Part Three: All These Years
:III: IMPORTANT— In this segment, 'she' designates KEL and 'he' is Neal; to avoid confusion, I will refer to Yuki either by her name or by 'her'.
She has waited.
Waited aimlessly, with a flicker of hope, intense and futile hope that will fade so quickly if she abandons it. That hope quickens with her heartbeat every time he glances over at her and smiles, for he is still handsome after all these years but there is more that she loves in him. Because after all these years nothing has changed between them. Sometimes she loves that. But more often, she hates it.
All these years she has loved him; she has been a coward to hide it. He has been a fool not to see it.
Now, more than ever, that flicker of hope shines brighter and stronger. She heard rumours—nothing more than that, just rumours, whispers in the shadows and catches of drifting gossip. She didn't know that they were true—but there comes a time when you don't care about truth and lies, you just embrace what little have and believe in that. And after waiting for all these years with carefully guarded jealousy and anger steeling her reserve, it was harder and harder to keep hope within her. Whenever she saw him, spoke with him, thought of him, it was like a burning misery, a resentful ache in her heart that made her long for him all the more.
She knew, or at least the sensible part of her did, that it was impossible. He was pledged to someone else, and you couldn't just abandon those vows. But there has always been a part of her waiting, longing, hoping desperately that something, just something might happen—that for once, fate would be kind to her. That was the less reasonable part of her that clung to hope and refused to give it up. She never had been very sensible in matters of love, she thought ruefully, and now more than ever it was proved. The ring on his finger should have convinced her by now.
She remembered that event with sickening clarity. She'd felt as thought she would burst into piece like shattered glass glittering on the floor, weeping and sobbing until the tears would not come. But it had been a beautiful wedding, oh yes—bolts of bright silk and such lovely decoration, and the ladies, they had been a sight with their flashing jewels and expensive dresses, dabbing their eyes with handkerchiefs as the ceremony progressed, accompanied by the dashing gentlemen who patted their companions comfortingly on the hand. She had been seated at the front, with her year-mates and Neal's other friends, willing herself not to cry. If she did, those who noticed it might have mistaken her tears for tears of happiness, and that would certainly convey the wrong perspective of the tall, strong lady-knight. It had taken every ounce of composure she possessed to keep her tears from spilling. But oh, how easy it would've been to have given in to that temptation—the rapture in Neal's twinkling eyes, the sheer joy evident in Yuki's beautiful alabaster face, the sparkling rings they exchanged, how everyone around her was beaming, happy, enjoying every moment of it, whilst she struggled to hold a tempest of emotions within her. It all seemed so surreal at the time—she had been tempted more than ever then to tell Neal that she loved him, that she had always loved him, and maybe, just maybe, it would be all right. But now she knew…it would never be all right.
She remembered speaking with him before the wedding, trying to calm his anxiety. He had been so nervous, fidgeting and twitching and peeking through the curtain every few seconds to see the people arriving. Each time he looked, he would announce to no one in particular which guest had arrived. Eventually, he began to follow the caterers around, asking every five minutes if everything was running smoothly. The usually patient caterers were irritated and requested that Kel keep him 'out of the way' until it was time for the wedding to begin. Kel obliged and with Merric's help managed to persuade Neal to stay out of everyone's way. She remembered thanking Merric profusely as he left to take his seat, and she remembered sitting with Neal only moments before the wedding began.
She remembered his tense silence at first, the look of tremendous concentration and concern on his face, and the fear she sensed in his rigid muscles and the crease of his forehead. She had never seen him like this before. He must really feel something for Yuki, Kel thought with a pang.
Suddenly, Neal straightened and drew a deep breath. He exhaled deeply, then turned his intense green eyes to Kel. "Kel?" he asked hesitantly.
She nodded. "What?"
He held her gaze, eyes solemn and unsmiling. "This…this doesn't change anything for us, does it? I mean, will this affect our friendship?"
He looked at that moment so like the little boy she imagined he once was—eyes wide, tone serious, voice grave and sober as the feelings that weighed on his heart. He, who could be so world-wise and sophisticated, seemed so naïve and young. Suddenly she was overwhelmed by the need to hold him, rock him back and forth to ease his worries as one might sooth a troubled child, and she wanted more than anything to kiss him until he forgot about anything and everything else. She wanted him to kiss her like she had always wanted to kiss him.
She lost herself in his eyes, a battle raging within her as she tried desperately to decide whether or not to tell him.
Yes, Neal, things will change—I want you to say no to her I want you to forget about her I want you to forget about everyone else I want you to love me. Those are the changes I want. I want you.
herher .She swallowed hard and stared deeper into his eyes. She saw there an affection, born out of admiration for long ebony hair and the sparkle in black eyes, developed by an awe of the grace of movement and sweet temper, and she saw that he thought it was love. An immense sorrow weighed on her heart, and she could hardly speak, for so was her fear that she would erupt into sobs and very womanly tears.
You can't do this, she insisted to herself. You can't ruin it like this for him. Look at him—you see how much he wants this? Don't let it come to this—you've borne wounds and heartache before, you can do it again. Just pretend. Believe it long enough that maybe someday it will come true. That was an empty hope and she knew it. But she had to do this, for his sake. For hers.
she insisted to herself. That was an empty hope and she knew it. But she had to do this, for his sake. For hers."No, Neal," she said at last when she found her voice and her courage. A mask slipped over her features, only this time it was not blank to conceal all of her emotions—instead it hid her sorrow, her agony, her pain, grief, regret, longing, overwhelming anguish that made everything inside of her cry out. It was a mask of happiness, feigned joy, and she hoped that he would not be able to see through it so easily as he has seen through the blank mask before. "Nothing will change, trust me."
She has always pretended before. When she was a child in the Yamani Isles, she pretended she was a Yamani warrior, perhaps even her mother, saving ancient relics from destruction and thus gaining the respect of thousands of people. When she was older, she dreamed of being a knight, and those hopes haunted her thoughts. She has pretended so many times, but never like this. She always pretended to be someone she really wanted to be. But there was nothing harder than pretending to be glad for him when really, her whole soul clenched in sorrow as he smiled at her, animated, and took her hand.
"Thanks, Kel," he said affectionately, his smile wide and heartfelt. "I just…I don't want me and Yuki to, to somehow…change…things." Kel nodded encouragingly. "I want everything to stay the same way it is now."
Kel's heart sank the moment he said that, as if the last hopes she had clung to like an anchor had finally been extinguished. There was no remaining faith in what could happen. She had been relying on this hope for so long, now that it was gone, she hardly knew what to do. She smiled reassuringly at Neal and squeezed his hand. "Don't worry," she said, keeping up a cheerful façade lest he see the darkness of her true feelings. "Everything will be the same."
He smiled back at her and rose. A young boy peeked his head through the curtain and informed them that it was time to start. Neal's face grew pale, but he drew a deep breath, winked at Kel, and followed the boy outside.
Oh, how she remembered.
She remembered that fateful day that had forever affected her life and his.
He left her heartbroken with nothing but a wavering friendship and a promise of eternity that, she thought, probably wouldn't even last the week through.
Perhaps everything would have been different if she'd told him then. Perhaps he would have felt the same. Perhaps he would have told Yuki that he couldn't marry her, that his heart belonged to another. At least, that's what always happened in the fairy tales. But Kel had to confront reality: this wasn't a fairy tale. There was no happy ending. Not for her and Neal.
But everything changed one day.
:III:
She is walking along the orchard at the royal palace. She shivers—although it is only autumn and the leaves are tinged with red and gold, the night air is cool and fresh. A gentle breeze slips past her, briefly lifting stray strands of light brown hair and brushing them across her face.
The moon is full, bright, serene—its soft light spills down from the sky to illuminate Kel's path with a meagre glow, and casts an ethereal gleam across her surroundings. She tilts her face to the stars and draws a deep breath, feeling as though she is being cleansed. Recently, she has taken to these long walks at twilight among the rust-tinged trees; she loves autumn and besides, it is so lonely and beautiful at night. She remembers once when she came here with him…it seems so long ago…
It was a few months after his marriage to Yuki. Those few months had been almost torture for Kel, and she had thankfully had her duties in service to the realm to her occupy her and to keep her thoughts from being focused on Neal. Neal…the one she had lost. She had lost him without even ever having him to begin with. Perhaps that is what made it so painful.
Neal was walking along with her, admiring the lovely shades of the leaves on the trees, then he turned to her abruptly and said, "Kel, what would you say if I told you that I was about to become a completely new person?"
She was puzzled at first. "How so?"
Neal's cheeks were glowing even in the pale moonlight. "Completely new, Kel. Not Sir Neal the knight; not the healer Neal; not Neal, Yuki's husband; not even the ladies' favourite—Neal, Dom's cousin." He grinned. "No, my dearest Keladry. In a few months' time, I will be…" He paused dramatically. "Neal, the father."
It took several moments for this to sink in. Kel stared at him in shock, trying to subdue the wild pounding of his heart. You should have expected this, she chided herself. They're married, after all.
But she had still cherished the hope that maybe—just maybe—he didn't really love Yuki. That maybe, one day, he would realise it and come back to Kel. That maybe, Yuki wouldn't matter to him anymore. It was a horrible wish to have, Kel thought miserably, but she wanted it more than anything. But his announcement that Yuki was with child had shattered that hope. Kel felt her chest grow tight as she tried to withhold her emotions. She put on a light-hearted façade to disguise her sadness. Again, someone I don't want to be, she thought.
"Oh, dear," she mused aloud with a twinkle in her eye. "Poor Yuki."
Neal grinned and cuffed the side of her head. "I'll have you know that I plan to be most attentive to this child and to my wife." He didn't notice as Kel's downcast eyes for a moment before she looked up at him again.
"I know, silly," she grinned and hugged him. "That's wonderful."
"I know." He sighed contentedly and ruffled her hair. "I'm sure you'll have a great part in the little one's upbringing, of course. Yuki will insist."
"Lovely," Kel put in. She wondered that Neal could not sense her discomfort when it seemed so obvious to her.
Certain enough, he picked up on it. Concern shadowed his eyes. "Kel, are you all right?" Neal asked. "You look…Is anything wrong?"
Kel managed a smile. "No, Neal. I'm fine." She stifled a sigh. "Things are really going to change now, that's all."
"I know," he said absently, not guessing at her real intent. "I know."
A lump settles in her throat at the painful memory. Ariane, a beautiful little girl with Yuki's alabaster beauty and Neal's direct emerald gaze, is now an impish seven-year-old who is already begging her parents to let her be a knight. Yuki feigns distress, countered by her twinkling eyes, and blames Kel's influence on Ariane. Kel always just smiles up at Neal as Ariane hurls herself into his arms and chatters happily about swords and the Ordeal, then laughs as the little girl tugs on her arm and tells Kel that she's going to be 'a lady knight, just like you and the Lioness'. That child, with her sisters as well, serves to remind Kel that Neal is not hers, nor will be ever be hers. It feels like a needle pricking her heart every time she realises that. But somehow, she can never bring herself to truly believe it.
She closes her eyes, imagining Neal's unwavering gaze and his arms folded across his chest as he tries to 'knock some sense through her thick, Yamani-influenced skull'. Or how amazingly soft and tender his eyes are as he plays with his children, three beautiful little girls who adore their father so dearly. Kel cannot help but love Neal's daughters, although they represent everything that Kel tries to deny, they are sweet-tempered girls (if slightly spoiled at times) and are so devoted to the lady knight that even a calm façade of stone is useless as defense against them.
Oh, Neal.
The throbbing ache in her heart has not gone away, nor has it lessened—if anything, it is strengthened by the rumours that drift by her door each evening and penetrate her unlistening ears. Even Cleon has brought it up once, whilst he and Kel were talking. He noticed Kel's dark gaze and immediately regretted the words that had just left his mouth. Cleon had apologised profusely after a brief scolding from Kel about spreading gossip about his friend, and learned not to speak of it again. As much as she discourages such rumours, Kel cannot not help but feel a sort of cruel relief in each of them. She tries not to; she tries to be sad for his sake, but nothing works. A part of her heart, a part she thought long abandoned, took new hope in such gossip and wished it were true. Then, for once, she could truly love Neal. She could love him as she has always wanted to. No conditions, limitations, stipulations. Just pure, unadulterated love.
She imagines his piercing eyes, his all-too-familiar smile, his husky tones, and wishes with all her heart for one moment, Neal Neal Neal.
:III:
She never expected that her dream would come true.
Perhaps it is the dusky twilight. Perhaps it is the cool night air. Perhaps it is the mysterious light of the moon, deceiving and seductive, that misleads her. Perhaps she really is dreaming. But whatever it is, she knows it is Neal.
The thought doesn't once cross her mind that why would he be here, at well past midnight, when he should be at fief Queenscove spending time with Yuki and their daughters? The thought doesn't cross her mind that he shouldn't be here, because the look in his eyes tells her of his intent. She is dazed, half wanting to believe her guess that something isn't right, and half afraid of what might happen if it isn't true.
Truth. She looked for it everywhere…
And now she has found it. She has found it glimmering in the emerald depths of his eyes. She has found it at last, in the tear that trickles down his cheek and leaves a glistening path down his flushed skin. Could it be the flickering starlight, or are his eyes brighter than usual? She stares into them, feeling her breath come harder and faster and her heart thudding forcefully against her chest, and suddenly the truth is all right there within her reach.
He says nothing, only looks at her. His eyes say everything, speaking in silent tones more powerful than words. They are such a penetrating emerald shade, deep and fathomless as the sea. Like the abyss of his soul. Endless. Timeless. She realises what has happened, pieces it together, understands it so completely as if he has told her the entire story.
Time suspends them, and silence weighs down upon their still forms. Kel holds his gaze, her body rigid and tense. Each breath seems a torture, each beat of her heart is loud and ominous, each blink of her eye drawn-out and burdensome. Time passes slowly, tormenting and long and lingering. She yearns for him to say something, to shatter the terrible quiet. She needs to hear his voice again. Finally, he speaks.
"Kel."
The word reverberates in the heavy silence. Echoes seem to ripple in her soul—she closes her eyes against the power of this new feeling. Or is it new? Perhaps it has been there all along.
"I…I'm sorry," Neal whispers, his voice rough and coarse with emotion that he can no longer restrain within him. He is unleashed, and she welcomes it fully. Her eyes open slowly, willingly, and meet his gaze.
He closes the distance, brings them together and they fit in each other's arms so perfectly, as if they were made for it. As if their bodies were sculpted, formed to fit that way. As if this is what they were meant for all these years. She closes her eyes again, drowning in his passion, shocked and thrilled with his mouth against hers. Every sense is suspended, every foreboding feeling vanishes, every centimetre of her skin is on fire with his touch. She releases her worry, her anxiety, casts away her disquiet for his embrace. Nothing matters anymore. There is Neal, only Neal, and there has always only been Neal, and it has taken her this long to realise it.
She has been waiting for this kiss since she was eleven years old, and it is sweeter, lovelier, more tender, more loving, more profound than she dreamed it would be. Her dreams and hopes are fulfilled tonight, and she releases them for she no longer needs them, and they float to the sky like stars languishing in the radiance of the moon. She no longer needs the light of these stars—the light in his eyes is enough for centuries on end, until all stars fade and the sky melts away, this is all that she needs.
He said I'm sorry, and he has never meant it more than as he said it tonight. I'm sorry that I never realised it I'm sorry that I hurt you like that I'm sorry that I was too afraid to tell you I'm sorry you've suffered all this while, I've been suffering too I'm sorry for everything, I just want you to be so happy that you won't need anyone or anything else besides this, besides me She forgives him, and she has never felt it more than as she feels it tonight.
Their kiss is a vow, it is a curse, it is a blessing bestowed, it is hardships and troubles banished, it is renewed love and affection, it is anything and everything and something that will always be there. It is a dream, a hope, a wish for the future. It is eternity, now and forever, two parts of one, and it is all that Kel has ever wanted. It is him.
:III:
A/N: Thanks everyone. I was surprised at how many people's reactions were sympathy for Yuki and such. I am glad, though, since so many Kel/Neal ships either ignore Yuki (she didn't exist, or she and Neal's relationship just kind of vaguely ends or something) or do something really illogical with her (she dies, or cheats on Neal or something ridiculous like that), and I hoped that this portrayal would make sense. I'm glad if it did. Anyway, if you need me to set anything straight, please tell me. This is the first thing I've written that is this risky—as I wrote this I became aware of risks I was taking, and I hope I've avoided all of them, and if I haven't I hope you will let me know. There will be one more chapter, an Epilogue, which you can look forward to soon.
please