Chapter 3

Shinji barely noticed that he has drifted off into a daydream. He had been staring at the handout in front of him while mindlessly flipping through his Western History textbook, and suddenly found himself in a spiraling maze of questions without answers. Although he had an apparent distaste for his father, Shinji had never considered how he would feel whenever something like what was announced earlier that morning happened. He began to feel something shrinking inside of him, like a feeling of abandonment. He argued with himself about it, trying to push the memories of his father's selected appearances in his childhood out of his mind while fighting back the notion that Gendo Ikari had once again disappeared from his life.

"It's not like he was apart of my life anyway." he reasoned.

"How do you figure?" inquired an contending voice inside his head.

"He only asked me to pilot EVA. He never asked to be a part of my life again, never once apologized for everything he has done, he never even once sat down to have a conversation with me. His own son…"

"And by that logic, you conclude that he was never a part of your life?"

"Well, yes, of course he was. But that was long ago. Besides, he'll probablybe back in a couple of days oreven hoursanyway. Then things will be the way they always were."

Nagging at the other side of his conscious was his verbal assault on Asuka right after the conference. He had never meant to have such an outburst in front of such a large group of people, and much less an outburst that concerned one of the darkest secrets that Asuka kept hidden from everyone else. Whatever was shrinking inside of him grew smaller, and his stomach became heavy with guilt.

"Mister Ikari?" The voice of his teacher sent him reeling back into reality, turning his cheeks red with embarrassment when he found the entire class staring back at him except Rei, who kept herself turned forward in her desk. Asuka was turned forward too, and Hikari was staring daggers at him in the desk behind her. "Oh, God." he thought, "Asuka told her." Shinji looked back at the professor, who was tapping his feet impatiently by the blackboard, his fingers white with chalk. "Would you care to answer the question, Mister Ikari, or should I move on to someone else?"

Shinji hesitated, and then shook his head. "I'm sorry, professor. What was the question."

The professor grunted, pointing to the writing on the chalkboard. "What event almost provoked British involvement in the Civil War?"

The professor's vindictive gaze was met with a blank stare as Shinji shook his head. Touji Suzuhara snickered next to him. "Wow, Ikari, you're screwed." he whispered.

Shinji ignored him. "I'm sorry, professor, I-"

"I know the answer." Asuka said in an unusually silent voice, raising her silk-white hand in the air.

"Yes, Miss Sohryu?"

"It was the Trent Affair." she answered, her voice pitching low and harsh. There was absolute rage in it, pent up to a boiling point and ready to burst.

The professor nodded. "Correct. Two British diplomats were captured aboard a Confederate vessel in 1861, which, to the outrage of the England, were refused to be turned over into British custody by the Union. It was only until the British threatened to rally to the support of the Confederacy in the conflict did the Union relinquish the diplomats with a full apology, thus avoiding a major turning point in the war in favor of the South. This event was called the Trent Affair." The professor glanced at his watch. "Okay, class, it's time to break for lunch. Be back in your seats at 1:30."

Shinji watched in dismay as Asuka quickly shot up from her seat and exited the classroom with Hikari close behind. Touji snickered, leaning over to Shinji and nudging his shoulder. "Wow, look at the she-Satan go. She looks like she's ready to tear someone's head off." he chuckled, leaning over to snatch his sack-lunch beside his desk. "I feel sorry for you, man. You actually have to live with her."

Shinji shook his head, staring out the window. "…It's my fault."

Touji snorted as he pulled a sandwich out of the bag. "Yeah? And how on Earth could you be responsible for her eternal state of PMS?" He looked over at his friend to see his head dropping, taking a quick glance around the room to see if anyone else was there. When he saw that there wasn't, he turned to Touji.

"I said something to her this morning."

"What did you say?" Touji asked in a muffled tone, his mouth full of sandwich.

"Something…bad."

"Waitasec," Touji said, putting his sandwich down. "You mean that YOUR responsible for her mood today?"

Shinji sighed. "What did I just say?"

Touji shrugged. "Well, I mean, I thought that you were just blaming yourself for something you can't understand like you always do."

"I don't do that!"

"Shinji, c'mon, man…" Touji said behind a rueful stare. Shinji paused for a few seconds before conceding. Touji was definitely not the first person to point that particular flaw in his character out.

"Yeah, well, fine. But I'm serious this time. I really said something that really got her mad."

"Like what?"

"I'd rather not say it."

"That bad, huh?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, it only goes to prove what a jerk I am by saying this, but she had it coming to her." Touji concluded, setting his fist firmly on his desk. "It's high time she had a taste of her own medicine, y'know?"

Shinji shook his head. "No. Nobody deserves to have something that terrible said to them. Not even Asuka."

Touji's realization of Shinji's sincerity only fueled his curiosity. "Geez, man. Are you sure you can't tell me what you said to her?"

"I'm sure."

"'Cause I really wanna know."

"I'm sure, Touji."

Touji shrugged, turning back to his lunch. "Well, there's nothing you can do about it now. Just put it behind you. I'm sure it'll all blow over soon." he said, taking another bite out of his sandwich.

"I think I'm gonna apologize to her."

Touji nearly choked on his food when he gasp, sending him into a coughing fit. Shinji quirked a brow. "Are you okay, Suzuhara?"

"Oh God!" he gasped in between coughs. When he finished, he turned to Shinji a latched his hands onto the side of his friend's arms, struggling to catch his breath. "Are you crazy! Do you have any idea what she'll do to you if you talk to her now? It's suicide! Complete insanity! Shinji, listen to me, you survived all thirteen angels, don't throw your life away just by talking to that b-"

"Cut it out, Touji," Shinji protested, shrugging himself out of Suzuhara's grip. "I have to apologize. It's just the right thing to do." He stood and started for the door.

"Fine!" Touji called after him. "Walk into a Black Panther convention with some white sheets on while you're at it! Just don't be pissed when I say that I told you so!"

Shinji ignored Touji's last comment and walked out the door and down the hall towards the door to the quad. He didn't think that apologizing to Asuka. In fact, he was proud of himself for having the guts to stand in front of her and admit he was wrong. Two years prior, the thought wouldn't have even entered his mind. He'd come a long way from the nervous and self-destructive adolescent that existed during the Angel conflict. Now, at age seventeen, people had noticed him walking taller with his chin up (which was starting to grow a little stubble on it, finally), and his childish facial features began to sharpen into that of a young man. Some of his classmates were even heard talking about him on some occasions on how cute he'd become. And now, a newer and bolder Shinji Ikari was about to face one of the bitterest women that he knew. His heart swelled as he pushed the door open into the bustling courtyard, only to be stopped abruptly by Hikari, whose tiny hand rested on her hips. "And what do you think you're doing, Shinji?" she asked vehemently, her eyes narrowed into an angry glare.

Shinji looked down at her, determined not to let her get his resolve down. "Well, Hikari, I was on my way to-"

"You're not going to talk to Asuka, are you? The last person she wants to see right now is you."

"Frankly, Hikari, I don't think it's any of your business." Shinji shot back, his cerulean eyes locked onto hers in a showdown of wills. Hikari stepped back in shock, then brought her finger forward to poke him in the chest.

"Of course, it's my business, idiot! I'm her best friend! It's my job to protect her interests!"

"That might be true, Hikari, but you can't apologize for me."

Hikari's features softened, and she shook her head. "I don't think an apology's going to work this time, Shinji. I've never seen her so upset."

"Yeah," Shinji crossed his arms and looked away. "I figured that."

"How could you say such a thing to her, Ikari?" she asked, her eyes pleading. "I know that you and her have had your ups and downs for years now, but nothing that would call for something like that to her."

"I know," Shinji said, clenching his jaw. "I just got so mad, and, well, it was already said before I knew I had said it." He turned his head back to Hikari. "Did she cry?"

Hikari nodded. "She's been crying all morning, Shinji. Haven't you noticed how many times she got up to use the restroom during class?"

"Yeah…" his voiced trailed. At that moment, now that he knew that he made Asuka cry, he would have given anything to change what happened earlier that morning. "I can't let this go, Hikari. I know Asuka won't, either. You said it yourself. I have to apologize to her, and I won't feel better until I do."

Hikari nodded. "Okay, Shinji. But don't be surprised if she's too angry to forgive you."

Shinji shrugged. "I won't. Her forgiveness is not mine to give."

"Good luck," said Hikari, offering a small smile as she stepped aside.

"Thanks." he returned her smile and continued down the stairs into the courtyard. There were many students in the courtyard, as was routine during lunchtime, and all the benches were full except one under a towering oak. There sat Asuka, leaning forward so that her long auburn locks fell to mask her face. Shinji's pace slowed, a little disheartened by her appearance. He had never meant to say what he did, and he never meant to make her fell so terrible, despite the many times he had wished he could. He stepped him front of her, and paused until he built up the courage to speak. "…Asuka?"

"Go away." came a low feminine voice, thick from crying. Shinji's heart sank when she failed to look up, but he pressed on.

"Listen, Asuka, what I said today…well, I was really angry about what you said, and…I'm really sorry."

"Sorry?" Asuka managed a small, mocking laugh. "Well gee, Shinji, that fixes everything." She finally look up to him, her eyes bloodshot from tears. "You say something outrageously out of turn, embarrass me in front of my friends and people I work with, dig up old memories I would have rather done without, and now you're sorry? What the hell good is that?"

Shinji shook his head. He'd prepared himself the best he could for what she would probably say, but not that she was saying it, his defenses were shattering. "I-I'm sorry, Asuka. I don't know what else to do."

Asuka snorted, her face twisted in a mixture of agony and rage. "How about buying me a plane ticket to another country so I can have a new life, for starters?"

"Asuka, please-"

"And then you can throw yourself off the tallest building you can find."

Shinji gritted his teeth and fought back a breakdown. "Asuka…"

"If you currently don't have the means to purchase a plane ticket or the suicidal tendencies to fall off a building, then get out of my sight."

Shinji had enough. The guilt inside had made a rapid turn into frustration due to Asuka's words. He leaned forward, he fists clenched tightly against his sides. "Why do you have to be so damn stubborn?" he hissed. "After all the things you've said to me and never even apologized, I said only one thing! And when I do try to apologize, you won't even listen! Can't you just listen?"

Asuka jaw tightened, and leaned forward on the bench of that her face was just inches away from Shinji's. "I'll listen when I'm ready," she said flatly. "Now leave."

Shinji straightened, and locked eyes with an enraged Asuka before turning around to walk away, his pride and his determination smashed into pieces once again by Asuka Sohryu.

"Oh, Shinji?" she called behind him. Shinji turned his head, his eyes narrowed around pupils of anger, sadness, and guilt.

"About all those things I said to you in the past? I can't think of even one that even begins to compare with what you said to me this morning," she sniffed back a sob, leaning back on the bench, determined to maintain her control over the end of the conversation. "To be honest, I didn't think you had it in you. Guess I was wrong."

Shinji said nothing. He turned his head and walked away. Asuka's eyes followed him until he was out of sight. When he finally disappeared, she buried her face him her hands, and began to cry once more. Just inside the hallway of the school, Shinji leaned against the wall, silently agreeing with what she said last.

"You were right the first time," he thought. "I didn't have it in me."