She's gone. I was too late. Too late. It hurts so much. My Master would tell me that she is one in the Force now, but those words do not soothe me. I look at the broken body of my mother and feel the hate flood me.
Closing my eyes, I think back to that holo recording my Master had gave me. Did he know what I may face? The recording was my Master telling about an event in his past. When someone died. It was not Qui-Gon, no, it was a girl. A girl that he let the Jedi order for, the girl whose planet and people Obi-Wan wanted to help save.
The idea of my Master ever leaving the order is shocking. Of all the things I've seen my Master do, and what he has told me before of his past, leaving the Jedi is not one I would have considered.
My Master's dream as a padawan was to be a Jedi Knight. For him to give that up, to throw it away… I do have to admit that I would be willing to leave the Jedi to be with Padme, but that is something Padme objects to. She understands how much being a Jedi, becoming a Jedi, means to me. She won't let me give it up. My mom wouldn't want e giving up on my dream either.
I wish my Master was here right now. I know he can help me. I feel so angry now, so full of hate. I want to destroy the Tuskins, wipe them out. But, there is a lesson to be learned from the planet Melida/Daan. To fight, to kill, to avenge, all this only leads to a deeper darkness, a continuous cycle of killing.
If I were to kill the Tuskins, if I were to give into my hate, then what would I become? My Master knew that if the Elders and the Young were to avenge Cerasi's death then the killing would continue, the hate will continue to burn.
Yes my Master was angry that Cerasi was killed, that he wasn't fast enough to save her, Yes he was angry when he ripped a banner to shreds that said to "Avenge Cerasi Choose War"
My Master had said in the recording that if the war began again because of Cerasi's death, then that would "go against all that she stood for, peace."
To destroy the Tuskins, I would be tarnishing my mother's memory. She still loved me even though I was to late to save her. She didn't tell me to kill the Tuskins. It was enough that I was there, that she could see me one more time.
It's not enough for me. There are so many things I wanted to tell her. Now, now I can't.
The flap to the small hut opens and in walks a Tuskin. I said years ago that I would work on controlling my anger, but it is hard. Slowly I stand and stare at the Tuskin and he at me. What is he thinking? Will he fight me? I hope not, I fear that if I fight one then my hate will overtake me and lead me to kill all of them.
My Master, I need your guidance. I thought I was ready to face anything alone, but now, now I realize that I have much more to learn.
The Tuskin leaves and then returns with a blanket which he hands to me. I wordlessly use it to wrap my mother's body up in it. Is this some kind of trick? I hear his thoughts. Tuskins have strong mental shields, to actually hear one open his mind and broadcast his thoughts is rare. I know this from the books I've read about Jedi who have studied the Tuskins in the past.
He is sorry my mother died. He tried to help her. He says that he wishes to have peace with the moister farmers.
This is unexpected. I tell him thank you and wish him well in bringing peace. As I transport my mother's body to the Lar's farm, I wonder if I had slain those Tuskins, if I would have wiped away the rare chance that the Tuskins would learn peace.
My Master would be proud of me. I did not give into hate. I still miss my mother though.
My Master is in trouble yet all I can do is just stand still and do nothing. Master Windu gave me an order, I'll follow it. I don't believe is wise to go after my Master. What if I fail him as I failed to save my mother? What if I finally break and give into my anger? I can't go, I can't.
Padme, she sees that I doubt myself. She makes a decision and all I can do is follow. She doesn't like it when people order her to do something and, without someone back me up, arguing with her will be pointless.
I don't want to go, I don't want to fail again. Padme has me trapped. She is right that in order to protect her, I need to be with her.
Now we are on our way and I will soon be faced with either failure or success. Failure is not an option for me. I don't think I can handle another failure, to lose another parent.
My Master is like a father to me and sometimes a brother. To lose him too will take me closer to the darkness that is lurking. If, if my mother hadn't died, I would have without thought, gone to my Master's aid. Instead, Padme had to take that step for me because now, now I'm a coward.
I feel so alone, so lost. I wish I could go back to when I was a baby, when I didn't fear, didn't doubt, didn't hate, and didn't worry. Where, when I would cry, my mother was there to comfort me.
I am a failure. A failure to my mom, my Master, the Order. I fear that I will also fail Padme, my angel.
