Alastor Moody was sitting alone at the kitchen table of 12 Grimmauld Place, pouring over a long roll of parchment, when Molly Weasley entered, her arms full of groceries.

Oh! Alastor! Would you mind....

Certainly not, Molly, Moody said, getting to his feet and relieving her of some of her bags. He plopped them down on the table, and began to unpack them. He pulled out a box of Quaker Oats, a tub of Land O' Lakes butter, a box of Cap'n Crunch, and a box of Sun Maid raisins.

He lined them up on the table and started to return to his unpacking. But... he could... sense them. Looking at him.

He glared at the unpacked groceries. The people on them smiled innocently back. Or at least, they wanted Moody to think they were innocent.

Hmmph. He had no time for this. He crossed the room to the icebox, putting the jugs of orange juice inside.

But he could feel them. Their eyes followed him across the room, like the eyes of old paintings - well, old Muggle paintings.

Stop - looking - at ME, Moody growled at the harmless things, reaching back into the bag and pulling out a bottle of mustard. There was a happy family on the bottle, laughing and looking up into the camera. Moody glared.

Why are you so happy?! he yelled, shaking the mustard furiously. You stupid morons, what have you got to be so happy about?!

SQUISH.

He had squeezed too hard. The top flew off the mustard, and yellow goo splattered all over Moody, the table, the walls, and his parchment.

Molly bellowed, as a blob of mustard got her right in the eye.

STUPID - USELESS - MUSTARD - FAMILY!!!! Moody shrieked, throwing the bottle to the floor and jumping up and down on it repeatedly.

Mustard sprayed across every available surface, painting the kitchen yellow. It was amazing how much mustard that small bottle could hold.

Finally Moody collapsed, exhausted, into his chair. Molly, who had been shielding herself behind her hands, peeked out from between her fingers, just as her husband entered the kitchen.

What happened here? Arthur asked curiously, looking at the mustard splattered all over the room.

I'm not sure... his wife whispered.

Moody raised his head, perhaps to explain, but then he caught sight of the guy on the oatmeal box.

he shrieked. DAMNABLE OATMEAL! He seized the box. I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!

Cackling madly, he threw the box of oatmeal into the sink and turned the water on full force. The oatmeal began to bubble and froth. The box burst, sending oatmeal flying all over the room. Moody just cackled insanely and ran for the tub of butter, which he began to pound furiously with his walking stick, sending globs of butter everywhere. Arthur seized Molly by the arm and pulled her out of the room, slamming the door behind them.

That's the last time I let Alastor help me with the groceries, Molly sighed, wiping her face on her apron.